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About Irishleo

  • Birthday July 29

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  1. Thank you rus
  2. Feeling miserable

    I know life is hard for everyone, but surely it isn't supposed to be THIS hard. I'm so tired of struggling, and working like crazy and having nothing to show for it. Most days it feels like all I do is work, and at the end of the day there is never anything to show for my efforts. I can deal with disappointments. I can deal with disillusionment. What I can't deal with, is that things never get better. New problems and challenges simply get added to the old ones. It's like running on a treadmill and never getting anywhere. It's been YEARS now. How long can I pretend I believe that in time it will get better? The truth is, it's not even bearable at the moment. I don't even know why I'm bothering writing these words. It's not even making me feel any better.
  3. Unrequited love

    I've been in love with him from a distance for nearly a year now. I didn't even realize it at first. In the beginning, there was attraction. I was touched by his kindness, his compassion, and his brilliant mind. As I got to know him better, I couldn't help but develop strong feelings for him. It's like he can truly see me for who I am, and doesn't judge me. I've never felt so connected to anyone in my whole life, we have so much in common... But... he's not single. Nothing has happened between us beyond mild flirtation. It's only in my heart that I dream about being with him. He loves someone else, and has a life with her. So knowing that, why am I letting myself fantasize about him? Why am I trying to maintain a friendship with him, when it hurts me so much to even be around him? Am I trying to hurt myself? After everything I've been through, why did my heart have to choose someone to love that I can't have? It isn't fair. How do I stop having these feelings?
  4. Why do I even bother?

    I got an argument with one of my sisters today about my abuser. For some reason, I felt like I could convince her that he's a monster that attacked me and our other sister. I don't know why, since she steadfastly refuses to believe us. For the first time I even started to give her some of the terrible details of what he's done to me, but it was like her mind was closed to hearing it. She demanded proof, and wouldn't listen without it. How am I supposed to prove something that happened in the past when I was just a child? Why isn't my word good enough? Why would anyone lie about such a thing? I'm NOT a liar, and these things DID happen. She just kept saying why would he only abuse two of us sisters, and not all three. I tried to argue, how can I explain a monster's actions? Maybe he was never alone with her, maybe he knew she'd tell someone, or maybe he just wasn't attracted to her. I don't freaking know! What I DO know, is what happened to ME. And I also know, that she's wrong to not believe me. Why do I even care if she believes me? I know the truth, and so does the monster. It took courage for me to open up to her today and reveal some of the humiliating and traumatic memories, and she just dismissed them away. I know she is wrong to act like that, but it doesn't lesson the sting of it for some reason. Even when I told her how (one of my family members who knows what happened) had apologized to me on behalf of the monster for what he'd done to me, my sister just shook her head and refused to discuss further it unless I could present proof. Well, if I could go back in time to my six year old self I would do things differently, but I can't. So I guess I have to accept that she'll never believe me, and just try not to resent her for it.
  5. Shadow in the night

    In the beginning when he would sneak into my room at night, he would cover himself with a sheet, with only the eyes cut out so he could see. I remember shrieking and fleeing from the room that first time, thinking it was an actual ghost. A ghost would've been better than the monster that it was... I also remember how other times he would cover the white skin of his face and hands with black shoe polish. At the time I thought he was doing it so that I wouldn't know his identity, but now as an adult myself I think he did it to pretend to be African American in case he got caught in the act. But who knows? Either way, he quickly dispensed with the efforts of concealment. No one ever came to save me and I wasn't smart enough to save myself. Today I've been beating myself up a bit thinking with frustration about how easily I could have stopped the abuse when I was a child. If only I hadn't believed his lies that I would go to jail, that my parents would go to jail. Part of me recognizes that a small child can't compete against a diabolical adult, but it still frustrates me. If only, if only.... Why did he have to be so evil? It's almost as if he enjoyed inflicting fear and pain, more than the act itself. I don't forgive him. I won't forgive him. I hope he burns in Hell.
  6. Rain, clouds, and a little gloom

    I've been feeling gloomy for the last few days. I've had several problems going on in just about every area of my life this week, and I really wish I could just take a break from it all. People have been telling me lately how great I've been looking, and while that is nice to hear, it still strikes me as odd because inside I feel terrible. I feel sad, ugly, and like I radiate depression. I try to smile and act like I'm happy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm incredibly sad, and lonely. Every time I stand in a room full of people I feel like the lone outsider, and it sucks. Maybe Thanksgiving highlighted that for me. I never liked that holiday anyway... I've always been one of those people that feels emotions too strongly. Is that a strength, or a weakness? Depending on the day I change my mind. Whatever it is, it tends to make life uncomfortable at times.
  7. Not a good day

    ***Warning, some explicit details below Today I had to go see a specialist about my lifelong bowel problems that were caused by the abuse as a child. It was so hard talking to this complete stranger about the details of what the monster did to me, although she was kind. One thing she explained that I didn't know was that because I was so young when he started abusing me (in particular my anus/colon/pelvic region) that he destroyed a lot of the nerves which is a major contributing factor to my bowel issues. Now she has scheduled me for a surgery to try to correct it and I'm so afraid. I asked it if it would be painful and she said yes, but that it was necessary. I'm so worried, I don't want to go through that pain and frankly the thought of anyone touching me like that makes me start having panic attacks. I don't know what to do. I don't want to have the surgery, but I feel like I have no choice. This isn't fair, I've already suffered enough. I hate feeling like a coward, but I just would rather keep the bowel problems and not go through surgery. I wish I'd never gone to see her. On a side note, when I came home I told my mother what the doctor said about connecting my injuries to the abuse, and she turned her head away and said nothing. So nice to have the kind of mother that allows her child to get regularly ***** by a pedophile and then refuses to support me emotionally afterwards. Her absolute refusal to accept it happened makes me so angry. How dare she continue to pretend everything is fine? >:/ She doesn't believe my sister either who it also happened to. You would think if not one but two of your kids came to you and told you that were attacked by a monster you would believe them. Nope, not MY mother. After all, this is the woman that said if she were to believe it really happened then that would make her a bad mother. Sigh... I don't know why I let her denial get to me, but sometimes I can't help it.
  8. I wonder what it's like...

    Today I saw a father with his preteen daughter. It was clear they had such a lovely relationship, bantering and playing around affectionately together. I watched them for a moment wistfully at the happiness they shared. Then he put an arm around her shoulder and they walked off, still smiling. It was beautiful to see. Sometimes I forget that a father-daughter relationship isn't just something from movies, many people actually have that. It hurts me sometimes in unexpected moments like today, when I remember that, and know that it's something that I will never have.
  9. My own worst enemy

    As always, I destroy everything around me. I never mean to, I always have the best intentions, but the end result is the same. My social anxiety has turned me into such a freak, and I always come across as odd rather than shy. There was a time when I was articulate and charming, but those days are gone. Now I am a shy and introverted shadow of my former self. This week I inadvertently lost the respect of someone that I respect tremendously, and all because of a genuine misunderstanding. He misinterpreted me in a negative way, which is so often the case with me. I wish so badly that there was some way to fix things, but there isn't, I'd only make it worse. I tried going for a long walk outside today hoping to wear myself out, but it didn't help. I feel very alone and sad, and very hopeless. My existence feels meaningless to the world, and like a waste of space. I don't want to be here like this, I don't want to feel nothing but unhappiness. But life just keeps passing me by without ever getting better. Maybe it never will get better...
  10. Thank you g1ngerc@t, Susanna, and Untangling-It-All. I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for Pandy's and the kind people here.
  11. ((hugs)) if okay
  12. As I wrote in some of my earlier blog entries, my grandfather passed away a few months ago. We had a wake and a service for him, but because he passed away during the winter blizzard his body had been cremated and the burial delayed. We had the actual burial service this afternoon (to bury his ashes), so once again I had to be around the monster, my uncle. As usual, I tried to pretend he didn't exist. He tried several times to speak to my sister and I before it began, and each time I would turn my back on him and pretend he didn't speak. When the burial was completed everyone was heading towards their cars, and the women were getting ready to go out for tea. I had almost made it to my car when another relative stopped me, and was asking me questions. Because she delayed me, it gave the monster another opportunity to get to me. He stepped in between us and feigned a sad face. He said, "Hey, I'm still your uncle kid. The least you could do is say hi to me." I stared at him coldly for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are {my uncle}" Too bad he couldn't remember that when he was abusing me... Anyway, he tried to give me a mean stare and I just stared back, allowing my contempt to show on my face. Then before I could react he lightly put an arm on my shoulder. I recoiled and pulled away, but the damage was done. He tried addressing my little daughter then, asking her questions. Without a word I pulled her out of his reach and stalked over to my car, shaking with fury. I had wanted to punch him, tear him to pieces for touching me. I failed myself. AGAIN. I had made a sacred vow to myself that I would never let that man hug me or physically touch me ever again. I hate him even more for that. Hasn't he done enough to me? Then tonight when I saw my mother, I told her everything that happened. I should have known better because she has never supported me. She said in a very mean voice, "This is ridiculous. If he really did the things to you that you say, you'd get him locked up." I got angry, and said that it's easy for her to talk tough when the reality is that she'd never do that if she was in my position. That made her even angrier, and she said, "Yeah well, during the time you claim he was molesting you you never told me, so what am I supposed to believe?" Fuming, I responded that first of all, I was a child during the abuse and he'd been threatening me. Secondly, I pointed out that why I should expect the police to believe me when my own mother won't? She's a terrible mother. It makes me so mad that she refuses to believe me, but I know why she won't. She's already admitted in the past that if what I'm saying is true then it would mean she's a bad mother. She cares more about that than she does about me. What is bothering me the most tonight about her behavior though is the hatred and disgust in her voice when she spoke to me. Her refusal to believe me is a deep betrayal. And frankly, why the f**k would I lie? What kind of person WANTS to say they were abused by their own uncle???? I guess my mom won't be winning mother of the year anytime soon. Thank God I'm a better mother to my daughter than my mother has ever been to me.
  13. frustrated with my mother

    She's still in denial. Today we were talking about my childhood and the house we used to live in. She brought up and laughed about how I'd insisted moving out of my own room and into my sister's. I stared at her for a moment, wondering why she was laughing because I've told her that I did that in an attempt to protect myself from my attacker who would come in my room at night. When I reminded her of that she stopped laughing and sighed, annoyed at me for turning the conversation to that topic. I very rarely bring the abuse up to her, but in this case she really upset me by pretending she didn't know why I'd switched rooms when she knew damn well why. She always makes light of it, like I'm silly or delusional, and it pisses me off.
  14. I very much relate to what you wrote. Sending you peaceful energy
  15. Sitting with you mamielou