Aurora325

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About Aurora325

  • Birthday 03/25/1990

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Psychology, dancing, reading, helping others, animals, and nature
  1. I am very sorry this happened to you. ((((safe hugs))) and yes that is rape. Yes you consented the first time but not the second that is rape. If you consented the 1st time and then in the middle of sex said stop and he doesn't that is rape because you withdrew your consent. You are not overreacting and this is not your fault. You need to always remember that. And I am sorry that your friends are tip toeing around you. I hate that when my friends do that because they make me feel damaged. As far to react now if you don't mind I will give you some personal advice from my experience. NEVER pretend like it didn't happen. I tried that and instead I ended up cutting myself, drinking my pain away, and didn't care about my personal safety. This is one of the best explanations I have heard of why rape is such a damaging thing to people. Rape isn't like other crimes, the victim can't be reimbursed, and they rarely receive justice. When a person is raped it feels like part of their soul is taken from them. NEVER EVER ignore it. It will just cause more pain. My advice is to see a therapist as soon as you can. If you can't fond someone you can trust that wont tell if you don't want them to and talk to them about everything.It will hopefully be very therapeutic. I hope this helped and we at Pandy's will always be there for you.
  2. Me

    Hmm well what about in specific cases were the heir transmitters aren't working properly and meds are the only proven way to fix the problems? And I forget if you said you saw a T. If not you should def look into one they are worth it. Your right it is better that it is more out there now and people are less shunned.
  3. Me

    It is not pathetic I promise you. I am going to school to be a therapist and I have studied many cases that are like yours and worse. You are not alone. You are dealing the best way you know how with the shit life has thrown at you. You will never be pathetic and you need to start telling your self that. Right it on the mirror in your bathroom and read it everyday till you start to believe it if you have to. I am sorry if this Q is to personal feel free not to answer if you don't wanna but do you take any anti anxiety meds, or have you in your life time?
  4. Me

    You are not you are not you are not. I promise you you are not. And that makes even more sense now. Have you see a T? That could REALLY help with that specific issue.
  5. Your words are heart ranching and I am so sorry that happened to you. The line about how we try so hard to protect others but no one protects us is true. I hope you are getting In a better place and you sound like great mother.
  6. Me

    You're not selfish. It sounds like he is just your safety net and with him you feel better. It would be understandable that without him you don't. Is it possible you could find some friends to hang out with during that time, like neighbors? Maybe you and him could get involved in things around the community and you can make friends that way. I do understand that you want him to stay but at the same time you have to allow him his friend time. It sucks but it's true. I have a similar situation. I see my bf the love if my life every weekend. It really helps because one: I'm a very physical person when it comes to any form of affection so distance kills me and two bein going through a lot if shit recently. And I dread when he has to go home to go to school and I count down the days till he comes back. But he needs to finish school just like your husband needs to see his friend. Find a happy distraction of you can or if you can get a pet. They will help you feel safe when he is gone.
  7. I want him to pay

    I was raped again. I can't believe it. The man I went to when I was hurting, a man I told everything too. He raped me. How could he be so cruel. I am proud that I realized it was rape only a year after it happened, since the other attacks took me 4 years to come to terms with. But again?! WHY!!!! I don't know what to do. Before we started hooking up I heard rumors of him raping another girl. He told me it was a lie, other people backed him up, stupid me. I was blinded by attraction, I should have known. Especially when he joked about me getting raped. That fucking pig. Why didn't I leave right then and there?! Nope, I stayed, and he raped me. I don't know what to do now. It has been a year, there is no evidence, we hooked up for a while even after, I still see him randomly, He is my fucking neighbor. My kitchen window is directly across from his bedroom window, now it makes me sick. Should I let our mutual friends know that he is a pig?! I wan't him to pay. I never pressed charges on the other two men, I was to afraid. But I want this one to pay.
  8. I left Pandy's and I ran far far away in my mind. I didn't touch my rape or SA with a ten foot pole. And when my monthly depres came around I shoved it to the ground. I pushed it away not letting it touch me not letting myself cope. I just wanted to be strong and I was done with feeling weak. And then it came. I should have realized that I couldn't push it down forever and faced it before it could build up into a debilitating unrelenting hell of a night. It started when I was listening to the song the A team. I kept putting it on replay and I felt myself getting pulled down into a hole but I couldn't stop it. I just kept listening to it over and over and over. Then all I could think of was what those men had done to me. I started balling trying to stifle my sobs but I couldn't. I was finally able to calm down but the hell was far from over. Suddenly I felt like a whore I new I wasn't one but I felt used and abused. I wanted to throw myself against a wall I wanted to cut myself I wanted to down my sorrows in booze. I just wanted to do something self destructive to drown my pain. That is when it usually ended but it didn't. I started feeling dirty and unclean but worse then how I felt right after the attacks. I could feel their hands holding me down. There things shoving inside of me there breath on my face and their words in my ear. I felt disgusting. I felt dirty. I couldn't touch anything. My skin felt gross every nerve ending was amplified. I was left crying, screaming, trembling, and lurching around on my sheets. Everything I touched felt like I was dirtying it, soiling it, covering it in filth because that is what I was, filth. I am surprised I didn't wake anyone up. Finally I gave up i didn't care anymore what they did to me I just layed there feeling their hands hold me down and their body parts assault me while they told me how hot I was. I just layed there and gave up. Finally after a while of just giving up it all subsided and it was done and I felt so much better. But the night was absolute and utter hell. I hope to dear god it never happens again.
  9. Thank you so much Greenbean! My problem is this: I was raised by my family with the mentality of suck it up and get over it. Well after I came to realization of my two attacks that was the hardest mentality to get over. Now my mom who I view as this warrior princess lady tells me she was raped to but my mom is so strong and amazing I can't imagine her ever having to deal with stuff like this nor do I see any signs (though maybe I was just to ignorant to see them). So it kinda reinstilled the mentallity of suck it up and get over it. Also I don't know it just baffled me I don't know what to make of it but hopefully it helps thanks about the tattoo my mom says I should wait till I'm 25 but honestly I don't want to lol
  10. Thank you so much Bella yeah I told her yesterday cuz I just couldn't wait and she told me she was raped when she was younger and I was blown and didn't know how to respond. Here this is the tat: http://i.imgur.com/bdlIPl.jpg. It's the bottom flower that will be on my right back shoulder blade connected to a tattoo on my rubs that says Dance. It will be connected by black vines that turn dark green
  11. How do you tell?

    So today I'm with my family in Indianna and my mom wanted me to show my aunt the tattoo that I got. Well I showed her and then I showed her the next tattoo I was going to get. First response was well that's big do you want that to show on your dress on the wedding day?! The question I always get. The question pisses me off this tattoo represents the pain I have gone through from my sexual assault and rape and how I survived. It's my survivor tattoo. It's a beautiful blueish star gazer Lilly in my back right shoulder. I would be proud to rock that tattoo. But I says yeah well there is always cover up. Then came the next Q. Well what does it mean. And I had only the half ass reasons that add on to the real tattoo meaning. My favorite flower, and it represents my tree hugger side. They just gave me the look like Carly your ridiculous why do you would you get that. And then they where like those are the reasons?! Well how am I supposed to tell my mom and my aunt during vacation that it's a survivor tattoo. When my aunt doesn't even know and my mom only knows about the assault not the rape. Add onto it she can't even say I was assaulted she says well you know that thing that happened between you and Casey. I was totally silenced as they looked at me like I was an idiot when I showed probably one of the most important tattoos to me right now. I wanted to cry. I just gave up and said well I really like it and walked away. Then when I went and sat down by my cousin I heard them laughing, now I know it probably wasn't about ths tattoo but it felt like it. I wanted to cry so bad. But instead I went upstairs and talked to one of my friends that new what happened and he made me feel better. But this tattoo thing still bothers me. I care so much about what my family thinks and I hate having them think that this is so silly. But how do I tell my mom that it's a survivor tattoo. She can't even say I was sexually assaulted. I just want to run into the room where she is and say no it's not a dumb tattoo it's a survivor tattoo! But I know I can't do that. I should wait till our vacation is over but I don't want to. I just want to tell her now but then once I tell her I can't leave and say I need to go I have to stay in the room while she responds in a awkward way making it even harder to deal with. That's really ways making me wait. So I can tell her and then jump in my car and drive away to a friends for a bit if things take a turn for the worse. I think I will just sit her down and be like I need to talk to you. I don't have a problem telling friends or people I don't know but I can't tell my family :/
  12. Thank you very much. :] sadly now its broken lol
  13. So i messed up :/

    I went a whole year with out hurting myself again and Monday night I totally blew it. I have wanted to cut my lip again but I have always resisted. Well Monday I was driving back home from Milwaukee and a song came on on my ipod. It was I Hate Everything About you by Three Days Grace. I started thinking about Casey the man who sexually assaulted me and then I started thinking about the rape and I started to get pulled into the dark feelings. For some reason it just felt right and the next thing I knew I scratched the inside of my lips with my finger nails. At first I stopped myself but then song kept repeating and I started scratching more and more. I started bleeding everywhere and I couldn't stop. I put on the playlist that I have for whenever I get upset which I haven't used in months and I start shredding the inside of my lips and just digging my nails into the inside of my bottom lip trying to cause as much pain as possible. I did this for the full hour drive home and by the end my mouth, finger, and chin where covered/caked in blood. When I got home I cleaned off as best as I could and after walking through the front door I ran upstairs and washed everything off. I hate that I SIed again and my lip hurts so much. I can't even eat food or drink out of straw with out pain. The last few days my lips have been swollen and I keep tasting blood from the cuts getting reopen. I'm going to try not to SI anymore this was my one weak moment but surprisingly once it was done I was walking around relaxed and fine. It was just that I needed to let a little steam out and now everything is back to normal. I will just have to remember that next time I need to let a little steam out to not cut my lip.
  14. Ahhhh this is a tough predicament I would say talk to him after finals though for sure. You have feelings to and should be able to express them as readily as he can. I have been in similar situations but honestly communication is the key. Just broach it level headed and be like I know school is ending but where do we stand? You sound like you don't just wanna be the hook up on the side. I don't blame you. Do some soul searching are u comfortable with just being fwb if that is ALL it will ever come to or do you need more? I think u just def need to talk to him at some point
  15. Feeling better :]

    Lyrics from one of my favorite songs called Stupid Boy by Keith Urban. this song is for any girl or boy that has or is being abused. Well, she was precious like a flower She grew wild, wild but innocent A perfect prayer in a desperate hour She was everything beautiful and different Stupid boy, you can't fence that in Stupid boy, it's like holdin' back the wind She laid her heart and soul right in your hands And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't Stupid boy, stupid boy So what made you think you could take a life And just push it, push it around? I guess to build yourself up so high You had to take her and break her down Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't You stupid boy, oh, you always had to be right But now you lost the only thing That ever made you feel alive Yeah, yeah Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands, yeah And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans, yes, you did She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't You stupid boy Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy It took a while for her to figure out She could run but when she did She was long gone, long gone She's gone Long gone Yeah she is now Yeah, ohh On and on She loved me, she loved me, she loved me God, please, doesn't matter no I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby Yeah, I don't believe She's never coming back to me I have been listening to this song a lot lately and it is very relieving. It gives me strength and assurance. I have been dealing with a lot of people going over my comfort thresh hold. I have had to tell over three guys in the past week or two to not hold me down or do something to me, and the thing is I'm not even doing sexual stuff with them when this happens. But they do somethings (sometimes joking sexual) that triggers it and makes me uncomfortable. I have to say though I am proud of myself. I used to just suffer through it and wait for it to be done but I'm finally speaking up :] That is a big accomplishment for me! :] On another good note today I had a very good conversation with one of my really good friends about everything and I shared a lot of stuff with him. His response was amazing. He is so supportive and honestly I'm not used to that much support. Its great :] I def don't know what I did in a past life to deserve his friendship. I even let him read part of my blog and I NEVER do that. Only one other person has read a blog and he was the first person to know about the rape. These positive responses are making it easier for me to open up to people. I don't think I will totally allow myself to lean on others for support yet because its just not what I do. Resilience and caring the burden on my own is what I know how to do but this is definitely helping me open up better. And maybe one day I can allow myself to lean on others. But we will see. :] That's all for now ta ta :]