Jennifer2782

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About Jennifer2782

  • Rank
    building & rebuilding me
  • Birthday 04/27/1982

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Colorado
  • Interests
    I like the outdoors in the nicer weather, hiking and fishing. I also like when it just dumps snow, tons of it, either bundled up outside or sitting on the couch are amazing. I very much enjoy spending time with my husband and his family that have taken me in as their own. And of course my friends and my dogs are huge joys in my life!
  1. My Eternal HOPE

    HOPE: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true. Yep I looked it up, silly, I know. I never truly understood the meaning of hope, sure I could grasp the concept but I never really possessed the feeling in it's entirety. I always had FAITH that things would turn out the way they should, even if it took longer than I thought it should. But, still, the true meaning of hope escaped me much like the meaning of peace, calm and strength. 8 years ago I thought I had found the meaning of it. 8 years ago my step father, who's repeated r*pes had led to my pregnancy, was arrested for aggravated sexual assault. Oh my gosh I couldn't believe it! I had finally had enough and reported him to the authorities and they believed me, just as he had told me they wouldn't. I had thought my nightmare was over and found out how wrong I was. See after the arrest comes all of the other stuff... The emotional and mental stuff of recovery and PTSD followed. 'Seeing' him wherever I went and swearing I could hear his voice, though he was locked up thousands of miles away. Having to lock my bedroom door at night thinking if I didn't he could get to me. Swearing that I could feel his eyes on me anytime I ventured into the dark and KNOWING I was seeing him in my 'dreams' anytime I dared to be so exhausted that I must sleep. Then there was the technical of investigations, victim impact statements, offering a plea deal and eventually conviction. He was convicted of the stated offense and received 17 years with a minimum of 7 to be served before any chance of parole. September 3rd my step father entered the parole review process that in the state of Texas can take from 3 to 6 months. I was immediately transformed into that little girl again. I was that 13 year old terrified child and the grown woman trying to survive all at once and I realized that when I thought it was hope that I had before it was just an illusion. At least for me, I felt I couldn't have true hope as long as I had fear, I had to confront the fear head on. I had to write that letter to the parole board, the first one I would ever complete. I did it, I had to. I couldn't fail for if I did and he got out I KNEW I would lose all faith and hope for the future, I would fall into the depths of disparity and might not make it out another time. Then TRUE HOPE came to me. It came in the form of a phone call. On Tuesday, September 17, 2013 my life changed so drastically and finally took a turn for the better. I was at work and quite the spacy anxious mess. See the night before I had SLEPT, and I slept well. No nightmares, not fretful and it kind of weirded me out. Around lunch time I looked at my phone wondering why I hadn't gotten a text yet and saw I had a missed call from a blocked number. I immediately knew it was victims services in Texas, though I couldn't figure out how I knew. They have never called me in the eight years he has been in custody so why would they now? All the message said was that I was registered with them for notifications and that they had a very important matter to discuss with me concerning him. So for two hours I called off and on and FINALLY got ahold of them. The gentleman went through all the typical things, "you are so and so and your the victim of so and so". Then he said the words that would change my life forever "Jennifer this call is to inform you that the offender died while in custody on September 16th" Oh my Holy Lord, are you freaking kidding me?! I started crying immediately, the kind of crying filled with beauty and relief. I had been in the fight for my life for 18 years and it was FINALLY OVER. He apologized for upsetting me and I told him there was no need, I wasn't upset he had just delivered the best news he could to a victim. The world immediately looked different to me. I could see a world where I know my daughter will never be harmed by him. I could see a world where I now KNOW I will be okay. I finally had HOPE, not wishful, REAL HOPE. I can hope for further recovery, for peace of mind, for a better world. I can see the beauty, without the tragedy. I could feel my breath going deeper into my lungs than it ever had. I could feel every single bit of tension deflate out of me. I felt real calm and peace come over me, TRUE HOPE knowing it was over. I am not sure what it will take to bring you hope and healing as it is different for every survivor. I just know that I found mine. I know if I can find such hope, peace and wellness, then we all can. Please be well and know that it will come for you too, it may not be how or when you envisioned it but it WILL come.
  2. Amy, I am sorry for all of us too! Hopefully it will come that not only the jokes stop, but one day, r*pe itself is a thing of the past. Crossing my fingers XX May we all one day find our voice to help den this despicable act
  3. (I want to warn you that this entry may possibly trigger, please take care reading) I am not always the most 'politically correct' person. I like to joke and carry on, and I am loud... Even though I may not always be 'proper' and I do make mis-steps, I always try to be considerate and mindful of others. I try to remind myself that just because I haven't been through something doesn't mean someone near me hasn't. Maybe it would be wise that, when in the general public, sometimes I just hold my tongue. Sometimes a comment is not okay to make and sometimes a 'joke' is not funny. That is my standard for my behavior. That, sadly, is not how the world in general behaves. So I find myself wondering lately why people seemingly find it completely appropriate to use r*pe as a tagline for a joke. They either think it's not inappropriate or they just don't care/think about what they are saying. Sadly, I believe it is the latter. Statistics say: 207,754 r*pes are committed annually (not sure but think that is a United States statistic) 1 in 6 American women has been a victim of sexual assault. So why would anyone in their right mind NOT stop and think that there could be woman in the room that has experienced some form of sexual assault? Last year I had a rough day at work, we all were really. It was hectic and everytime we turned around it seemed something had gone wrong. I get paged to the front of the store I work at for the umpteenth time by one of the girls and that is okay, actually more than okay, it is my job. I go over to see what she needs and she states that she is sorry she keeps needing me but 'it is like I am getting r*ped over here'. NOw this woman did not know my history at the time of her completely inappropriate comment, but that is not the point. Another example of r*pe being considered a joke.... My step daughter and I share our internet browsing, like when we find a sweet story, funny video and so on. She found a video one day and she is just cackling with laughter. Naturally, I ask to see it and she says I have to because it is hilarious. I am always up for a good laugh, it is the best medicine after all! So she starts the video over and the words (could trigger) "hide your husbands, hide your wives cuz everybody is gettin r*ped out here" What the heck is wrong with people? One: the video was most certainly NOT funny and I can't figure out why someone would title it as such. Two: my step daughter does know the tiniest bit of my past, no details but she knows r*pe has happened to me. So I am left wondering why it is okay to joke about this. I would even ask why it seems the only people that are considerate and don't joke about this are people that have been through it, but that is not how it has been around me. I spoke with the first person that I mentioned in this post about the issue I had with this. I informed her that I am a survivor and that I do not take the subject lightly. She comes back with she is too and that she feels people 'just need to get over their past'. I see it as a fundamental problem with humanity. Society seems to be going the way of to each his own and to heck with everyone else's concerns, thoughts and feelings. Live and let live is okay but the theory of it has been so twisted. In my opinion people are now manifesting live and let live as ' I will do what I want to heck with the rest of you' Having no consideration whatsoever for the people around you because what you want to say and do is more important is a terrible way to be in this world. Does no one realize that if you minimize others concerns so much, if you make a survivor feel like their thoughts and feelings are to be set aside as inconsequential you are making this problem worse. I am in no way saying that these people are as bad as someone who commits this terrible crime but if this attitude were to continue..... If society as a whole continues to minimize r*pe and the aftermath and continues to see it as a joke doesn't that mean we will always have to struggle to find an end to it occurring? Doesn't the minimizing of this terrible crime mean that it could become more prevalent as time goes on? It is very concerning to me that some see it as a 'joke' or something is a tagline. I am a survivor. I don't think before, after or during was a joke. I would like to think that others will one day learn this. Maybe one day they will learn....sigh....
  4. Thank you very much for the words and kindness, Kaneerica. I hope things work out too, I know with the people that are in my corner I can make it through anything. Thank you again!
  5. I am trying my hardest not to whine, moan and complain. I don't want anyone to think I am looking for pitty because that is the last thing I want...this is more of a venting entry and a chance to give thanks for the things/people I am not venting about. For the past year or so, things have been kind of up in the air. This time last year I was working at a job I hated and me and my husband were living somewhere that we knew would not be suitable for much longer. But what to do? My husband was working at the time in a place that was 65 miles away from where we lived and we were thinking it would be better to move closer to his work. For a while we couldn't figure out how to do it in a way we could afford, even though it would make more sense fiscally and every other way. Finally we had had it where we were living and I was ready to walk out of my job any second, all they needed to do was give me a reason. My reason was right there, for the move up the mountain. So I sat him down and asked him if he wanted to move closer to work and he said yes, it would be better for us. He couldn't figure out how to do it and I told him I would figure it out. 2 months later we had moved, I had quit the terrible job and we were happier for a time. Things got tight around the house again with me not working and we decided that I needed to go back to work. Found a job pretty quickly but it was in the next town over, close but not close enough. Decided that we now needed to move closer to my work and we did. Found the cutest little crooked house that tilts in all directions and found a settled feeling. I was finally finding comfort in my world. Like the house we found, loving my job and all WAS well for a time. We have to move. Again. See, the realtor felt since they aren't LEGALLY required to let us know the house is in foreclosure that they were neither MORALLY obligated to do so. Really?! Are you bleeping kidding me?!? I just can't believe that no one felt it would be the RIGHT thing to do to inform us. Guess how I found out? The lady from the courts came to post a notice on the door! Oh my goodness! She was a very nice woman and very helpful. I asked her how long we had..she said on the outside, best case scenario is July. But it is more likely that the sale date will be set for April-May. Geez. Frustration reigns. Here is my thankful part... I have grown close to the people I work with. It may sound weird but I live and work in a VERY small town and when there are this few people that tends to happen. I am extremely close to the owner of the stores daughter, and the owner for that matter. I went into work and was venting about all of this, just venting. And she asked what I was going to do. Obviously look for a new place and spend as little money as possible. I also said to her that she better not dare tell her father what was going on, I just wanted to vent and there was nothing anyone could do but me and my husband to fix this. So she comes to me a bit later and says she did what I told her not to. I asked what she meant and she responded with 'I talked to father'. So I asked why she did that and she said because she did not know how to fix this for me and she so wanted to...but she knew her father could fix it. He offered to advance my paycheck so I could have moving money. The two of them could make me cry, they care as much as I do about them and it is starting to feel like I have a family here. I could not believe how sweet she was, telling me all she wanted to do was fix it (I could still cry). And then him saying that he would do that is just amazing, that is not an offer easily made by him. I am so thankful for the people in this world that all they ever try to do is the right thing. There are wonderful people all around sometimes it just takes blood, sweat and tears to find them. I am glad I have found all of those that are near and dear to me, they help my world stay afloat.
  6. Fantastic tranformations lately

    To change anything about your world, or especially yourself, you have to truly want to change. REAL change comes with REAL effort, or as I always put it 'blood, sweat and tears'. The life I always had before was always something I wanted to change but it was like seeing a calculus problem when you did not even know how to add, or something written in Japanese when you did not speak the language. Change in my mental state, my life and my world were all desired but they were foreign to me. I could see the problem and I could see where I wanted to go but the path there was lost to me. It was like someone tore the middle out of my map. So I carried on with my life, lost and not knowing where to go or what to think. I knew what I wanted but I thought the destination was a dream land that only existed the same way unicorns do---in my imagination. Here lately I think someone is proving me wrong. I decided if I wanted real change and all I have had before is disappointment then just start doing everything different from how I did it before. I decided I would try to stop thinking the entire world was evil as I had been taught and that people in general were good and worth the time and effort. My history has taught me the exact opposite but everytime I ever operated under that same mindset I would get hurt again. Through all of this 'experimenting' I have picked the couple of people I thought were worth giving a chance to. I went on blind faith that my 'radar' was going to be right and if I was wrong I would deal with the consequences. The interesting thing? When I actually went with my gut feeling and believed in someone, everything turned out okay. I am learning to tell who I can trust and giving that trust to them without complications. Sure there have been some missteps but that is how you learn, but when it really came down to trusting someone with something extremely important it has paid off. My life is turning out to be okay and my ability to trust is coming back. Thank you to the people I have given trust to for not letting me down, you are also helping me to heal more each day. You are showing me the world is not evil, there are just evil people in it. I am learning from you that while it has been rough, it can be okay. I am learning that it is not only on YOU to prove it to me, I have to give a little to get a little. My life is a two way street, all the work can not be done by me OR others, it has to be both of us. When me and the people in my life that I do trust and adore work together my life is becoming a much better place as I hope theirs is to. If we could all do this I think the entire world could become a better place too. Thank you to everyone here on Pandy's that is helping to teach me this lesson, and to those in my 'real' life, I owe you a debt of gratitude that is immeasurable.
  7. Forgive the somewhat religious nature if you are not so inclined....I felt like the lyrics were so fitting for my husband and thought it would probably apply to anyones love. Blake Shelton "God Gave Me You" I’ve been a walking heartache I’ve made a mess of me The person that I’ve been lately Ain’t who I wanna be But you stay here right beside me Watch as the storm goes through And I need you [Chorus] God gave me you for the ups and downs God gave me you for the days of doubt For when I think I’ve lost my way There are no words here left to say, it’s true God gave me you There’s more here than what were seeing A divine conspiracy That you, an angel lovely Could somehow fall for me You’ll always be love’s great martyr Ill be the flattered fool And I need you God gave me you for the ups and downs God gave me you for the days of doubt For when I think I’ve lost my way There are no words here left to say, it’s true God gave me you [bridge] On my own I’m only Half of what I could be I can’t do without you We are stitched together And what love has tethered I pray we never undo [Chorus - Outro] God gave me you for the ups and downs God gave me you for the days of doubt God gave me you for the ups and downs God gave me you for the days of doubt For when I think I’ve lost my way There are no words here left to say, it’s true God gave me you, gave me you Gave me you
  8. Reality sucks ALL the time, but it is what you do with it to make it better....Your husband sounds so wonderfully supportive. I think it is beautiful that he is trying to switch shifts just for your well being. It sounds like you are doing really well, even though you may not feel like that in a lot of ways. Take it from someone that has been there. I went through all the legal hoops and tricks and it was a nerve wracking process. I know how stressful it is but also know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and by the way the light IS NOT a train. You are almost through all of it. After you get to just worry about you and picking up the pieces. You will have the chance to take what is left of the person you were and marry it to the person you are now and believe it or not you get the chance to feel whole and complete again. I wish you the best of luck in all of this but know you do not need it. You will do fantastic and it will be over in no time. Safe hugs, if okay <3
  9. Since I joined pandy's, and even a little before that, I have had this habit of self examination at any given point in time. It happens for virtually no reason at all just sometimes I feel reflective, I guess. Most times there is some kind of little thing that prompts it. Maybe realizing it has been a while since I had a panic attack, or realizing I used coping skills to get through one without losing my mind like I used to...any myriad of things. Well here lately I have been thinking about progress again. Just tonight the reflection was prompted by my music. I have always been big about music and have quite often thought if I had to try and make it through with out it, well, forget about it....would never have happened. It has been my therapy before I started real therapy, a calming influence and something that helped me vent. But something that has always bugged me is that I could no longer listen to songs I used to love. The ones that I used to listen to when I was younger, the ones that influenced the music I love today. I think it always bugged me when I would hear one of those songs because it would make me flash to when I first heard it..and usually that was not a good thing. I loved those old songs, when they were gone it was almost like losing a part of me. Here lately the old songs are mostly what I have been listening to. And it does not make me flash back, it does not make feel sad...rather it makes me smile. It has made me happy to see the girl I started out merge with the woman I am becoming. Instead of seeing them clash and it causing all sorts of strife, they are happily merging and it is an amazing transformation to me. More and more often I am starting to feel like the happy, healthy and WHOLE me that I have always deserved to be. No longer am I haunted by the broken version, I am turning into the best version of me and am so happy to be able to claim that. I can finally breath and dream and hope, I feel truly blessed. Now to carry on some more with the journey and see where it takes me....
  10. Thank you, Pavitra. Slowly bringing myself back to center and taking my power back. That has been the longest fought battle so it is nice to see a real result to all the work. Hope you are well XO
  11. Danielle, I know where you are coming from, like I really know. My abuse was from my father as well as my step father and my mother's favorite thing to ask 'why are you so over emotional?' I agree with Anne that there is 'lag time' it is the period when you really feel nothing at all. You are still in shock during that time I think and it truly is what saves you. When your mind just can't deal it chooses not to and that is why it will come back much later, when you are stronger. Also I think that your emotions are coming out more now because of the SA a year ago. Your mind has decided now is the time to deal with that SA and any other issues you did not work on from the one before. In my experience my mind shut off for 2 years (plus while the first round was going on) until my step father did the same thing. By that time it was like I needed to deal with it or I was going to lose all of me. I hope this helps but please know that you don't owe your mother an explanation and if all you can tell her is that you don't know why then that is enough. Don't rush anything in your healing, if you don't have answers then you don't that is all there is to it. Be well my dear friend. XO Jennifer
  12. The last post in my blog was 7/31/2011 and it was how a couple of hard anniversaries were approaching but surprisingly I wasn't dreading them. They were celebratory anniversaries in a sense but they also signified the start of a long healing process. August 14 was the 5 year anniversary of my step fathers conviction or aggravated SA of a child...August 24 was the 6 year anniversary of his arrest for the same. I thought about it on the day I posted it here but then something strange happened. I did not think about what those days meant to me until a day after they were both gone. I know some would think those days should be purely happy but that was not the case for me. They were victorious and helpful in my healing and believe me I am so happy I was able to do what I did to make those days possible. They were the end of a period of pain and fear for the little girl inside me, but they were the start of a more painful downward spiral. It took that downward spiral to actually heal, it took the spiral for me to wake from my own grief. I was silly in thinking all it would take is the conviction to make me feel better. That did help for a while, and honestly still does. But I thought that once he was arrested and then convicted all of it would be over. In reality that is when the battle began, the battle to bring myself back from the brink. I was so naive then but am much wiser now. I know that just because it took me years to get to the point that I could press charges that did not mean there would not be many more years until I 'normalized' a bit. I know even as I feel so much better than I did then, even as I feel much more healed today that there is still work to be done. There will be stumbles along the way and there will be times that I think to myself 'haven't I done this already?' I am a work in progress, but I also know the worst is over. I no longer have to live with the fear I used to. I know that my biggest battle is over and that I won it. I know since conquering what I consider to be my worst enemy I have had the time to spend on me and my healing. My world is once again mine and no longer his. My sanity, safety and security are all under my control no longer his. It is finally time for me to live for me, not living to dodge him and his attacks and warped mind. I have learned it is okay to trust, though it is not automatically given. Those that have my trust have earned it. I also know that not only is it okay to love someone, but someone worthy of my love will love me back. The love of my life has been so essential to my healing and me learning to open up. He has taught me there is beauty in a REAL man's heart and so much beauty in my own. That everything I have gotten past is something to be proud of not to be hidden from view...for if you hide where you have come from, you hide your accomplishments. He has taught me that while men hurt me before, they were not 'real' men. That a real man would cherish me as he does. He is my best friend and will celebrate with me when life is what I want it to be, but he is not afraid to point out when something is not okay...all the while reassuring me that he will always be here for and with me. I owe most of my healing healing to the strength of my soul, but a lot of it was possible because of him too. I like the world where my abuser is not my first thought and most of what I see is the possibilities and beauties of the world. I have come so far and can finally say I am happy and okay. My life is beautiful for once and it is about time.
  13. Congratulations, I am so proud of you. As for you saying that your husband does not understand that you would not be too upset if nothing comes of it...I know what you mean. I brought charges against my step father back in 2005 and it was the most freeing feeling just to have them file charges. I don't know if your step father ever said what mine did, but, mine always told me to go ahead and tell that no one would believe me. Just the fact that they filed charges and have allowed this to go to the DA means someone believes your story and in that is the validation 'little you' as always needed and searched for. Just to know that there was a second or two where he thought of you and felt the fear he always put in you as a little girl is amazing. It is freeing and powerful and it is beautiful that you stood up and told him that he didn't have power over you anymore. Now you get to have all of you back and the little girl you used to be thinks you are a hero. You should really try to celebrate, this is a big deal and you deserve it. You deserve, and I wish for you, all the best in the world. Be well dear.
  14. I like the thought of August being my month, what a wonderful idea! I am glad my words can help in anyway but especially to give hope, that is such a hard thing to come by in our world. you are welcome, and also thank you for the very kind words. XO
  15. So August is a huge anniversary month for me. The story of August starts back in February, though. In February 2005, my paternal grandfather passed away. He was the only one in my family that ever acknowledged my father's abuse of me in any public way and tried so hard to protect me. When he passed it was a terrible loss. One of the only men in my life at that time that I ever respected and admired was gone and my heart felt it was permanently broken. In April of the same year my maternal grandfather and I were looking forward to our birthdays together, mine is the 27th and his is the 29th. Family always used to say they thought we had our birthdays so close together because we were kindred spirits. I adored that man more than anyone in the world and for some strange reason always felt the need to protect him. April 25, 2005 he passed away. My real life guardian angel was gone. Shortly there after my dog I had for 13 years had to be put down. Shadow was what I considered to be the best friend a girl could have. She had been through everything with me. She helped the nightmares stay away and was the best security blanket I could ask for. Her passing was my final straw of 2005. Everyone that mattered to me was now gone. Or so I thought. There was still me and my daughter. And there was a threat to our safety...my stepfather. Grandpa was no longer in need of protection from the truth of my life. And I no longer had to worry that it would hurt him to know my stepfather repeatedly assaulted me or that that is where his great granddaughter came from. No more worry, no fears of judgment...just a mission to accomplish. The process of getting justice for my stepfathers actions began in May and, my oh my, the process was so quick. It all happened so fast that there was no time to consider what I was doing, there was just no time to go back. In May 2005 I called and reported what my stepfather had done to me and told the detective over the phone that my child was born out of that situation. August 24, 2005 he was arrested for aggravated SA of a child. August 14, 2006 he was convicted of the same. Spring of 2005 was the season that changed my life and me forever. It was the time that I came to see the people that had protected me couldn't do it forever and I would have to stand on my own two feet. It was the time that I came into my own and finally figured out that I was going to make it through all of this, whatever it took. That spring taught me that no matter what any others had said to me and about me for so many years, I was a good person and I could fix this. It was my time to shine and to fight the biggest battle I ever had in my life. And you know year after year the anniversary of his arrest and conviction has stirred so much anxiety in me, but for some reason this year is different. I always think of it way ahead of time and it comes to mind through out the year before it even arrives. But this year is different. While I am not 'smiling and dancing' over the anniversary approaching I am not panicking either. I feel some sense of closure over it all, but am still mindful that one year passing is one more closer to parole or release. It used to make me panic so much thinking he could get out of prison and while it worries me still, I no longer freak out. I take everything in stride. He will get out someday, if he doesn't die in custody, but I will deal with that when it comes. For once in my life, right now it is about me NOT him. I did what I could within the limits of the law and I will deal with him again when it is time to. He stole the last of my child hood and my early adult hood from me but he is not going to continue to steal my life. This approaching month is no longer a time for nerves and apprehension. The month of August has become a month of celebration for me. A month to celebrate how far I have come and the strength it took to get here. And a month for me to recognize everything, all the loss and sacrifice, and all of the good people in this world it took to accomplish this. And lastly it is a month for me to appreciate the wonderful life I have that is in no small part due to those who have helped me get here, both in the legal system and outside it. Thank you to everyone who has helped me to reclaim my life. I know the ones of you that helped long ago will never ave a chance to read this but it needs to not go unsaid. Also thank you all at pandy's that have helped me in the healing part of my journey, without you guys in my aftermath my story would probably turn out a lot different. With eternal gratitude and love I now get to see what this world holds for me, without all the support past and present that would not be possible.