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About godsmissiongal

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  • Birthday 06/28/1985

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  • Location
    Campbellsville, KY
  • Interests
    Reading, Music, history, genealogy, sewing, quilting, playing piano, and playing with my son.
  1. ASSESSING THE DAMAGE Always usually sometimes rarely never SELF ESTEEM 1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me - Always 2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy - sometimes 3. I feel ashamed - always 4. I'm different from other people - always 5. I feel powerless - always 6. If people really knew me, they'd leave - always 7. I want to die - sometimes 8. I want to kill myself - sometimes 9. I hate myself - always 10. I have a hard time taking care of myself - usually 11. I don't deserve to be happy - always 12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings - sometimes 13. I'm often confused - usually 14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them - always 15. I'm scared of success - sometimes 16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. - always 17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside - rarely 18. I'm a perfectionist - usually 19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life - rarely. Large chunks of childhood seem to be missing. 20. I've done a lot of shoplifting - never MY FEELINGS 1. I don't think feelings are very important - always 2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling - always 3. I can't tell one feeling from another - usually 4. I only experience one or two emotions - sometimes 5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings - usually 6. I have a hard time crying freely - always 7. I cry all the time - rarely 8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy - usually (That is when I actually do feel happy which is quite infrequent. 9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm - sometimes 10. I feel enraged a lot of the time - rarely 11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. - sometimes 12. I get depressed a lot - always 13. I have a lot of nightmares - always 14. I have panic attacks - sometimes 15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control - usually 16. I've been violent - never 17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be - sometimes MY BODY 1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time - usually 2. I frequently space out - sometimes 3. My body often feels numb - usually 4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me - usually 5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain) - usually 6. I think my body is ugly - always 7. I hide my body - always 8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up - sometimes 9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should - Never 10. I often eat compulsively - always 11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up - rarely 12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) - Never at least not physically 13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse - Always (I Have been diagnosed with PTSD and Fibromyalgia and I also deal with depression, OCD, and major anxiety.) 14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim - rarely 15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures - never 16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth-always. - Always (I have to be sedated for any dental work and I totally go bonkers even for a simple cleaning.) 17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist - always INTIMACY 1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet - always 2. Most of my relationships just don't work - always (With the exception of my Husband) 3. I don't have many friends - always (The only "friend" I currently have is my husband) 4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover - rarely 5. I think I'm really meant to be alone - never. I'm afraid of being alone, my husband is my security blanket. I never go anywhere without him. He is always there when I am out of the house or I just stay inside. 6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved - always 7. I don't know what love is - usually 8. I find it hard to trust people - always 9. I think people are going to leave me - always (This scares me to death. My greatest fear in life is that my husband will leave me or get taken from me.) 10. I test people a lot - always 11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else - usually (But I ache inside when I don't get enough nurturing. Then I feel guilty when I am.) 12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone - always 13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic - usually 14. I have a hard time saying no - always 15. People take advantage of me in relationships - usually 16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible - rarely 17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser - rarely 18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner - usually (Mostly because I don't feel worthy of his love and because the pain has almost completely paralyzed me.) 19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser - Never (My husband couldn't harm a fly.) 20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship - usually (I have intimacy issues even with my husband.) SEXUALITY 1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. - sometimes 2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years - never 3. I really think sex is disgusting - sometimes 4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it - sometimes (I don't think there is anything wrong with sex but I have lost a lot of my desire due to self loathing and not being comfortable in my own skin.) 5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy - Usually 6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs - never 7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" - rarely 8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me - rarely 9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. - never 10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want - never 11. Sex is the thing I'm best at - Rarely. Although I don't think my hubby would say I am bad at it. 12. I've sold myself for sex - never 13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me - sometimes My husband is the only sexual partner I have had that truly respected me. So in other words 3 out of my 4 partners (including my rapist and the other one that took advantage of me) just saw me as a piece of meat. 14. I need to control everything about sex - sometimes 15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking - usually 16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand - sometimes 17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love - very rarely 18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse - never 19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on - never 20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality - sometimes 21. I've sexually abused others - never CHILDREN AND PARENTING 1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children - rarely 2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids - sometimes - but this is most true of my son for some reason. I'm not saying that I am not affectionate with him, it is just hard sometimes. I grew up with a mother that rarely ever hugged or kissed me so I have a hard time showing that type of affection even with my husband at times. 3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids - sometimes. I end up being too distant or at times to soft. I have a hard time disciplining my son because sometimes it causes flashbacks to my childhood when my father would beat my brother or me. 4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. - sometimes 5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. - usually 6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of - never 7. I tend to be overprotective - always (I shelter my son quite a bit.) 8. I've successfully protected children - always 9. I'm scared I'll be abusive - rarely 10. I have abused children - never 11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). - Never!!! MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN 1. I have strained relationships with my family - always with my immediate family and extended family. However, I actually get along well with my in-laws. 2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) - usually 3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family - always 4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences - always 5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family - usually 6. I can't be honest with the people in my family - always 7. My abuse is still a secret in my family - usually, there are a few family members that know about it. 8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me - always, but I don't old my breath that it will ever happen. 1. When I look over my responses, I feel...like i am finally being honest with myself after 7 years. 2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...All of them really. But probably self esteem and intimacy are the worst. 3. I was least affected in the areas of... raising my child. 4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... The ones dealing with intimacy in relation to my husband. I hadn't realized how much I have shut down in that area and it simply isn't fair to him. 5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... all of the areas. 6. I already made major strides in the following areas... None. I am still in the acceptance stage. 7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... I think given enough time I will be able to work through all of these areas. The hardest will be being able to feel emotions again. 8. I was surprised by... The amount of isolation I create around myself. 9. I learned.. That I simply have to start dealing with all of the pain and start loving myself again.