punkbabeh

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    32
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About punkbabeh

  • Birthday 03/18/1992

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    I'm really into art, heavy metal and punk and watching films (usually films with Henry Rollins in) and I live with my fiance, father in law and our senile dog and out lovely new member of our family, our cat.
  1. Coping, or therefore lack of

    I think my best friend, my maid of honour, has blocked me on facebook or deleted her account without even texting me about it. She usually tells me everything and vice versa. I feel like I've put stress on her about the case because she was present on the night. I don't know what to think about it. My other bridesmaid gave me evidence about my attacker (she wasn't there but knows him too and he said some things to her that I then had to give to police)...she doesn't want me to go over or speak to anyone because everyone is pestering her. Now my best mate doesn't obviously want anything to do with me. I feel like my future is turning rubbish, I'll have no bridesmaids at this point. Girls I chose because they've always been there for me no matter what happened. I won't have the girls I wanted to walk me down the aisle and chat to, to soothe my nerves in the morning and to have drinks with the week before. I even organised a night out for my evidence bridesmaid because she's too young to go clubbing. It hurts so much to know that they just flee when it comes to trouble like this. Now I know that they won't be in my future forever. I feel more alone than ever. It hurts so much, I want to cry. I want to text her but I know I'll be more hurt if she doesn't answer. I don't care that HIS gf blocked me, fair enough, she hates me. I even understand that I got blocked by a friend of 7 years because he came out with some total rubbish about a singer I love and adore and I stood up for her. But my best friend?! The one who's hair I did on the night I was attacked, the one who I've always backed up and suggested that she asks out the guy she's fancied for ages, the one I went to when my last relationship broke down, the one I've always adored and who's always come to me for help and support to, the one I've known for 2 years after going so long with no friends. I feel like I'm 13 again, a loner and unwanted and hated.
  2. I've been feeling numb recently, the past week in fact, IT happened a week ago today. I get the shakes non-stop now, luckily when I'm sat or lying down, I have no idea how they would affect me whilst standing or walking. I've not cried much. It's like I've accepted what's happened. I haven't. Things set me off, I don't live very far from him, I have to go past his street on the bus to get to the hospital, I shake. I hear that he's been ringing people claiming that he's innocent. I shake. I discuss the case with the police or my partner or the doctors. I shake. I can't breathe when it happens. My throat closes up a bit, my muscles tense up and it feels like s seizure but I don't black out. I can't breathe so I can't do breathing techniques. I can't move so I can't do progressive muscle techniques. It feels like my heart is about to burst out of my chest. It happened on the bus, the bus was full as well, I felt sick and knew that people were watching. It wasn't even cold on the bus, not like I could say 'brrrr bit cold on here'...I wanted to cry, I was near his house. I could tell that HE was there. I told the police that he's been ringing up the witnesses saying he's innocent. They said they've spoken to them all, and that we can all still be friends but we just can't talk about the case, it's just me and HIM that can't communicate. Now one of my best mates, my bridesmaid, who's been dragged into this because of him talking to her, doesn't want to be spoken to for days, doesn't want me to see her and won't answer any calls (I haven't called her, just that's what her facebook says) I feel like I've hurt her I'm scared to go out, my fiance has to go sign on at the dole today and has left me at home. I doubt I'll even open to curtains. I said I might go to the doctors and talk about the shakes and anxiety, and see if I can get put on the sick. I'm too scared to even go out. I know HE doesn't know where I live but even still. I heard today that an old couple were attacked with a machete in my old village, 4 miles from my current home. It was on the news within minutes asking for witnesses. My attack happened a week ago today, and the police have barely even spoken to me about it. Makes me sick. I feel ill, I'm on my second days worth of antibiotics and pills, I feel sick from them and from the fact I can only manage one meal a day now. It's like I enjoy the food bit, I love food, and cooking it, but when it comes to eating more than one meal...I just can't. I think I've lost a lot of weight. I really don't know if I can cope with this stress and illness. Before all this, my stress was planning my wedding. We had it all planned out, I used to be on another forum for alternative brides and we were happy. Now we can't go a day without one of us crying. I can't cope. I just want to sleep for a bit.
  3. Got a great one off my mother (I rang her and told her even though we have no relationship anymore *non situation related*) she came over and all it was: Capitals are the thoughts running through my head. You know my opinion of him, why were you even hanging out with him? (screaming in my head: BECAUSE HE WAS MY FRIEND! AND I DIDN'T PLAN FOR HIM TO GO OUT AND ATTACK ME!) Why didn't you push him off? (BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WEAK FROM MY BLEEDING CONDITION AND I HAD BEEN DRINKING, AGAIN, I DIDN'T EXACTLY PLAN IT!) Where was P****? *my partner* (AT HOME, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT JOINED AT THE HIP)...maybe if he went with you, it wouldn't have happened. You know we need to talk about the family situation a little more than we need to talk about this. At least ring on Christmas Eve because the whole family will be there, and say sorry to everyone, you've hurt a lot of people. Your grandparents are wondering if they'll die before you ever get in touch. (MY RAPIST COULD HAVE KILLED ME Y'KNOW. SO ME DOING SOME CLEANING IN YOUR HOUSE AND ALSO BEING SUICIDAL IN THE PAST IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING RAPED ON FRIDAY?) Got a good one from my father-in-law on the way back from the video statement, and these include my answers that I said out loud. P''l *brother in law* isn't happy that you've put it on facebook. (It's my body and my choice to talk about it, I shouldn't be made to feel ashamed for something I didn't do.) Also a lot of evidence from witnesses has come via my facebook inboxes...almost 60 pages of evidence.
  4. trigger.... It's been 2 days and already found some. - Pictures of him...like my birthday pictures from last year when we were friends and were dancing together...and I had to unfriend him on facebook. - The thought of the nightclub I was at that night...I know that I'm in a picture with him, and it's getting uploaded by the club soon :/ - Car parks...I live near two and have to walk through one to get to the bus stop. - Alternative guys (bad, seeing as all my friends are metallers, punks and emos)...he's an emo guy. - Long dark hair on men...I've not watched TV in two days. - I had sex with my partner last night, and we ended up in one of the positions he did to me...it was fine when it was just penetration but then when he was done and he tried to finish me off...I felt exposed and I cried...he was so sorry. and it wasn't even his fault, he just didn't know. I'm going to have to tell him about what I can't do now. - Porn...I used to like it rough and I liked watching it...now I can't.