Sugar

Member
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    1,037
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About Sugar

  • Rank
    "What big eyes you have!" Little Red Ridding Hood
  • Birthday 03/04/1991

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?app=blog&module=display&section=blog&blogid=5421

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Colorado
  • Interests
    Art
    camping
    skiing
    swimming
    reading
    tv
    movies
    biking
    animals
    family
    hiking
  1. Where all my peeps at? Its so good to be home! and I finally got a real profile pic up, YAY!

  2. write things down beforehand that you want to say like details about what symptoms you are having or what you need/want out of the appointment and when you get there you can read from what you've written or even give it over to your doctor if you don't feel like you can talk about it out loud. Let them know you are feeling nervous, a good doctor or nurse will be able to help you relax so that the appointment goes much smoother. Try to remember that your doctor is there to help you take care of you. It is ok and so normal for survivors to feel icky about being exposed and being touched in that area. You can say stop at any time. Be proud of yourself for making the appointment and for everything that you do beyond that
  3. Nice to see a new post from you. Hoping you are safe and well.
  4. I can't even begin to say how happy I am reading this! Finding pants can be a nearly impossible feat even for people who have an easy time shopping, god help me the next time I need a new pair of jeans lol! But in all seriousness - I am so proud of you and so happy for you for everything you accomplished today and all the other stuff you've been dealing with lately. I can see you changing, learning to roll with things you wouldn't have been ok with before, being able to handle and change situations in the times when rolling with it just isn't an option, letting people help you and get close to you. You are letting yourself heal
  5. I'm short on words right now but just want to let you know I'm here. <3
  6. Take your time honey, be gentle with yourself and with Little Intrepid. It's not good to hold things in but it's not good to force things out either. You don't need to stick to anyone's timeline.
  7. Anxiety often steels so much of our energy, doesn't it? I'm sure you've been very busy with work and life in general, I hope you've had the chance to talk to your doctor again to get that more specific information that you wanted. It's understandable that the information is so very important to you. I hope you don't feel like asking for that knowledge is somehow unreasonable or bad because it absolutely is not. If you want to be informed then you should be. A friend taught me "Do not fear the unknown, make it known and then decide if it is worth being afraid of." This is what you are doing, you are working to gain a much better understanding so that you can make informed decisions. Everything you are doing, from asking your doctor about what will go on during the appointment to asking AF if she will be there to support you, to actually going to the appointment will help you reach for a better life. Seeking information is a challenge but to do so is not to step out of line and once we have the information we are empowered. Be empowered Intrepid. <3
  8. You are not crazy. You are responding reasonably (even though sometimes emotionally and/or a little less than rationally) to unreasonable stress. Everyone gets a little irrational sometimes, you are allowed to be irrational, you are allowed to be emotional, to have an emotional response to stress. You are doing whats best for you, you are trying your best to take good care of you. I love your plans for your kitchen, manicure, visiting your friend, and house-hunting, these are great ways to make life easier, take care of yourself, be/feel less isolated, and be/feel productive even though you are not at work. Pay attention to your body through all of these activities, even though these are all great plans its still important to not over do things. Keep trying at sleeping, sleep when and where you can, even if that means maybe sleeping on the couch, sleeping till noon, taking a nap during the day, anything that works for you. I'll be cheering for you
  9. I don't hate you. What are you afraid of honey? You are precious, I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now, you don't deserve such pain. Wright whatever you want to here, no more, no less. Its ok to not be ready to share everything right now, its ok to not ever share everything if that's what you chose but if/when you feel ready to write and share more then do, this is just the place for that. I promise I won't ever run for the hills. Lots of love <3
  10. Sitting with you. Are you allowed to call your therapist or send an email? I'm short on words right now, is there any way that I can help you through this? Here to listen or do anything I can do for you.
  11. I'm so glad that you felt able to share that notebook with him, explain about your suicide attempt, tell him more about your mother and father, and talk about all the big and little stuff you talked about. From what you described It sounds like your therapist cares about you and is trying to do everything he can to help you work through all of the muck and get to the truth and now you've given him so much information that the two of you can use for just this purpose. I hope you are able to find a solution to the medical issues going on, you deserve a solution better than ibuprofen.
  12. <3
  13. None of this sounds anything close to petty. You deserve to be listened to, you deserve to have your suffering acknowledged no matter how much or how little anyone else has suffered. You matter, your pain matters.
  14. I hope you are taking care of yourself and getting any/all of the support you need/want/deserve. Be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself, be patient with your grief. Know that even on dark days your light still shines brightly, I know because I can still see it sparkling like angel wings. Sending you my love <3 and as many safe as you and Little Intrepid want.
  15. Nightmare.

    This part is a rant, ignore this paragraph if you want to, otherwise say hello to frustrated Sugar - Dog freaked out when my mom got up to go to work this morning. He sleeps in my room if she's going to leave for work in the morning (she is self employed in a client based field so her work hours are irregular, some mornings she's gone before 7 am and some days she doesn't have any jobs to go to at all) so he woke me up and made me get up, put him outside, and then let him see mom before she left. I don't mind getting up early for a reason, no problem with it, I can be up before 7 am to feed dogs I'm taking care of if that's what the owners want, I can plan accordingly and be ready to get up in the morning to do whatever it is that needs doing but I hate being woken up that early for no reason at all with no prior notice. I mean seriously, he always just sleeps through her going to work without fussing but this morning he started at it and wouldn't let up, barking, wining, clawing at the door, full on freaking out. As soon as he had gotten what he wanted he went back to sleep. I do not like being woken up like that when there's nothing I need to be waking up for that early. I'm not someone who can normally just fall back asleep after getting up or who can nap during the day, normally if the sun is up and I'm awake then I'm gonna stay that way till well after the sun goes down weather I like it or not. I'm not going to get that lost 2 or 3 hours of sleep back. So this was how my day started. Today was not normal. In spite of that ^^^ I went back to bed and fell back to sleep in spite of the sun . . . This part is the nightmare, POSSIBLE TRIGGER - It started with me, present day, as an adult, going to visit a church preschool that I went to (in real life, not just in the dream) as a toddler (this seem odd to me because no one in my immediate family are church people, we were not at all a church going family yet this preschool I attended was in a church). When I was little there were 2 classrooms used with different activities that we could choose from going on in each classroom, when I went there in the dream 1 room was exactly the same, I stood in the room with the current teachers and just took it in. Then I noticed something odd. There had been a sort of Jack and Jill bathroom shared between the 2 classrooms, when the bathroom wasn't being used by someone it was used as a sort of go between for the 2 rooms, go in this room on one side of the bathroom and play with these toys or go in that room on the opposite side of the bathroom and do an art project, anyways in the dream the bathroom was still there but the door to the other classroom was gone but outside of the bathroom along the same wall was a new door but it wasn't into the second classroom. I walked through it with the teachers and the second classroom had been turned into a chapel. There were some more people there, they all seemed fairly pleased with this change, I was just kinda confused by it. We walked back into the first classroom. I turned around to look at the door, it was shut, it had turned into a glass see through door but instead of seeing the church pews through the glass I saw a bunch of guys I went to school with here in Colorado (in real life). In reality they were safe guys, not the guys who hurt me and I knew this in the dream but I suddenly felt threatened, they were after me. I wanted to leave Again this confused me, why were they there where I grew up and not in Colorado or wherever their lives have taken them since I saw them last? Why did I feel threatened even though I knew them as generally safe people (by safe I don't mean that I exactly trusted them, just that if any of those specific guys ever did attempt to physically harm me in real life I would be surprised by it as that would be out of character for them)? Why was the door glass? Why was the door even there? I was all sorts of confused. Here there is a gap in the nightmare. The next thing I knew I was waking up in a local (Colorado local, not where I grew up local, not where the preschool was) hospital after having been raped. I had been cut . . . inside, an attacker had used a knife to . . . he raped me with a knife. I had to go through the entire post rape exam thing (in real life I've never had any sort of exam down there at all), a blood draw, swabs for DNA, photographs, looking, touching inside, questions. I couldn't say anything when they asked me if I had ever been assaulted before, if there was any sort of police record of anything before. Then stitches. They used local anesthetic, I was glad for and end to the pain but not being able to feel what was going on was terrifying. I was hysterical. Someone working in the hospital (a nurse?) had to keep reminding me to breath the entire time from beginning to end, showing me how to breath, I seriously forgot how. After that my memory of the dream gets kinda fuzzy, I remember at some point being told that I was going to be discharged (sent home) but that's about it. I can feel myself slowly shutting down as I write this. The "be quiet, smile, maybe they'll go away, maybe they won't notice you, attention is bad, stop drawing attention to yourself, don't talk about this." voice is creeping in. I woke up in a sweaty crying panic, dizzy and gasping for breath. It was bad. If I put my nightmares on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst (just the nightmares, not regular/nice/happy dreams) this one would probably be around a 9 and 1/2, an 8 at absolute minimum. This shook me. END TRIGGER. In other news . . . This part is 100% random shit about my day - I grabbed a water cup and took a drink and then saw a live spider floating in the cup . . . as I was drinking. Why must the things that crawl invade my personal space!?! I ended up with some short notice extra work and will probably be getting more in the next few weeks. My day started out shit but I got to end it laughing with the kids I take care of. Also I stuffed Dog's kong toy with peanut butter today < best entertainment ever. If you know what I'm talking about then you know, if you you are like "What the hell is a kong and why would you give a dog peanut butter?" then you have lived a deprived life, all I can tell you is get a dog, get a kong, stuff it with peanut butter, give it to the dog, watch the joy happen. Thought of the day: Wow! Writing this blog entry has been so incredibly unsettling.