alteria

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About alteria

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    Female
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    Survivor
  1. hello... I don't really know what to say here. My situation is definitely complicated...last night my ex coerced me into sex. At least that's what it felt like. We had dated for three wonderful, incredibly perfect years until it ended in the fall of 2011. We still loved each other very much and continued a friendship online, as we are long distance anyway. In the meantime another relationship has flared up for me bringing many more complicated emotions. My ex came to visit me last week, and I was genuinely excited to see him. I'm still in love with him in many ways, and he's one of my best friends. The first few days were incredibly difficult, pushing through all that had broken us up to try and get to a friendship. He advocated for sex now and then but was extremely sweet and gentle and left me alone when I just didn't feel ready. He's one of the most tender and gentle person I've had the privilege of knowing. I made it clear I was not ready to start a relationship up again this soon, but I was perfectly willing to experience whatever emotions might come my way regarding feelings towards him. So last night was our last night together before he was supposed to leave. We had had a wonderful evening together, laughing and talking and being the best of friends as we have always been. He is my person and first love in so many ways, and our relationship has literally moved us to several different countries so that we could be together. He has been the most important and most positive influence in my life so far. Now things start to get really complicated and difficult...so he started feeling sick a few days before last night, throwing up and displaying flu-like symptoms. He seemed to be feeling better last night, so we had a long bath and then settled into bed together. I know that this type of affection between two people who are not interested in a relationship and while one partner is exploring feelings for someone else may be strange to many people, but I am an extremely free-love kind of woman. Anyway, we settled into bed and he started to caress me and what not. I tensed up because that type of affection felt relationship-serious to me and scared me a bit. Kissing was ok for me, but anything more made me a little anxious. He wanted to have sex so badly, and I felt so guilty for not wanted to. I'm the one who fucked our relationship up in the end, and I felt like I owed him love and affection because I ruined our relationship. I didn't want to have sex, but I wanted to want to. I wanted to make him feel good, to give him something even though it was not want I wanted at all. So we started to have sex, which included a little foreplay (which consisted of me lying stiff on the bed crying with my hands clenched). He was trying so hard for it to be good for us, but I couldn't stop crying. I was weeping like a child the whole time and I started to get this horrible feeling that he just doesn't care that I'm crying. He told me that if I just kept trying, it would get good for us. I wanted to believe it so badly, and I was so damn tired of having to say no to him when he wanted sex. I felt so guilty every time I shut him down because I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong, and now I couldn't even let him in physically. He was so hurt over losing me, over losing the relationship. He had break down moments of just sobbing his eyes out because he was so torn up about what had happened with our relationship, and cried that he just wasn't good enough. He finally stopped having sex because I was just crying too much. I sat on the bed trying to recover and he started to tear up about how terrible he felt about making me cry. He goes into this whole speech about how he just desperately wanted this last moment, this last hurrah of expression and love. I felt so guilty for hurting him so much, for throwing away what we had that I said I would try again. I hated the idea, and hated myself for just not saying 'no', but I was having such a hard time getting over this burning self-loathing, guilt, and feeling like I owe him happiness. We started to have sex a second time and this time I didn't cry, but I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes, digging my nails into my skin. I have never once in my life ever fell to actions like cutting or self-mutilation, but since he has been here and had his emotional breakdowns, I've been gouging my skin. I only did it in the hardest and most intense moments of our discussion where both of us were crying, but it scared me to realize that it made things feel better. Better is not the right word...I don't know, I've never dealt with it so I have no idea how to describe or articulate anything about it. As we were having sex the second time, he seemed to really be enjoying it while I did nothing but try shut myself off from everything I was experiencing. It felt violating, but refused to admit that that's what was going on. He finally stopped because he felt it was just too difficult for me. A point I need to make clear (not because I want to make the situation better or worse, I'm really just looking for advice and input here), he made it clear he desperately did not want me to do anything I wasn't ready for. He wanted me to enjoy it and have a wonderful time. He asked me multiple times while we were having sex if it felt good or was ok for me, and I just responded by nodding my head, eyes closed. So here is where things get complicated (as if they weren't already). We stop having sex and we sitting in bed together when his face goes all weird. He starts mumbling and rambling incoherent thoughts while lifting his hands up as if to move or catch something in the air. He wasn't really aware of me there and was seriously not in touch with reality. A few minutes of this passes while I'm desperately trying to assess the situation when his eyes get really wide and he starts crying. He looks as me with tears running down his face and the with the most fear I have ever seen and asks, "What...what just happened? When did we get in bed?" I stared at him no really understanding what was happening when he starts to cry more and says, "Did I...did I just do something bad? What just happened? Did I hurt you? What did I do? What did I do?". I was close to panic because I was so scared of what might physically go wrong with him that I immediately told him everything was fine and to just try and tell me what was wrong. He said that he couldn't remember the last 6 hours. The last thing he remembered was before we took the bath (we laid in bed for a while before having sex). I grabbed the thermometer and his temperature came up as 104.68 fahrenheit. I immediately gave him a fever reducer and went into crisis-handling mode. I stayed up the rest of the night making sure he was ok while all the while doing everything I could to avoid telling him what happened. He kept asking me and I just told him that we had sex but it wasn't great, so we stopped. I couldn't bring myself to just drown him with all the details while I thought me might need to go to the hospital. By the time morning came around, we had to go to the emergency room because he had gotten so sick. The doctors told him that memory loss was a common symptom of fevers that high. He relentlessly badgered me for details of what happened and I finally made it as clear as I could. He broke down and wept at the idea of hurting me in that way. I'm reaching out to all of you right now because I just don't know how to deal with this. I am a survivor of a past sexual assault and that was so much easier to cope with than this. I do feel violated and sad and scared, but I also don't feel like I can blame him. He did want this wonderful moment for us and even having said that, he can't hardly remember any of it anyway. When we were having sex he was not a brute or monster, but was trying to kiss me and went down on my and stroked my skin. He desperately wanted me to feel good. It still made me cry, mind you, but maybe that's because I do have such a connection with him. I'm angry at myself for just not saying, "No." I didn't want to do it, why couldn't I just say it? We had amazing sex for 3 years and now this one moment made me feel so wrong in so many ways. What the hell is wrong with me? I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm sorry, I have no idea how this story is coming off to any of you but I just felt pretty alone and wanted to reach out. -confused and scared