Angel_Wings

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About Angel_Wings

  • Birthday 04/07/1992

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Journaling, Reading, Painting, Drawing
  1. I can relate. Not much on words right now, sorry. sits with you if okay.
  2. Dear Erick

    There are so so so many things I want to tell you. You already know them anyway being in heaven or the summerlands or whatever nice place everything and everybody goes when they pass beyond the veil. But that's beside the point. I miss the talking part. I miss the you part. But if we could sit down and have one of our long conversations I'd talk about all sorts of stuff. Like how Emily finally finally finally has a boyfriend. Both of us and Trevor knew that Mike was sweet on her. Well, into her. Really into her. It was just hard for all of us to tell how Emily was taking it. Oh but when we double dated on Wednsday--Trevor and I watched them hold hands for the first time in public. They held hands a LOT. and snuggled. and hugged. and touched. Trevor and I had competition lol. we had to snuggle just to keep up. Even though you'd roll your eyes at my mushy stuff I'd tell you how we went to Mike's apartment--my first time going there. And you'd congratulate me on keeping that tidbit from my controlling overbearing parents. And I'd tell you how we all four of us were in a heap on his couch and we watched "It's Complicated." And how I was okay with Trevor giving me little rubs and stroking my leg. I'd tell you how I'm able to sit on his lap and not even trigger once. I'd tell you how I feel so so so safe around Trevor because I know that he's not like my brother. I'd tell you how I'm so darn happy with Trevor. But I'd also admit to you how afraid that I am of losing him. See, because you killed yourself, it really makes me look around at everyone I love (which is few because I can't trust ppl or talk to them very well) and wonder who's next. It made me realize that anybody around me could die. From a car accident or getting sick or whatever. But i'm not just afraid that Trevor will die. I might lose him by him going after another girl. Or that...well, Trevor dreams so big. He's going to live in Oregon and go around the world and work with animals and climb mountains and go to rainforests and well everything. His dreams are so huge that I wonder if I could ever fit in them. I know that neither of us are ready to decide like...marriage or being sure that the other is the really truly and honestly the right one for us. But, Erick, I can't ever see me with another guy. Starting over from scratch like that. Because Trevor is the only one that knows me. All of me. And loves me the more for it. He loves my faults, my strengths, me. He accepts all of me as it is. And I feel the same way about him. ....When people find another person like that...doesn't that mean somethin? Even tho i'm not ready for marriage...on some level I feel that he's the right guy for me. And that terrifies me. Like a lot of things. I'd tell you how I'm trying to face my fears. Cuz what i've been doing anytime i have a flashback or a trigger, i just ...freak out and try to make it away anyway I can. And...it hasn't worked. They keep comin back. I think I have to acknowlege them, feel them, and let them go. But that's so scary. I don't know if i can. It's not fair Erick. That this happened to me. That I have to deal with all this crap. Guess I'm a real whiner. And I'd also tell you how I got really brave. I was feeling pretty good, so I decided to look at our emails. We mostly chatted online so there weren't a lot of them. But one of our chats was emailed to me. Cuz I guess I logged out and it sent me the unread messages...well, it sent me the whole thing actually. It was last fall. And we were talking about your college classes. And you typed me "This. Place. Shall. Be. The. Death. Of. Me." .... I know you were joking. At least you were joking about it in the fall. Or at least I really think you were joking at that time. Cuz we were loling and kidding around about how hard your classes were. Regardles..I typed you back. "Don't say that. I need you." I meant it. I still need you. I'd tell you that I'm still mad at you for killing yourself over a failed physics test. I'd tell you that the only way I can get through the days knowing that you're not in this world with me, is because you visit me in my dreams and the fact that you would want me to be as happy as possible. But I'd tell you that I miss you several times a day every single darn day. With Love, Cathy
  3. Sitting with you.
  4. I'm glad you're writing about what's on your mind. I don't think you should believe that. It's also not in your control what other people do and if other people haven't supported you in the past, it's because they weren't right for you. You will find someone constant that is good. I believe that. I don't believe you are ugly. What has happened to you is ugly. The abuse is ugly. But you, YOU are not ugly. Shyness can be overcome and you're not boring. And having a hard time opening up isn't a bad quality. Opening up is hard for a LOT of people. Take your time. You will talk when you're ready.
  5. I'm glad you're sharing this
  6. Sitting with you if okay.
  7. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble. I don't think you're dumb. Classes can be overwhelming with everything else going on. I don't think you're stupid. Grades are not the only measure of intelligence and in no way are they the best measurement.
  8. sits with you if okay. I don't wish you were dead. I'm very glad that you're alive. My best friend chose to die. I don't want you to choose that. I think the happy and funny girl is still in you. Just a little different now. But not gone. She's never gone.
  9. I don't think it was right of him to have sex with you even though you said you were triggered. He overstepped your boundaries. You don't have to add "and it's not going to change." Shaking your head if you can't find the words or just saying no is all you need.
  10. Don't be so hard on yourself. This isn't something instant that you can get over... It's hard and it stays with you. So please take gentle care.
  11. Trying to figure this out

    Good reasons to get a Job: build my confidence get used to talking to people (my boyfriend is always insisting I need this...he might be right) may make friends make me more self reliant save up money for moving out may make me happier be around my brother (abuser) less have my parents get used to having me around less show my parents that I'm responsible will have real work experience for when I'm done with college Not so great reasons to get a Job: My parents may get mad at me might wear me out may have less time for homework may have less time for friends/boyfriend might have to deal with mean people
  12. I hope that this feeling passes quickly for you. *sits with you if okay*
  13. thank you
  14. Thank you
  15. Help: Moving Out vs Staying

    Please do read this. I know it's long but...please comment. I need advice or something. anything. I'm trying to figure this out. And make sense of the senseless. This is rather complicated for me. It's not just black and white good and bad here. I still live with my abuser--my brother. I told my mom who went and told my dad about the SA that had been going on for twelve years in December. And they kept asking me what I wanted them to do. At that time, I didn't know. But I wanted them to do SOMETHING. I mean when I was growing up and a teacher said something unkind to me--they'd be up there early in the morning getting in that teacher's face. How dare they hurt their daughter. I thought they'd have the same kind of reaction. Instead they told me that if Michael tried anything I was just to yell "NO" really loud (The same advice you give to five year olds against strangers...Yeah just how effective is that against an older brother who waits until your parents aren't around and begs and pleads with you to give him what he wants and makes you feel like you're the sick freak if you don't.) and they asked me if they got Michael to stop talking to me would that help? I said yes. Because I didn't know what else to do. My friends--who supported me in telling my parents could not believe they didn't do more. We all thought my parents would HELP me. They didn't. Not really. Michael didn't stop talking to me. He did for a while but it didn't last long. How can you avoid someone when you live in the same house with them? Yes the abuse has stopped. If he tries ANYTHING--I'm leaving. I'll have to. But it still HURTS. and it hurts seeing him. Being around him. And a part of me wants to try to be friends with him--to be a normal brother and sister. Especially when he's nice to me. He's only nice when he wants something--used to be the molesting and now it's forgiveness or to make him not feel guilty or whatever goes through his twisted mind. And we can't be normal. Ever. It wasn't till later that I found out what I wanted my parents to do. I wanted them to hate him. I wanted them to see him truly as the monster that he is. I wanted them to kick him out of this house. But they didn't. Because they still love him. He's perfectly nice and kind to everyone but ME. And they still love him even after I told them. By letting him stay I feel like they chose his feelings over mine. Surely good parents wouldn't let their son who had hurt their daughter for so long stay. Not when he was 25. Not when they could find him an apartment nearby. Or something. They could still love him I guess but not...not ask their daughter to be around that. I'm 19 years old. I haven't up and left this place because my parents are overprotective. 19 years old to them is too young to move out. I should live with them until I'm done with college. And I stay because I want to maintain a connection with them. If I left they wouldn't understand why I need to leave. They wouldn't want me to. They'd try to talk me out of it. They might even hate me. I don't have a job--they won't let me. I'm on their money and I'm under their rules. I didn't want to leave in December because I was so scared of the world. My family has caused me to be scared. Of everything. My brothers with the SA and my parents with their own fears. A month ago Michael threatend to take my hardrive with my game installed on it away. So that I couldn't play it. Because I wasn't being as nice to him as he would've liked. I went to my mom and told her about this. He was doing it to get what he wanted. This was his punishment to me. To prove that he was bigger and stronger and smarter. That he was right I was wrong and there was nothing I could do about it. I told her I hated him. I told her that her advice of saying "NO" was really stupid. I told her if he did try to touch me--I was leaving. I told her when I did move out I didn't want anything to do with Michael. Ever again. I wasn't going to have any relationship after I moved out. No talking no visits no nothing. I told her that it was hard watching her and dad treat him like the prodigal son. She said "I just had no idea" I told you in December about the abuse. How the hell can you have no idea of what I feel? How can you not think that I'm not having issues because of what he did to me? She ended up talking to him. To which he laughed and told her that he was just fooling around. He was just trying to see how addicted I was to the game--how long it'd take me to run to mom and tell her. He wasn't seriously going to do it. .......Michael always always always lies. I KNOW better. I KNOW him. She doesn't. She believed him. Nothing else changed. I chose to stay cuz I was scared to leave. I thought that being on my own was a lot harder than living here and dealing with this. Waking up alone with no one in an apartment in the middle of the night from a nightmare would be awful. At least here if I do that i have the comfort of my parents in the next room. At least here I don't have to worry about somebody breaking in. I don't have to worry about a job or paying bills or how to cook or how I'm going to get clean clothes for the week. I thought that moving out would be more of a hell than it is here. A few days ago something caused me to reevaluate that assumption. I was in the swimming pool at my dad's friends house. My dad and that family were sitting in lawn chairs right next to the pool watching to make sure nobody drowned or fought or whatever. So I thought that swimming with my brothers would be okay since they couldn't give me trouble w/ ppl around. I was wrong. My brothers started tossing a football to each other in the pool. They weren't talking. And Nathan (he SA'd me til I was 13 but only because of Michael. Michael is the oldest. He influenced Nathan. I got Nathan to stop. He wouldn't have done it if Michael hadn't been there. So I don't blame him as much as I do Michael. I didn't get Michael to stop until I went to my parents at 18.) Nathan tried to be nice to me and include me in this game. So he started throwing the ball to me. And for Nathan I played. The game started to go downhill. Michael particularly liked throwing the ball hard at my face. Or making it spin and splash me. And laughing. One would think that I'd take this as a sign to get the heck out but noooo. I'm pretty stupid. And I thought it'd be okay. The ball went out of the pool several times. And I'd climb out and get it and jump back in. I didn't mind because it was working my arm muscles and the jumping part I liked. But after a while I was getting tired. The ball went out but didn't roll far. So I just leaned over the side of the pool and grabbed it. I was wearing a one piece. And I know that thing covers my butt. It didn't ride up or anything. But my brothers stared openly while my back was turned anyway. both of them hoot and laugh. Michael says that he should take a picture of that and put it as a wallpaper on his fb page. He said he could take other pictures of me in other (and I quote) compromising positions. Even though I was wearing a bathing suit, I might as well have been standing naked in front of them...again. It brought back all the old feelings. And I felt like a whore. And a slut. And dirty and bad and wrong. I didn't tell my parents because they'd go to Michael and he'd tell them it was just a joke. And that I was overreacting. And they'd probably believe him. And that he'd say it was my fault for leaning over the edge of the pool anyway. Is it really best for me to stay here in a place where he can say those things to me? How he can bring me down so hard and far by just a couple sentences? Where he reminds me of the past? Where he's a walking talking trigger? Is it really good for me to stay here where my parents aren't there for me? where I don't feel like they understand me? Whtere I don't feel like i can talk to them about this? Where I feel like the ppl in my family love me too much or not at all? What am I waiting for? To have a fight with my parents? For Micahel to say or do something worse? To hurt more? Shouldn't I get out while the getting is still good? Is living by myself really looking so bad? Would it really be so bad to deal with all the problems that come with moving out than deal with this? Than be subjected to this bull@#%*? I wanted to maintain a connection to my parents. What connection? The connection where they don't get me and won't let me go out with my friends--which is what i NEED to do. Where they won't let me go an hour away with my friends from where I live because that's "too far"? Where they won't let me go to a sleepover at my friend's house who is a girl even though I am 19 years old? Is this really what's best for me? Can I go through another year of putting up with Michael and Nathan and my parents? Can I really do that to myself? And if they refuse to help me move out--or support me in that way. I'd have to go to my bf's house, turn to his parents. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to rely on them. They have enough worries without throwing taking care of me into the mix. I am not a part of their family and I don't belong there. I feel safe there. But...that's asking a lot. I don't feel right about doing that. I don't want to be one of my friend's roommates--I'm not comftorble with that idea. I don't know... And if my parents do kick Michael out--I'd still have to deal with their rules. And I'd feel like they'd hate me. For causing him to leave. It'd my fault for ruining our perfect happy family mirage that they want to keep up. I just know that what I'm doing now sucks. Terribly. Hurts. And I'm beginning to seriously doubt that this is what's best for me.