kanata

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About kanata

  • Birthday 05/20/1975

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. I'm not here to just please you

    My brother hurt me a lot. My brother hurt me a lot. My brother hurt me a lot. My brother hurt me a lot - That is all that is going through my head these days and I'm getting angry that I just can't process it to the level my therapist wants. He says to feel all the feelings of the events but not too much. To not do a memory at night unless I complete it but then asks why I am not emailing him anymore. He wishes my brother is dead. Says he is glad he is dead and I jump to the defence of the boy who hurt me. I feel like I am failing all over the place. I feel like all I am good for is having sex with others. An ex-girlfriend came over and we started drinking. Everything was fun until we lay down to cuddle and she fell asleep. And I got triggered about being trapped in bed with my brother. Always having to please the other person first and I snapped. Told her to get out and walk home in the rain. That I am tired of her doing this to me all the time. Expecting me to hold her in my arms until she sleeps because it makes her feel loved. And I got resentful of all the times I've asked her to do that for me - or to talk to me during sex which she can't do - or to touch me a certain way because just because we have the same body parts it doesn't mean we have the same reactions - and she failed over and over again at doing it. So I kicked her out and cancelled the phone plan I gave her and told her to keep all my stuff and probably am acting irrationally but I'm tired of feeling like I'm just a body to be used for someone's pleasure. I'm tired of always defaulting to be the one who gives pleasure. I'm rambling but I'm tired of the lack of support in my life. Where the only person I have is my therapist and he doesn't even understand that I am not at a place where I can hate my brother.
  2. Anger

    I figured out what the problem is. I have been waiting for my family to WAKE UP! To respect my feelings the way I respect others. That is never going to happen. They may have raised me to always put others first and consider myself a bad person if I don't but they haven't learnt the same lesson. Screw them. It is time to put my emotions first. My needs. I've lived under this garbage for years and I won't let them destroy me any further. I won't let them get away with taking everything I love away from me because they don't think I deserve it. I do well damn deserve to get better. I'll live out of spite!
  3. That's awesome! I just found out about that project the other day and was blown away by the strength and courage of all the people involved. You deserve to be proud for voicing what was said.
  4. if o.k. You are a strong brave woman for reporting. Is there someone who could come sit with you and support you? Good luck.
  5. Thanks for your support. It means a lot. It is hard when you have been raised to never ever show weakness by asking for help to suddenly be this emotional black hole that needs support 24/7.
  6. T away

    It is just my luck to be in the middle of a crisis due to the anniversary and have my T go away for a week. He has tried his best to help me while gone by picking two of his colleagues for me to call, and letting me call his answering machine and e-mailing him. He tried to offer more help. To go to a place where they have supervision for a week. A safe place. But I can't take my dog so I decided not to go. I feel bad for e-mailing him. Bad for leaving him a message while he is gone because it grounds me. I feel so stupid about the whole thing. Feel like I am asking for too much. Being too needy. It is disgusting. I'd try to phone his colleagues but it is useless. They just know that I'm struggling with a past trauma anniversary. And I don't even know what help I want. Someone to magically make it all better. I just feel sick. Being this huge emotional vampire. I hate myself for it. Why can't I handle this myself???
  7. Take-backsies...

    A large part of me wants to erase everything I said this week to people. To rewind the days and not have told my family doctor that I had been attacked. I didn't go into details but just nodded my head when he asked. I want to take back that whole visit. I went because I was panicking and searching for any answer I could find. Hoping that maybe there was something physically wrong with me and that's why I can't breathe. If he could just figure out why I was choking then it would mean what happened wouldn't have happened. I was just making it up in my head and it was really this physical thing that I was suffering from. He was kind and I did appreciate that. Listened to me mumble "my therapist thinks it may have to do with past trauma but I think it may be physical" and didn't jump on the trauma thing. Didn't dismiss me. Checked my blood pressure, blood oxygen level, pulse, listened to my lungs and chest, and ordered some sort of test where they will make me drink something and look at my throat via x-ray. He did all that before he gently asked if this past trauma involved choking. I just quietly said "yes". He didn't push which I appreciate. He did ask me if the person who did it was in jail or charged. When I said no, he encouraged me to report it. Talked about how he has patients that it really helped and that I would be free partially when I went into that police station. Told me he would go with me. Told me to find a woman police person. Told me it didn't matter if I didn't know all their names. That one would rot in jail and tell. That they needed to be hung up by their b***s. It weirded me out that he thanked me for telling him. Told me "congratulations" for taking this step and that he was sorry he hadn't asked about such things on his own. That I didn't have to be silent anymore. I still wish I could take it all back. I'm afraid to see him for normal things now. Afraid that he'll keep pushing the police reporting when it is not something I wish to do. I just want to run up to him and say I LIED! FORGET IT ALL! I feel like I started something I can't control and I have no idea how to put the brakes on it.
  8. Thanks Susan. That's a great reassurance
  9. I've read the Blog FAQ but I'm still confused on privacy settings. If I mark it "PUBLIC" does that mean anyone on the internet can read it? If I uncheck "Allow Guests to Post" does that mean no one on Pandys can answer my blog? I'm just trying to make sure my blog is readable by pandys and not so much by the whole wide world. Thanks
  10. Maybe it will help you to know that others do the same thing. I find myself hiding in books and have for most of my life. When I'm immersed in another world I don't have to deal with what is happening in mine. It is hard to take a step out of that. You are brave for recognizing it.
  11. TW: PTSD

    I could write this in my journal but I feel like I just need to get this out of here, out of my head, out of my house. I've been choking all day and no one notices. Odd that. How I can be feeling like my veins are going to explode out my neck and that I'm sucking in air through a straw yet have "normal" conversations with people around me. I'm really doubting my survival rate here. Oh, I know that I'm not going to die but I fear going back to the person I was. Emotionally shut off. Dead to the world. Unable to feel even physical pain. So repressed except when anger would burst through and physical fights would result. I can see myself drifting back that way. I just want to shut it down inside and hide it there where it has been for twenty years. Feeling stupid for ever having the nerve to tell anyone as it has just made it worse. I was doing so well in therapy before this ever came out. Recovering from depression. Now, I don't know. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts. Wishing that my dog (who is my saviour) was gone so then I could go too. Feeling burdened by her when all I want to do is sit in the corner and cry. But then I can't do that in this house. People call emotions stupid here. Talk over me and actually walk away when I'm in mid sentence if I ever veer near the topic of any emotion. Must be nice. Must be pleasant. Must never offend, inconvience someone. Must handle all situations without emotions. To have a feeling in reaction to something is wrong. My therapist helps but after 4:30 I am alone. Public health has no access. Doubly so since my phone is broken and I can't phone any of the 1800 numbers on the family phone for fear of discovery. I tried painting these feelings but it just made it worse. I need everyone here to go away so I can use the phone, but then, heh, if I use the phone while my dog is around she tries to sit on my head. At least, she can still make me smile. I'm an awful person for thinking such things about her.
  12. My dog is my saviour.

    My dog Annie saved my life. I try to explain that to people but no one gets it. They say that I love her too much and that I can't make my dog my life. But she is. She is all I live for now. I've had her four months today. A month before I got her I was in the ICU for a suicide attempt. While in the utterly useless psych ward I had a dream. In it I was being invited in to enter death's house and I was eager to go in and have tea with the people there. A strange dog kept bumping me away from the door. Kept blocking the way and whining at me when I put my hand on the door. Pulling at my cloths to get away. Like they knew it was bad to go in. A week after I got out of the hospital I decided to look for a dog. This was going to be my one last shot at living. If I could find a dog and bond with it then maybe I could stay alive. If I couldn't I'd give the dog back and end it all. A week later I brought home Annie and something in my soul woke up. She's a rescue from America where she had been abused by past owners, been attacked as a stray on the street by strange dogs, and burnt by the pound that took her in. She was slated to die the next day. People saved her and got her well enough to travel to Canada. We share a soul I think. Sure there is the physical changes she has made in me. Losing 40lbs, walking 1-2 hours a day. But there is so much more. I'm learning to have a voice again. To speak up for my dog's welfare. Yes, I will take her to the vet when she's hurt even if no one in my family believes in health care for animals. No, you may not chase her when playing because she cowers. Small things but giving me the chance to speak where I always have remained silent. The most healing thing for me is our walks. I can get in the car and drive to a trail and push my body hard in the woods for a couple of hours a day. I can be alone among the trees and rivers and let myself feel. I can cry. I can double over in sobs, feeling like I am being choked. I can angrily stomp up a hill. Knowing that no one will hear me and unlike my family my dog won't judge me for displaying emotions. That she'll just show concern if I'm being upset and come and lick my hand before leaping in the woods and making me smile. She wakes me up from nightmares, has made me feel more at ease with another being touching me. She has saved my life. So shut up all the people I know about loving an animal too much. For her being my life. She is the only reason I continue to wake up in the morning and I would rather save her life than any of yours.