Sometimes in life, we think the choices we make create freedom and ability to make our own choices...Money, power, freedom.
Sometimes we don't realize that the choices we are making are a trap, a glided cage that seems beautiful, glamorous at first...
I am a slave. I am not free, I've never liberated myself, though I've always thought of myself as an independent woman. I let the opinions, behaviors, developments, ideals, emotions of others enslave me. Now stuck in my trap, having to choose between chewing off my own limb, liberating myself, or wait to die slowly.
I feel helpless, hopeless...My choices are slim, and I don't want the outcome of either.
I went to a life of prostitution because I thought it would give me everything I needed in life, but it only served to trap me within the realm of what my abusive family brought me to believe was what I deserved. I deserved to be a slave to everyone else in my life forever. I did not matter, my wants did not matter, my needs were secondary. Everyone has a motive, everyone wants me for some purpose other than to mutually love and care for each other. Why would I ever think it would be any different?
Like a lab rat, I ran through the mazes that were the minds of my abusers, trying to find the magical, elusive cheese that would free not only me, but also the people I came to love so very much from the horrible nightmare that was my reality. Selling myself not only to the men who wanted to use my body for sexual needs, but my whole being to my family, my friends, my partners for their needs.
I became so unhealthy in all this confusion, that I no longer understood why I was living in so much pain...I was depressed, hurting, lost, going in circles that would never change. I couldn't understand why.
I understand now. I understand that the people who were supposed to be my family are hurt like me...Except they do not want to break their circle...It's worked well enough for them so far, so why change? The effects have fallen on me to bear, not them. They take no responsibility. I'm the sacrificial lamb for everyone...My life has served no meaning to any of them except to feed off of and dump onto. They don't care if I succeed in any endeavors, and when I don't, it serves as fuel to condemn me and further pump their egos. They get to say they were right, they're so disappointed, but they knew I would fall off the wagon eventually.
I'm tired of being a slave, selling my body to men because I'm so poor that I cannot survive unless I do. Selling myself because I never learned any other way, and now I'm stuck in this trap until I have enough time and stability to learn something else. I'm tired of being a slave to my family, trying in vain to love them all and they return it with selfish projections of what they can put on or take from me. Slave to what they all want for me, when they don't know or truly care for me in an honest fashion. Unless I do it the way they want it, they won't help, they won't have anything to do with me...So many rules. This is why I made to choice to sell myself...at least that is less painful than being treated like this.
I want to escape, have some sanity and stability. Somewhere I'm not afraid to come home to, whatever the hour, whatever the way. No more names, threats, painful phrases, painful treatment...Having to swallow my hurt just to walk into a room...
So what do I do? I can continue to sell myself and leave my family behind, but what price do I pay inside if I go back on a promise I made to myself? What price will I pay later in life when I have to face that I pimped myself out again when it was the last thing I wanted to do?
My alternative is to live in a home where I'm emotionally abused, and the abuser is someone I love who isn't able to adjust that behavior at this point...live here until I've saved enough to leave, which means months or years of further abuse...To be abused or to abuse oneself. What is the answer?
I feel like I'm dieing from the inside either way. How do you keep yourself sane? How do you keep yourself pure? How do you keep yourself from hating what you've let others do to you?
I should have saved myself when I was young...I should have left home sooner...I should have called the police the night I was molested, the night my mother beat me and then threw me down the stairs...I should have called the police the first time I was raped...I should have finished school instead of seeking love in the arms of a bad man...I should have had better parents...I should have had a loving family who wanted me...I should have saved my money...I should have never trusted any of my family...I should have had a different life than this...I deserved better.
I wish I could go back and save this girl I was, from everything. She was so beautiful and special, so innocent, so deserving of love, but no one ever gave it to her or thought to help her...besides me...She never thought to ask anyone, because she thought she could be okay alone. Trying to be her own mother, father, sister, lover, savior. She wasn't strong enough, no child is strong enough.
Now I feel like an empty husk of that person. I see why I've hurt so much...I'm finally starting to understand how criminal all these people have been, all sly predators preying on the innocent, and how much I wish I was there in spirit the way I am now to save myself from all of it.
I can make my future from now on brighter, happier, better than what others have tried to enslave me into. Just like those who've run away and are still running from oppression, I can plan an escape.
And once I escape I will never let anyone, including myself, make me a slave again. I will be a free woman, for the rest of what is my new life.