mormonm0m1

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About mormonm0m1

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    MormonMom
  • Birthday 09/26/1971

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    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. Stayed overly busy all day ... Ate dinner with the friends we are staying with and now feel the dissociation coming on as my brain has time to think and feel. Feeling scared and I hate not being able to control the dissociative times and feel like in at the mercy of my brain & body.... I've had a hard time early with the body memory pains and then got busier so I couldn't think or feel it anymore. I've been doing well with my list if self nurturing things and ways to cope to help stay grounded at least until I get to bed when it seems as if the wheels all fall off of my being in control or at least the fake perception of being on control. It will be nice to head out of here late tomorrow afternoon! Just trying to keep that in front of me and counting down the hours before I get to leave!
  2. Today is starting off rough. The body memory is attacking me and I feel so helpless. The overwhelming sadness and I just want to run away or stay in bed.... But neither if those choices are options ... I have a full day set here and at lunch I have a meeting with the detectives working my case as they want to update me as to what's happening. They told me earlier this week that they haven't talked to anyone about my case and things have been quiet on it. Painful memories and feelings inside myself. Trying to pull it together to go to work... Terribly afraid and shaking and trying to control what's happening. I'm hoping once I get too busy to think ... I'll forget where I am and just work with no time for my mind to wander. My husband keeps commenting on how good I look like in handling this and yet there is this raging war inside me and I feel like I'm going to explode. Life is so quiet here and my mind just fills it's space. One thing I am learning here is that I need to try and simplify my life more... Get rid of stuff I'm holding on to and by simplifying my life hopefully I'll have more time to heal and less busyness to fill my life so I can try to avoid myself. Less housework would be a plus too! And less guilt about the unopened boxes from our move 6 years ago. Today's planned self-nurturing thing today is get some fresh flowers for my desk and tonight to sit and look at the stars here... We can actually see them here! More to come ..... As the day is early yet ...
  3. Today is starting off rough. The body memory is attacking me and I feel so helpless. The overwhelming sadness and I just want to run away or stay in bed.... But neither if those choices are options ... I have a full day set here and at lunch I have a meeting with the detectives working my case as they want to update me as to what's happening. They told me earlier this week that they haven't talked to anyone about my case and things have been quiet on it. Painful memories and feelings inside myself. Trying to pull it together to go to work... Terribly afraid and shaking and trying to control what's happening. I'm hoping once I get too busy to think ... I'll forget where I am and just work with no time for my mind to wander. My husband keeps commenting on how good I look like in handling this and yet there is this raging war inside me and I feel like I'm going to explode. More to come ..... As the day is early yet ...
  4. Today seems to be a fairly good day. I think all the hustle and bustle of trying to get ready to see clients and getting ready to be in control and in business mode is helping shove away the emotions and memories. I also met with one of the Detectives on my case this morning before work and that helped ease some anxiety and she was glad to see me .. . gave me a hug and scheduled to meet for lunch tomorrow to talk about the case. Just seeing her face to face makes me feel safer and like there is someone here protecting me and who knows I'm here and that at least matters to them. So I matter to someone. And they will protect me. I have tried to keep up with my Coping Strategy advent calendar I made that each bag has something good for self nurture and coping strategies along with suggestions from my T. Took a Lavender bubble bath this morning before heading off to work and sitting in the Living room with some time to think and be quiet with myself (all by myself) and my thoughts. The office where I rent .. when we arrived everyone there was so happy to see us and asked about my dog and the kids and just really felt welcomed and like they care about me and my family. It has been nice to rent here and feel apart of their family especially since my dad and I separated in business and family relations it's felt quite lonely and this feels so much like a family business and I'm so happy to feel this especially here and at this tough time. Today I met with clients and got off early so we decided to go to a nearby town for dinner (Suggested by my T) .. . some sight seeing kinds of things and then watch and take pictures of the AZ sunset. All in all it's been a pretty good day. Most the day I hadn't even really thought about being here at home. Feeling the emotions set in after dinner and now as I write . . . So it's time to sleep and let the sleep meds do their work.
  5. Feeling the emotions rising as we take each mile by mile and getting closer to the Arizona border of my hometown. As I try and hold it back the chest pains are increasing and my ears are filled with tears that I'm trying to hide. Trying to suck it all in and down and trying not to feel this. Feeling alone and abandoned and worthless. The fear is increasing as I try and sit and try to talk myself out of feeling this way. Trying to bully myself into just getting over it and just not feeling. I'm just not sure where you my T stands in being there with me in all this. Right now I'm feeling emotionally hurt and abandoned. Feeling sadness and darkness within the scorching sun. Feeling desolation in my soul and the surronundings I now find myself in. I find myself wishing this was not the way. The memories just keep coming and I feel so sad and just being here is unbearable and yet I have to. I find the words spoken yesterday of experimenting with the hell I've been living and lived through and I'm tired of being someone else experiment. The overwhelming emotions of just being here and tears streaming and feeling like I'm doing this so alone. Sleep just won't numb the pain enough. Emotional anxiety at an all time high as my cousin's brother is trying to get a hold of me to tell me he has found some connections to get information from the case and CPS from long ago. Seems hard that this is happening just as I am arriving 4 hours outside of my destination and no one but my clients know I'm coming .. . . or how did they find out .. . . Dissociated for a few hours before arriving at the place where we would sleep tonight. Went to bed feeling sad and emotional and just wanting my mommy to love and hold me and make this better. So I held my blanket and lay in bed crying while waiting for the sleep meds to take over. This has been a rough and exhausting trip just to get here this far.
  6. Well I have planned and planned for this and the time is finally here she is going on vacation and I have to return to my home town for work! Today I had Therapy with her just a couple hours before I had to leave to start the journey back home. 16 hours driving to get there and the miles just seem endless. I didn't quite expect it to be this way and feeling quite alone after therapy and after just a few short week ago my T asked me to let her in . . . no rules . . . but to let her into my experiences outside of T. Tex and Email what specifics were going on in all the detail I cared to share and so she could understand exactly what was happening. Well I have and it has felt good in the beginning and then now she seems like she wants out of it .. . It tough and rough but she asked me to and now I am all kind of afraid of her abandoning me and me having to deal with going back home all on my own. At first she said she wouldn't be unreachable . .. but now today she says she won't be checking calls and email she will check once at the beginning of her trip and then again right before she returns to work March 10 .. . . 15 whole days! Earlier she said we could do check-ins and not sure what she meant. It just seems like she has said one thing over the past couple weeks when I knew she and I were traveling and now that it's here those expectations and things I thought she meant have changed absolutely and feel like it happened all at once. Not sure what I did or if I did anything. I feel like she is the only one who really gets this CSA with me and understands and now it feels like she is abandoning me to do this really hard trip all on my own and when I return home she won't be there for me to have her help me to put myself all back together again. I have to cope all by myself for an additional week. I've always had T support when I get back from these trips . . . I have done my best to schedule around to make sure I had it and this time I won't have it when I return. She asked to be in this with me .. . for me to let her in and I do and then she pulls back right before this hard trip and then resets what she even wants from here on out in the future. This is the 2nd T that has done this to me when they asked me to "let them in". I am feeling like I need to protect myself more and that all well meaning my T haven't realized what they were asking for and then it was too late . . .. and they just leave me emotionally exposed and reliant on them and then I have to close it all up to protect myself and then wonder where my T really is in this all with me and what I share and what I don't. I hate having to choose this and for things to change so quickly. I didn't think she would be in with me forever but I felt like we would talk about it and slowly change these things as I became more able and less reliant on her to be there with me in it all. But the change happened suddenly and right before my really hard trip back home where my CSA was and now I'm returning to all those memories without her help. I feel like with these new changes everything will be different and really afraid she might just give up on me all together. Like my last T did on my return from a trip just like this last year. April 1st when she kicked me out and told me to never come back. Today I have felt being abandoned and afraid as the Body memory returns and now I'm doing it alone. No place to turn. Al I have wanted is the comfort of someone who really cares and understands. I want someone to love me.
  7. I hope this Art Project uploads . . . Not sure what I'm doing . . . Here is my Subway Art of the Perfect mother.
  8. TW - I have been in my bed most the day ... January 31, 2014 Tears are just streaming and I can't control it. I'm feeling fearful and sad and frustrated this is disturbing my day off to do things I had planned. Things I planned for me . I feel this overwhelming need to be alone and isolated. Even the thought of stepping outside my room feels too big and violating. I feel little ... I can't explain it better than that. I'm freezing cold and shivering even though it's 78 degrees in my room ... I'm giving up for a little while and I'm back in bed under my warming blanket on Highest setting, crying and gonna go to sleep .... Too overwhelmed ... I feel like I'm failing ... Them the worst flashback happened and I was having a problem recognizing what was real and what wasn't .... My therapist has been a text/email away all day telling me it's ok and take care of myself and giving up and staying in bed is taking care of myself. When my husband got home I wanted out to go do some sushi emotion eating. It was going to be the first time I've been out of my room all day. I thought I felt good enough to go but it was all I could do after dinner to get back to my bed... Being out around people didn't feel safe. Back under my covers and heTing blanket ... Hope I start feeling and functioning better soon.
  9. TW - I have been in my bed most the day ... Tears are just streaming and I can't control it. I'm feeling fearful and sad and frustrated this is disturbing my day off to do things I had planned. Things I planned for me . I feel this overwhelming need to be alone and isolated. Even the thought of stepping outside my room feels too big and violating. I feel little ... I can't explain it better than that. I'm freezing cold and shivering even though it's 78 degrees in my room ... I'm giving up for a little while and I'm back in bed under my warming blanket on Highest setting, crying and gonna go to sleep .... Too overwhelmed ... I feel like I'm failing ... Them the worst flashback happened and I was having a problem recognizing what was real and what wasn't .... My therapist has been a text/email away all day telling me it's ok and take care of myself and giving up and staying in bed is taking care of myself. When my husband got home I wanted out to go do some sushi emotion eating. It was going to be the first time I've been out of my room all day. I thought I felt good enough to go but it was all I could do after dinner to get back to my bed... Being out around people didn't feel safe. Back under my covers and heTing blanket ... Hope I start feeling and functioning better soon.
  10. My list is evolving .. . . Lots of tears later . . . this is what I have now . . . .
  11. My Perfect Mother Image

    This week in T my T gave me homework which she never does ... She wants me to write/ draw/ express in someway what it would have been to have the perfect mother respond to what I needed after my abuse. Kinda tough to think about that and I have some ideas but it just doesn't feel like enough. I have things like: Hold me Wrap me in a blanket I believe you You are worth getting help I'll Protect you at all cost I won't give up on you Unconditional cuddling and loving on Look at what he did to me - not scared of it You are the most important thing to me right now I believe in you I'm right here with you I'm here to help you I will take me to a doctor so they can help you no matter what it costs I'm here to talk I'll be here if you want me to You are beautiful You are important I know this was awful and I won't ever let this happen to you again Cry with me I Love you I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Be angry at him for me Believe in me I'm sorry I was too busy I'm sorry I didn't notice you hurting You are more important than money I'll support you I'll give you the space you need I know this changed you and I'm here to help you heal and go through this with you. I'll Be here whenever you cry or need to cry Everything will be Okay I know this is hard and I'm here for you Dad & I still love you . . . this doesn't change how we feel about you I'll do anything for you You are Special You are strong You are amazing just because you are you Don't tell me to forgive him Don't tell me to push it away and forget it Etc.... I feel like there is more but I'm not sure how to put it all in words.... What would you say if you had the perfect mother... I'd like to do this in some visual art form . . . Like a heart Subway art thing . . . .
  12. I'm feeling crazy and like I shouldn't be bothering with this and we need our sessions for something more important than me freaking out. I feel so much better after writing this that I feel like maybe I shouldn't share because is it really important. I also know I have other writings and such that are stacking up between other sessions. You've asked me how that is working for me for those to stack up and it really isn't. So even though it may be something dumb I think sharing may help us and help me to trust and risk even more which isn't a bad thing. I worry that maybe there is something I should be sharing more and other writings that sit. Or do we need to talk about the pains and coping I tried this weekend to deal with the body memory. I'm conflicted as to what is most important to me and my healing. I am so afraid of being abandoned that I'm afraid to take letting you in and bothering you during your time off. I understand you have a life outside of our therapy relationship. I'm afraid that what I go through is a lot for me and I'm afraid of risking our relationship and it becoming too much. I know you said there are no rules to how and when I let you in. That you want me to let you in so you can be there with me. I also want you to be in this with me. I have to say that since last session the times you were there by text felt good. I felt you right there with me. Having confidence in me and my ability to get through it and not just get through it but that I could keep in control even when I didn't feel like I could. It felt like a big warm hug because I knew that you knew exactly what was happening like you would if you were right in the same room as me and you still didn't leave me through it even though it was hard and late at night. I kept hearing you tell me what you would do if your little girl was experiencing these things and it helped me to try and be patient with the experience and to not yell at myself in my head for this happening. It gave me hope that I could try to keep away the trauma and take care of my body. I still feel like this is some kind of punishment for something I've done and it's just the hell I have to live through for doing something wrong. As I wrote those emails to you it was hard to not just call it "body memory" because that is easier for me to say and feel than to explain the real feelings and sensations. The words felt like it was so hard to explain it. I could hear myself in my head come up with comparisons like pop rocks and it just felt like the only way to explain it. I think even the process of writing and sending you the email helped me stay in the moment and get through the experience. I worry that if I let you in and send a text or email and you don't respond to these experiences that I'll feel all the more alone. I feel like though that may happen I want you there with me when you can and for that maybe the fear of being alone in it is worth it. I decided that sending you the details of my experience is probably something you would rather not get by text. So if you noticed I'd let you know that it was happening again after I had sent the email to you of the details so you could check there for more specific information if you chose to or had a chance. It's hard to feel so out if control and that I can't even control how my own body feels. It also feels harder to share those moments for fear of what might be thought of me or how I'm handling the experience. I feel like I've been going crazy this week. It's like I'm enduring some test and that I'm just not getting the answers right. Like I'm not doing this right enough. I feel like it's been happening so much this week. I understand it's a lot to deal with. I don't want to risk losing you because I need you and I need what connection we have even if that means I have to suffer more between sessions to keep you. I know you've told me before that it's not my job to worry about protecting you and the boundaries in this relationship but I worry and get afraid as I trust and share in those not so pretty moments that I'll do something wrong or that it will be too tough or the wrong time for you to carry this with me outside of session. I even worry that it will lose its importance in session and the opportunity for us to emotionally connect about these events and it gives me perfect chance to build my wall of protection. I know I worry because of what my past therapist did to me when I shared and trusted her to be with me in those real moments that she said she wished she could be a part of when I was reliving these experiences. The devastation I experienced and hurt from her I don't feel like I could do with you. I feel like even as committed as my husband is that even he sometimes looks at what I'm going through as ... Oh it's just happening again ... And seems to have lost some of the reality that it may diminish the experience for him but for me it's just the same as the first time or the 100th time. It's very real for me in every way. In fact this week he hardly even acknowledged the pain and what I was experiencing this week. He slept through all my tears and obvious pain I was in. He feels like the new strategies are the fix and if I just do those things it will go away. He doesn't realize that it doesn't necessarily work that way. It's hard to feel like I'm all alone when it's so hard for me to experience these pains and sensations. I sometimes feel so out of sorts because it's hard for me to explain what is going on and I know that even if my emails don't make sense that you understand a lot of what I'm trying to say. I heard your voice and that this isn't going to sink us and you are here in it with me. When you were there with me it helped me to stay here and I didn't dissociate ... I felt close to it but I didn't . And I felt like I had more things to try and ideas for relieving the pain and that it helped me just get through it. Your encouraging words meant more than I can really put words to. I know we won't always have the answers but feeling you there with me helped give me hope that we would truly do this together and you really meant it. I want you there with me but I'm afraid and I know you have a life outside of my therapy. I hope you understand what I've been trying to say and that this will give us a place to start working through these fears.
  13. Wow it's been such a long time since I've posted. And after looking at my posts from 2011 . .. I feel like I haven't made much progress. I now have a psychologist for the first time and she is #6 therapist. This experience is like no other . . . It seems like we are so much in sync that she knows what I am doing even when I'm at home and so is she. We are going through the trauma egg that I did back in 2011 with another therapist and it has caused the worst body sensations. My body is trying to relive the events . .. . and it's so hard to explain them to my therapist because I just don't know what to say. She is trying to help me through them and I get afraid of her being traumatized by what I go through and what I feel. I've had bad therapists in the past that asked me to "let them in" and when I did they couldn't handle it. My Therapist now isn't like the others and she says it is her responsibility to set and keep boundaries and to take care of herself and not let my trauma affect her judgement in helping me. She says she has her own therapist if she needs one. My therapist can express things about what i've been through that resonates with my soul even if I can't say it . . . Our latest session she talked about if her little girl (which she doesn't have kids yet) came to her after being hurt like I was during one of the events that she would do everything she could to keep the trauma as far fromher and just take care of her .. . If she was cold she would get a soft warm blanket and hold her. if she was hot she would take the blanket off. If she was hurting or bleeding she would clean her up and put something on the places she hurt to make it feel better. It was emotional to hear because no one did that for me. It's something I've longed for and I never got. She said I need to learn how to take care of myself and to take the power back over my own body. I am so afraid of being abandonded that I'm afraid to take her completely at her word and let her know when I'm having body memory pain. I feel like it's been happening so much this week that I don't want to risk losing her because I need her and I need what connection we have even if that means I have to suffer more between sessions to keep her. I'll be making several posts about what has happened between the earlier posts and now . .. . lots has happened and this way we can move forward from this point and maybe make more sense of what is going on in my life.
  14. Well I really ought to be sleeping but the medicine just doesn't seem to be working and I keep having incidents swirl in my head biding for my attention. I think this is being caused by the fact that in just a few hours I have therapy and we will be discussing the events in the Trauma Egg. I tried listening to music to help me sleep but it isn't working tonight. It is like my brain is trying to prepare me for this discussion of the many trauma events recorded inside the Trauma Egg. I wasn't even able to finish it. . . I feel like I failed . . . It was too hard and full of emotion, hurt and overwhelmed me. So I gave up and just couldn't finish it. It would have taken another 3 hours and I just couldn't do anymore. So I will be taking it unfinished to therapy. She said we might be able to finish it together. So here goes one of probably many entries of whatever is in my head. I remember the fear I felt and hoping that tonight I could sleep. I remember counting cars and hoping one of them was Mom & Dad coming home from work. I remember feeling like God didn't feel I was worth helping or saving. I had already sinned and now I was stuck with the consequences of sin. I remember looking through the blinds and trying to wait out what was happening. I remember seeing the light around the door and praying and hoping that he wouldn't come in my room tonight. I remember feeling dirty, ashamed, and embarrassed as he looked and took what he wanted, while I lay there vulnerable and cold. I felt bad for wishing he would just get it over with and not draw it out. I remember being afraid . . . afraid that this time he would hurt me worse because I was bad and didn't do what he said right. I remember feeling alone and helpless. I remember being hurt and trying to sleep and I couldn't. I remember cleaning up the messy stuff and blood and never feeling clean. Hoping someday it would just wear off and I could get it off me. This is all too painful and I just can't make it go away. I tried to stuff it back away so that I could deal with it in a more manageable amount and that way we could deal with some of it and then once we dealt with that then we could work on another bit while still be in control. But this kind of stuff just doesn't work that way. Besides therapy this week I have an consultation appt with a Gynecologist to discuss some issues I have been having that are overwhelming me. This is frightening and scary because the only person who knows much detail at all is my therapist. I am afraid and scared to have to talk to someone else about these things. I am so embarrassed about this intimate subject and I am having panic over this appt . . . I have written a letter with bullet points of what I need her to do when she does the exam on the next appt and then another section of things and issues I am having that we need to talk about and how much experience she has dealing with women who have been through what I have. It is so hard to talk to other people because I just don't feel like there are many people who understand what I have been through, what it felt like, and the actions I made. I feel like people would judge me for allowing things to happen and not stopping it. I feel bad for wanting to keep my letters about the abuse. I feel like I can control that and it's mine . . . I feel like this sounds incredibly dumb. But for some reason I feel safety and comfort in having and keeping them. I am so afraid that my therapist is going to think that I am too difficult to deal with, that I have too many difficult issues, and that she will have to refer me to someone else. I don't think I could do that . . . I have invested so much in this relationship and trust with her that I just don't think I could do it again. Therapy has been so hard up to this point after 4 months that I just don't think I could do it again.
  15. I had Katy put this in for me at Pandy's here so that I could post mine when done and other ppl could do one as part of the healing exercises . . . Well Mine isn't done yet so here is the post with the instructions. http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=176220