dangeroustears

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  • Content count

    35
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About dangeroustears

  • Rank
    Ally
  • Birthday 05/09/1995

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Music, drawing, and doing puzzles.
  1. Breakthrough maybe?

    Okay, it's been a while since I've been on here, mainly because in my head I keep telling myself that everything's okay, when it's not. I went to a girls conference a week ago, and God was really speaking to me in the subject of sexual abuse. There were these two children, around 13 and 8 who were adopted by this amazing lady, and they told their story of how they ended up being orphans and eventually getting adopted by their new mom. Both were horrifically abused, sexually, physically, and mentally, but they didn't show it. They were truly changed by God and had a beauty that could only come from Him. So that worked in my heart as I kept remembering my abuse, and the older one and the mom were talking about something that I could really relate to. The mom was reading a letter that she had wrote, but God had told her the words to say. In the letter from her Father, it mentions the fact that He could give her back her virginity, something that she had never told anyone that that was her deepest desire. That hit me hard as secretly, I have that same desire. I then decided to talk to my youth leader's wife who went with us, but we didn't have the chance to talk. The past two weeks prior, we had been trying to get together so we could talk anyways. So this week while I was away, I wrote a letter to her telling her everything. This morning I went ahead and gave it to her, knowing that doing that was going to change everything. We got to talk tonight during youth group, and she had had my grandma who takes me to church, and I'm pretty close to her, read the letter because she knew I was hurting so bad but she couldn't really do anything since she isn't family. The letter not only says that I was sexually abused, but also that I started cutting again, I found out that my father does hard drugs, and that I've been struggling with my relationship with God. I don't really remember if I put anything else in there, but those were the biggies. So while we were all talking, the main thing that kept coming up was the fact that since I'm 18, it's up to me to say when I'm ready to leave for good. Though my grandma did tell me that I can stay there so I can still go to church where I am, and receive support from them emotionally and physically. D, my youth leader's wife, did tell me that a couple of the girls in the youth group, who are also my friends, were worried about me going to college, and praying that I stay safe. The thing that they are really worried about is the fact that I do attach myself to people who say they love me so that I feel loved as I haven't ever experienced anyone really loving me. They don't want me to do that with a guy who says he loves me, but then tries to hurt me, as that has sorta happened before. That really kinda shocked me as I never realized that I do that before tonight, and I'm glad that she told me. Anyways, I've been really thinking about what my grandma and D told me, and I'm thinking I'm ready. I don't want to wait any longer to leave, but I'm gonna do it gradually. I've been going to my mom's house during the week, so I may just go to my grandma's over the weekend, go back to moms, and then be back at my dad's the following weekend. Not coming back to his house as often, and taking my stuff with me as I go. I'm tired of the abuse and drugs, and I want to change and finally be happy. Love, Ally
  2. Youtube video

    Wow, it's been a while since I've been on here... Anyways, I was just going through different inspirational videos on Youtube, and I stumbled across that was about the different lessons we can learn from pencils. Being the curious George i am, I clicked on it, and watched. The background music sucked, but the message of the whole video was amazing. Here is the five main points that were mentioned during the video. 1. "You will be able to do great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in someone's hand... Every human being is having equal potential. You can do wonders if you allow yourself to be held in GOD'S hand, have Faith in Him and have trust on your abilities." 2. "You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but this is required if you want to become a better pencil... You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems and challenges, but you must overcome it and become a strong person" 3. "Only you have the abilities to correct your mistakes... Don't shy away from making mistakes, but remember, only you have the abilities to correct your mistakes" 4. "The most important part of a pencil is what lies inside it... The most important thing in life is what lies inside you-- Your strength, attitude, skills, behavior, reactions, and decision-making-abilities which helps you achieve SUCCESS." 5. "No matter what the condition is, you must continue to write and leave a clear, legible mark -- No matter how difficult the situation...Show MUST GO ON, irrespective of sets of successes or failures, challenges or achievements--We must not STOP" These lessons are a good reminder, and I know I won't be looking at a pencil the same way ever again.
  3. News story

    So today during school, my class was in the computer lab working. One of my classmates was looking up some news articles online and found one about a man setting his step-daughter on fire. This sparked my interest because I want to help kids in that situation and I wanted to learn more. So I went ahead and looked up the story at home, and I was shocked. Not only did he set her on fire, he also had been raping her for over a year, she's only 10. This affected me a lot for a couple of different reasons. One, I was 10 when my abuse happened. Two, he didn't go as far as setting me on fire, but he did hold me under the water. Also like to play with fire, using me. Three, since I went to talk to the detectives, I've been remembering more and more about what he did. Four, I was in the same area as the step-father was, and I gotta go back to that town over the summer. So all in all, this hasn't been the greatest day. But this just reminds me why I want to go into social work, or something like that.
  4. Police report

    So here recently, my dad and my t have been trying to get me to tell them who abused me, but I've forgotten his name. I could remember him, just not his name. So whenever I told them that, my dad then told me that he knew about part of the abuse, and never did anything about it. That hurt a lot. Now I have a name to despise, and my dad thought that by me telling him his name that that meant that it was okay to file a report. Uhh, that's not okay without my direct approval. Yes, I'm still a minor, but at 16, almost 17, he should have talked to me about it to see if I was mentally ready. So we went to see some detectives this past week, and I nearly had a meltdown. All the questions, i know they're not really supposed to infer that something happened, but still, there were some questions that took some time to answer because I had never said anything out loud really. I feel a little relieved that something is going to be done, but yet the flashbacks have gotten worse and sleep is evading me (I've only gotten 9 hours of sleep since Friday, and it's now late sunday night). I have no clue what's going to happen next with the police thing, I'm just hoping that I don't have to go to trial or anything like that. I want him to pay for what he did, but I also want to make sure that I'm safe first. I'm supposed to talk to my good friend from church about what's going on, but haven't found the strength to do it yet. So far, I've been 58 days si free!!!, and it's gotten so much better cause I don't think about it on a daily basis anymore, just every now and again.
  5. Barely hanging on

    Nothing is right anymore. My T has brought up the subject of maybe pressing charges, and I can't go through that, I just can't. I want to just disappear now and all this pain and hurt be gone, just completely gone. I've been going so strong these past couple of months, yet now, I've just gotten so bad. Nothing bad has happened today, all these painful memories and urges have came up. Ever since this morning when part of my fingernail ripped off due to a run in with a razor, not intended, I've wanted to si so badly, but I can't. I promised not only myself, but my good friend whom I really want to talk to, but can't, that I wouldn't go back to cutting. I've been 44 days free, the longest I've been since I restarted over the summer. Now I just want to throw it all away, and I want to so bad. The one person I can talk to, i feel like I can't right now. She knows about how much I've struggled, and I almost went up to talk to her today, but I didn't want to interrupt her. Even when I do get the chance to talk, I just put a fake smile on my face, and say everything is fine and dandy. What I really want to tell you is how I cry every night before I go to sleep because of the pain of trying to keep things inside. How whenever I tell you I'm doing alright, always ask if I'm really alright because most of the time, I'm not. How can I tell you that my faith is gone? I don't want to disappoint you at all, but how could a God who's supposed to love me let all these things happen, and not be there for me. How could things have gotten this bad??
  6. Can't go on much longer.

    Life has just gotten too much to handle right now. Every single night is filled with nightmares and flashbacks, and it's wearing me down to the point where I just want to die. I feel like I can't talk to my good friend who's helping me through my si and depression. I couldn't even tell her about what they did. I only told her that I had been hurt badly in the past. I just don't want to put a bigger burden on her. She already knows about my si, and I know she worries about me already, but she has a family to take care of. I don't want to take anything away from that. I don't know what I want anymore. I guess I'm not making much sense right now, I've been writing this over a couple of days. No one can touch me right now unless I absolutely trust them, which happened today. Some guys came over to put their arm around me and I told them no, and spun out of their reach, they continued, but I let one of my other friends hug me. Then she trapped me and told the other guys to come over and hug me, and I was freaking out. Since then I've been even more jumpy and afraid. They like to joke about r***, so I don't like them at all. School right now is pretty much gone down the toilet. I wonder if people have noticed that my grades have dropped significantly, or if they don't realize that something isn't right. The only thing that I'm excelling in right now is art, and I believe my teacher has noticed something is up. The reason is because whenever I throw on the wheel, like for pottery, she never makes me take off my jacket, or roll up my sleeves. I'm not sure if she's noticed the scars, or what, but it's just something that has been nagging at the back of my mind. So I'm pretty sure I'm now addicted to the internet. I'm never off it, but right now, it's the only person I can confide with, which is very ironic because I'm really telling the whole world, but no one can figure out automatically that it's me behind this screen. Yes, they can do some digging, but you just can't look at my post and know who I am. I've isolated myself from all my family and all but a hand full of friends. The one person who I can't get off my mind, and I really want to just talk to her, is gone now. Oh, if only she would have known that she wasn't alone in her line of thinking. As crazy as this may sound, I wish she would have told me, so I could have gone with her to our Father. There are some days that I don't see the point of going on with life. Right now, I'm wondering how many sleeping pills it would take to take me to my Father and Hannah.
  7. Epic disaster

    Gah, why did I have to get myself into this mess. All I wanted was a way out of the pain I was in, but I didn't realize that that way would put me in even more pain later down the road. My dad's live in girlfriend saw my scars after I got out of the shower last night, and now she checks me for new ones each morning. Then this afternoon, she told me that I would have to tell my dad. For me, this is a major difficulty because she said that my dad would send me away. Plus he is very controlling over every little thing I do. I don't know what I expected whenever I told my parents, but I hate this response. I can't tell them about what happened to me, it's just too much.
  8. I've failed

    I feel like I've failed at life. My dad is yelling at me more and more, everyone is telling me to not get help, and I just can't deal with it anymore. It drives me crazy when people message me and tell me that I'm lying about my dad, and that he doesn't need help. I could even see it in my friend's eyes when I told them that my dad puts my life in danger, the look of disbelief. Yes, I have lied in the past, but why can't people see the truth? There have always been signs that I'm being hurt, but everyone ignores them. There is one friend who does see that I'm hurt, but she only sees that I don't eat very often. Yesterday she bought me a mini pizza at school, and told me that I am going to eat it, and sat there and made sure I ate it all. It seems like she's the only one who halfway cares enough about me right now to do that. I hate looking in the mirror now. All I see is someone who is too fat, so I don't eat. I also see the scars and they remind me that my life is a worthless piece of shit. I remember just 3 months ago, promising my good friend that I would ask her for help whenever I needed it. Not once have I asked her for help, even though I feel like I can't go on anymore. I am getting more and more risky with my SI, and I'm scared that soon, I won't be around to ask for help. It's like I'm building up courage to finally make me go away, but at the same time, it's a cry for help because I just can't seem to stop. Unfortunately, it's a cry that is going unheard. I want some help, but I don't want to break everyone's hearts. I don't know what to do anymore.
  9. Issues

    So, I had posted on Facebook something about my dad being drunk and driving me home. Well, someone told our school counselor about it, not that that is a bad thing, and now she told me that she went digging through my past, but couldn't talk to me about it because I was running late to class. I thought that she would call me in and talk to me today, but she didn't. I don't know if she knows about me being raped, or if she's noticed that I don't eat at school, or if she's noticed the cuts/scars on my arm. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know about the rape, since I never told anyone except for three people, all whom I trust. Just the fact that there is a possibility that she may know something is driving me nuts. I don't know what I would do if people found out that I was raped, or that I hurt myself. Just thinking about more people finding out is giving me panic attacks and anxiety. I haven't been able to focus on my school work all this week because of the worrying, and I can't not go to school because that would mean I would have to face the wrath of my dad. Not even my boyfriend can calm me down right now, he's the only person who can usually bring me out of a panic attack or a meltdown. I don't know what to do right now, I don't want to lose my dad, and that is a strong possibility right now, but at the same time, I want to get away and be safe. I'm honestly scared out of my mind that I will have to leave the town that I grew up in, and leave everything that gives me hope. Help please!
  10. Family shit; will contain cussing

    So I've always known that my family was fucked up, but now I'm expected to lie and say everything is alright. It was them that did this to me, put me in all this pain. Now whenever I want help, I'm told to shut my mouth and not look out for my own safety. Last night was the last straw. My dad decided to drive home drunk, and so I posted something on Facebook about it, and someone told our guidance counselor, which isn't a big deal. Well, now my mom is trying to get me to shut up so my family won't get into trouble. Can't she fucking see that I want to get help, and stop putting my life at risk, I want to live my life now. It's like they don't even care about me anymore, and don't consider my safety. I know I sound selfish, but I know that people care about me, and don't want to see me get hurt. ugh, I can't even talk to my mom right now, just because of a Facebook status. Why must my family not like me anymore, except for my awesome cousin who wished she could drive me home last night, but had no gas money.
  11. I just don't know

    Sometimes I feel like there's no one like me and I'm all alone. I feel like no one will listen to my cries. All I want is to get help, but I just can't talk. The words are stuck inside me, only coming out when no one is there to hear them. Even if I go to ask someone for help, I'm afraid that they'll ignore me, or not take me seriously. Both have happened in the past, and now I barely trust anyone. Heck, I don't even trust myself anymore. I just want out. Out of this constant fear of talking, and out of this misery (not the out where I leave forever). I think this is the first step, but it seems like its not enough. Thanks if you are reading this, and thanks for putting up with me. This was really random for me, and I was just saying what's on my mind.