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About BethAnnie

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  1. I just keep on messing things up.

    I wonder sometimes if I will ever get to a point in my life where I will be the "normal" that other people are. Like will I ever have sex and not somehow get what I call "that baby feeling." Even as a young child I knew something was different about me but I don't remember anything ever happening. I think that if I could remember then I would know why I became a victim later in life, and to someone who I should have been able to trust. Maybe nothing happened when I was a kid, but he got me anyway. To know that he is spending life in prison for the same thing to someone else does not help me. Rather, I think that if it had been a crime when it happened to me, and if I had had the courage to speak up and say MY HUSBAND IS RAPING ME that maybe that person would have been safe. I didn't say a word--hid it from everyone. Did not leave my front porch. Did not call my mother. Did not fight back after the baby died inside me. What was the point? It wasn't until my son was born that I stood up for myself. And why was it so easy to get away then? Did I really finally start to scare HIM, or had he just moved on to someone else already and didn't need me anymore?
  2. When I was little...

    I used to lie in bed with my head on my little orange pillow and listen to the sound of the bad men on horses getting closer and closer. I was so frightened that they were coming for me to hurt me--I was only three years old and the more frightened I got the louder the horses became. I don't know how I ever slept--but somehow I did. I was grown before I realized that it was the sound of my own heartbeat that I was hearing. Fear can paralyze you, and make you believe things that were never true to begin with. Sometimes though, the bad men do come for you and they do hurt you.