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About Nixie

  • Birthday 12/05/1988

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  1. psychotherapy assessment

    ok so yesterday i had an appointment for them to decide if i would benefit from psychotherapy, it is very hard to get psychotherapy where i live so even to get an assessment is a big deal. i didnt really know what to expect i kinda thought it would be quite structured and they would ask brief questions to find out a bit about me without going into too much detail. it was in the mental health centre where i was in hospital for nearly 3 months so they know the basics about me, in that i was SA as a child etc etc so i kinda just thought he would touch on this at the start it was quite open where he just said tell me about yourself.... i was like errr, where to start lol anyways once we got onto the topic of the past he was asking LOADS of questions and going into details that i have never told anyone before, i really didnt expect this and it was horrid but i didnt feel like i could ask him to move on he made a comment at the end about how i didnt seem very upset when talking about it..but thats the point, i kind of separate myself from it and dont feel emotions that would be rational. im a bit confused, i still feel really drained and adding on the fact that this week i have started back at work its all a bit too much. i dont know if i can cope with it all, the session went on for over 90mins and we still didnt finish so i have to go back in a couple of weeks which i am dreading. and i know this probably sounds strange but the fact that he was a guy kinda made me uncomfortable but how can i tell them that?
  2. falling apart

    with each day, i feel like my world is falling further and further apart. over the last few months i have battled with severe depression and while i was ill my housemates were great! they were there for me and i felt like i had finally found some friends who appreciated me for being me. but now that i am better they dont want anything to do with me. they have asked me to move out when the tennancy is up for renewal in a couple of months time, but they were really mean about it. one of them said "i dont want to live with someone like you" (referring to my mental illness) and the other said "i lived with someone i hated for 3 years because i didnt have the courage to tell them, I dont want to be in that situation again" so basically telling me she hates me i feel so alone and hated. im desperate to go back to work but have to be cleared by occupational health before i can go back and this is a huge issue, i have another appointment with them on tuesday and if they say i still cant go back, i dont know what i will do. i cant cope being in a house where everyone hates me. but i have no other option right now, i feel like i have lost all my friends and barely have any contact with my family. i do have a new boyfriend which is the only positive thing in my life right now, but that new relationship is bringing up complicated feelings and i dont know how to cope anymore i just want to scream aaggggghhhhhhhh
  3. goodbye dad

    today was the 3rd annniversary of my dads death. ive been so confused over my feelings towards him and wanted to do something to symbolise saying goodbye. i had been racking my brains as every where that i could think of which i assosiated with him had horrible memories as well as good ones so i didnt want to go there. finally i remembered one summer when i spent a lot of the school holidays with him and he used to take me fishing on a local lake. i decided that this will be the place to remember him as it is full of good memories and nothing negative happened there. i wrote him a letter and attatched it to one of those chinese lanterns and sat and watched as it flew off over the water. i just hope that this will give me some closure finally, and now i have a place where i can go and visit him whenever i want.
  4. unwanted

    my housemate has just told me she doesnt want to live with me anymore, she said that with my recent depressive episode that left me in hospital for months i have been leaning on her too much. i feel like such a burden on her i always have and now this just confirms that i think she hates me, and i deserve it, and now im going to be homeless again
  5. may 6th

    well this weekend has been creeping up on my for a while and my flashbacks and nightmares have been getting worse. Sunday will be the 3rd anniversary of my dad's suicide and i dont know how to feel. i really miss him and i want him back. i dont really understand this though, my family like to pretend he never existed so i cant even talk to them about it, their attitude is that i should hate him and be glad that he is dead. i would give anything right now to just give him a hug, it sounds so pathetic but at the end of the day despite what he did, he was my dad. its my fault he's dead, he tried to tell me how much he was suffering and he just wanted to talk to me but i turned him away, i tried to pretend he didnt exist and this made him think i hated him. it's all my fault and i cant take it back. i hate knowing this and i know there is nothing i can do to change the past but i wish i could make it up to him. i want to do something to make me feel close to him on sunday, but i just dont know what. he doesnt have a grave and i dont know where his ashes were spread or even IF they were. i have no contact with the rest of his family and have no one i can share this with. i just feel lost at the moment
  6. i wanna go back to work

    ok so thought it was about time i wrote in my blog again, im getting seriously stressed out about my financial situation. yesterday i had an assessment to determin whether or not i am fit to return to work or not yet. the doctor was absolutly lovely but she came to the decision that she wants to get a report from my psychiatrist first (who hasnt seen me in 5weeks) to say that he is happy with my progress, dont know how he is supposed to comment on it when i havent seen him for so long. anyways not returning to work means that the little sick pay that i was getting will stop this week and despite several attempts at claiming benefits, i have been told that because i technically have a full time job i'm not entitled to anything, ridiculous, how do they expect me to pay my rent? i know it sounds like i only want to return to work for the money but there is more to it than that. i miss the social interaction and crave to have some routine in my day again, rather than staying home alone all day then hearing my housemates talk about work when they get in. i really miss it. anyways tomorrow i am going to make yet another attempt at claiming benefits, because so far each different person i talk to gives me different information.
  7. im such a coward

    i still havent had the guts to go and speak to my mum. ive been avoiding her and havent heard anything from her in over a week when i found out she had opened a letter from my work. the letter was about my sick pay being reduced to 1/2 because i have been off for so long. she didnt tell me that she had opened the letter till 3 weeks later, and in that time she didnt ask me if i was ok or what was going on. i need to tell her that i have been in hospital for depression because of something else that has made things so complicated! but i am so scared about how she is going to react.i know it probably sounds really stupid to be scared. whenever i spoke to staff at the hospital they all encourage me to go and see her, to tell her what is going on. but i know what shes like and i know it will end in arguments im being such a coward shes just a person why is it so difficult to tell her
  8. so confused and scared

    i have so much going round my head i have no idea what is going on anymore, i have now found myself in a position where i have to tell my mother that i have been in hospital with depression i am so scared about how she is going to react but i have no choice, i know shes gonna get angry because thats the kind of person she is, i really dont want her to know. i feel like ive been backed into a corner and there is no way out. i dont know what to do, i dont know how to tell her. do i go there in person> or do it via email? im so scared of what she will do
  9. ok so this last week i have been shoved from pillar to post, majority of the time ive not known whats happening and staff have repeatedly lied to me. ive been in hospital since about 8th january and finally starting to go on overnight leave. thats fine, im happy to be going home more often but my argument is that for the first few times i would like to do it when someone will be around at home rather than go back to an empty house. but my consutant disagrees. last friday however my consultant was not in my ward round and so the junior doctor agreed with me and delayed my leave till monday and tuesday night when my housemate would be at home. i went back to the ward at midday on wednesday as planned but was in a bit of a state. i had SI'd whilst at home and told them that i didnt feel safe enough to go home that night when no one would be there. i was left hanging around the ward until 6.30pm when my doctor eventually came and saw me (in this time 3 female admissions had come in while i was still waiting). my doctor turned round and said there was not a free female bed for me on the ward so i would have to be transferred. rediculous! if he had come and seen me earlier while there were 3 free beds it wouldnt have been a problem. i told him i would be happier to go home than to be transferred as i would find it very unsettling to go to a new ward in a different hospital the other side of london, but he said he wasnt happy to send me home because i was so distressed. so i was transferred the next day in the other hospital i was told that i was going to be staying there for a few days until they had a bed for me at my local hospital. then at 5pm i was told that i was being transferred back to my ward becuase they had a bed. it wasnt till i got all the way back to my hospital that i was then told there was still no bed and i was going to be sent home for the night. i was fuming, what had changed in the last 24hours to mean i was now safe to go home? i hadnt seen a doctor in that time so who made that decision? if they had told me earlier in the day then i could have prepared myself for going home but they lied to me. they knew full well i wasnt being taken back to my local ward and yet they told me i was. anyway that was thursday night. they brought me back with full intention of sending me home and yet no one had bothered to order my medication. i had to hang around till it was late enough to take my night time meds then go back to the ward first thing to have my morning meds, how stupid they had all day they could have ordered them no problem. i went back to the ward at 10am on friday and it took an hour for someone to get me my meds (is it really that hard!?) and then got told to wait to be seen by my doctor. there was still no bed for me so i have now been sent on leave for a week but yet again i was waiting so long to see my doctor that they didnt have time to order my meds. i ended up staying on the ward till 9pm to have my night time meds, went back this morning for my morning meds and have to go back tonight to pick up my meds for the next two days (they only trust me to have 2 days worth) so have to go back on monday and will be left hanging around all day again no doubt! sorry just having a rant. i dont know how they can send a patient on leave and give their bed away. i understand that there are other people who need to come into hospital too but i dont feel safe at home on my own. ive told them that but they dont care. they dont listen to what i say so whats the point. i might as well just tell them what they want to hear and be discharged completly i dont see the point in being under their care anymore when they completly go against what i want.
  10. confussed

    ok my doctor saw me today, (first time since last friday) and he feels like i am making progress. he said that i can have some home leave during the day at the weekend and then maybe some overnight leave during the week providing everything is going ok. if all goes to plan then i think i will be discharged next week, which im really unsure about. i dont know if im ready. i hate this place and i really wanna go home but if they send me home too soon then im scared it will set me back and i will just end up being admitted again, and then i will be worse off. but then on the other side of things, i dont think im really gaining much from being in hospital. i dont feel like there is anyone here i can talk to and the doctor said he doesnt feel im ready for psychotherapy at the moment, which i would have thought would help me. i just feel like my head is all over the place. right now i dont feel ready to go home, but i guess its just a case of taking things one step at a time
  11. in hospital

    ok so things were getting out of control and i am now in hospital to make sure im keeping myself safe. i dont like it here though. i really wanna go home. the staff treat me like a child and i feel like im being watched all the time. i have been here just over a week and i havent been told anything, i have no idea how long im gonna have to stay here for. before i came into hospital i was seeing the "crisis team" on a daily basis and when they spoke to me about admission they said it would only be for a couple of days, but now they've got me here they're saying its more likely to be months!! i think that being here is making me worse though. there are very few members of staff i trust and no one that i have found i can talk to. when i say my doctor on friday, he was pretty insistant that i change my job, but i dont want to! that is the one thing in my life that i actually love. i love the people i work with and i love the environment (although admittedly it can be very stressful at times). is it really so hard to understand that someone can enjoy their work?? last time i spoke to the doctors was on friday and they were talking about referring me for psychotherapy, but i havent been seen by any of the doctors since then so i have no idea what is happening about that. he seemed very unsure about it though?! they keep asking me if there is anything that they can do to help but the whole point is that i dont know!!! i dont know how to cope with everything thats going on. i dont know how to stop my negative thoughts and i dont know why everything is so full on right now!! i just want to feel like myself again. i dont like this
  12. some of my thoughts

    i want to die i dont know how to get through this i want to cry but my body wont let me when will i get past this will i ever get past this? i dont know if im safe but i cant admit that to people in real life i never had plans to OD the first time, what if the thoughts take over again? im fed up of pretending im ok i want to die but i dont want to kill myself im scared of myself, scared of what i might do. i'm sorry, i just dont know how to cope
  13. weak and pathetic

    im so scared that im going insane, im spending my first night alone since my OD last week and i keep hearing things. im sitting with the tv loud so to distract me but its not working. i know this is probably what im supposed to use the crisis team's phone number for, but i dont want them to think im not coping. i want to get back to work so i can have a little normality in my life but if they think im not coping then they wont let me sooo confused i feel so angry at myself that i cant do this without help. why cant i just be normal. i feel so weak and pathetic, i dont like this.
  14. hospitals aaggghhhh

    well, i wrote before about going to my GP but yesterday my GP then sent me to A+E i had to go to another hospital further away as i work in my local hospital and therefore know a lot of the staff there. i know they would be bound by confidentiality laws but i wouldnt want to risk it. well i sat in A+E for 6 hours having bloods and everything done then had to be assessed by the on-call psychiatrist. i hated every second of it. he wanted me to be admitted overnight but i refused. that is my worst fear. i had told a friend what had happened and she had come with me to the hospital, i was so glad she was there as she stuck up for me and told the psych that she would stay with me overnight to ensure i was safe. he made a referral to the mental health team at my local hospital and i have to go there daily for now i had my first assessment there today. they had all the notes from the night before and therefore knew some detail about the abuse from my past, yet i was interviewed in a small room by two males. the door didnt shut properly so one of them pulled their chair infront of it. not only am i very anxious about men that i dont know, im very claustrophobic so blocking the door with his chair just made me panic - not the best first impression when im trying to convince them im well enough not to need to be sectioned. i have to go there everyday for the first week although im not too sure how this will work with christmas etc? im so embarrased about what i did, i really dont want anyone at work to find out
  15. OMG!

    ok i decided that i shouldnt be doing this alone, so i have told my housemate about the overdose on sunday. as i work in a hospital, she had to tell my boss, who has got the crisis team involved. they have asked me to go to A+E to be assessed but i just cant, i know too many staff there and i dont want people to know. instead i am about to go to my GP to see if there is anything that she can do for me. i feel so lost. i feel like everything is getting out of control and i dont know how to get that control back. im so ashamed of what i did on sunday and i dont want to do it again, but everyone i've spoken to so far doesnt seem to get that. i dont want to end up having to stay in hospital. that would make things worse!