Toffa_Mahli

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About Toffa_Mahli

  • Birthday 08/04/1979

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. Why F***ing bother......*sigh*

    I want to quit. Completely. Don't see the damned point in the healing if it means I can never be normal and do normal things again. I really honestly think I am broken. Not mentally, because I've been doing really well on that score, but physically. I've realized mentally that I will survive no matter what and come out better. But since my assault, I literally can not have an orgasm. It just doesn't happen. I've not had a single one. I've tried and there is no body reaction what so ever. I have the urges, which can be hard to accept at times on a bad day, but even on a good day, it's as though my body simply doesn't acknowledge what I am trying to do. It just doesn't react. It's like I'm numb. Not only is it frustrating (for obvious reasons), but it also makes me feel like I am less than a woman in so many ways. How am I ever going to have a healthy relationship if I can't be intimate like I should be? I feel as though I shouldn't even try to have a relationship, because who in their right mind would want someone who is broken like that? Why should I even bother, even if I am lonely? Should I subject someone to that? I feel like I'm not whole and have no right to try to be with someone if I'm broken. I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm not sure whether or not I shouldn't even try. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm afraid I will.
  2. To Whom It May Concern

    To whom it may concern, I know you will never read this, but I offer you these words in absentia. May you recieve all that you deserve in this life, the next and the next. May karma revisit upon you ten times what you have proffered to others. Though I should not wish my pain upon another, I sincerely wish that you feel every wound you have inflicted three fold. The universe has a way of making it's own reparations; though I know that may not see the judgement that you have brought upon yourself, I have faith that my pain has not gone unnoticed. May you learn the lessons that you require. May those lessons be branded upon your soul as I have been branded. May it be ever so.
  3. New Road

    Today I did something new. I joined a gym and I spent two hours doing cardio and strength training. Mind you, I'm overweight, but I've been loosing weight by dieting (30lbs so far). I finally followed my wonderful doctor's advice and started working out. And I did it! I did two hours without pause, which is something I've never been able to do before. Honestly, I haven't felt this good in months! What I did notice, however, was that I was able to channel so much of my anger and frustration out. I popped in earphones and listened to the hardest rock I had on my mp3 player (listening to Nine Inch Nails when I'm upset can actually make me feel better. It's odd). Two hours passed before I realized it. Then something else hit me. I can accomplish so much more than I thought I could. It feels good. Really damn good. I've decided that I am not going to let my assault beat me down. I've been through so much that I've survived, and I'm going to survive that too. I'm going to heal, even though I know it's going to have ups and downs. I'm going to come out on top and I'm going to win. To HELL with him. I'm better than he could ever be. Now...I'll just have to keep telling myself that.
  4. Finally Let it Out

    I finally spoke to one of my roommates about what happened to me. I asked her to speak privately to her and we sat down and I told her everything. She listened quietly and told me that similar had happened to her over ten years ago. We just talked for a while, me bawling and her listening. She didn't give me any platitudes or "it'll be okay". She told me how she dealt with her own. But best of all, she understood and she's willing to keep it quiet until I am ready, if ever, to tell anyone else. I feel better. I feel like I have some of the weight off of my shoulders and now i know that I do have some support in my household. I cried (and I hate crying) and I am going to follow her advice. It's going to be painful. It's going to hurt like hell. I am going to write down on paper everything I can remember. Every detail so it can come out of my subconscious and I can face it head on. Sight, smell...everything. After I do that, I am going to take that paper outside and burn it and let my anger and inner rage turn to ashes instead of bottling it up. Maybe then I can sleep. Maybe I can start healing.
  5. I tend to avoid friends and family. I used to be a cutter, and the urge has hit a few times in the past few months. Am trying to ignore it. I clam up when I am upset because I don't want to be thought of as weak and I hate pity. I tend to brood about things that upset me. I get irritable when people point out that I brood. I refuse to cry even when I think I should be able to. It's that whole weak thing again.
  6. I want me back.

    I wonder if this is a common feeling. I want the old me back. I want that person who had moved on and didn't think about the horrible things in the past. I want the person that refused to let that shape her and defeat her. Where did she go? Was that hard outter shell just an illusion that shattered? I want to be able to sleep with out dreams. I want to be able to wake up in bed and feel at peace, not on the floor wondering how I got there. I want to be happy.
  7. Bad week

    I have not had a good week this week. My moods have been going up and down like crazy and my dreams are still getting to me. Last night was a horrible one. Instead of me being hurt, I watched my daughter being hurt, and then me. I woke up wanting to fight and scream. Today, I've been walking on eggshells because of it. I've been irritable. I hate feeling this way. What's worse, is the fact that I have one man (besides my doctor that I have mentioned in an earlier post) that I have been able to be comfortable around. He's one of my roommates and is married to my best friend. He's a great guy, I love him dearly (in a platonic sense) and is protective. He doesn't know what has happened. I can't tell him. We used to be able to play around and rough house. It was okay; it didn't trigger anything. Until last Sunday that is. I was in a good mood and we were poking each other while watching the morning news, doing our normal bit of playfully annoying each other. It was fine until he playfully tackled me and I panicked. I screamed for him to get off of me, and he jumped back, asking what he had done and if I was okay. I got up and lied my ass off. I told him my shoulder had gotten pulled and I was alright. I then made some sort of excuse ( I think it was that I had to go to the bathroom) and left. I guess he bought it, and he didn't mention it again and I stayed in the bathroom for a while so I could calm down. Now, I get nervous if he gets near me. I have been able to hide it for the most part, but mostly I've avoided being alone with him unless I have to. When I have to be, it feels as though my heart is about to burst out of my chest. He looked at me today and said that he wished I would smile. All I could say was that I've not been sleeping well, which is the truth. I'm really hoping this goes away. I don't like being afraid of my friend.
  8. The Value of a Good Doctor

    I've been trying to make my life better and so have been working with my doctor to lose weight and get healthy. I knew when I first spoke to him about my weight that I wanted to make a change and needed help to do it. I'm lucky in the fact that I have a wonderful, sincere personal physician. He is also one of the few men I actually trust anymore. I went in today because I have a check up every month to monitor my weight loss and make sure I am doing losing in a healthy manner (So far I have lost a total of forty pounds). He's observant and noticed the fact that I look more tired than usual and asked if everything was okay with me. I admitted that I have been having trouble sleeping (nightmares). I did tell him that it was nightmares. I felt like I was just about to start bawling, so I asked him if I could speak privately to him. His nurse, who usually accompanies him, didn't even blink an eye; she just stepped out and he sat down. I broke; I blabbered; I cried. I didn't give gory details, because I couldn't bring myself to, but I didn't need to. Most people with start with platitudes and offer hugs, that sort of thing. He just listened, which I appreciated and he didn't attempt to violate personal space. Instead of rushing me through an appointment, he sat and spoke with me. I won't go into detail, but he could relate with what has happened to me. He did of course recommend therapy, but also acknowledged that it's hard to speak and trust to someone who has not been through what you're needing help with. He then told me that he respected me because I've recently gotten a promotion and kept up with my weight loss. I hadn't let this destroy me. He was proud of all the positives I had accomplished despite the obstacles and he respected my strength of character. For once I didn't mind being told how "strong" I was being. He also recommended a more holistic method of helping me sleep because I told him straight away that I do not like sleeping aids. Apparently he does not either and for the issue I have, many sleeping aids can actually cause hallucinations and make nightmares worse. He recommended going to the herbal shop we have near by and getting 3mg melatonin supplements (it's the same thing in turkey and milk that makes you sleepy). It's harmless and nonaddictive. I'm going to try it. I left the appointment feeling so much better than I have in two months. I felt better about myself and what I have accomplished. Thank you Doctor.