Clemsta

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About Clemsta

  • Birthday 12/21/1991

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. so things went crazy over the last two weeks so my BF (now my ex) upped and left me AGAIN, broke my heart into tiny tiny pieces. i ended up in hospital, my mum can up to check on me. I failed my placement so i have to stop my studies. and I've just found out I'm pregnant... which is wonderful, scary, worrying, exciting and every emotion i can think of. the ex said he'll support me, and that's great but its not what i wanted i wanted the fairy tail. the BF the family... to be a unit. he wants to win me back but i cant trust him. he's walked out on me so many times before... and i just cant do it again or have my heart broken like that so I've decided to move back home, and the ex said he understands and will support me. cant help but think its all bullshit and all just words... its all so much to take in... i need to think about me and the baby now. and my health and my mental health
  2. Well... its all kicked of this week, and i don't know what to do. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Things had started to feel like they were settling down. Life was back on track... or so i thought. I'm failing my Uni course, my landlord is suddenly telling me i have to get rid of my kitten and my hedgehog. so I've been trying to think about where i can re-home them till my tenancy runs out. I come home on Wednesday to find my boyfriend packed and telling me its not working. Even though last time he broke up with me he begged me to take him back, and we said on new years eve that this year would be different and be perfect. I was so torn up i decided to self harm something i have not done in so long. They were meant to be superficial, just to hurt a little and make me feel a sense of release. BUT... I slipped, took a load of skin off and cut down to the muscle. SO MUCH BLOOD. A whole pint. I had to go to hospital, and ended up with stitches. My mum came up to visit me, and i took Thursday off to talk to mum and try and make a sense of what to do. I got my shit together, and decided to go into placement on Friday, just to fuck up royally, and be told I should have just stayed at home. I then was sat trying to plan lessons for next week, whilst feeling cramps. Realized I've been cramping for a week, and i'm a week late. on the way home i get a test, get home, do the test... two lines. Did the other test, two lines... Yep. I am pregnant. WTF am i meant to do now... he walked out on me two days ago. I can't rely on him, he always runs when things start to get serious or a bit rough. How could i rely on him to support me? Am i ready for this? i always wanted to be a mum, but am i ready? i always thought i would be, ive been so broody recently. and now all i can think about is how rubbish i am and how i would just mess this up. Im so lost Im so confused I miss Komal, i thought he was my forever. Im worried about failing Im worried about everything. Help me... help me someone.
  3. it's disgusting and baffling... and very very sad hope you're okay
  4. stay strong, i cant even write or say out loud what happened to me and my brother and what we were made to do. The fact we are still standing, holding our heads up high is a win in itself. I hope one day Im as lucky as you to have wonderful children to bring up.
  5. Can't stop asking "why?"

    Why? Why would and how can anyone look at a innocent child and think horrid thoughts... and then why would they act on them? Damaging and scaring that innocence, smearing with darkness. Why? When i see a child i want to protect them from all impure thoughts. It sickens me to my core, all the stories of abuse on TV, in the papers. Then the big question, as a woman, I have maternal instincts wired into my body, i see a child cry i want to comfort them... then why oh why would a woman sexually abuse a child. WHY did she touch me, i was 6/7 years of age... the nameless girl, repressed and forgotten for so many years. I almost have accepted being groomed by HIM from the ages of 13-16/17. But her... why? Can't help but wonder "WTF happened in her childhood for her to act that way towards me and my brother." But... its no excuse. Being abused does not excuse for them abusing others. My horrific experiences just makes me want help children, protect them from the world. Not damage them. I look at them and can't help but feel sad about the innocence i had, and wonder why it was taken from me... but its nice to see children having that innocence and not being scared or damaged by those disgusting monsters who hurt children. But why do these people exist? They serve no purpose and should be locked up and the key thrown away.
  6. struggle

    Life... trucking along Getting my exams done getting in the right direction so i can actually go somewhere in my life, can't sit around doing sod all with my life with my head being cruel and getting me down. everyday is a struggle, but the uphill struggle is bearable at the moment just a matter of time before i fall backwards but for now... i shall struggle forwards. and keep struggling cause its better to struggle than to drown
  7. happy bday to Melody
  8. fight this?

    satisfying i know it makes me feel better i know i like how it feels after the wave of calm along with the stinging and blood the sense of everything being back in the right places control, back in control but then i get the looks and the questions... is it worth it? penetrating the skin... going against to norms and values of this society they question your sanity... I've never had any anyway... they've labelled me this that and whatever.... so they expect me to behave in certain ways because clearly i cannot function in society because at the end of the day i'm nothing more than just some fucked up girl with a shitty history of abuse and depression... No, I'll do what i always do, pretend I'm fine. Smile at the right times, laugh and fit in. Then when alone let the darkness swallow me. Give in to urges. Remember all the times life failed me. Its so much easier to be depressed than fight the darkness. Its so much easier to let it win and monopolize my feelings and my day. ergh.
  9. ergh, i know in a sense how you're feeling, they abuse you and treat you horrifically but you still love them and make excuses for what they did. And they make you doubt yourself and leave you wondering if it was you who did something wrong or if what they did was wrong. what he did WAS wrong, and you didn't deserve any of that. just know you're not alone. if you need a chat PM me. its a chiche but, time is a great healer and in time you'll come to terms with what happened and will be stronger for it and never let anyone hurt you again. they fact you were brave enough to stand up to him tells me you're strong. Keep your head up *hugs*
  10. RANT TIME

    This is exactly what I didn't want I didn't want to feel pressure or guilt. I don't want to talk about it. so stop making me feel like i should! I honestly right now can't be dealing with all this. I'm fed up of him using the abuse against us all. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE. I've had more shit than you, i wasn't just abused by her, but i was raped and Ive been groomed for 5 years. You don't see me stealing off mum and dad, attacking people, taking drugs and going insane. I sound like I'm being harsh and uncaring, but you have no idea what he's putting the family through. My mums ill and he treats mum like a fucking door matt, steps all over her and is nasty. 2 years he's been like this, and when mum confronts him he uses the abuse to excuse the fact he's a nasty lil shit, so mum feels bad, when she shouldn't. He's acting like a brat, demanding money, demanding and taking and sucking the life out of mum and dad. I wanted to come home and have a nice time with my mum and dad and within 2 hours of me being home, he lied, got stoned and was being a dick. I sound so selfish and mean right now but after 2 years of the same old shit everyday, i'm loosing my patience and sympathy. I have myself to think of, I cant let my past compromise my future in this world. Ive worked to hard to stay alive and not drown.
  11. So me me and K are working things out... we broke up for a month, needed some space. Get our heads sorted. Things aren't exactly the same but maybe it'll take some time... I don't want to to start therapy again... new or old therapist. I like pretending nothings happened to me. I like not having to talk about things, or bring up the past. I hate the night terrors, the flashbacks and ignoring the past, actually is doing me some good. I'm sleeping better, less horrific dreams. It won't last forever as I'm going home next week. shit always gets dragged up while I'm back. makes me cry. and all the shit happened back home... just being back home is stressful... but i miss my parents dreadfully and B Guess what B doesn't seem to understand is, I wasn't just abused by HER but also raped, had an abusive bf and was groomed for years and years, by a man who got me to rely on him so much that i still have problems not thinking in certain ways... I know B is hurting but I've been fucked around with more than once...so just don't want to be thinking about any of it. Just want to try and get on with life, i don't to be sat around being all miserable and dwelling on the past. I've done that all before...got so low that i didn't care what happened to me. so low i was cutting into my skin basically every day. crying all the time, not going into Uni, arguing with the love of my life all the time. just spiraling down, till I took an over dose... never again... still battling self harm. but its lesser and lesser over time... I've got so much going for me now... nearly finished third year, got a place to do a post graduate (i just need to get my degree completed). me and the bf (K) are working things out... slowly but surely... which is way it should be. need my own space. i have great amazing parents... but my depression still gets me...its not something you can control luckily my mood stabilizers keep me from flipping out and getting all crazy. but mental illness isn't something that can be switched off... which is a shame. just hoping going home won't trigger to much... just loving the peace and quiet of pretending all is good and not having to think or talk about the past.
  12. thanks same to you, if you need a chat just message me. i'm not sure what im doing either
  13. i know what you mean, but you are not alone here.
  14. I am spiraling and spiraling downwards... My bf left me last night. My past is haunting me worse than ever... Him... her... that night... that day... those events. All these flash backs I can feel it and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Thoughts getting darker and darker... Feeling more and more down... Crying and crying... Feeling more and more helpless and worthless. Why can't I get the help I need? Why do I have to struggle everyday... Why do I have to feel so depressed. Its like its got hold of me and I can't shake it off. It holding with big claws, dug in deep, so deep. Its dragging me further down into a complete pitch black darkness and i'm trying to come up for air just for a quick breath. But I can't, I'm struggling. And it's not going to be long till I drown.
  15. its hard because now shes being all weird and Fraudian and all that bullshit! ive been in and out of counselling for 9 bloody years. oh and to top it off, i called a lady today to try and get some emdr and she basically shut me down and wasnt helpful. i sware they just dont care, i even took an overdose last year and they did fuck all after to support me, just chucked a tonne off pills at me and left me to swim alone! my country sucks. they ignore those who really need help... so fustrated right now and its just getting me down and down and im crying all the time. RAAAAA okay rant over... for now lol thanks guys, hope you are okay xx