selaine

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About selaine

  • Birthday 09/27/1970

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. Hi Muddywater, I know just exactly how you feel! I've felt this way all of my life and most of the time wish I could be invisible and just make it through the day! I seem to make a lot of mistakes (and don't have relationship skills). On the outside I'm alway's smiling and "can listen" to others.....but get to feeling smothered if someone try's to get close to me and usually end up messing up or trying to get people to back off. I think that's a self-defense thing for us survivors that just comes naturally. I also feel like I can never be a good enough wife, mom, worker, friend and anything else. I always feel like a phony or never good enough! I find myself watching other people who have self-confidence, healthy self-esteem and wish that I could have that.....41 years old and I'm still not even close I love your "Misfit Toys" concept as that's how I have always felt.....it would be nice to be able not to have all this baggage wouldn't it? Hang in there.....because you have countless others like you (ME for one!) selaine
  2. Catmom3, Like -Vis said - You are NOT alone! What you are feeling is normal. I know you are sick of "everything" and just want to heal and be okay! I'm going through the same thing! Hang in there and just take it take day by day! Don't beat yourself up and just do what you can and know that I care!!! You have friends here that care about you and we are all in this together! selaine
  3. No I have not called the rainn.org hotline - I didn't even know it existed. I might try that since I can't get into a counselor until November 10. I wish I could be in counseling now...I just want to get it over with and get it all out. I want to learn to be myself instead of always pretending but living with fear, anxiety, and depression on the inside. Well at least it was all on the inside until this past year.....when I seemed to spin out of control and the anxiety/depression and crying all the time couldn't be hid any longer and I could NOT control it anymore. I'm confused as to why it's all bubbling out at 41 years of age...it has helped tremdendously finding Pandora's and others that I can talk freely with and not feel embarrassed or worried that they will be disgusted or tired of me....most people just want to give advice that I need to keep busier! They don't understand that I can't control this and that I have tried to control this for 41 years...and don't like being like this.....so thank you and I will call the rainn.org just to talk with someone and find ways to cope Thank you for being a friend and the hotline # (selaine) Sherry
  4. Thank you Nancy, Your words mean a lot to me and help put into perspective the whole childhood ordeal! I don't understand why it's consuming me and my life at 41 years of age....but I'm going to try to deal with it instead of hiding and trying to escape from it. I know it will be hard at times...but you are right - I need to learn to love myself and find out who I really am instead of always hiding behind a smile and wanting to please everyone else! I do love helping others and I believe my childhood made me more compassionate and patient with others...now I just need to be more compassionate and patient with my self!!! I do feel like I'm in such a deep mourning for the little girl that I never got to be - does that make any sense? Having a husband and two boys is probably a blessing....but I miss all the childhood (girl things) that I could of and should of been doing! Don't know if that makes sense either? I don't think I've ever let myself mourn for my childhood....I think I have always tried to act tough or like one of the boys so that I didn't have to deal with being sad over not being a little girl. You are right - I'm innocent and need to work on learning to live free of the chains my parents still hold over me. They are not the ones hurting and not the ones who have never allowed themselves to live....I'm tired of living with self-defeating behaviors and I want to get strong! Thank you again for your words that are TRUE! I've always been hard on myself and all the mistakes I make....but have never placed the blame on how I am on how I was raised - in constant fear, dread, worry, uncertainty, and being made to feel like I'm just worthless and disposable because of all the sick things they said and did. As a child, I didn't know any different than the life they put me through....and at least I try to be a good wife, mother, friend, and co-worker.....I just need to realize that everyone has accepted me and now I need to accept me! Many hugs to you, your friend, Sherry (selaine)
  5. I'm trying really hard to be positive. Seems as if I yo-yo from deep dark despair and wanting to give up and then small slivers of me want to battle the demons from my past once and for all and be able to start living.....finding out after 41 years - who I really am.....and not be constantly afraid and always second guessing myself! Anyway if anyone wants to check out the website it's called: Emerging From Broken...by Darlen Quimet....she also has a Facebook page.... http://emergingfrombroken.com/three-keys-to-breaking-the-chains-and-facing-emotional-pain/#more-3400 http://emergingfrombroken.com/rebuilding-my-relationship-with-me-recovering-from-dysfunctional/ hugs to all my new friends! selaine
  6. I'm so confused and just so tired of being me!!! I can't seem to get over this non-stop anxiety and deep-dark-depression!!!! I've had people tell me just to make myself get up or get out and do things!!! They don't understand! I've tried everything! I don't even want to go out in public, I don't want to talk to anyone, and I just want to be BETTER! I don't like being like this!!! I don't even want to be a wife, parent, co-worker, or college student right now! I just know that things are really wrong and I can't seem to "Snap out of it" like everyone wants me to! My husband ask me everyday..."How are you? Are you feeling better?" What am i supposed to lie and say yes? am I supposed to go back to pretending that everything is okay? I've done that my whole 41 years....and I just can't seem to do that anymore!!! I called around to counselors and can't find anyone that can get me in any sooner than over a month away!! What am I supposed to do till then??? I can't even leave my own house and I'm supposed to go back to work within a week. I've already missed 3 weeks cause I couldn't hold it together anylonger....I couldn't pretend any longer!!!! I hate that something that happened over 20 years ago has complete control over my life and over my!!!! I hate that I apparently was not worthy as a child to be protected!!1 My own mother let my father sexually, physically, and mentally abuse me. She physically and mentally abused me my first 20 years as well!!! Why won't the memories and flashback go away? Why do I still feel like that scared little girl and always SECOND guessing myself? Why do I NEVER feel good enough or even worthy of my life???? I just don't know what to do???? Everyone will expect me to go back to being a wife, mother, worker, and helper.....if I do ....it will just be pretend as before!!!! I feel so dirty and so unworthy.....and this deep depression and anxiety is about to do me in!!!! What do I do? selaine
  7. Irishleo, I feel your pain and know what you are going through!!!! With exception to the fact that my own mother knew that my father was sexually abusing me and chose to do nothing - except threaten me if I ever told anyone. So I lived in a household where everyone knew what was going on but was too scared to tell anyone!!!! As an adult - at about 27 years of age I confronted my parents (I wrote a letter) and I also wrote letters to Aunt's, Uncle's and cousin's....come to find out "NO-ONE" was surprised!!! And apparently my father tried raping my Mom's own sisters and my mother still did NOTHING!!! I have broken off all contact with my parents - the toxic cycle and secrets were NOT going to be a part of my own TWO children's lives!!! It was the best thing that I've ever done for myself and my family!!! I still have lot's of daily struggles, flashbacks, nightmares, and a lot of other problems....but confronting through the safety of a written letters was the safety I used instead of face-to-face. I wish you luck with whatever you decide...keep me posted!!! I care! selaine
  8. I Can't Believe I SLEPT ALL Night!

    I went to bed at 9:30 last night and actually fell asleep and didn't wake until 4:00 this morning. It felt wonderful to finally sleep. May be the med's are kicking in and starting to work! a couple of weeks ago the dr. had started switching me over from Zoloft (had been on it for years and they kept increasing the dose) but it wasn't working anymore. So the Dr. switched me to Efforex. I've been thinking I was going to lose my mind or actually was losing my mind...because all I could do was sit around and cry non-stop day and night....and pace the house (couldn't sleep at all). I have not wanted to leave the house at all in the last three weeks....the only time I have left the house was to see the Dr. Has anyone else been on Efforex? And if so, has it taken a couple of weeks to help? Or, did it help at all? I had one friend tell me that it made her depression/anxiety symptoms worse than ever.....I wish someone could just wave a magic wand and make my childhood memories disappear! The hold they have over my life has been pure HELL!!!! I'm such a dysfunctional person who has been hiding behind a smile on the outside while pure agony on the inside!!! selaine
  9. Thanks Lauren84, I have had friends checking on me today through phone calls and that helped a lot. I also slept today for a couple of hours and that helped too. I hadn't been sleeping at all - so it felt good to sleep. I've tried calling other counselors and it appears that they all have a month waiting list to even see a new patient. I live in a very small town so the options are few. I can't afford to travel somewhere very far....so I will be thankful for finding Pandora's and being able to vent or talk to other survivors and I will just try to hang in there Thank you for caring selaine
  10. I Don't Know What To Do?

    I finally got up the courage to call a counselor yesterday. They said they would discuss who could help me and call me back today. Well, they just called and said they'd accept me as a patient. However, the soonest appointment they have to get me in is a month away!!! I can't wait that long. I can't go through this hell anymore! I have completely broke down. I haven't left my house in over two weeks and I'm supposed to be working a full-time job!!!! What do I do? I'm afraid to go to a hospital where it's all strangers and I have no idea what they will do or if they will do anything at all? Plus, the added expense of a hospital is not something I can afford since I've been missing work so much!! I just don't know what to do???? I know I can't take much more and feel so horrible - so deeply depressed and uncontrollable anxiety, worry, fear, disgust at not being able to hold myself together or at least pretend that I'm okay! I've pretended for so MANY years and I just can't do it anymore!!!!!! Does anyone have any ideas or advice???? selaine
  11. thank you Irishleo! Hugs your way also! I'm very frustrated....it was so very hard for me to get up the courage to call a counselor. Now, every counselor I have called has either a waiting list or cannot get me in for at least a month. I don't know what to do? I can't wait a month! I don't want to go to a hospital - but it's getting to where I don't know what else to do? I don't even want to leave my house and have already missed two weeks of work and this is starting the third week of missing......what do I do???? selaine
  12. Pink, I believe you and I send you hugs to keep you safe and warm! Don't ever let anyone try to convince you that you MADE up things!!! That is a control issue that your mum is trying to hold over you. May be she just doesn't want to deal with it or face it....or likes having control over you? I understand how you are feeling.....and I feel your PAIN!!! sincerely, selaine
  13. Squinky, Hi Squinky I’m glad to meet you! I'm new here as of yesterday! I have been hiding in my house scared for the last 2 weeks. I have had to miss work and then feel guilty for letting work, family, and responsibilities go because I'm in this uncontrollable stage of crying all the time, can't control how deep and dark I feel any longer. I've hid behind a smile all my life and over the last year I haven't been able to do that anymore. It's exhausting! I finally got the courage this morning to call a counselor and I'm hoping that they can get me in ASAP...but part of me is terrified to go and open up...after all I've been trained since I was in diapers to keep secrets and have never known any other way of living! I’m afraid that opening up to someone will make me lose my mind. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of it controlling my life. I'm tired of feeling like a scared little kid all the time! May I ask how long you have been battling this and if you have suggestions to a newbie to Pandora’s Aquarium? It feels so weird finding this website and knowing that there ARE OTHERS out there that have went through this!!!! Sincerely, selaine
  14. I'm praying for you emilymattea that it works out! Just know that I care and I'm rooting for you! Sincerely, selaine
  15. I’m new here and I’m scared to death! I have been scared my whole life, which I’m now 41 years old- and I’m tired of being scared, screwed-up, non-stop major depression, and anxiety. I always feel like if people knew the real me – they’d be disgusted and not want me around. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to leave my own house. I have missed the last two weeks of work and was supposed to go back tomorrow….but CAN’T!!!! This is a very SMALL town in which I live….I’m ashamed, embarrassed, and horribly guilty that I have been not been able to hold it together anymore (all I do is cry non-stop. I can’t pretend that everything is okay anymore…I’ve pretended my whole life…and it’s exhausting to act like I’m okay and everything is okay – when it’s actual hell to be me!!! I don’t want to see anyone (or anyone to see me), and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m desperate and grasping at straws to make it through each day. That is why I was thankful to find Pandora’s Aquarium! I hope to learn from others – I hope to be able to freely talk and tell others how I really feel without having to worry that they will be disgusted or think I'm crazy….because members here have been abused and know what I’m going through. Anyway – thank you for sharing your own stories, battles, and miracles in your lives….and please bare with me while I go through the process of finally trying to heal my life and myself! Sincerely, selaine