bambi86

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About bambi86

  • Rank
    Abby
  • Birthday 10/29/1986

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Writing.
  1. I've learned that I'm not invincible. I'm human, like everybody else. I've learned that alcohol means fun to some, danger to others - and that some people use it as a tool for evil deeds or, they exploit its affects. I've learned that just becasue somebody is 'nice' to you - doesn't mean they care about your wellbeing. I've learned that there a lot of people out there on this earth that don't process things that happen to them - they may be traumatic or not - some people just don't process things - by choice or default. Where and when I have a choice - I will process pain, defeat and neglect - i'll feel it and learn from it and let it go - it's not who i am. I've learned that it is good to talk about assault and connect with others - however it is imperative to not take on other peoples issues or problems - healing is a time for you - you deserve that time. not eveyone is blazee about rape or assault - some people do give a damn - some of those people who do care have been thorugh it or know someone who has been through it - ive learned how much my family love me - in a tangiable way - because God knows they put up with a LOT of sadness and anger from me. not all cops are careless - some are good, like my detective. just because they didnt find him - doesnt mean he doesnt exist. he's out there and i did my part - i reported it and his DNA is in the Aus Police System. That's all I can do. R*pe without a weapon - is still R*pe. Just because your friends can't support you - doesn't mean you can't finnd the strength to support yourself. Refuge and peace is within - not in others. not in professionals, not in Pysch's, not in Detectives, not even in your family - the only real refuge for sanity, clarity and comfort - is that which you give yourself. Once you stop beating yourself up - you can heal - once you heal - you can live
  2. Don't mind the header it's taken from that old song 'I Feel Pretty'. Well I do feel pretty - I've gained weight over the last 6 months but nonetheless I have regained a sparkle in my eyes, colour in my cheeks and just started exercising again. I realise now that, feeling good (for me) is no longer dependant on the external. When I was a teenager - to a point, it was. My image would determine the esteem I allowed myself to have. now, it is the reverse. my inner pysche is the compass. And it is much, much healthier It goes without saying that healing is a process and an all encompassing one at that. stripped bare we re-learn the steps of life and the dances of relationships -albeit with ourselves, others, intimately or within a work environment. I look forward to getting fit - for the benefits of my mind and also to feel sexy again. Feeling sexy might be a little daunting at first - but for now the idea is illustrious. i am single - I moved again in the city (safer, nicer, cleaner house) i still work for the same company and i admit i dont like my job! there are a few bullies in this company and I feel ready for something quiet, peaceful and feminine. I honestly wouldnt mind working in a library or beauticians for a bit. just something straight forward and in a relaxing environment I still stick up for myself when 'friends' push boundaries - sometimes they run back and say sorry, other times they go. either way - its me first. im proud of that Im going to New York in March - im proud of that too mostly - aside from the rape and even before that all i wanted to do is become a published author - and that is still my goal. now more than ever, i know who i am and what i want - and it feels bloody fantastic share how far you have come below! Love Abby xo
  3. Don't mind the header it's taken from that old song 'I Feel Pretty'. Well I do feel pretty - I've gained weight over the last 6 months but nonetheless I have regained a sparkle in my eyes, colour in my cheeks and just started exercising again. I realise now that, feeling good (for me) is no longer dependant on the external. When I was a teenager - to a point, it was. My image would determine the esteem I allowed myself to have. now, it is the reverse. my inner pysche is the compass. And it is much, much healthier It goes without saying that healing is a process and an all encompassing one at that. stripped bare we re-learn the steps of life and the dances of relationships -albeit with ourselves, others, intimately or within a work environment. I look forward to getting fit - for the benefits of my mind and also to feel sexy again. Feeling sexy might be a little daunting at first - but for now the idea is illustrious. i am single - I moved again in the city (safer, nicer, cleaner house) i still work for the same company and i admit i dont like my job! there are a few bullies in this company and I feel ready for something quiet, peaceful and feminine. I honestly wouldnt mind working in a library or beauticians for a bit. just something straight forward and in a relaxing environment I still stick up for myself when 'friends' push boundaries - sometimes they run back and say sorry, other times they go. either way - its me first. im proud of that Im going to New York in March - im proud of that too mostly - aside from the rape and even before that all i wanted to do is become a published author - and that is still my goal. now more than ever, i know who i am and what i want - and it feels bloody fantastic share how far you have come below! Love Abby xo
  4. absolutely Hope i just re-visited my blog now in Jan of 2012 and looking back - i feel even stronger! It takes courage! those first few steps are paramount! Thank you for your support
  5. Oh and for some reason my warped extended family keep popping up at the most in-opportune times... i see them or they are mentioned when sh*t is going down: * at work (lady knows my cousins - the ones who put my fam down and didnt invite me to wedding) * after friend gave me flowers for helping her with her statement(cousin walked up street and looked me up and down and called someone) * first time i tried to care for myself a month or so after rape i came out of beauty salon and a diff cousin walked past and sarcasticaly said 'HI!' and when I looked vacantly - she laughed at me and mumbled. I dont know. i feel they are all toxic. I can't stand them. They are bullies and spoiled. they dont even know what happened to me and they just want to keep me and my family down. fuck them.
  6. I Wonder...

    List of Things Accomplished since I last wrote: * Moved to the Big City alone * Got my overdue debts in Order * Started a new job * Integrated into culture and made friends * Started 'loving' my body again by doing Yoga & I start Tai Chi tomorrow * Working on my relationship with Huss * Made it to my 25th bday (its in 8 days ) * Socialising healthily * Making Rent and Bills * Keeping interested and engaged with life - and I'm so proud of myself! Now, I have to face the reports and legal process. Apparently there are some doc.'s waiting for me at home - my folks have them but they didn't want to spoil my week. So, I think I'm ready to go ahead and get some justice. I helped a friend this week going through a report of child sex offender...she thanked me today with buying me Sushi and getting me flowers...I am so happy for her but when I came back to work I had to cry and call mum...I want my OWN justice now too...I am ready. I love you all and hope you are healing day by day - or if not, I hope you are at least resting and 'being kind in your thoughts' as my Yoga teacher says Love, Abby xx
  7. Waiting for Direction

    Hello All Right now it's Sunday in Australia and I'm waiting to hear back about two job interviews I had this Thursday and Friday in the Capital City. One role has a fabulous hourly rate, autonomy, project ownership. The other role has a great title, lots of autonomy and reasonable pay. I did the best I could in both interviews - but now I am incredibly, incredibly nervous and I would actually be devastated if I didn't get one of these jobs. I came alive in the city...I felt grand... I broke down in the hotel room after one interview. Not out of sadness, out of pride, relief, amazement. I DID this. I am DOING this. My friend said that it is an awakening...I feel like it is too... I am not being who I was...I am more Wish me luck - pray that I get one of those jobs, will you? Love Always Abby...
  8. What a great and honest quote haha 'i wish i could find someone mature enough to put up with my b.s without pulling his own' Amen . Maybe, we will tire ourselves of our own b.s - and change our ways . P.S. It is nice to know that I am not alone in my thinking.
  9. The Post Break-Up Struggle

    I texted the ex. Oh don't you worry, I berated myself for it! I just had to say one thing. I had to tell him that I was kind of shocked how easily he let me go. This is a guy who said 'I love you', 'I want you to be my wife', 'I want to marry you' and so on. So, naturally, when I broke up with him - I thought it would have been like pulling teeth - at least a little. So, shouldn't I be happy that we are now both 'happy'? Why am I acting like my feet should be kissed? Why do I expect him to grovel? What kind of person breaks up with someone, and then is dissapointed at no challenge? I wanted to break up - things did not feel right, I was losing interest because he was too demanding, controlling etc. and his opinion seemed to matter full stop. There wasn't much room for mine anymore! Mind you? This is a young situation. Only 3 months of courting/dating, and three dates (if you could even call them that). Why am I shocked? Why am I suprised? Do I miss HIM, or do I miss the comfort of having someone to talk to daily and the security of a relationship? I must admit. Being back to single feels like a lonely walk at night. I feel like I'm gradually becoming more anxious about life in general and that my safe house has gone. This is exactly the feeling that I didn't want Post-Assault. I did not want to associate my safety, healing and progress with a relationship. Somehow, I have. I am killing myself with unproductive thoughts. * Why didn't he like me more? * Did he mean the things he said? DID he love me? * Why does he want to be friends? Now yesterday I hit rock bottom. He texted back and said 'what can I do? I have to move forward. It is life. Can I call?' I had no credit so drove to mum's and usurped their Internet for half an hour. I facebooked him and made out as if I was fine, it was fine and that I still love him (as a mate) and I wish the best for him. I lied, and said I had a date tonight and that I was excited about the prospect of dating again. a) I hate dating b) I'm not excited - I'm clueless! c) I don't want him back but I want him to CARE! d) I'm somehow offended that he wants to be friends!? What is wrong with me?! I feel used - and yet, what could he of used me for? He listened to me whine, rant, rave. He heard me cry and consoled me. He waited for sex and then, we only had it twice. I mock broke-up with him about 3 times. No wonder he's happy to be out! He said I'm crazy. I'm not - but I sure have acted crazy! I feel guilty because once I needed him, inordinately, daily, just to function. Then I lost interest and he picked up on it. I feel so bad for that. Then I broke it off with him. And he knew it was coming he could 'feel' it was different (he said). I feel like the stronger I become in myself, the more my needs develop and become slightly more complex and sophisticated. Does anyone else relate to that? I tell you what, I am NOT looking forward to my Therapy session this Friday! My T said he liked the sound of him! He will think I am 'sabotaging' myself but not allowing myself to have a relationship. Well I don't want a relationship with a man who: - hates gay people - won't go down on a woman and think's it is disgusting - accuses me of being unfaithful or suspicious if I don't answer my phone - expects me to tell him my whereabouts 24/7 or else be punished emotionally (he withdraws) - figures that now that I have had sex with him, I should be healed and never mention the assault, my feelings or anything to do with it. - control me with the prospect and promise of love, committment and safety; yet enact something which is more about possession and ownership! I'm so sorry to rant - he was so sickly sweet on facebook that it made me doubt myself and my choice. 'I'm sorry if I made you upset. We did have good times together' To which I said: 'you didn't . you just weren't what you said initially. yeah, it was ok. Take care' I know - harsh. But I feel like he is one of those men who puts on a sweet and considerate front and is actually a real old-fashioned jerk! Abby
  10. Thanks Iongroad
  11. Look Out! This Woman is PiSSED OFF!

    That's right... Takes Deep Breath In What is it with people who think that they can walk on in to your life, and project themselves onto your turntable. I'm here trying to play MY music, and you're throwing your Record's on without consulting me. I'm trying to hear MY music. I'm trying to heal MY soul. And here you are making you and your life, a Priority! I'm specifically referring to my ex-boyfriend. I'm specifically referring to assholes in general. I'm specifically referring to the demon in my head who pop's up when I make great paces forward on the Road to Recovery and am subsequently 'Dragged Back To Hell'. Who do these people (and thoughts) think they are? Taking over my time, taking over my energy. I tell you what? Today, I am one PiSSED OFF Woman! Given: * It's that time of the month * It's two days Post Break-Up * I had the worst Nightmare of my Life last night * My friend talked ONLY about her last night and didn't ask me how I was But hey! You know what? I can take it. You know why? Because I am awesome. And today, no matter WHAT. I'm taking a long hot Bath. Doing a long indulgent Face-Mask. And reading more of my Book. Today? It's a bit of a 'Fuck the World!' day. And that's okay. That's quite alright. Love Abby xo
  12. Walking Tall

    Hello Readers! Today is a new day . Relationships & Love: I am now single, and I feel 'free'. The weight of being by the phone has gone. The perpetual fear of dissapointing him, has gone. The anxiety of 'yes but, what next, where is this going?' has gone. But I am not without remorse. Though, I do not have regret. Work & Career: I have approximately 2.5 weeks left in my current Temporary Role. I hope to find something else to tie in with it's end. And, I have realised something. Right now, it does not matter what I 'do' for money, as long as it is in line with my morals, ethics and I feel safe. I just want a role that is not demanding. I want to continue being gentle on myself. Who knows? Maybe, I will continue being gentle on myself, for the rest of my life! And, is that so bad? I think not . Environment: I decided to remain in this mid-sized city. I have a cute, safe flat near the beach for a fair price - and I have a support network. I toyed with the idea of running off with my ex, or to another Capital City with friends, but I know that right now, the situation I am in is best for me and my well-being. Sometimes, what we want is different to what we need - it takes maturity to accept that, and it IS for you well-being when you take what you need . Family: Are still nutty as bat-shit (as always). But, I love them. My extended family however, they still interrupt and interfer with our lives. As some of you know, my mother was molesterd by her older brother growing up and, being in a large critically Catholic family of 10, well, the mother did not know (or did she?). Now that she does, of course, she is UNSUPPORTIVE, as are the other 9 children. So naturally, I keep my distance. My mother however, finds it hard to pull away because well - they manipulated her for so long and it IS still her family. *Sigh*. That extended family is STILL a MAJOR source of grief, for me. I cannot stand them. Travel: My Goal (capital G for importance ) is to venture to Thailand this December over Christmas and New Years. As mentioned - it's unimportant whether that's secured by Credit Card, Good Will or Savings - so long as I GO! I believe that I have worked hard on myself and what was thrown my way so - I'm due for some self lovin' I think! Friends: Pandy's is my main source of friendship - on a very real and hearty level. I have a few good friends who are scattered across Australia and the world, but I must say, predominately - it's on here that I find refuge, resolve and revitalisation for my soul. Thankyou xo I can confidently say that I have de-cluttered a lot of my life. Tangiably and In-tangiably. I've retracted from destructive relationships (Huss & 3 friends), set boundaries with unhelpful people (former employer and ex-friend), started to address my finances and literally tidied up my place ( my little flat). And you know, they are big things to me! Things which I secretly wanted to do Post-Assault, but did not have the strength, will or resources to enforce. It took time. Inside, I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted my life to look, feel and smell to get me on the Road to Recovery. But it took time. And that is why I think people call us Survivors 'Strong', because on a emotional and social level - we mature. And for that, I am grateful. Though admittedly, it can be a lonely feeling. That is why forums such as this are so integral to my Healing process. I think of my Healing as House. I am inside the House and it is Dusty, Dirty, but still functional. So, I employ my friends from Pandy's to help me tend to the Home, as I do to theirs. Many hands make light work Love Abby xo
  13. Thankyou superhero1219!
  14. A Relationship Post Assault

    Why is it so hard to be in a Relationship Post Assault? Or maybe it's not hard - with the right person. Maybe, my relationship (which was brief - 3months or so) was confined to the boundaries of what it USED to be, what I used to be. See, 3months ago, when I started talking to my then partner (Huss), I was lot more unsure of myself. Particularly around him, particularly around men. So, here I was suddenly getting this attention, and I didn't know what to do with it. So what did I do? I combusted like popcorn in a microwave and popped out all of my truths. The rape, the anxiety, the depression: THE LOT! Poor guy, it was a lot to take in. But he did, and I was grateful. He helped to navigate my thoughts and was very gentle - he wasn't pushy. Back then? I was more fragile. Suspicious. Wary. Now, I am more aware. Alert. Welcoming. My inner dialogue is different. And I owe some of it, to him. So what happens in a relationship when one person outgrows the never-mentioned pre-determined boundaries which were set upon meeting? What if the partner, cannot accept your evolution and see's that independance, as a threat? Admittedly, I found a relationship as a Sheep, much easier than being my usual Wolf self. Mind you? I am not inferring that it is better or worse to be either, just that I fundamentally relate more to being assertive than submissive. The way I see it is this. In a Relationship Post Assault, the survivor can go through stages with their partner. Such as: * Need/Dependance * Complacency * Equality * Evaluation If in the stages of need, red flags pop-up in the partners behaviour (i.e. unsupportive, controlling, demanding etc) and the survivor feels uncomfortable, sometimes, the survivor does not have the energy, resources or will, to leave or to communicate his/her concerns. Then comes, complacency. The point of (seemingly) no emotional return. When a survivor knows they are settling or being somewhat 'lazy', but have become familiar or connected to a point where conflict is either too stressful or not an option. At this point the survivor may struggle to qualify the relationship to their own conscience, but ignore the debate. Then, by the practicality and realities of daily life and with time - the survivor may begin to assert themselves a little more and gain confidence - attaining equality. Now at this stage, the survivor either feels stronger about those red flags, or acceptance of them. Then comes evaluation. The time when a survivor emotionally retreats from their partner, role and relationship. And ponders : 'what is this relationship?' 'is this what I want?' 'do I like my role?' 'am I being myself?' 'am I valued and respected?'. When you honestly Answer those questions - it becomes hard to ignore your voice. I listened to my voice on the weekend and broke up with my boyfriend because: * The relationship was something I could not identify with. It felt like an agreement. * The relationship was once something I wanted, but no longer needed. * I did not like my 'subservient' role in the relationship. I had let myself fall into this role and not assert myself. I no longer liked it. * I was not being me - completely. Only partially. Because I once 'needed' someone, anyone to cling too. Of course, when you answer those questions to yourself and can identify positive feelings toward your partner and feel good about the relationship - that must feel miraculous! I think that is ideal. Unfortunately, my first relationship Post Assault was not one which is devoid of realisations which make it come to an end. Though, I must say, it still served a purpose and it did put me a few paces further on my Road to Recovery I think that the really important part of Healing, is being totally candid with yourself. When you know a relationship, habit, job, friend, environment is NOT good for you - you must listen to yourself. Otherwise, you are no longer walking the Road to Recovery, you are standing still, weathering the seasons, or worse, going backward. But for now, for those of you who have experienced feelings like I have? I want you to know that you are not alone - and you are brave and strong and being good to yourself and your healing for walking away from something which a) never helped to heal you to begin with or b) no longer serves you. And that being assertive for yourself and your growth and your peace of mind - is a good thing. You are not a bad person for putting yourself first Love, Abby
  15. Thankyou Lovely! It just hit me like a wave - I thought - hang on, I'm doing alright!