dancelive2200

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About dancelive2200

  • Birthday 03/04/1989

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Music really inspires me and moves my soul
    I have been playing piano for 13 years
    I have been playing guitar for 5 years
  1. What Happened to my personality?

    I feel as though my personality has disappeared and I really do not know how to socialize anymore.I go to work, and yes some of the people I work with really don't fit the same common interests , and everyone has some people at work they don't like too, too much. Thats ok though. I just want to be able to go to work, do what I need to do, and then go home. Some interaction would be ok though. I am weird about talking to people though. It makes me nervous. It never did before. I don't want people to think I am a snob..... but I have been blocking people off too and would like some social interaction. Most of the people that I come in contact with do not share any interest. I love music and Art and the only things that people mostly do to socialize here is go to a club and get drunk and dance with people. Thats not my style anymore. As far as I am concerned, thats a bad thing waiting to happen. I avoid places like that at all costs. I even gave up drinking. I never had an issue with it , I just wanted to focus on all positives in my life. I hope things get better.
  2. I just want to be positive again! I feel like when there is a thread of some positivity ....something else happens to throw me into this downward spiral. My car broke....the last thing I think I needed. 400 dollars to fix. I just want to feel happy and positive again. Why are all these little minor things adding up and making me feel like I don't have a way out?
  3. I just want to be positive again! I feel like when there is a thread of some positivity ....something else happens to throw me into this downward spiral. My car broke....the last thing I think I needed. 400 dollars to fix. I just want to feel happy and positive again. Why are all these little minor things adding up and making me feel like I don't have a way out?
  4. yes like it's been said lots of support here. You have found a great outlet. I am newer to the site and it's already helping me alot!
  5. It has been one thing after another since the assult 6 years ago. Each person I have let into my life has taken the any bit of trust that I had left inside,and took it. 7 months ago, another assult. Another person in my life I thought I could trust with taking care of me. I am at this point in my life that I just don't want anyone around me. no trust left. There are alot of times where I just blame myself. I have been pushing everyone away. I live in a new place almost 2,000 miles away from where I lived and still I push others away. I am afraid to be alone for the rest of my life but I feel like I would rather be alone than have someone hurt me.
  6. It has been one thing after another since the assult 6 years ago. Each person I have let into my life has taken the any bit of trust that I had left inside,and took it. 7 months ago, another assult. Another person in my life I thought I could trust with taking care of me. I am at this point in my life that I just don't want anyone around me. no trust left. There are alot of times where I just blame myself. I have been pushing everyone away. I live in a new place almost 2,000 miles away from where I lived and still I push others away. I am afraid to be alone for the rest of my life but I feel like I would rather be alone than have someone hurt me.
  7. It has been one thing after another since the assult 6 years ago. Each person I have let into my life has taken the any bit of trust that I had left inside,and took it. 7 months ago, another assult. Another person in my life I thought I could trust with taking care of me. I am at this point in my life that I just don't want anyone around me. no trust left. There are alot of times where I just blame myself. I have been pushing everyone away. I live in a new place almost 2,000 miles away from where I lived and still I push others away. I am afraid to be alone for the rest of my life but I feel like I would rather be alone than have someone hurt me.
  8. It has been one thing after another since the assult 6 years ago. Each person I have let into my life has taken the any bit of trust that I had left inside,and took it. 7 months ago, another assult. Another person in my life I thought I could trust with taking care of me. I am at this point in my life that I just don't want anyone around me. no trust left. There are alot of times where I just blame myself. I have been pushing everyone away. I live in a new place almost 2,000 miles away from where I lived and still I push others away. I am afraid to be alone for the rest of my life but I feel like I would rather be alone than have someone hurt me.
  9. I have been dealing with mine for awhile too. It's tough. I try to really stay positive, but it's hard. I sometimes think that people who have been raped are so much different than people who haven't been. I feel like some people don't realize that it is always there. The bleeding stops, The wound heals, but there is always a scar. That scar is always a part of people who have experienced what we have, and it's hard to just get out again and just meet people, and have trust because we are sensitive in the way that we feel. When I meet people now I tend to dig deep right away. I feel like I can't help it. I want to know their morals and values too soon and I open up to soon. I don't want them to hurt me. When I open up quickly though, I give them the chance to hurt me. They seem to not be as deep and care. Your not alone. Don't give up. It sucks, but there has to be an answer. We all shouldn't have to live and feel ths way. It wouldn't be fair.
  10. Outside I look like I have it together. Inside I am screaming for help. No one really knows. Only close family members. What do I do? My therapist told me I look bad cause I colored my hair darker????? She said I looked like a vampire I thought she was supposed to build me up? Not tare me down. I feel alone. My fianc'e left me because he wasn't ready for marraige He waited 3 weeks before our wedding He kicked me out He promised he wouldn't hurt me like my best friend did. My best friend took my first intimate experience from me against my will My ex Fianc'e took my heart and broke it. Will I love can I love can I trust again?
  11. Trying To Find An Outlet

    I think finally going for music and trying to do something on the side with it will help me get my mind of things I just feel like I need to be more positive and do things to keep me busy. Singing has always been a passion of mine and I aim to keep it a part of my life.
  12. Pushing people away

    I have been pushing people around me away except for my family. I think I have been pushing friends or others besides family away because I don't trust them and they will take advantage of me because I am so vulnerable. I feel alone inside. There are others around me why am I doing this to myself?
  13. My First Blog..My Story So Far

    When I was 17 my best friend from childhood asked me to prom as a friend. I went cause he had just gone through a break up and I wanted to support him. He also had a twin brother (my other best friend). We were all so close we worked together , grew up together, families were even friends.Prom night he made drinks for everyone, and snuck something into my drink. All I saw was colors and blacked out. I woke up to him on top of me telling me he love me ..but loved his ex girlfriend more.. and I cried and said stop please go away he even was saying I dont have a condom .. oh well and kind of laughed....but he would not stop and we were in his room and I felt helpless.He took full advantage me twice taking my virginity. I went home the next morning only remember bits and pieces not remembering alot really scared me. I went to the hospital and had enough information and proof the doctors collected to press charges, but all the history we had and given the trust I thought I had, I could’nt go through with it. Even looking at him would make me so sick. At that point, we had already been living in another town, so I felt safe finishing up high school. I went to the guidance counselor everyday, and I believe that helped me alot. After awhile, I dated guys but nothing serious. Just hanging out. Right out of high school I met a very sweet guy who was a little older than I and we dated for almost 3 years. He was my first “intimately” consensual. I questioned his honesty at times and thought it was wrong and unfair, because I was bringing mistrust from past occurances. It turns out he secretly was on local chat/ video porn sites often (addict), still fantisized about exes, and even was interested in both sexes. I found this out after two years of being together and left him right away. At that point we had been living together for two years and had the same group of friends. I moved out of town about 1 hr away, closer to my collage and family. During my previous two year relationship I had a male friend I had worked with, who had always been interested in me, but I had remained faithful to my previous ex. He came into my workplace 2 months after my break up, and invited me to hang out. After 1 month we were dating. He was very sweet, and we had alot of common interests. The only things that concerned me were his parents having alot of say and influence over his choices, and he had a past relationship that was 7 months long but tragically his girlfriend passed away at 19 from an accident. It had been 3 yrs since her passing and I felt like he may have had lots of coping to do. We had talked about it, early on in the relationship in fact before we started dating. He seemed closed off on the subject , but after 6 months had passed he was accepting and coping and would talk about it more freely. I was sad because I felt at times as though I were compaired to someone who has passed on and felt as though you cannot compete with something like that. It would make me feel uncomfortable. We lived with his father for awhile, he had a drinking problem, and was very nosey. His dad had some issues with me I feel because when his son and I started dating, they would not spend as much time together. I stayed out of their arguments and we finally moved into our own apartment. The weird thing was his moms apartment happened to be right down the hall. After about 2 years of dating and 3 months in our own place he proposed. Everything seemed perfect we both had good carreers, our families were excited, and everything after a couple months was planned. The wedding date was set, we would move from NH to FL, and things were all paid for. We flew down to Florida to find a place and jobs two months before we were to be married. When we arrived FL we even found jobs and a place to live. We were driving back up with my grandparents in the car when out of the blue he said ” I dont think I can do this anymore.” I was shocked but tried to remain calm till we were back home in NH. We got back to the apartment that night and he apoligized but looked overwhelmed. I figured we would sleep it off and wait till the morning. In the morning we had our Confirmation ( a Catholic sacrament) us both being Catholic we both wanted to get married in a Catholic church. We attended classes for months to prepare for this. It confirmed not only our ability to get married in a church, but our own personal faith. He refused to go and I still went alone. I was sad and said before I left maybe we just need to delay the wedding and have some space. He agreed and I took some of my clothes and left for the ceremony at the church. Later I was at the celebration party with my family when he called. He told me to come get all my personal possessions and that they were by the door. I was distraught. I brought my younger cousin to come help me grab my things. When I arrived, his best friend was on our couch wispering to me what happened? I said I dont know its him and his best friend agreed with me in confusion without letting my ex fian’ce see. My ex was sweating and seemed kind of like he had lost it I was sad and remained quiet. He was throwing my things quickly into bags saying I just want to get this overwith and slammed the door in my face and said have a nice life as I left. I tried so hard not to cry and I remained emotionless. I moved in with my parents and prepared to still move to Florida. When I called to work things out with my a couple times it seems as though hes a different person. He bragged about not being uspet over the phone and bragged about not crying. At that point I was fininshing up work at my job and had a guy friend who I taught an afterschool program with. He was nice enough and caught wind of the engagement being called off so we started to hang out outside of work and he wanted to cheer me up. one thing led to another and he had a party at his house with some other friends he wanted till I was unconsious from having a little too much to drink and he took full advantage , I feel like he took avantage of my vulnerability from my recent break up. I felt to blame and guilt. He got away with the same crime again a week later. I felt as though it was all my fault putting myself in the position. 2 weeks later,I moved down to Florida lived with my sister for awhile and then got an male friend from high school as a roomate cause she couldnt pay for her rent. He moved in as friends but it turned into more I wanted it to stay as friends and we hooked up even though I didnt truly want to. I since then moved in with my parents. I feel like a bad person I didnt love those people and I let them be with me and I prentended like I Wanted it. I am a long term relationship kind of person. and through all of that I still love my ex- fianc'e, The last time I talked to him was less than 7 months ago. (3 months after we split up.) He said if I moved back to NH he would still marry me, but I said no. Not after the way things worked out, and how he treated me. He said well then I never want to talk to you again and that was it. Since then I fell into two terrible rebound relationships that were not needed and i have now been single for 6 months. I go talk to a counselor and see a psychiatrist for axiety,ADHD,PTSD. I still feel lost and since I feel as though i have experienced so much, I feel like lots don’t fully understand how all this a effected me. I still to this day check his Facebook and I know its wrong. He still writes about his old GF that passed away and says that he thiks about her everyday, and has always unconditionally loved her from day one, and she was the only one who made him feel that way. I think I need to love myself again.I feel like everything has snowballed one after another. I just still feel bruised and want to overcome this pain. I feel guilt, anxiety, and loss. Loss from all angles loss sexually and self worth, lost of trust and true love. I know it’s not right to look into what he is doing. I just feel like it ended so abruptly.
  14. The counselor will help alot it helped me when I went but make sure they make you feel comfortable. I went to a counselor in school too ! Things will get better.
  15. This really is how I feel... in those few words.. it expresses the whole of my emotions.