So I have been dreaming about him again lately. Ryan.
Just hearing his name makes my heart flutter and makes me gasp for air. The love of my life, the reason I can't listen to certain songs, or love movies.
In 2001 when I was 13 years old I was living in Massachusetts. I wasn't a happy 13 year old. Of course I wasn't every single night I would wake up to my step-father in my room. He was unwanted, I was afraid of him and wanted him dead. Seriously I would think of ways I could kill him without getting caught for it. Bastard.
Anyways, he was in the military and got stationed in Columbus, Ga I was so afraid to move away from my family and friends, as much as I was afraid of my step-father I was afraid to be thousands of miles away from everyone I ever knew. So many times I would think of ways I could tell my mother what he had been doing to me for 6 years but never mustered up the strength.
So we moved, we moved away from my home, my family, my friends, the only good thing was that my step-father was training in Oklahoma for a year. HALLELUJAH. Finally I could get sleep without waking up afraid.
My friend Maggie had a cousin who was living in Georgia as well but he lived 4 hours away from me. His name was Ryan. She gave me his screen name and we started to talk every single day. What he had in common was that we were both away from our home and in a place we didn't want to be. We had each other. After years of feeling alone and unhappy I felt alive again.
I felt like there was a reason to live, Ryan was that reason. I woke up every morning and he was the first thing on my mind and every night before I went to bed I would think of him in hopes that I would see him in my dreams.
Ryan waas gorgeous. He was tall, curly brown hair, amazing green eyes, I could pick out his voice in a crowd of a thousand people. He was amazing, he would write me love letters and songs. He would tell me how beautiful I was and I would actually believe him. When I was with him time stood still and we were the only ones who existed. Every kiss would give me butterflies and every touch from him would make my skin tingle. I felt safe and at home when I was with him.
What was hard about the relationship was that we lived so far away from each other. My mom was the greatest though. She felt bad that I was so far away from home and knew that Ryan was all that I had so she would drive me to go see him.
Ryan, my best friend, my life, my love told me we would last forever and I believed him. Ryan was the reason I got enough strength to tell my mom I was sexually abused for 6 years. I thought that he would be there for me. After I told my mom what my step-father did to me Ryan was the second person I told... I could tell it turned his world upside down. I could hear it in his voice while I cried on the phone. When I needed him the most he became distant. When I needed him to tell me every thing would be o.k he left me alone. We broke up about a month after I told him what had happened to me, he blamed it on the distance but I had a feeling it was more than that. I know it was more than that.
When I think about it now, it hurts as much as it did 8 years ago.
I still love Ryan, we see each other from time to time. I dream about him, I think of him all the time, whenever something good or bad happens he's the first person I want to talk to.
What I hate is that in my head I think he feels the same way for me. I know in my heart that he still loves me, and what hurts the most is that I know we would still be together if I never told him what happened to me.
The last time I saw Ryan was in January back in Massachusetts. I felt the same way I did when I was 16 years old. Being around him makes me happy, makes me whole. We spent the night drinking beer and talking and laughing about the past.
He told me he didn't break up with me because of what I told him but because it was too much to take for a 17 year old. guess I believe him, we were so young. We went back to his house and watched t.v and then laid together in his room on his bed listening to music. I was in his arms again and could listen to his heavy breathing and heart beating. It felt right, home.
I live in Hawaii and haven't seen him since then. I know he wants me to be happy and do great things in life but life without him it is lonely. It's scary picturing the future spending my life with another man when Ryan is the love of my life, the reason for my heart to beat. I believe we are meant for each other.
So what do I do now? The years have been passing by so quickly and every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year without him makes me miss him and love him even more. As much as I try to forget him I can't and as much as I try to find someone else to love it is impossible. I think of him whenever I am at the ocean and feel the water touch my feet. I think of him when I look at the stars and the moon in the sky. I dream of him at night and I just can't seem to let him go. I love him and even if I am a hundred and two I will never forget the boy who gave me the strength to tell my mom I was abused.