kaddy

Member
  • Content count

    16
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About kaddy

  • Rank
    mommabear
  • Birthday 03/22/1976

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    alberta
  • Interests
    family
  1. talk about scared

    Someone said brave today,ha if they only new how small i feel inside,I told my husband once he felt really bad for me,I try to just focous on the kids,there lives what i can do for them make life a little bettrer then it was for me growing up,I wonder how i made it through my life,just nasty situations after another.seems sereal to how my life is now,husband has a good job kids like school,I am starting to like my self,Q.J.said in 8 years we have been together I have never heard you say that.wow i thought when my son was little that I had felt like i missed his childhood,I was working ,it was just how I felt but I had my 2 son and felt the same way when he was 4 and I had spent almost everyday with him.My memories block always dont think about that in a small little noise in the back of your head. I feel like just running away,to not be sick or keep my dignity.
  2. talk about scared

    Someone said brave today,ha if they only new how small i feel inside,I told my husband once he felt really bad for me,I try to just focous on the kids,there lives what i can do for them make life a little bettrer then it was for me growing up,I wonder how i made it through my life,just nasty situations after another.seems sereal to how my life is now,husband has a good job kids like school,I am starting to like my self,Q.J.said in 8 years we have been together I have never heard you say that.wow i thought when my son was little that I had felt like i missed his childhood,I was working ,it was just how I felt but I had my 2 son and felt the same way when he was 4 and I had spent almost everyday with him.My memories block always dont think about that in a small little noise in the back of your head. I feel like just running away,to not be sick or keep my dignity.
  3. dear lady,I myself have always wanted to be" normal" And before i realized it was trauma causing my sicknesss I had turned to my husband and said "I know I am a devoted wife very loyal commited ,a wonderful mother to my boys,but inside i felt like a fraud like it wasn't true,It may take some time and alot of changing of thoughts to belive you are a good person.maybe the control you feel is lacking because of the trauma you might be returning to your past daily,same feelings same people,very hard thing to do ,I am terrifed of facing mine,how strong are you to do it daily,keep your head up hope this helped Kaddy
  4. a sad sad day,

    today i am waiting for the answer to weather or not there will be a trial or charges laid.I feel like i am waiting for answers to alot of things,I realized the only one to give me the answers is (him) I am never going to know for sure weather this was perverted boyfriend or dirty old man.perverted boyfriend is esaier to live with .My husband said maybe a bit of both.I just want to start my life,there was a few months inbetween making the statement to the police and more questions,It's one thing for me to say such terrible things it is another for the police to say it back to me.My first reaction was to hit him,crazy right,i had to control myself,it just felt like he pulled up a chair and was watching everything,crazy.I am 35 now big difference then 17,if i can barrly handle this now with a loving husband good friends,how was i to handle this alone and scared no family and only one friend who was younger then me.After last saturday i question my own memory,they ask me to count how many times my head started spining .I would try to count but get lost in the memories,the highest i could count was 7 the cop said can we say 10 i agreed but now i feel as though thats a lie.it feels like it should be more but i cant remember.I thought i remembered everything and now i am not sure,what if he really thought it was boyfriend girlfriend,and it was my own thinking,how can i put a man in jail,if it was my own fault,i am in control of your own thoughts,It was me who never said anything for years,it was me who vomited everyday for years,it was me who made triggers,one i only found this week,laundry red died jeans,i put them on after the worst of it,the panic over laundry it was one the first things i told my husband "i cant do laundry very well i dont know why everything else i can do everything in order"now i know but if i keep the laundry done somehow i am controling what has happened,crazy,i see a counselor on the 29 maybe they can answer whats going on in my head.
  5. hi daisy,my name is kaddy,I have the same problem,I say i am not going to cry anymore but it happens again and again over stupid things,but i dont think they will stop,just dont mistake healing (crying)for weakness we are just trying to get better.I was sick everyday for over15 years,I will take the tears rather then bieng sick.hang in there it has got to get better.God bless you today in a very special way Kaddy