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About anji13

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    Art washes away the dust of everyday life
  • Birthday 06/24/1982

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  • Location
    New York
  • Interests
    Tattoos, art, reading, movies, my daughter, animals...
  1. glass

    i say i am untouchable unbroken numb most hours i am alone i sit deaf to the noise surrounding my shattered heart i am some fragile thing sitting a self lost within myself my grief i will not say i am glass glass is beautiful sharp and contained i am wild rough dull but we share a common past glass and i both hardened by heat pressed by trauma
  2. the flower at the tomb (poem)

    time over time the wilted flower wondered I stand here alone cold and passed over no one helps me grow no one stays at my side no one saves me from the evening gloaming and I spend another darkness waiting for the sun in the dawn as it comes the warmth does not please me for it only ends in cold when the nighttime returns so the flower, stalk bent and petals heavy wept at the base of its stone statue the stoic carving asked the flower why so many tears and it responded People comes and go, they sit and stare they whisper to me their secrets and grief and leave me here I want a home. I want to be taken from here. I want to be saved. The stone told the flower, I know why they leave you behind You are already dying, you are already dead. They leave you here little wilted flower because you will never grow. You, like myself, are fated to live our times in this place of death and emptiness. This is our purpose. So embrace your loneliness, despair, and tears. They are your only companions.
  3. adrift

    maybe sometimes its hard to smile or find things worth being happy for and sometimes I watch the entire world spin away from me like I severed my anchor from my soul I don't need stability anymore I need days where the sun is important or moments with people I miss maybe I'm more than just lost maybe I should do something call out to shore stop this drift I don't need these waves anymore I need dry ground beneath my feet or someone to see my flare maybe this is all I will ever get maybe I shouldn't hope for a clear dawn this is what I have brought upon myself, my penance each time I wake, I see there is no beach no island no sanctuary just this black ocean bottomless so it can swallow me whole I guess I don't need rescue anymore I'm barely here a ghost on a sunken relic nothing left to save
  4. letters to them all

    to my family i understand your frustrations, i am my own all the world entrusted to me and i let you down in all fairness i've never felt so abandoned never been so alone to my brother i forgive all the left behind moments all the silent meals and doubting eyes i dont know what to say to you either we've grown into strangers in all fairness no one's ever spoken or told me right from wrong i've always stood on my own to my father deep within the ground i wish i hadn't harbored so much anger or denied you in my darkest nights forgive me daddy for when i was a girl my hate only wanted someone to save me to all the people i shoved away it is my turn to ask forgiveness my heart longs to sit at a table sharing love and food with you all again so i can open my wounds, so i could show you in all fairness i blocked it all from you i denied my own faults, fears, and corroded veins i told you lies and whispered i needed no help when help is all i craved if we could start again, would things truly be any different now? no i dont think so either i am always this broken thing with silent wings and a voice too scared to speak so when my road diverges and leaves you all in the darkening wood, remember me somehow remember i once was your friend your child your sister remember i used to be a scared thing and forgive me that i never grew out of that age the age of dark nightmares
  5. its been rough

    Been having some pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks lately. My brother, who is basically the only person I have left, has been in the hospital after a heart attack. I've already lost a brother and I dont think I could handle that again. Every few minutes I lose my breath and I can't think or do anything. I dont know what to do right now.
  6. Thank you so much for that. Its exactly the kinda of thing I needed to hear this week. I am trying as we all are. to you as well.
  7. powerless

    every dawn just another red warning words dont even come any more one more thing over and over my fingertips are colored burnt from all my rage carved bones bent over and over again my roots are sand pressured bleached weak from the rain my voice my recovery lost in the building echo of a beating shore the night comes leaving me on the driftwood again wondering why i bother to hang on
  8. such a brave choice! i admire you for that!
  9. low day

    feeling triggered today for no reason, woke up with it hanging over me. fighting off the urge to fall into my ED habits. telling myself to just breathe. breathe.
  10. drowning ghost

    where I started where I want to be but this heart grows tired it feels old I am a lost country of somethings buried too deep no more self told lies whispering in my ear to never look back my bones wither sand moved by waves lost I can not swim back when I was young I never knew this endless swell pain that is beyond the gleam of the lighthouse my heroes my hopes were too strange to be free no one warns you heroes die no one holds you hand when you're a ghost wandering the halls and that is all I am now a glimpse no one wants to see not even happy memories lives go on around me neglect wears down my history soon the water will rise no gates no sandbars just cold numb black water filling my boards my walls my lungs no one looks for a ghost no one will even know when i am gone
  11. reponse from last post

    Just wanted to thank everyone so much for the support on my last post, especially Sherodon Irishleo. You two helped me so much. I did have a SI slip two nights ago but it wasnt as severe as they've been in the past. And after the first I did stop myself from doing anything worse. Mainly because I just kept reading and rereading the comments on my last post in my blog. So often i tend to think i can handle everything on my own and forget about this site. I dont post as nearly as often as i need. i was in a really dark and lonely place the other night and really frustrated with myself and those around me. I hope to be back on here more regularly because i need to be. Again, thank you to those who post on my things and help me out of those dark moments
  12. first off i just want to thank you so very much for that. i think i've read it about ten times just trying to convince myself that what you wrote is true. then i didnt know what to say because i cant see any good in myself any more and that just made me feel so ashamed. but thank you for taking the time to write a response, it really meant a great deal to me.
  13. cant

    i feel like i have to strong for every one else. not only to be the person they can talk to about everything, any time but also just put on this mask that i'm ok. there is so much going on for everyone else. some days i just accept the fact that i'm always going to be in the dark, alone watching every one live on with their lives. and i can barely wake up in the morning. my soul is dying. its slowly slipping into this nothingness. i wait for the silence in the middle of the night and take out the things that make me feel numb. i've lost the battle with my SI and the ED's. and most days i dont even care. no one ever sees the marks or scars so what's the point of trying to stop any more. i sit in the black void, muted by my own selfish and disgusting mistakes. yet if i told any one they'd criticize me for it. why do i bother to stay strong on the outside for anyone? why do i feel this compulsion to be normal for them when they wont even try to understand when i do reach out?
  14. anniversaries this fall

    So I've been listening to a lot of music lately. It helps me deal with things I guess. I know its only July but autumn is coming and though I love the season, I hate the memories it brings. Fall is when I usually feel the most alone. August and September bring the anniversaries of the deaths of two very important people. The first is my fiance who was killed when he was mugged. It will be ten years without him this fall. No matter what people say, time hasnt really healed this wound. He was one of the very few people who knew about my childhood abuse and SA, and all the depression, SI, and PTSD I had from it. I trusted him with all my being and I am convinced part of me died with him. The second is my half brother. We didnt have alot of time knowing one another as children, our father died just after I was born and he was sent to live with his mother. As adults we reconnected, finding fast friends. I moved downstate so we could be closer, ironically its how I met my fiance as well. He was a firefighter in NYC and his house was one of the first responders to 9-11. He died when the first tower collapsed. I havent been back down there in nearly a decade but I'm thinking this year I might try. Visit the memorial and my fiance's grave. Take my daughter as well. She never knew her uncle at all and for that I am the most sorry. But this song first hit me like a ton of bricks when I heard it last year. Its by Ramin Karimloo, the man who played the phantom of the opera in Canada and England. I highly suggest anyone youtube it or buy his solo cd. It is rather amazing and emotional. This song makes me think about Mikey and Dom. So here's to them. Cathedrals by Ramin Karimloo In the shadows, of tall buildings, Of fallen angels, on the ceilings. Oily feathers, and bronze in concrete, Faded colours, pieces left incomplete. The line moves slowly, past the electric fence, Across the borders, between the continents. In the cathedrals, of New York and Rome, There is a feeling, that you should just go home, And spend a lifetime, finding out just where that is. In the shadows, of tall buildings, The architecture, is slowly peeling. Marble statues, in glass dividers. Someone is watching, all of the outsiders. The line moves slowly, through the numbered gates, Past the mosaic, of the head of stage. In the cathedrals, of New York and Rome, There is a feeling, that you should just go home, And spend a lifetime, finding out just where that is. In the shadows, of tall buildings, Of open arches, and lastly kneeling. Sonic landscapes, at going this does, Someone is listening, from a safe distance. The line moves slowly, into a fading light, Our final moment, in the dead of night. In the cathedrals, on New York and Rome, There is a feeling, that you should just go home, And spend a lifetime, finding out just where that is. Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, In the cathedrals, on New York and Rome, There is a feeling, that you should just go home, And spend a lifetime, finding out just where that is.
  15. I totally agree