aloneinthisworld

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About aloneinthisworld

  • Birthday 12/06/1985

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Singing, Watching movies, Reading books, Playing with animals, Hanging out with friends and family
  1. Bad News Never Ends!

    Well... about a week ago, we started having a good bit of snow where I live. And the day we got a lot of snow.... that's the day my 4 1/2 month old nephew started getting seizures. My sister had to drive out in the middle of the storm to get him to the ER. All the main roads to the hospital were shut down due to the fact the roads were so bad, so she actually had to call an ambulance to come get them where they were stuck at. It took almost 1 1/2 hours to get my nephew to the hospital that night. Ever since, he's been having seizures everyday. My sister has taken my nephew to 2 other ER's since then because almost everytime my nephew has these seizures there are more and more symptoms. As of last night, my nephew is at the hospital again.. but this time they are doing a 24 hour EEG... FINALLY! That's what we have been waiting on. This should help give us some understanding of why he is having seizures, what kind of seizures they are and if the seizures had produced any brain damage. I am terrified that there will be damage due to the fact that everytime we took my nephew to the ER, they sent him home b/c it wasn't an "emergency" because he wasn't turning blue in the face and because the seizures were not lasting very long. I feel like every doctor we have seen just didn't care because my sister's insurance is through the state so it's not that good. We even had one Neurologist call down to our room... not even come into the ER room, and said there was nothing they could do because it was not an emergency and to call that Neurology dep the next day.. which we did, and they wouldn't set up an apt because they would not accept her insurance. So fustrating! If this child was a doctor's child, they would be finding out what is going on ASAP! And Aniamls get better and quicker treatment and answers than this! So, as of right now I know that the EEG so far as shown one minor seizure.. that was about a quater way through the test... I just keep hoping and praying that the EEG will show all that we need to know to figure out what to do about these seizures. Crossing my Fingers and really disapointed in all the doctors that we have seen! They should all be ashamed! Not wanting to help a child just because of the type of insurance! HORRIBLE!!!
  2. I did tell my boyfriend what you suggested and turns out.. you were right. He felt horrible about it all and brought me home flowers and took me out for sushi and I got a back rub out of the whole ordeal. Turns out that he just didn't really know what to say to me, and he didn't mean what actually came out of his mouth that night. He now realizes that I need him more than ever and seems to be more understanding of the situtation now. Thanks So Much!
  3. So Mad

    So I've talked to my boyfriend about my entire past. I was tell him 2 nights ago that sometimes I just felt like I wanted to get up and move far far away and start off new. Somewhere where no one knows me or my past. I just feel like my past was too publized where I live now b/c it's been on the TV after court in 2008 and stuff. And he was telling me that moving away would not make things any easier and stuff. Which, I'm not sure if he is right or not. I can't tell you how much I truely wish that I had the money to just get up and move. It might make it better for me mentally more than anything. I'll have a lot of things that I stress about now just go away. But anyways, back to my story.. then after we got done talking about the whole moving thing, I started talking about the things about my past that really bother me b/c that is what made me bring up the whole moving topic. And he just looked at me and said, "It could have been worse!" I was so angry at him for saying that. The rest of the night and all day yesterday I didn't talk to him. I called my sister and I went over to her place all day yesterday. I work from home and my best friend's car broke so I let her borrow mine because she has 2 kids and I rarely use my car anyways, so my boyfriend was suppose to pick me up yesterday evening at my sister's house. Well, he went to the bar and go drunk I suppose b/c I wasn't talking to him. He know that I was upset and angry and I told him that it was about our converstaion 2 nights ago and that what he said was F**ked up. So anyways, he never came and picked me up. We both had to get up early this morning for work and it took me over an hour to get a hold of him finally to pick me up. We didn't get home this morning until almost 2am! My sister would have droven me home, but I didn't have my house keys to get in and that's why I needed my boyfriend to pick me up. I'm still upset at what he said to me. And now I'm really upset that he forgot me at my sister's. The very first time I told my boyfriend about my past he said exactly what I needed him to say, "Are you Ok" "Can I do anything to make it better" "You can always talk to me, I'm here" stuff like that... but ever since after that conversation and bring things up that I need to talk about, he totally ignores it and thinks its not a big deal. I can not live my life like this right now... I need support and I need it from the person that I'm closest to.
  4. Thank you so much!!
  5. Therapy Needed!

    I have been struggling with a lot of issues and I'm trying to get myself into Therapy but I have been having a hard time finding any kind of Therapy that will work with my working schedule. The problem is that I work Mon-Fri 7am to 6pm. There is no way that I can get out of work to go to Therapy. Anyone know any Therapy that I could go to dealing with Sexual and Physical Abuse from Childhood to Adulthood that works on the weekends in Maryland? I also need a Therapist that is willing to work on a sliding scale due to finacial issues and the Therapist MUST be female! Anyone with any leads, please let me know!!! Thank you all!!
  6. Struggling with life and money issues

    So I'm new here and this is my very first blog. I'm just like almost everyone else on here struggling with finances and issues along with my past. I've been a victom of every abuse there is in the book pretty much since I was born, along with being a rape victom since I was 15 until I was 21. I have a lot of problems with dealing with my past, more recently then ever. I'm not quite sure why all of the sudden I've had more issues with my past maybe its because I'm starting to remember more and more or maybe its because the topic has been brought up by others more recently.. not too sure, but what I am sure about is how much of a difference my mood has been when my past has been on my mind. I get depressed about it and angry all at the same time. I snap at everyone and I'm just in an overall horrible mood. Some people don't even have to bring up what happend to me either, they could be talking about what happen to someone else or something that was on the news, and it still brings back flash backs, memeories and nightmares. I'm trying to get myself into therapy but there is a schedule conflict, so we're decussing back and forth a way to work this out. The place is called Turn Around.. they specifically deal with people that have been abused like all of us. I've talked to two people on the phone about getting therapy at Turn Around, they could not have been more understanding and very pleasent to talk to. So, I can not wait until I can start therapy to start the healing process. So with finances, I was served court papers two days ago saying that I am getting sued for a credit card that has not been paid off. The thing was, I tried to make monthly payments on this and the creditor refused to take what I have offered to pay because they kept saying it wasn't enough. They wanted me to pay nine hundred and some dollars for two months and there was NO way I could afford that! I tried to explain that I was paying off other credit cards plus making my monthly payments on car and insurance just to get myself back and forth to work plus gas, and my work checks were not that much. The creditor hung up on me 3 times within one day and even though I called right back all 3 times, they still refused to take what I had offered to pay and now I have court papers.. so I'm not happy about that, although I am going to try and fight it at court. I also got put in a lot of debt since I was 21. I had been evicted from my apartment due to my ex-boyfriend not paying the rent that I gave him money for while I was in the hospital for appendicitis. He blew the money and never paid rent so when I got home from the hospital, there was an eviction notice on my door and he also opened up 10 credit cards in my name online and maxed them all out before I even knew about them so I've been struggling to pay them all off. I only have 2 more to go, including the one that I just got court papers from. So, even though it has taken me years to pay them all off, I still thought I was doing pretty well paying off what I have so far.. especially since all the credit cards that were opened up were all over twenty five hundred dollars. I am a workaholic... I work all the time, always more than one full time job. Right now I work 2 full time jobs. Just trying to keep up with paying off my bills that I owe.. I have a lot of medical bills too b/c I have gotten really sick since I was 19 and all the tests showed nothing well as of the end of last year, they finally figured it out but now I have so many medical bills on top of everything else I have to worry about as well. It just seems like I can never catch a break. I can't afford a vacation, I can't afford to buy myself things, I can't afford anything and I work so hard! I keep on praying and trying to stay strong about everything but day by day, I can feel myself getting tired and runned down with all the bad things in my life. Always things on my mind, my mind is running constantly, never resting. I worry about what my future holds for me b/c I can't afford to go to College (even though I want to) so I'm stuck working crappy jobs and more than just one job at a time. I need a break! I know a lot of you are going through the same things, I just needed to vent about it. Thanks for listening!!
  7. Well, the only advice that I can give you is you think that it will be harder for you just to come out. I thought that since I was 12 until I was 21. I finally came out and it was very hard but if you pull through it and stay strong, your life will change! you will feel as if you have won the battle and you will make yourself stronger this way. Everyone will understand why your having a hard time with school and "acting out" the way that you are. And if people in your life do not understand and are upset with you, then you need to space yourself from those people. I've been there, my whole family turned their back on my sister and I when we came out, court was horrible and I almost had a nervious breakdown, I'm not going to lie to you it is not easy. But the after math of it all, I feel stronger, I know that my sister and I story has been herd. I feel as though even thought I went through everything that I did, I have won the battle. I'm the reason this is no longer happing to my sister and me. I'm the reason that our story was heard, I'm the reason that this has stopped and I'm the reason that I'm starting to heal. And trust me, you'll feel the same way! You have to think about what the future holds for you and you remain to keep this all a secret, what do you think your future will hold? I sure do hope you the best and I sure do hope that you get all the help and support that you need! I've personally been throught every possible thing that you could think of as far as abuse, to comeing out with the police, to court to everything. If you ever need to just talk and have any questions please feel free to write me!
  8. SOS

    This is aweful! I have been there before. Its horrible to have to wonder everyday if you'll have electic or if you will get evictived from your house, how your going to eat. Here are some tips that have helped me when I needed it the most too. Yard sale, anything that you can afford to get rid of or things you don't want, try to sell them. I have gotten a lot of money by selling the things that I didn't need anymore. You'll be surprised! Apply for electrical assistance with your electric bill. I'm not sure if the food assistance was just in your daughters name, but you can apply for food assistance as well beings that your daughters is suspended. They may just end hers and you may be able to start getting food assistance in your own name and that way you won't have to deal with that being suspended. Try calling and talking to customer service about the bills that you can not afford right now. They may be able to help you with a payment plan. Most places are understanding and as long as your paying something on the bill, its normally not an issue, this will not look good for your credit though but if your in desprate need, then you do what you have to do. I've done this a few times myself. Or, worst comes to worst you can try to get a loan online but if you do this, be VERY careful as most online loans are SCAMS! I sure hope that this has helped. Keep your head up and stay strong!!!
  9. Wow! That is such a burden for you to have to feel responsible! But you are NOT!!! Through my past, I was the one to come forward with the police when I was 13. You know what happend with the abuser? Nothing! He got off with everything and everyone thought that I was a liar. After I reported everything to the poilce and nothing happend, he was at it again hurting myself and others. And trust me, I felt aweful that he (the abuser) was not punshed for it and I felt that it was my fault that he was able to continue to hurt myself and someone dear to me... my sister. I blamed myself wondering why my story was not believed, wondering what I did wrong. It is not your fault! Even if you were to report what had happend, who is to say that anything would have come of this reporting? He could have gotten off free just like my abuser did. So please, do NOT feel that this is your fault, because it is NOT! And by the way, there is nothing that you or another victom could do to have an abuser abuse just you. You are NOT the problem, the abuser is! Don't ever feel that you did this to yourself b/c you brought the worst out in him! You do not give yourself enough credit! No matter how you treat someone, even if it is horrible... this should never happen to anyone! And I felt that way for the longest time too.. that I brought this on myself. NOT TRUE! You are worth more than that, and you deserve better than that and you also deserve to give yourself a lot more credit than you do!! You are a stronger person to not advoid the whole topic with this other lady. You reached out to help her!! Your not only helping her through this mess now by having to relate to what happend and be there for her, but you also are making yourself stronger by being able to talk about it with her! Good luck and start giving yourself more credit! YOUR A STRONG PERSON AND REMEMBER, YOUR HELPING OTHER PEOPLE THROUGH THIS HORRIBLE MESS THAT YOU HAD WENT THROUGH TOO!! THAT TAKES A LOT, FOR PEOPLE TO DO THAT!
  10. I know that I personally try and block out the memories. Then when I want to remember what happend so I can talk about it, sometimes I really just can't remember. There is a name for it. It's under the DID disorder. It's DID-Amensia, our brains tend to block out memories that we can't handle remembering.. there is more on this if you google it. I just looked it up yesterday. I'm pretty sure I have it. It you suffer from PTSD, you more then likely have this as well if you have a hard time remembering memories. Something you can do is try and keep a diary or something like that and everytime you have a new memory, just write it down so you will never forget it... that is if you want to try and remember things to talk about it. Eventually, you'll get the whole memory. But I agree, take it one step at a time. Don't push yourself to remember everything, our brains have blocked theses memories out for a reason. So, unless your talking with a therapest, please be careful!! Sorry about the spelling, not one of my strongest!
  11. Sakura, Hello, my name is Dani and I am new here but I wanted to reply to your concern. I've had the same thing happen to me when I was 13 until I was 17. I use to have the worst temper and I would yell and scream at my mom all the time, I would go to my room and throw and break things. I finally figured out that the anger was coming from my guilt that I felt because of my whole past, that and that fact that I blamed my mom too was another reason I was taking most of my anger out on her. I finally went to the doctor one day and they had but me on depression medication for a while and that had actually helped me. But, be very careful about depression medication, it has horrible side effects to people 18 and younger. So, if medication is the direction that you want to go, make sure you keep all your doctor apointments and keep monitored... this is very important. I decided that I didn't want to keep paying just to say my doctor was Ok so I stopped going to my doctors and one day I woke up and I was having thoughts of sudicide. I took myself to the hospital and to find out, this was a side effect for the depression medication. I don't take depression medication anymore, I find things that calm me down and make me happy and that is how I deal with anger issues now. Another idea is to get a box and cut out pictures of things that make you happy. Everytime you feel really anger, look into that box and see if that helps you. Good luck and I sure hope the advice has helped!!! -Dani