Beautiful

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About Beautiful

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. I'm struggling. I was raped last week by a new guy I had been seeing. I actually confronted him about it and he confirmed with humility that he forced himself on me. I'm devastated, heartbroken, scared, and it feels like a horse stomped on my chest. He didn't contact me for a few days and I kept getting flashbacks of how forceful and rough he was and I texted him about it. He said he was sorry and he'd email me and call me and he hasn't. I called him even though I shouldn't have and he didn't answer. He hit ignore and it just validated the miserable feelings. Like being emotionally raped all over again. I guess I called because I so desperately want to get the trust and safe feeling back. I didn't see it coming. He was kind and emotionally open and everything that my ex before him that also raped me wasn't. We had a heart to heart over coffee two days after the incident when he admitted how he forcefully pushed himself on me and asked why I didn't stop him. I said I was scared and I said no and I resisted and I just froze when he persisted. He expressed his past that involved multiple arrests for violence and substance abuse. I guess the light went off then. I thought he was on the road to healing because of his infinite references to his spirituality and God, his openness and his honesty. I saw a counselor the day after the rape and just lost it in her office and she asked me about pressing charges. I said I didn't want to call the police because I did last time and I just couldn't relive it. I actually just left a treatment center for an eating disorder and have been sober for 6 months. The eating disorder and substance abuse were how I dealt with the last rape. For two years I just drank my face off to suppress the feelings and the hurt. Right out of treatment I thought I met my knight in shining armour. Then a week and a half ago he raped me after I had several conversations with him about how important it was for me to wait to be intimate. I feel so violated. I gave my phone to my mom for awhile and have chosen to never contact him again, I'm going back to my therapist next week and I just need some support. So heartbroken.... I'm not sure where to post. I guess a mod can move this where it's appropriate. I just needed to get it out.