Each and every one of us on this website are extremely strong. We are the survivors of traumatic experiences, we are the ones who have opened up about what happened to us instead of just keeping it all inside.
With that being said, I agree with all the feelings you mentioned in this post.
I HATE myself. I am 5'7'' and I weigh 125 pounds so I am not a fat person, yet when I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I get so mad at myself when I get hungry because I feel like I don't deserve food. And when I get emotion is when I eat the most which generally just makes me more emotional because then I get mad at myself.
I have a guy in my life who I had feelings for before the rape. We went on our first date last night, and I had a blast. I enjoyed every minute of it. But today I find myself trying to find an excuse as to why I shouldn't go any farther with these feelings and why I should just remain his friend and that is all. I know he is not B and I know he would never do the things B did to me. Yet, I am so scared to let him into my life because I am scared I am going to be hurt or worse hurt him by not giving him the trust he deserves. He has been by my side through it all. He was the one who came over at 3 am when I would wake up with nightmares. He has done nothing, but support me. Yet, I find myself being reluctant to start anything with him...
When I was raped my virginity was stolen I was saving it for someone special, but B came in and took it away as if it was his to take. I have a really hard time dealing with that.
I don't know when I will be able to take control of my life again.
I don't know when there will be a day where I don't think about this at least once.
I just know that WE are the strong ones. WE are the ones who can make a difference. WE can be here to support one another.