~Meg~

Contributing Member
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    320
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About ~Meg~

  • Rank
    Raise your voice every single time they try and shut your mouth
  • Birthday 03/21/1977

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    http://

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Michigan
  • Interests
    Writing, reading, camping, horseback riding, yoga, art, traveling, enjoying time with my husband, daughter and wonderful friends!
  1. Hello all! I know it's been forever since I've been on. I just needed a little break, nothing personal! Anyways, I am posting because of the upcoming Tori Amos tour. The date for the concert here in Michigan is October 27 (which is a Saturday). My husband & I have tickets & last night I had an idea that I really think could be a good thing. I cleared it first so I knew it was ok to post. The company I work for is a transportation company here in the metro Detroit area, I handle the group division so I book all of our mini bus & motor coach reservations. I get a discount through the company if I use any of the services myself. Well, here's my thought... If anyone is interested I would LOVE to be able to get a Pandy's group together & rent one of the buses to go to the concert & back (we could find some sort of common meeting place) and maybe even dinner before or after the show. Being that I work there I don't have to book it way in advance so I can kind of wait & see how much of a response there is before deciding on what size bus to go with. Also, because I work there I can hand pick the driver & if anyone requests it I definitely CAN make sure it's a female driver. Once I figure out how many people are possibly interested I can calculate how much it would be per person, but once it gets divided out the cost would be very minimal & no one would have to pay parking fees or drive themselves. If anyones friends or significant others are going that is cool with me too, so long as they understand our group that they'll be going with. My husband is a huge supporter of me & anyone else who has been through the kind of hell that we all have & I am sure that all of you have loved ones who are as understanding who may be going to the concert with you. The only thing is you would have to have or get the tickets to the actual concert on your own as they've already been on sale for awhile & we've already gotten ours. That means we won't all be able to sit together but we would be dropped off & picked up at the same spot, be able to ride together & as I said possibly even have a bite to eat before or after. Either way it would give us a chance to meet, to connect with each other, and to share the experience of going to the concert of an extraordinary woman who can relate to us & our experiences. I think that would be very meaningful and make the concert even more special. I know for myself it will be my first time seeing Tori in concert and I am soooooooooooo excited!!! Please let me know, either respond here or PM me, whichever you are more comfortable with. I really hope that people may be interested but if not I totally understand, some people are just not comfortable meeting face to face & that's perfectly ok with me!!! I know it's taken me a long time to be able to get to this point where I'm ok doing this but I feel good about it. I've been wanting to get started in advocating, volunteering, networking, etc. and just more involved in general with helping out others like all of us because it will help them & it will in turn help me. I think this is kind of my first step in doing that. Take care & I look forward to hearing from anyone who wants to respond!
  2. it's been awhile...

    Ok so I haven't posted in forever, I guess I just haven't had it in me to really write lately. I feel like I'm being emotionally pulled in about 80 different directions with all that is going on in life right now. I am not happy, I am sad, I am angry, I am irritated, I am taking everything personally. Work sucks, I was offered a higher position but now it seems they are going in a different direction with it without so much as a word to me to let me know. Then a couple people at work seem to have an attitude problem with me lately, people I used to get along with, maybe I am overreacting and they really don't but I don't know. I hate that place lately. It's like this one person at work, who is very nice & I've always gotten along with gets pissy with me lately because I have become friends with a few of the other girls on my shift and sometimes we all act silly & laugh about crazy stuff & do silly things but hell, we work afternoons, we get all our work done, there is no one there but like 3 or 4 of us & 2 of the guys, and he acts like just cause I'm 29 (which is NOT old) and they are all like 20 or 21 that I shouldn't be acting silly with them & everything that goes on is all my fault & I shouldn't behave that way cause I'm older. Whatever. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to have a bit of fun at the office. Usually he's nice, I don't know what his problem is. I am also not feeling well, physically. I'm having alot of stomach type problems, I don't feel right, I'm downright exhausted, I'm having some symptoms that I know are not healthy & I worry. I don't want to go to the doc cause I don't want to have the kind of exam done that I know they're going to have to do, I know they will have to examine a certain area & I don't think I can handle it. When I was r###d I was r###d in that area as well, if anyone knows what I mean, and I get so freakin' worried that there is some sort of permanent damage in there that was missed before cause I have had these problems off & on since then but I just DO NOT want to get it checked out cause it's TOO triggering. I don't know what the hell to do. I feel like crap lately, I want to just sleep for like the next few weeks & just not talk to or deal with anyone or anything. It has never been this bad before. I mean I've dealt with depression/anxiety for a long time but it has just not been as bad as it is anymore and I guess sometimes my defense with it is to act silly or talk to people & joke around because I don't want to really actually talk about anything, so I use sarcasm as a defense. I don't mean to. I'm not really the rude/sarcastic/crabby/cynical person that I come across as alot. But I don't know how to show it anymore. All I know is I have to keep this wall up, keep this act up that things are fine, and it is getting harder & harder. So what do I do now? I have no freakin' clue. I doubt this made sense. I'm rambling. I don't feel good, I'm tired. Just want things to get better somehow & want to stop taking everything everyone does personally. I feel like if someone is in a bad mood then I'm the reason, I did something wrong, I said something wrong. I just automatically blame myself for everything & figure that I am the reason people get upset & irritated with stuff when they're around me. I hate feeling that way. It's like I want to go back up to work & ask that person what I did, what is wrong, what can I do to fix whatever I did wrong. But who even knows if it has anything to do with me, I just can't help thinking it is my fault though. Like they're all they're now saying how much I irritate them. What the f### is wrong with me??? I am losing it, I see my T on tuesday so I will talk to her then. But till then I gotta just get through this, guess it's some xanax & rest for me.
  3. car accident yesterday...

    Well, I was in a car accident yesterday. Driving down a main road at about 35 to 40 mph, it was really really raining and the girl in front of me put on her breaks to stop, I put mine on, they locked up and I couldn't get enough control to swerve much so I pretty much ran into her. No real damage to my old car, hers is a newer car so her bumper will have to be replaced. The police came, we exchanged all insurance information I went home, she went home. I didn't go to doc or hosp since hubby and everyone said they won't do anything anyway except give me pain meds. I tried to go into work today and stayed about 4 hours till the pain was bugging me too bad. my neck, shoulders, head and low back hurt and were very tight. So I went to hosp, got xrays done, nothing is broken, I have lots of muscle spasm, so they tell me to take motrin & muscle relaxers every 8 hrs. That it should loosen up in a couple days. I hope so cause it is really hurting! I am just glad it wasn't worse and that the other girl seemed to be ok. I felt so bad! I've never been the one at fault in an accident and this time I rearended HER, I felt awful!!! I tried to stop the car and tried to swerve off the road. Well, it's over now. I hope she is ok. We both have insurance so no worries there for either one of us. It scared the hell outta me I must say, and I slammed up against my seatbelt which hurts, am a little bruised from that. It did save me but man it was painful. I couldn't breath for a few after the initial wreck but I think that was cause I was having a panic attack from it. Anyway, just wanted to tell you guys what was going on. I'm nervous to get out there and drive again tomorrow but I have to! Hopefully it won't rain!
  4. Not much new...

    Back to working afternoons, my old job. Hours aren't that great, but I'm WAY less stressed and I'm happier at work now. Things are going ok! Not much else new right now.
  5. Life lately...

    Well, the job is ok. I had taken that promotion, but am NOT happy in that position, it's a lot of stress, not enough money, and it requires me to work with someone who is VERY triggering for me. He isn't someone I knew before or anything, but he looks similar to my attacker, and calls me "baby, and honey, and sweetie" all the time and is also very forceful and demanding when he talks to me too. I am not wanting to cause any big problems at work so I don't want to go tell them that his calling me those things bugs me, and I CAN'T say it to him, it's just to frightening to me, but I just want to go back to looking forward to work every day. So I am going back to my old position, it'll mean going back to a crappy shift, but oh well, my happiness and sanity are not worth good hours and a bit more money. My family may be happy with me on the better hours, but it's not worth it to them either to have me miserable. So, I talked to my manager, she found someone else for the position, and so I'm going back to my old one next week. I cannot WAIT! I did have to call off today. I hadn't been feeling the greatest lately. I had the stomach flu type thing a couple weeks ago, but was better from that. Lately after I eat I have been feeling VERY nauseous, and getting stomach pains. Plus some other not so pleasant symptoms. I wasn't feeling well at all today. Went in to see the doc, found out a couple things that I had suspected, and also I have to have an ultrasound on Monday so they can check my gall bladder. It hurt like hell when she pushed on it, and with the symptoms I've been having they think something may be up with it. Ugh, it'd be nice to not have to feel sick any more but I REALLY also don't want to have surgery for it. I don't know, I'll find out next week though, and if it starts bugging me too bad before then I will go back into the doc or hospital. That's what's going on lately. The anxiety has been kinda bad, I think cause I'm so stressed from other things that it's just triggering the anxiety attacks to happen. Haven't been sleeping the greatest either, even with the ambien. I just have too much going on in my mind right now. Hopefully next week when I get back to my regular job it'll calm down. We'll see. Take care all!
  6. Well, my stepdaughter had a bad stomach bug the other day. She could keep nothing down. Not even water or pedialyte. Now I got it. I woke up this morning when my husband got up for work and have thrown up twice. I hate feeling sick to my stomach. Yuck.
  7. feel like sh#t

    so everyone at my job hates me. I feel like a horrible person. If you're wondering why see my post in "my voice". I am not doing the greatest right now. At least I have T at noon, which is good cause I need to talk to her. I am torn between crying and yelling right now. I don't know. Why can't some things just be good, why can't people just be happy for me when something good comes my way. I would be for them. Oh well, can't do anything about it. Life goes on.
  8. so things at work are going ok. things at home are ok too. my bday was the 21st, it went alright. I made it through seeing my parents, then my husband took me out to dinner with his family which was nice. so my dad gets me his own card for my bday, and it's all sentimental saying stuff like how glad he is to have me for a daughter, and he's always been proud of me, and so on. well that's nice. but maybe a better way of showing me that was NOT to do gross stuff to me when I was a kid. call me crazy but that's just my opinion. i don't know, it just bugged me, i said thank you and stuff but it made me sick at the same time. i'm having a rough time trying to lose some weight too. i get upset, or freaked out, or triggered and then when i'm upset i tend to eat. not sure why, guess it makes me feel better in some wierd way. and since i've been on afternoons i haven't been going to work out. i'm feeling pretty bad about myself. i don't know why my husband wants to be with me. i missed therapy last week, forgot about my appt, left a msg tonight to set up a new one with my t. hoping she calls soon, i just need to talk about all this crap. but at the same time i don't want to. well, that's what's going on for now, don't really know what else to say right now.
  9. ok, well today went pretty good. I had lunch with a friend, which was good! Then work. yay, same old same old. we were really busy tonight though. I, however, am feeling like a b##ch. The reason being is that my boss offered me a promotion the other day. It will be more money, a better shift, and a higher position. I did accept, and am very excited about it. She hasn't announced it to the department yet, but that will probably be happening soon. I am expecting to start the new position in a couple weeks. I have only been at the job for a little over a month. The people I work with have been there like two years, and I get along with them really well and I have become friends with the others on the night shift. I do have more experience in this industry than they do, but I still feel bad & guilty. I am worried about when it does get announced that they will be angry or upset and there will be hard feelings. I will be moving to a day shift but will still see them for a couple hours each day. I still want to remain friends with them, and they have been great to me since I've been there. I know that I am doing the right thing for myself and for my family by taking the position, and I think I can do the company a lot of good. It would be stupid to turn it down, and if one of them were offered it I know they'd take it. I'm just worried cause here I am, have been there one month, and bam, I'm promoted. It's just making me kinda uncomfortable, and I had to work tonight and all next week with them, I can't say anything to them about it till my boss announces it and so I just feel worse and worse everytime I see them. Then tonight they're telling me how they're glad I came to work there, and they feel like I've just been there forever. Oh boy. What the heck am I gonna do?
  10. Doing alright...

    Well, things are ok right now. I'm liking the job, finances look better, I'm over the bronchitis. I've been having alot of panic attacks lately. I still can't deal with my parents. I know they know somethings up, I can hardly even talk to them and haven't seen them in like a month or so. I know I will have to see them next week as next tuesday is my bday. Not looking forward to that aspect of it. Therapy is going ok. I'm trying. I really am. Trying not to isolate myself from all my friends like I usually do. I don't know. I wish I had more to say right now but I just don't. I get like that sometimes, where I just can't talk. Guess I'm at one of those points right now.
  11. Bronchitis, yay...

    I have not been on cause I've been sick! I went to the ER the other night cause it hurt my chest so bad to breathe and talk. Turns out I have bad bronchitis and also the cartilage around my ribs is inflamed due to coughing so much. They gave me a breathing treatment and antibiotics and cough medicine. I slept all day yesterday. Today I'm feeling a bit better and I may try to go into work tonight. We'll see. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm not trying to ignore pandy's, I've just been feeling like crap!
  12. I can't handle this...

    I am sooooooooooo upset right now. I can't even explain it. I'm sad, mad, scared, everything all at once. I don't even want to go into it. All I can say is I ran across someones name at work tonight that brought back a whole lot of emotions from when I was r***d. I can't even begin to tell you all how much it affected me. I feel like I've done something wrong. I hate this. My chest hurts. I just got home. I don't know what the hell to do, I wish I'd never seen that persons name again although without that person I would not be sitting here today. Why is it that when something so horrible happens (he is the one who saved my life that day from the son of a bitch that did this to me) instead of bringing people closer together it just tears them apart?! I don't know what else to say. I'm freaking the hell out right now. That's all I can say.
  13. Just kinda here...

    So, things with the new job are going really good. I'm on afternoons though, and that is hard to get used to, even though I'm usually up late anyway I get pretty tired now at about 10 or so and I have to work till midnight. But, the pay is nice, the job is good, the people I work with are really nice, so I really can't complain. Other than being totally wiped out lately, things are ok. My T has been on vacation so I haven't seen her in awhile. It's been both a nice break, and a bit of a stressful one. It has been nice to not really have to talk about things lately but then there have been times when I've had a nightmare or a bad panic attack and I could've used an appointment with her. I'm calling tomorrow though to set up an appt cause she called me tonight to let me know she's back in town. Well just wanted to write a quick update. Hope everyone has been doing ok, I wanted to be on here more lately but I've been too sleepy. Talk to you all later. -Stormy
  14. Well, the new job is going GREAT! I really like it. I've gotten alot of hours in this week, so the paycheck will be NICE! It's a good change, and has done wonders for my mood and self esteem to be out there working and feeling productive again! I've been doing ok with the flashbacks and anxiety. It was going really well, no panic attacks, no nightmares, then today my parents came down and we had to spend the afternoon with them till I went into work. Well, seeing my dad, and even my mom, triggered me more than I thought. I didn't want them near me, especially my dad, I didn't want him near my stepdaughter. My husband was uncomfortable, but I had to pretend like nothing was wrong. Well, I didn't have to, but it's easier on me right now. So I have felt pretty anxious all night. Work went ok but then I just kept having the start of a panic attack, thankfully it never completely went into one. Then walking into my building when I got home from work, all I was doing was looking over my shoulder, for whatever reason sure I was going to see the man who r**ed me. I was literally scared. I am home now. I am feeling a bit safer. But today just triggered alot of things more than I thought it would. Going to take an anxiety pill in a few and try to lay down but I am just feeling very on edge and icky. I have the next couple days off though so that'll be good, I can kind of get my head back on straight. I don't know, I have a feeling it's going to be like this every time I see my parents, or at least my father. But if I don't see them sometimes they will know something is wrong and I CANNOT confront them, either of them, about the CSA memories, I'm just not ready for that whether my T likes it or not! I don't know, anyway I am going to go try and just calm down enough to get some sleep.
  15. Feeling better....

    Well, sorry for the pity party I threw myself on my last entry. It was just NOT a good day. Today is better, my husband and I are fine, we talked about alot of stuff last night. It's rainy here, got to sleep in and listen to the rain, which is calming for me. And here's some more good news, I GOT A BETTER NEW JOB! This stinks in a way cause now I have to leave the other one I just started but hey, 6 hours a week is just not cutting it. This one is about 32 hours a week, I start next wednesday, it's in a field I have alot of experience in, and I went in for the interview yesterday morning and it went GREAT. The lady just talked to me about my previous experience with this and when I told her all about it she just looked at me and said "I'd be crazy not to take you" and hired me on the spot! I can't even believe it happened and that it went that well, I have NEVER had an interview go like this! So I am very excited and finally have a job that will REALLY be able to help us out financially, not just some 6 hour a week barely pay for gas job. It has helped my self esteem alot too, her being that excited about hiring me! So, this weekend is just gonna be kind of quiet. We're having people over for the super bowl here on sunday, and the super bowl is HERE in detroit so I'm not driving ANYWHERE near downtown or even the surrounding areas because it is already crazy! I had bad nightmares the other night, but last night was ok. Those are pretty hard to get past. They bug me for a long time after I wake up. The ambien has helped with them, but that one was pretty bad. At least right now though I'm not feeling so triggered. I know, I am just writing random things, in no particular order, that really have nothing to do with each other. Sorry! I tend to do that sometimes. Well, I am going to grab another cup of coffee and just relax a bit more. Hope everyone is doing ok! Take care! -Stormy