NerdOwl

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About NerdOwl

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  • Gender identity
    Transgender
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. I don't know anymore.

    I can't tell if I'm blowing things out of proportion or not. If I'd just said no instead of being non-verbal. Whenever I went over to C's place, I would go over there knowing that sex would happen, and I didn't really want to, but I went over there anyway. And he would kiss me and do little things..touch me, I didn't really want to, but I never said no, and then he would ask if I wanted to have sex. When my body was reacting to him, he would ask me. And I would say yes. because at that point, why not? I always felt awful and dirty afterwards. He would cuddle with me, and cuddling always, always turned into sex. So now when I cuddle, I think of that. I will think of him at the most random times. and I don't want to. It feels vile and slimy. part of me thinks that what he did was wrong, that he took advantage of me, but a lot of me thinks I was the one in the wrong. Because I couldn't just open my fucking mouth and say no. I don't even know why I'm here. everything was my fault. I have a mouth. I can say no. Except I can't. I never do. I don't even know what's me and what's me just playing a game anymore. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter. I'm never going to be a real person. I'll always be this half-person, missing all the important bits that make someone human.
  2. Silence

    Very possibly triggering. I think I simply don't trust Trust is a funny thing I had it when I shouldn't have and now that I need it it is gone. I trust people with my body. Why shouldn't I? It's nothing but a vessel. My mind, though, that's another story. I don't trust easily with that. It's hard I want to. I want to tell people what goes through my head about them, about me about the world. I don't. I remain silent. My silence protects me. It always has. You're yelling at me? I'll be silent. That way maybe you'll stop. You yell at me for speaking? I'll be silent, that way I can't say anything wrong. You yell at me, now, for being silent. But now, I am protected. I am silent, and silent I will remain. No mtater what you do to me. I never scream. Never yell. Never rant. Never break the silence. Now I am safe. I can break it. I can speak freely, share my mind. The terror is over, except inside. Inside, there is still a war zone. Still darkness and loud voices. Yelling, screaming, offering praise, only to take it away again with one cruel word. So I stay silent. I break the silence. Once. Twice. I feel dirty. I have lost something of myself to you. You have never used it against me, I know. You're like my brother, now. Both of you. Today, I break the silence. Today, I tell a new you. I tell you something I have never told anyone else, mostly because they were the ones who were hurting me. They blend together, the ones who've hurt me. They never hurt much, nothing like rape. Nothing like beatings. Not-rape, and not-abuse. I can admit those. Because those two 'nots' cover a multitude of sins. They shaped me, from the age of three till now. I am silent. I am cold. I am apathetic. I have tried, three times, to break that shell of mine. One time just wasn't right. Two times, I got hurt more. Maybe this time will be different. It is time for me to change. I know I am not like other people. I feel less than they do, I'm fine with that. But, I know I am capable of feeling. And I would like to be able to do it for the people I care about. I would like to do it in a less distant way than I do now. Third time's the charm. So I thought. I was wrong. You abused my trust. Maybe you didn't mean to. Maybe you thought it was ok It wasn't. I told you everything. You comforted me. Then you touched me. Kissed me. I turned my head away. Buried my head in your chest. I just wanted you to hold me. I didn't want to be a woman to you. You didn't notice. Maybe you didn't care. You took what you wanted. Skillfully. Made me want it. Except for the part of my mind that was screaming. Screaming and crying. Telling me to open my mouth. Say no. Except I never say no. You KNEW that. I told you. Maybe you thought it was an invitation. I hate you too. I shouldn't. I have no right. I never said no. I wanted it, in the end. It felt good. It really did. But I never really wanted it. I never said no. Once more into the breach, this time with a friend I've known since I was a child. When will I learn? You're safe, for now. You can't touch me. I've told you a lot. Not everything, not yet. I want to. I want you to know. I want to tell you, I want you to see me. I want you to see how broken I am, I want you to tell me it's ok, and you're goign to help me pick up the pieces, and you're not going to hurt me. Except, I don't think I can believe you. Nobody else has told me the truth. Even so. I will break my silence with you. Don't make me regret it.
  3. Memory

    Memory is a strange beast. Now you remember, Sometimes there’s something just out of reach. Now you don’t. Better grab it fast. Now you remember. You have it at last! It slips and falls Now you don’t. You pick up the pieces, Try to recall. Now you remember It slips through the cracks Like smoke. Now you don’t. People ask you Why you’re mad, Now you remember Then memory fades, Goes to black. Now you don’t.
  4. Thanks for this.
  5. I was doing so well, too.

    I really was. I was having a really good streak. I wasn't thinking about anything icky, and I wasn't spazzing out every time someone touched me, and then I had a meltdown. two, actually. I almost punched my boyfriend. I apparently have a problem with people touching my back. I've always been squicked by people being behind me, but now it's worse. Now, when a partner touches me on my back, if we're in a sexual situation, I freak the fuck out. I was actually shaking. Felt sick to my stomach, too. It was awful. Worst part is, I've never freaked like that in front of my boyfriend. I really don't want him thinking I'm some kind of....freaky liar or something. Come to think on it, I think the reason I freaked out with him was because I was already on edge. Earlier in the day, I found out that my former house-mate had stolen my 9mm. So I was pissed. And then I drove for 2 hours to get to the bf's house, so it's late, I'm tired, and annoyed. And then, as we're getting ready for bed, and I tell him I'm cold, he makes comments about how we're going to take care of it. We have a very strange sexual relationship. He doesn't initiate sex, and neither do I. We kind of dance around the topic until someone breaks and does something overtly sexual. But this time, it felt like he was basically saying that we were having sex and that's the end of it. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to have sex with him, I just...that's not how we normally do things, and I guess it scared me a little. I'm sure he would have stopped if I'd said no, but I never say no.
  6. Like there'd be an island somewhere else......... Well, my f*** buddy/therapist friend fancies himself in love with me. Maybe he is. He feels close to me because I told him a lot about me, and because he told me some of his secrets, and then we ended up having sex. HELLO, BUT I'M A LITTLE SCREWY IN THE HEAD! I TEND TO THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO JUST F*** EVERYONE! it doesn't make you special! It means I need to feel better about myself, so I'm gonna have sex. Which may of may not actually make me feel better. It's a 50/50 chance. I've TOLD him I'm not a nice person. I tried warning him that he's going to get his heart broken. And for whatever stupid fucking reason, instead of staying the hell away from him, I KEEP GOING BACK! what kind of dumbass does that? Ugh. I'm moving to an island in the middle of the ocean and staying there. On a positive note though, I think I might just have a guy friend who I will not have sex with. This never happens. We cuddle, but nothing more. And oddly enough, I'm ok with that. I don't feel like I have to have sex with him to make him like me. Actually, based on our conversations, I think we'd be extremely awkward in bed together. I don't know. I'm still thinking I might move to that island.
  7. wait...I'm a grown-up?

    I swear, sometimes I forget I'm an adult. And the realization that I am will hit me at the oddest times. A couple days ago, I picked up my keyring (which has become rather large and jangly since Christmas) and I had this sudden sense of vertigo, and all of a sudden, I realized that "I'm an adult" actually, it was more like a few seconds of panic, because I kind of forgot who/what I was, and then the realization set it. The only comparison I can make is to someone standing on a cliff edge, and a sudden gust of wind almost blows them off the edge, but they recover. I'm not even sure why this bothers me, but it does. It's almost like if I acknowledge the fact that I'm a grown-up now, something bad is going to happen. Sometimes, I think I'm just dreaming again. I used to daydream a lot when I was younger. I dreamed about what I was going to do when I was grown up, where I was going to go, what I'd look like...but then I'd hear my name being called or I'd hear footsteps down the hall, and I'd know I was still trapped there. I guess that's what I'm waiting for. The footsteps, my name--I'm waiting to be woken from my dream of being free. And every now and again when I realize I'm not dreaming, it shakes my world a little. I hate wandering through life feeling like I'm in a dream, but I think if I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to function.
  8. I've been tossing around the idea of talking to my school's counselor. I almost want to talk to a professional, but at the same time, I am extremely reluctant to, for a few reasons. One, In addition to being a student, I work at the school library. That could be potentially awkward. Two, Someday, in the future, I want a good job, and I don't want there to be any record or even a hint that I am less than completely stable and "normal". I'm pretty sure that if I start talking to the counselor that eventually my on-again off-again relationship with self-harm will come out, and that has the potential to get me into trouble. But really, I think I'm lying to myself about my issues. So the thought of telling yet another person about my suspicions--I'll either feel like a complete liar, because I have no proof, and my memory is so godawful, or it will make everything that much more real, and i don't think I could deal with that. I'm just so confused. On the upside, I have good industrial music to listen to, and that is currently keeping me from going bat-shit crazy. :wumpscut: is an awesome band.
  9. Last night was weird.

    TW: I don't even know, but writing about it almost 24 hours later is enough to freak me out a tad, so just read with care. Also, profanity. I have a friend who is...well, I'm not sure. F***-buddy/therapist. Something like that. For whatever reason, I started confiding in him a few months ago about some issues I was having, and now it's like I constantly need to talk to him. And we sometimes have sex. Which is not really a good thing since I am still technically in a relationship, even though it's probably going to end soon, as the other member is planning on moving halfway across the country. Whatever. So my friend, C, and I were cuddling, something I very much enjoy. We'd just finished a discussion in which he tried to convince me that he likes me, and would like to date me, and I called him an idiot and told him that it's a stupid idea and I'd cheat on him. I thought I was being perfectly calm and logical, but he seemed to think that we should change the subject, so we started talking about some inane thing. And then, he decided to compliment me. Now, in general, I dislike compliments, because I feel like they are contrived and a way to butter someone up. (Maybe because I work in customer service...) But no big deal. I had my moment of "ew, compliments" and then he touched my back. Just..a hand on my back, but he slid it down and it went under my camisole a bit, and I froze. I wanted to tell him to stop, but I couldn't make words. So he kept sliding his hand on my back, and his fingers went under my shirt again, and I couldn't think about anything else except his hand on my back and I felt like I wanted to cry and I was shaking and thank god he stopped, but I could still feel hands on my back and it was vile. And I still couldn't make words. He asked me a few times if I was ok, but I couldn't even tell him to not touch my back. Even thinking about it now makes me want to run away and scream. And then I started counting steps in my head, and I finally calmed down enough to grind out the words "Don't touch my back". I guess I trust C enough to flip out around him. I don't even know what the hell that was, but it's not the first time something like that has happened while I'm hanging out with him, and I always feel really stupid after, like I should have made myself not freak out, or I'm just doing it because of some strange satisfaction that I get. I hate that I feel like I want to talk to him about things. It's disgusting. I managed to go my entire life without talking to anyone about my problems, and then suddenly I'm spilling my guts to this dude who is basically a fuck buddy, and who I'm cheating on my bf with?I mean, really? Isn't that a complete recipe for disaster? I mean, this guy knows more about me than even my best friend who's known me since I was 4! But I can't seem to stop talking to him. And that bothers me. I shouldn't NEED people. I never have before, why start now?
  10. More thoughts

    The other day, I made a post about how I feel like there's two of me. One is this seductive person, and the other one is just me. Well, that's the simple explanation. But anyway. I realized that I seduce people because it changes the power dynamic. If I seduce them, then I am the one taking action, and they can't hurt me because I initiated it. It makes me feel like I'm the one in control. When I'm with J and to some extent, C, it's more of a mutual thing. I'm not in charge. With J, I'm afraid to take the initiative, because I don't want to force anything. With C, there's no need to take initiative, because he's always ready to go. So In a way, he's the scariest of all, because I have almost no control over that situation. Even when I say no, it never lasts, because eventually, he'll pick back up where we left off. I suppose if I gave an unequivocal no and idk...moved away or something, he'd stop. But I can't ever seem to do that. We're not dating, and if I had to classify our dynamic, I'd say he's a cuddle-buddy/therapist. He's the only real-life person I've ever been able to talk to about some things. And he always says how he will only do things if I'm comfortable with them, but I have this strange idea in my head that if I accept his offers of talking or backrubs or whatever that I have to reciprocate, and for me, reciprocation usually means sex. And as i stated earlier, he's not exactly goody-two-shoes. I suppose I'm afraid of losing the support that he gives me, but at the same time, I resent him for knowing all this stuff about me and still being unwilling to completely keep his hands (and dick) to himself. I mean, I've had minor (and one major) meltdown in his presence before, relating to sex, and while he didn't pressure me then, it's almost like once I've taken advantage of the fact that he's willing to listen to me babble about my issues, sex happens. And I'm sorry, but him asking me (while laying on top of me and in between making out) if i'm sure I'm ok with this is really not a good time to be asking. I don't know if I'm the one with the skewed perspective here or not. I feel like I'm taking advantage of him by telling him about my problems, but I feel like he's taking advantage of the fact that I can't seem to keep it in my pants. He knows I sleep around. Christ, I think the only person who DOESN'T know that at this point is my boyfriend. (Yes, I have a bf, and I cheat on him. A lot. I cheat on all my boyfriends.) This has been a rambling, pointless post. Thank you. Carry on.
  11. Thanks. I appreciate the support.
  12. It amazes me

    It's amazing to me how little I really understood as a child. I remember listening to Avril Lavigne and Jennifer Knapp and some other artists...I loved their music, but I didn't really understand what they were singing about. Now that I'm older and I'm re-listening, I understand. It's just mind-blowing to me. In some ways, I was a very mature child, but I suppose there are just some things that you can't understand until you've lived through them.
  13. Here we go...

    I'm miserable. First off, I woke up late, and was still exhausted. I got pulled over on my way to class, found out that I completely forgot to do my emissions test. Which costs money. Which I don't have. The second class of the day, I didn't know the answers to any of the questions the teacher asked, and to add insult to injury, I practically fell asleep in the middle of said class. So I feel stupid AND lazy. Wonderful. work was productive, but long. I'm also having absolutely no luck concentrating on ANY of my projects. I'm already falling behind in school, and the semester has barely started. I have the feeling that I am not going to get the grades I need in these classes. Which is bad, because I need scholarships to go to school, and scholarships tend to be based on your GPA. I'm having gender identity issues again. I want to talk to my friend, but I don't want to wear out my welcome, as it were. I'm considering talking to one of the school counselors, but I'm afraid to talk to them, because if they decide that I'm a danger to myself, they can pass that information along and commit me, and I can't afford that. Not if I ever want to get the job I want. I'm spinning my wheels. I feel like I'm useless, and I'm bored, and nothing is going right. I might lose my internship, because the guy who offered it to me is probably leaving for a better job somewhere else. So yeah. Life sucks.