~Lily

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About ~Lily

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    Lily and co. =)

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  • Website URL
    https://radicalsurvivor.wordpress.com/

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    UK
  • Interests
    Writing (journalling and creative)
    Reading
    Politics, activism
    Music (listening and playing - saxophone, trumpet, keys, a few others)
    Cats
    A million other things that seem to contradict each other because I have DID.
  1. Hey, Susan thank you and thank you for replying so quickly, too! I did know it was probably not gonna be an over-night, instant process but that does sound positive. I do hope that if an announcement ever is made that somebody is willing and able to do it =) And thank you for your reassurances in regards to homophobic content, that does mean a lot to hear. I do appreciate all the work the staff do here and I do appreciate that sometimes stuff does fall through the cracks. I guess my fear is sometimes that yeah, it just won't be taken seriously, but I will try and report stuff from now on if I can =) Take good care, too, Lily x
  2. Whilst I of course think all of the staff here are utterly amazing and I also recognise that some of the staff may be LGBT themselves, I do sometimes feel like it might be worth having an LGBT specific staff member. There have been times where I've seen so many comments in the LGBT forums that are really quite homophobic, lesbophobic, biphobic and transphobic and whilst it might not always be obvious to straight allies, it is there and I don't know if all of us really have the confidence to challenge them or we're aware that quite often we're dismissed for 'over-reacting' (not here but in general life) and not always worth challenging/reporting. I was wondering if it was possible to have an LGBT specific staff member because just as with say the women's and the men's forums, it sometimes feels so much safer to be having these conversations with somebody that is a part of the same community and whilst some straight allies can definitely be amazing, I don't think there will always be the level of understanding that other LGBT people will have. Frankly, I'm tired of being told that people 'support my choice even if they don't agree with it' when being who I am isn't a choice at all and I'm sometimes quite scared that staff wouldn't take this seriously even though it is an homophobic micro-aggression. Lily x
  3. It does make sense! I've worked on/with the Social Model of Disability for a long times. I thoroughly believe that we're disabled by society and that our limitations don't come from ourselves at all. We could totally function in this world if it wasn't set out so much against us. I can see some value in the Medical Model of Disability in terms of medication and therapy (psychiatry and more mainstream psychology) for those that need and want it and especially when considering the fact that without engagement with the Medical Model is becomes completely impossible for those of us disabled by society to access and find support in the systems that are set into place. (I.e. without a diagnosis we can't apply for benefits etc.) But yeah, generally I use the Social Model of Disability because, ultimately, it has a lot more relevance on our lives; whether we are disabled physically, developmentally, sensory or if we're neuroatypical. For me, the difference is, for example, between somebody who is neuroatypical being sectioned and institutionalised under the Medical Model and being cared for and gaining access to appropriate theory and support under the Social Model. I've never completely applied it to my experience of being a survivor, before, more in terms of being neuroatypical (which, in my opinion, are one and the same) but I can definitely see where you are coming from. The adaptations we have had to make to be able to survive and navigate our way around this society is ridiculous; there are such simple things that can be done to make spaces (both tangible and less so) so much more accessible to those of us that are disabled to society and ironically, a lot of those would provide benefits for people across a spectrum of disabilities. Even if it was something as simple as just changing shop layouts so aisles were wider. It would mean that those that are using wheelchairs are able to navigate shops more easily, those with sensory disabilities would be able to more easily avoid or navigate their way around other shoppers (and vice versa), that those that are neuroatypical (anxious, PTSD and avoid bodily contact etc.) would be able to more easily avoid getting close to other shoppers and feel somewhat less claustrophobic in that kind of environment. I would say though, that without a doubt, the increase of online based resources has been so, so beneficial to those of us that are disabled by society; it is not ideal, of course and it does completely limit our options when it comes to social interaction (at least in person) but it does eliminate things such as having to go out and shop thanks to delivery etc. However, this does obviously have additional costs (i.e. delivery costs in comparison to being able to pick items up yourself.) That was long, sorry, basically wanted to pop by and say I agree.
  4. I actually really like today's thingie, one that doesn't feel so scary to write about It's all about how a lot of peeps use imagination to try and make other stuff seem safer or as like an escape or something and that's really something we did a lot. When stuff was bad we used to write stories in our head, create like whole other worlds and make the characters and put ourselves in that story and everything would be good and safe because just like in our favourite books there was never a bad ending I guess that was sort of like the start to our DID stuff? Like, I guess our imagination stuff was our dissociating stuff and where it sort of started? We used to actually write stories a lot too and some of the littles still do, sometimes. We'd make stories where it turned out we were actually a princess (yeh, we inserted ourselves into stories, sue us lol!) and we'd just been kidnapped by an evil family but then our real parents, the King and Queen found us and took us home to the castle and kept us safe and stuff. Pretty much all our stories had a similar theme, like being rescued by someone and it turning out we belonged somewhere so much better all the time. Guess it was sort of hope that maybe one day someone would rescue us, but real life doesn't work like stories does it lol? Could talk forever and ever about how much we used our imagination, but I guess that'd be me ignoring the actual healing part of today's page lol. It talks about how important it is to live in reality but how that doesn't mean we have to lose our imagination, just find other positive uses for it. It's kind of hard for some of us to live in reality properly because we spend so much time inside, but we do try. Maybe 1 day when we have better control over switching and stuff it'd be a little easier. We do try and engage with the real world when we are in the body, though, rather than just focusing on stuff that's happening inside. We've gotten so much better at it, too. We all work really, really hard on maintaining friendships whereas like some of us in the past (not naming names but *cough*Ruby*cough* lol) would decide that they didn't care about friends and didn't want close relationships with anyone and would even actively sabotage them whereas now that's all way better and we all make efforts to keep friendships going. That includes online friendships, too We all do our share of stuff that needs doing in the real world too, sometimes in the past we'd get so caught up with stuff inside we'd forget stuff like cleaning, eating, drinking etc. so like we got better at stuff like that, too. As for using our imagination as part of our healing, I think that's something most of us do, really. I'm just going to conflate imagination with creativity because it's easier! But like between us there's a few writers (poetry and prose and novels) and an artist and the littles do a lot of drawing and colouring and writing stories and a few of us are musicians too. Even if a lot of what we write/draw/create isn't really obviously healing it still sort of is because it gets out emotion and just makes us feel better and if feeling better isn't an important part of healing, I don't know what is lol! So, yeh, we do need to focus more on living in the real world because even if we're better we're not great but I think a lot of that is like the fun combo of anxiety and agoraphobia and attachment disorders and C-PTSD and stuff so like, it's hard to leave the flat and engage with the real world and there's only so much real world to engage with in a small flat! And I think this might be a little reminder to all of us to really embrace our imagination. Some of us haven't written for a while and actually today we joined a writer's group on Facebook so maybe that's a step in the right direction, so maybe need to stop being so self-critical and just go with it and enjoy it and use it as a really good healing tool too!
  5. OK, so I decided that as well as trying to do the affirmations/mediations daily (which is clearly working out so well) I'm also going to try and make a list of some of the little daily healing things that I do. So often I wake up, or at least see the start of a new day, considering I rarely sleep and end up getting depressed and critical over how little I've done the previous day. I'm usually the first person to commend anyone on any achievements they've made during the day, no matter how small they may seem, especially if that person's struggling with depression or (C-)PTSD or anxiety or any number of mental health conditions, but I don't seem to be able to be quite as nice to myself. So, I'm hoping that being able to list off the small things we're able to achieve each day will help me be able to recognise that maybe I am achieving more than I thought. I'm gonna list healing things we manage, but also little achievements, things that go towards self-care (whether physical, emotional, etc.) and any 'firsts' we get up to! I really am gonna try and do this each day even if I don't always get the affirmations/meditations done =) So, today's list! Had a shower (which is a biggie considering it's such a huge trigger) Made it to the shop (fought agoraphobia) Cleaned most of the kitchen Got myself to eat a fear food without resorting to any unhealthy behaviours after Bought a book that could potentially help me with some of my eating stuff Reached out for support both here on Pandys and in a Facebook group Talked to online friends =) I sketched for some time We watched the new Doctor Who (aka chilled out for a bit lol) Let the littles go crazy with some felt-tips (only on paper ofc lol!) Did today's Daybreak meditation
  6. I've clearly not been very good at doing this, but gonna try and make a start from today, especially as I'm really in need of a distraction, today. Today's affirmation/meditation - 'Home is where I settle down and feel the strength of developing roots.' Daybreak - Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse Was really interesting reading this one today, because in the longer description underneath (which I'm too tired/lazy to type it) it touched upon a lot of things that I had half known for a while, but confirmed quite a lot and gave me something extra to understand it with. I've known for a long time that I really, really struggle with the concept of a 'home'. I still call this place 'the flat' because saying 'my flat' just feels really odd and going as far as 'home' doesn't really feel right; I mean, yeah, sometimes I do say 'home' but that's more because it's common language used as opposed to an associated feeling. I always just assumed that the issues I had with having a 'home' were because of the ways I've lived since I was 16. At 16 I left my mum's; after that I just never really had anywhere stable. I spent from then till I was nearly 23 moving around from sofas, floors, streets, hostels, hotels. For the last few years of that block of time I did have my own flat, technically, but it was with my ex so it still never felt like a home, like a sanctuary from the world. In those years, I never really owned anything, I didn't have possessions, most of the furniture around me belonged to somebody else. Everything I owned could literally be shoved into a rucksack and taken with me. Technically, things are more stable, here. I have my tenancy guaranteed till November, with good chances of renewing it. I actually feel safe, or as close to safe as I ever feel, here (barring the drunken neighbour who likes to scream and yell at nothing at all and the creepy, overly friendly caretaker), I've actually started owning a few things here and there, but it's still just the flat. I still know that if I had to, I could leave in about 5 minutes because I already have a 'go bag' packed and ready, all I'd need to add are my journals, laptop, laptop charger and my wallet. Any extra time would pretty much just be however long it takes me to persuade Fidget to get in his pet carrier. If I'm feeling extra sentimental, I could stick my saxophone over my other shoulder. Everything else can stay. I've just never let myself develop attachment to physical things. As a kid, nothing ever belonged to me, I never had toys or anything special or really anything to call my own at all. As a teenager my life was so unstable, I was moving so frequently that it never made sense to hold on to anything that wasn't desperately needed. When I lived with my ex he had just so much stuff that there wasn't much point trying to add anything of my own or neither of us would have been able to get in the flat at all. The only real physical things I have an attachment to now are my books. I've always loved reading and it's always been such a wonderful escape for me and now I actually own books myself I am particularly attached to them and very defensive of them, especially with the memories of mum burning the few books I managed to sneak around and hide when I was a kid. But even those, if I had to, I could leave behind without too much hesitation. Whilst I've always known I've had issues when it comes to having a 'home', I have always just put it on the homelessness and the instability I had for so long but today's affirmation/meditation had me realising that maybe this has been something that's been there for so much longer, that's really strongly related to my experiences as a child, too. The books suggests that the kind of experiences that have brought me to Pandys left me feeling so out of place, so unwanted and like I didn't belong, that the one place that was supposed to feel safe just never did. That I'd do anything to not be there and as a result, may just never be able to settle anywhere else, never allow myself to plant roots anywhere and constantly live with the feeling that I should be somewhere else or I should always be ready to leave. Everything I read in today's entry just resonated so much, because, no, I never felt like I belonged at home as a kid, I always felt so out of place. I felt more like the maid and the entertainment and something to be used than I did a part of the family. I technically had my own bed, but I was very rarely allowed to sleep in there, that room was so much more my sister's than it was ever mine. I never owned anything in that house, I had nothing that I could point at and say was mine. I did absolutely everything I could to not be there; I loved school, it was my escape and even with the bullying and the things that happened from certain teachers, school was still the one place I felt I belonged. Especially as I got older and I was in high school, I made damn sure I was out of the house as much as possible. I played every single sport I physically could, regardless as to how much I enjoyed it, I did so many extra-curricular things just so I could delay going home even just by one more hour. I just never wanted to be there, I never felt I belonged there. Even when I technically had a home again, the few months, maybe a year, I spent living with my dad, I still never felt like I belonged. I felt like a lodger in a place that should have felt like home. I was constantly aware of the fact that my dad's girlfriend hated me and wanted me out, that my dad barely acknowledged my existence. I did just feel like a lodger, a lodger my dad felt obligated to have living there. Heck, I was still technically a child and he still charged me rent. Today's meditation just got me thinking a lot. Even if I still call home (with mum) 'home', it never really was. I don't think I've ever known a home and I think there's a big part of me that's still so terrified to try and make one; that feels like it's just gonna be taken away from me at any moment or it's gonna become unsafe and I'm gonna have to leave, that I'm always just gonna need that 'go bag' on hand. T's tried to talk to me about this before, encouraged me to do little things to make it feel more like a home. To be honest, the others have embraced this way more than I have. They have their sketchbooks and their own journals and their teddies and their toys and their games. They've added personal touches like pretty bedding, bean bags, blankets, colour schemes, but to me it just doesn't really mean anything and honestly, I wouldn't know what to do or what to add to make it more mine, to make it a home for me, too. I have my cat and I have my coffee and I have my books and I have somewhere to sit and use my laptop, I can't really see what else I need or, I dunno. I guess the whole concept of a home escapes me in general, I wouldn't even know where to start. Hmm, guess I have lots of thinking to do! Maybe, if I'm still reading this book in a year's time, I'd've been able to make this place a home (assuming I'm still here ) and I'd be writing something wonderful about how I'm really put my stamp on this place and it's mine and it's home and I love it! Lily x
  7. Thank you so much for your support, Q =) I'm not so sure if I'll use them as mediations exactly, thinking on it, maybe more as just a guided focus for some of my healing because mediation usually leaves me really dissociated, but I'm kinda really wanting to try this so! Thanks again and glad it's been feeling helpful for you =) Lily x
  8. I practically have a library of healing related books that I've barely touched or paid that much attention to. I've been really trying with T and I think it's time that I maybe try doing a little more when I'm alone, too. I'm gonna be gentle with myself and take it easy, but I basically spend 90% of my time just slipping into flashbacks or anxiety or depression and I want to be doing something more productive and healing with my time. I recently got a book that has daily meditations/affirmations for survivors and I'm gonna try and read, think about and respond to each one daily. I will be gentle with myself and take it easy, especially if it's a difficult one, but I really do want to try this =) And maybe throw in stuff I read/come across/think about from other healing books, too =) Lily x
  9. So glad that this really could prove helpful to others =) Nita, it really is such a great idea isn't it?! Even if I never really use it, just knowing it's there helps me feel so much safer, knowing I can just send a message out for help if I need to and no-one will ever really know. I've spent a bit of time messing with it and know it a bit better now. Realised you can customise the messages it sends out so if you save the number in your phone as a name and have it send a harmless text like 'Do you wanna watch a movie tonight?' so even if someone else does get hold of your phone they'd never know what it is at all. I also really love the fact that it's all SMS based. I don't have a big fancy smart phone so even though I've seen similar things available on apps it's never been something I could access before and just so glad I have that option now! I think I really have fallen in love with this, haha! Lily x
  10. I'm not 100% sure where to share this, so if I've put it in the wrong forum please do feel free to move it =) I came across this today and I thought that it might be useful for some of us. It's a free SMS based service (though it can be upgraded if the other plan suits you better) that provides a level of safety when out and about. Basically, you set a time and let it know where you're going and if you don't check in within 5mins. of the text it sends you then it'll send a text to your emergency contact asking them to ring you. I have nothing to do with this org. and I don't mean for this to sound like an advertisement at all, I just know that even the thought of having access to this service leaves me feeling a lot safer and I really hope that this or something like this can help others feel safe too. So, yeah, here's the link - https://www.kitestring.io/faq and more info. about it and I really do hope this can potentially help some of you in feeling a little safer =) Lily x
  11. real short on words but listening and caring ad sitting with you if ok? lily x
  12. I'm not a mod. so I can't say for certain, but I think the Research, Activism, Speaking Out forum may be the best place. I think I've seen some petitions etc. in there before. Good luck with the petition. Lily x
  13. Crisis Point (TW's for religious imagery on the home-page and music - it doesn't seem to be a religious organisation, but the imagery is a little too close for me, so thought I'd add the TW.) http://www.crisispoint.org.uk/ Services including 1-2-1 counselling for both male and female survivors, inpatient stays in a specialist centre, advocates if you choose to report, group counselling, signposting and guidance.
  14. PODS - Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors PODS (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors) works to make recovery from dissociative disorders a reality through: - training - informing - supporting PODS provides: - information and awareness training days/workshops to inform and educate about the reality of living with and recovering from dissociation, trauma and sexual abuse, suitable both for dissociative survivors, their supporters and professionals such as counsellors and psychotherapists - opportunities for survivors, partners and supporters to meet together and provide mutual support - a weekly telephone helpline - ongoing e-mail support - resources such as an e-magazine, Information Booklets and Emergency DID Information cards - signposting to other organisations http://www.pods-online.org.uk/
  15. Justlisten, I do not have a lot of words right now, but I am so sorry that this happened to you. I just want you to know that this is not your fault; you did nothing wrong. He was a friend who you were supposed to be able to trust and he betrayed that trust. Please, try not to judge yourself too harshly, this did not happen because you did not pick up on red flags. This happened because he chose to hurt you that way and I am so, so sorry that he did. Please, try and take care of yourself during this difficult time. I am sitting with you and offering lots of support. Take good care, Lily x