katrina1

Inactive Member
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About katrina1

  • Birthday 11/15/1994

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. wat do u mean a belief system? and i now i keep waking up scaed at night.
  2. idk wat to do

    On friday i saw chris. The guy who raped me last year. I culdnt belive he was less then 30 feet away from me. It was lik 3 am cuz i ent shopping al night cuz of black friday. He looked over at me. He knew it was me. He kept smiling. He started walking up to me. I ran to my sister and told her i was going to the car. I locked myself in the car. I wanted to go back and kill him right then.i cant belive he was so close. It was the walmart right by mu house. I cant stop thinking he might come back and find me. I dont know what to do. I cant tell the cops. They dont belive i was raped in the first place. I havent told any of my friends i saw him again. They will rty to convince me to tell the cops or something. I am only gonna tell summer but no other friends. I have been so paonoid since i saw him again. I ran out side last night cuz i was to scared to be home alone. I just walked around talking to summe on the phone because i was too scared to go back. I dont know what i am going to do. If he finds me or tries to do that again i would kill him. But i am so scared to even go anywhere alone. I dial 911 on my phone before turning coners in my house just in case. I dont call it just dial. I should feel safe in my own home. But i am scared everywhere i go. I was scared enough before but its 10x worse now. I jump at everything and freak out from being touched. I hate chris!!! I wish he was dead. maybe some of my fear would go away if he was
  3. idk wat to do

    On friday i saw chris. The guy who raped me last year. I culdnt belive he was less then 30 feet away from me. It was lik 3 am cuz i ent shopping al night cuz of black friday. He looked over at me. He knew it was me. He kept smiling. He started walking up to me. I ran to my sister and told her i was going to the car. I locked myself in the car. I wanted to go back and kill him right then.i cant belive he was so close. It was the walmart right by mu house. I cant stop thinking he might come back and find me. I dont know what to do. I cant tell the cops. They dont belive i was raped in the first place. I havent told any of my friends i saw him again. They will rty to convince me to tell the cops or something. I am only gonna tell summer but no other friends. I have been so paonoid since i saw him again. I ran out side last night cuz i was to scared to be home alone. I just walked around talking to summe on the phone because i was too scared to go back. I dont know what i am going to do. If he finds me or tries to do that again i would kill him. But i am so scared to even go anywhere alone. I dial 911 on my phone before turning coners in my house just in case. I dont call it just dial. I should feel safe in my own home. But i am scared everywhere i go. I was scared enough before but its 10x worse now. I jump at everything and freak out from being touched. I hate chris!!! I wish he was dead. maybe some of my fear would go away if he was
  4. poem

    I keep trying to hide the crying i keep smiling so dont know im lying cuz inside im dying you dont feel my pain, i think im going insain cuz i jump when people touch me but im not alright im not ok, i just dont know what to say another restless night, follows pain and fear i try to keep out of site, i often wonder why me, Will this pain ever fade, i wanna forget the memories he made, i feel his hands where i said not to be, i feel his body forcing on top of me, I wish he was dead, i want the painful memories out of my head Why did he do that to me, why wouldnt he just let me be, i told him stop i said no, he just replyed as you hoe, For over a year, i tried to excape the pain with a razor and a beer, Heres what they say: how are you? what do they want me to do? tell all my pain and fears, while breaking down into tears, so i say im good, i say im great, though my life i sometimes hate, put a smile and laugh on, and most assume the best, will the pain ever be at rest, everyday i think about what he did to me, but for the first time a smile couldnt come to be, happyness seems unreal, with the pain i constantly feel, I hate him for what he did to me, he screwed up a part of my life, and i started hurting myself with something like a knife, i thought hiding my pain everyday would help me feel better and get on my way, My life is in a million pieces that will never be repaired, I am in living hell, its everyone worst nightmare but its my reality, If it wasnt for my friends and family, i would just end all my pain and everything would be ok, but i love them too much to do such a thing, My life is shattering in front of my eyes, The happyness i pretend are nothing but lies, my world is ending its a hopeless lost
  5. poem

    I keep trying to hide the crying i keep smiling so dont know im lying cuz inside im dying you dont feel my pain, i think im going insain cuz i jump when people touch me but im not alright im not ok, i just dont know what to say another restless night, follows pain and fear i try to keep out of site, i often wonder why me, Will this pain ever fade, i wanna forget the memories he made, i feel his hands where i said not to be, i feel his body forcing on top of me, I wish he was dead, i want the painful memories out of my head Why did he do that to me, why wouldnt he just let me be, i told him stop i said no, he just replyed as you hoe, For over a year, i tried to excape the pain with a razor and a beer, Heres what they say: how are you? what do they want me to do? tell all my pain and fears, while breaking down into tears, so i say im good, i say im great, though my life i sometimes hate, put a smile and laugh on, and most assume the best, will the pain ever be at rest, everyday i think about what he did to me, but for the first time a smile couldnt come to be, happyness seems unreal, with the pain i constantly feel, I hate him for what he did to me, he screwed up a part of my life, and i started hurting myself with something like a knife, i thought hiding my pain everyday would help me feel better and get on my way, My life is in a million pieces that will never be repaired, I am in living hell, its everyone worst nightmare but its my reality, If it wasnt for my friends and family, i would just end all my pain and everything would be ok, but i love them too much to do such a thing, My life is shattering in front of my eyes, The happyness i pretend are nothing but lies, my world is ending its a hopeless lost
  6. Stay out of my life!

    Today i went to a stupid cousiling thing. MY family said i have been acting strange latley. Not being myself. They say there woried cuz i am not talking as much and seem like something is bothering me cause i have been diffeent the last month. What the hell really of course i am. I cant tell them it happeed again. Last time wneh they knew i felt even worse. Then they all want you to talk to them. They use the bull shit "Dont u trust me? " Its not about trust. THey keep asking me whats wrong. I told them nothing. They just need to leave me the hell alone. They dont know me as good as they think. They dont understand so why would i tell them? If i wanted them to know i would tell them. I am tired of people getting involved in my life with things that are none of their buisness. Their right i am acting defferent. DUHHH! being raped last month i am not gona be acting compltetly normal. I keep trying to put on a amile and laugh but its fake! no one gets it, EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND GIVE ME SPACE!!!
  7. I am sorry. And i am sory your friend wasnt there for you. I had the same thing happen. I can understand how u are feeling. I have been there. But there are others who understand and are there to suppot u.
  8. cut

    I used to be a cutter. I have not cut in 7 months. Today i almost did. I came so close to cutting my self again for the first time in ove 7 months. but my cousin came home so i couldnt. I cant belive it. I worked so hard to stop and almost blew it. I just am in so muc pain sometimes idk wat else o do. I just usually do nothing and hide my pain with a smile and laugh but today i couldnt hide it or push it away
  9. whyyy now

    Today my boyfriend and i were hanging out. We were kissing and suff. For some reason i started freaking out. He kept asking what was wrong. I am so confused. Why didnt i start having flasbacks other times while i was with him but i did this ime. This time it was really bad. I just wanted o run away? any one know why it happened this time?
  10. Thanks. You said ou wouldnt have changed any of it. But isnt hard to deal with. Do u think you ver really got over it enough to be somewhat the same
  11. idk

    I think i am gonna get back in cousiling. I dont want to but i think its the only way to get bettr. Everythinh is to much and coudiling might be the only thing. I dont know how i am gonna bring t up to my family. But i cant keep going like this. I cant even be touched by my own boyfriend without getting all freaked out. Idk how much cousiling will help but i am desperate. I thought icould deal with it on my own but idk anymore
  12. PLEASE BE A GOOD DAY!

    Today is my 15th bithday party. I hope its going to be a good day.I really hope nothing goes wrong. Or nothing triggures memories. Usually at least oncae a day something does
  13. IDk

    Today was a lillt better then they have been. I was at least able so smile and not have it be fake. I am glad that there has been one day thats good in the last couple weeks
  14. Cant go though this again

    I feel so alone. I know others have been raped but i feel no one under stands right now. I hav neen raped 2 times now. The first was last year when i was 13. And again only 3 weeks ago. Idk if i will be able to get through this again. I dont feel like me. I used to talk nonestop and was always laughng and smiling. I was always with people. Since the last attac i Dont go out side exept to school. I have been quite and no talking. I just cant get out of my head his voice. The feeling of him all over me and not being able to stop it. I hate that it happened .Not once but twice. I just wanna foget but the visions wont go away. All i wanna do is sleep. I cant concentrate in school. My grades have dropped drasticaly. I keep forgetting everything. I just go home and lye down. I get so freaked out. Someone taps me and i jump like I am scared to death. A couple days Ago i was home alone and started freaking out. I ran out side because i was so scared. Everything is so scewed up. I am not me. I feel like a diffeent person. I cant go through this agian and ever be normal. This is my daily retuin. I wake up 2 or 3 times at night. Go to school wishing i could ecape. I have been so tired. Dont feel like eating. I went 2 days with no food. I still wasnt hungary but ate because i knew needed to. Then I am at school. Everyone asks whats wrong. They say they are woried. I just say i dont talk as much because i really need to concentrate to raise my grades. Then i go home. Still cant get it out of my head. I go and lye down not wanting to get up. I dont hang out with many people. I dont feel like doing anything. I always have an excuse for whats wrong and why i have been acting different. Most people belive it but some dont. The only people i have told are my boy friend and My best friend. i cant ever keep anything from her because she knows me to well. People dont undestand. The only person who really does is Summer. (my best friend) But i am not even aloud to hang with her. My family thinks she is not a good influence. They barley know her. She is the only person i talk to. I dont talk about it much but when i do its with her. I just wanna forget. Even when im not thinking about it i still dont act like me. Or who i used to be. I dont think i am strong enough to deal with this. Not again