catsmile

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About catsmile

  • Birthday 01/20/1980

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. I hope it all improves for you. Also, most insurance plans or the state you live in (if in the US) provide for the right to arbitration when there is a dispute. Arbitration would be a third party that makes a decision regarding the situation. Might be worth looking into. I can't imagine it not going in your favor in some way.
  2. It was so brave of you to share this with her. She sounds so much like my mother. Safe hugs if okay?
  3. I just want to feel normal

    Is that really too much to ask? One minute I want to give up on everything, and the next I want to dance. I feel like I am fighting a battle with myself. I hope I even out eventually. It is much harder to hide how I am doing when they are up and down. I can't really deal with the sad looks right now.
  4. Samantha--I am so sorry for how you are feeling lately. There have been times in the past I could have written the same thing. I know how hard it is to fight sometimes. I know how hard it is when those who are supposed to love us seem to be incapable of doing so. It is easy to want to block out the feelings inside us. Please don't do that. YOu have a right to be upset, and a right to cry. Talk as much as you need on here, if it helps. Do you have someone to talk to in real life, a friend or a T? It will get easier with time. You are not worthless. You are worthy to be loved. You deserve to have your feelings considered, and you deserve to worry about you and not everyone else for a while. Safe hugs if ok? Toni
  5. If you really knew me you'd see all of the pieces that I am. If you really knew me I'd be sad, because you'd be sad, and the guilt would eat me alive. If you really knew me you know I fight so strongly for what I believe in because in the past, I did not fight. If you really knew me you'd see how I let the past change me from who I wanted to be into who I am. If you really knew me you'd see how much I want to change the world.
  6. changes over time

    When I look back over time how I have changed so much, from when I was a chils pre abuse ot when I was a child post abuse, to a teenager, young adult, and then within the relatinship wit my abusive ex and afterwards, and even now. Anymore, I seem to live in the world of in-between. In between happy, and in-between depressed. I want to live on the upside of things. The happy side. I no longer live in the world of nightmares and fears, but the land of sunshine isn't my home either. One half of me wants to be optimistic and hopeful, while the other part of me fears to put that trust anywhere. I am angry so much less, and it is wonderful, but it never goes completely away. I used to believe in changing the world. Now, I want to create that change. A real project. Yet, I fell lost in finding one that I can accomplish. The disappointment and unbelief in others crushes me, when it should not. I need a sunny-side up friend. One who is impractically optimistic, even thought aware that optimism and reality don't match. The part of me I lost so many years ago wants to be, but can't seem to find a place to fit because disappointment is hard. All of these service project ideas at church, some of which aI can't do because of my past and issues that arise, and some that just don't seem to fit. Where should I be in all of this? Where do I exist and how do I find my place?
  7. people's reactions

    I feel awful sometimes, for how people react to things I say involving how I feel. I feel awful for them feeling awful. I feel awful because what would they say if they knew that I really don't like myself most of the time lately. I e-mailed my story to a friend about my life and God. No details, just feelings over the years that resulted from what happened. I thought it would be easier for her t hear without the exact details. She has been crying before church later that week. I knew it was because of what I said, and I felt bad for making her cry. My life has been what it has been, and at the moment it is good, except for the mental part. Sometimes I say things and I don't understand why people stare at me, almost sad. They are not sad to me, but maybe I am missing something. I don't want someone to feel sorry for me. Understand me, yes. I need someone to expect me to do well, and know that I can, because often I doubt that I am worth it. I suppose I need someone to push me.
  8. I understand your battle, as I seem to be fighting a similar one. Just know that I am listening. I hope writing helps. Toni
  9. Family

    So I read the topic "Family is forever" on the spirituality board. It came at just the right time. So often I question what of my life I must share with my children as they grow older. My oldest will have to miss a part as it involves her father. So often I doubt who I am as a parent. SO often I try to be perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. Even in great families. I wonder about that man who is my father. The one who should have seen the terrified look in my face when SD came for me. The one who didn't even bother to look when he had flags in his face. The one who did and still does rip my mother to pieces on a daily basis. The one who throws insults instead of punches at someone hose self-esteem is in the toilet already. I wonder about my mother who stays even now with someone who does not love her or show her even a touch of respect. The one who thought slapping would help me to comprehend what she was teaching, never knowing that my fear of being slapped yet again made comprehension impossible. The one who thought punching and shoving was a good substitute for spanking when you grew to large to spank. The one who tried so hard to do everything right, but couldn't see through her own pain who she was becoming. The one I am able to forgive her for the things she regrets, but unable to forgive her for the things she still does. The one who ripped apart the child in me that had finally learned to be happy. The one who would rip me apart still if the moment hit her. The one who still rips apart my sister. The one who failed to see the tears in my eyes when she asked if anyone had molested me. Perhaps because my denial let her have denial. The one who I know has secrets that she cannot share. The one whose mother and brother would beat her just because. Then there is my uncle, one of the ones who abused me. He is not even worth a thought. Perhaps as the writer said, families are the ones who we learn te most from. Sometime good, sometimes bad, and never perfect.
  10. Church and the part of me afraid

    So I have been working on the story of what God means to me, in the hope of when I do need to share it that I can. It is completely intertwined with the story of my life, which makes it a difficult one to tell. Yet, one day I will be able to tell the story to those who need to hear it. It is funny how people, even those at church, forget that life is not easy for everyone. Perhaps it is not that they forget, but that they never understood in the first place. They think that getting over the hard times just means letting go of all of it and trusting God, but there is more to it than that. I tried that, just letting go, and it did not work. For me it is more of examining and knowing what happened and everyone's role in it, and then letting go snd letting God take care of the rest. That doesn't mean that you will never have to deal with it again, but it means that when you do have to deal with it, relearning to let God help. I asked for prayer this past Sunday in Sunday School. I said that I deal with depression every winter and that I wanted prayer in helping with that. Our teacher said that I needed prayer with the "winter blues", which somehow minimalizes how I feel. He dosn't know that for me there is a major difference between the "winter blues" and major depression. He doesn't know that I am trying to reach out, to not clam up. He doesn't know that a part of me is afraid that I won't be able to pull myself out of it this year if it returns, and that I need someone to do it for me. I guess I shall leave that to the few people at church who do know. I miss the other Sunday School class, as our teacher could read between the lines of everything, even the things left unsaid. It was a place I felt comfortable asking for prayer for even the mildly difficult things. I know our teacher is trying, and starting a new class is hard, especially as it is his first. He means well, and the other comments he has made (which I shall not mention) leads me to believe that he just does not comprehend certain parts of life, which I suppose is a good thing. I would not wish those really difficult parts on anyone. I know that he is a good person. Maybe I should explain the difference to him. Probably, I never will. One thing I usally know without a doubt is what God wants me to do, and that is trust Him. In my lack of ability to trust others, I show to God that I don't trust him as much as I should. Not eveeryone should be trusted all the time, but when I feel God pushing me to confide i someone, even those I already trust, I should. I suppose that is a difficult lesson, trust, completely.
  11. Thank-you for your response. It is somehow comforting to know that someone else with a "colorful" (for lack of a better word) past can understand. People always want to ask why you believe in God when He lets things happen. Sometimes I have wondered if I am healing incorrectly because I do not question God. Yet, I know that is nonsense. There is no correct way to heal. There is nothing wrong with having a faith in God. He has given me so much, even if I had to deal with so much. Thank-you
  12. Amazing

    So, a friend I talk to who I knew had been abused but who had never old me any details, told me yesterday (we talk via e-mail) that her abuse was when she was 15 by a pastor. Yet, she still has strong faith in God. It is amazing how we can overcome so much. It is a shame that someone like that would even dare do something like that. So many people question why God let these things happen, question believeing in someone who would allow them to happen; this was never a feeling of mine. Church was always a safe place for me, and still is. Yet someone who was hurt by someone important in the church, and yet has faith is amazing. I don't know if she was always this way. I would guess that her faith was hurt by what happened. But she overcame what happened to her. Somehow, it gives me strength to know all of this.
  13. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I understand the feeling. Often we present ourselves differently that they are. I have often done this, out of shame and fear. It feels as if you are losing control of your emotions, and that is awful. Just letting you know I am sitting here with you. Remember, let a little bit escape at a time, and you won't explode.
  14. Less angry

    So I have been feeling less angry, but perhaps more sad, when thinking about what happened with my ex. It is as if aknowledging the names of what happened helps me to put it behind me somewhat. As healing is such an up and down rollercoaster, I can't say I've forgiven him yet. I am working towards that, though. The man who teaches the sunday school class I attend knows about all that has happened in my life (not the details, just the overview.) Sometimes, I say something in the discussion about the lesson that he knows comes from what I've been through. When he responds he gets a kind of sad look on his face. It makes me want to cry sometimes, but it also makes me feel a little comforted, that someone outside of my family can perhaps understand a little.
  15. Forgiveness

    Forgiveness. It is amazing how powerful one word can be, and how much it can entail. Somehow, as a teenager, I was able to forgive those who were perps in the CSA. And yet, I find it so difficult to forgive my exhusband for all of the things he did and all he took from me. I know in part that is because I decided to stay when I should have left. That I made choices that didn't help the situation, though fighting back shouldn't give him an excuse to hurt me more. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't know that the choices he made were wrong, and yet when I hear someone else say that, it hurts more than they know. And yet I find myself at this point in my life where I know that I must forgive him. I should, and I am finally ready to let go of the anger. That has been my goal these last 6 months. The only way, it seems, to get rid of the anger is to forgive him. The only way to forgive him is to go over everything that happened, and take a step back and realize what was normal and what was not. In taking a step back, I have realized that there were so many warning signs. I know that my parent's relationship at least played a part in my inability to recognize what was happening, but still. I should have realized the 1st 2 times he r***** me that it was not right. Though, I suppose knowing that what happened was R*** would have helped. So forgiveness, for me, is the great hurdle I now face.