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About JacquiLeigh

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    A new outlook on life.
  • Birthday 05/29/1989

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    Drawing in all mediums, reading, writing, singing, and my favorite... Painting!
  1. I don't know what you're experiences with DID are, but I can say mine haven't been pleasant when the topic of T comes up. I have the same kind of apprehension and anxiety about T too. I'm starting a new T next week, and I have no idea how I'm going to handle that. I hope things start heading in the right direction, and be patient with yourself. Sending safe hugs if ok.
  2. I don't know why people do that Luelle. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did.
  3. Thank you bellachai Goofy17, DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).
  4. Back from the Care Center

    I feel like I've been away from Pandy's so much longer than I have. So much has changed! Through a combination of my own insisting and a safety plan with my Advocate I voluntarily admitted myself to the Psychiatric Care Center at the hospital. I felt so out of control with everything that was going on. I couldn't think properly, and I was so depressed. I was very pleasantly surprised as how well things went while I was there. They're big on self-awareness and being gentle with everyone's individual circumstances. I didn't even realize how much in crisis I was when I went until the next day. Now looking back I feel like I was in a constant state of crisis for the previous few weeks. I finally got to see a psychiatrist, got some much needed meds, and talked to a proper counselor. More importantly, I got a diagnosis. I feel like that's such an important part, because everything makes so much sense now. I can look at something I do and understand why, instead of feeling crazy or wondering what the heck was going on with me. I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD and DID. I wasn't in shock when I heard that, more like in huge relief. I think it just fit so well, and the counselor provided me with so much information, the more I read the more everything made sense. I'm so grateful for everything they did for me there. So, I'm back home now. The transition from the hospital to home has been difficult. It's not a controlled environment, and I struggle with daily triggers still. I feel like I'm more well prepared now to handle things, though. I think I've settled into a little bit of a routine, but things aren't where I'd like them. There's so much more now to deal with than before. The diagnosis made me less able to minimize the severity of what happened to me as a child. That's something I need to aknowledge. I'm just so happy I went and got some much needed help! Before I was so discouraged from no one wanting to help, but now I have the help I need and feel optomistic.
  5. Tarac, I can't even express the pain I feel for you right now. What he did to you was unspeakable. I'm so sorry that he instilled such fear into you that you couldn't seek help. It's terrible that you had to endure that, and alone. I hope you can find strength to seek help for his stalking you. You deserve to be free of his hold on you. You're already so strong for writing out your pain here. PM me if you need someone to talk to. Sending safe hugs if that's ok. Jacqui
  6. I HATE YOU .... *t language*

    I HATE YOU! Why? Why ME? What the fuck did I DO?! I was a child. You take the hurt. You deal with this! It's not MINE it's YOURS!
  7. Thank you bellachai, so much. I appreciate it more than you know.
  8. I needed to get it out. I'm sorry you can relate.
  9. I'm here for you.
  10. The Belt... *t*

    The first time I remember I was 4. These are the rules. Pull your pants down. Bend over the bed. Keep your arms in front of you. Get beaten with the leather belt. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! Daddy I didn't mean to I'm sorry!! NO! No daddy, no please, I didn't mean to! Please daddy! NO! This hurts me more than it hurts you. Now, I love you and that's why I have to do this. I didn't make you do that. Now you're making me do this. I don't want to do this. The whips come. Pain sears through like fire on skin. Screaming. Lots of screaming. You try to get away. Moving around and trying to get away make it worse. So much worse. He doesn't stop when you move. There's a number he has to get to. The number that hit your bottom. That doesn't count legs. Or back. Or hands. Or arms. It's not his fault you were moving around so much. It's not his fault you made him do that. One whip for each year of age. When it's done you're all red. It all burns and stings. He says he loves you. Wants to hug you. You say you're sorry. Again.
  11. Hiding

    SHHH… Be quiet. Don't make a single sound. Control your breathing so they can't hear that either. Become part of the furniture. Be a shadow. Cover your body. Hide perfectly, I know you can. Become part of the ditch. Avoid headlights. Hide in the trees. Silent steps, be a ghost. Heartbeat thudding… quiet that too. They're going to hear your heartbeat! Control your breathing. They know you're here. They can smell you. Feel you. Sense your fear. Don't move a muscle. Resist the urge to clear your throat or swallow. Stay out of the light. They'll eventually leave. You hate being alone. But being alone means safety. Don't question it. Compromise… compensate for the loneliness. Become part of the wall. You see the hands searching. Don't let them touch you. Shield yourself with things. Let them grab everything else. There's so much under that bed. Give them a toy. Or two. They'll eventually give up. Go outside searching for you. Let them panic. Let them wonder. They don't actually care. That's why you need to hide. They're searching for YOU. To find YOU. So they can what? Hurt YOU. A child. That's all you are. Children hide, playing games. Children are innocent. They don't think like adults do. Usually. They aren't supposed to. They shouldn't have to. But they gave you no choice. You were seven. At night you dreamt of leaving. And day? Hide or avoid at all costs. You didn't know. All those things they did. You hid it from us. When it wasn't happening you didn't know. Neither did I. But I know now. And I can help you. I know you want to hide. But I'm here now. And I'm stronger. Stronger than THEM. By a lot. So you're safe now. You don't have to hide from me. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to ignore you. We know now. It's starting to make sense. Dad was evil. But mom was worse. Brother didn't know either. But you have me now. You don't need them anymore. You have me.
  12. Thanks for the hugs
  13. Is it ok to be this numb?

    So, I'm really struggling right now with how I "should" feel. I use that term very loosly, I know there's no particular way I should feel other than my own way. But still, I feel like I'm leaving parts of me behind. Like I'm leaving myself in the dust. I feel very good about the fact that I have been able to actively work through memories and issues as they've come up. All the while, struggling against "the system" that refuses to help people who really need it. All things considered, I think I've been doing pretty good. But it's times like these when I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I can work through things for a month or so, then all of a sudden it's all gone. Every time, I just wake up one morning feeling nothing. No pain, no sadness or depression, just nothingness. And then the anger. It's like I subconsciously suppress everything except radom acts of fury. During these times I get so angry over nothing, literally sometimes. The last time I was stuck in this numb phase it took me about a month and a half to snap out of it. It's been three weeks between then and now. I want to feel happiness, I want to have the energy to function, I want to feel the pain so I can overcome it. I want to feel ALIVE. So, it's been a week now, and I feel like I'm becoming stuck. I don't want this to be a pattern I have to expect. I deserve to be in control of my life for once. I deserve to heal. Why won't my own brain let me?? If anyone reads this, I don't think I'm expecting much. I'm not asking you for advice, because I don't expect you to understand. I just want to FEEL again. Is that too much to ask?
  14. My worst betrayal I think was my mom. I had three perps, all members of the family. My dad, my uncle, and my maternal grandfather. She knew. And she did nothing. For fourteen years of my life she knew what they were doing to me. Especially my dad, there's no denying she knew things were happening there. When I started remembering she was able to describe to me certain events in great detail to me. Not only did she know what was going on and let it continue, but she kept it to herself until this past year. It took her 22 years to tell someone, and that person was me. In ways, I think that hurts more than the damage from extensive CSA.
  15. I can relate with the lactose intolerance. Your tummy gets all messed up, in every possible way. Yuck! Usually for me, it means laying on the couch for a day. Sorry you have that too.