jolson

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About jolson

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. I've been told to "suck it up." I covered abuse up for years, and now I've had to face what was done to me. One guy who testified on my ex's behalf in court saying he was so wonderful told me, "If he was so abusive WHY did you have KIDS?!" Hmmmmm...maybe I'd better inform him that rape can result in pregnancy in case he didn't know!
  2. "Oh, no, You never let go! Through the calm and through the storm. Oh no You never let go. Lord you never let go of me." "I will rise on eagles wings..." "You lifted me up, You lifted me up, and set me dancing, dancing..." "There's a light at the end of the tunnel for you, for you..." and more...
  3. red pickups mannerisms and looks and statements from my kids that are like their dad certain cologne people from my past religious faith hands holding me firmly/any slight bit forceful
  4. The biggest betrayal for me was during the divorce process when church friends testified on his behalf that he was so wonderful, and also during and after the divorce I found out some of the people KNEW that he probably has a mental illness or something wrong and had known even before we got together...all those years they looked me in the eye and smiled and said how wonderful it was that we were married. It was the church betrayal more than anything for me because I had grown up in this "one and only right way on earth" and believed and trusted in it. But the good thing is that as a result I broke free from that and now see that religious group for what it truly is.
  5. When it happens in a marriage and it's a "marital duty" and it's supposed to be a wonderful perfect family in a perfect one-ano-only right religious way on earth and I can't say no or I am suppressed into "you are becoming too independent, you need to be obedient and submissive", one doesn't call it rape. Now that I am out of that marriage and out of that religious group, I realize what it was. I admit it now. I am not wanting therapy for it tho because as I read about therapies it's like having to relive it...and I don't want to face it. This summer I started having panic attacks when courts ordered me in the same room as ex for parenting conference, and I couldn't do it. So because of the timing it looks like I am possibly "faking it." I hope I have found a safe place to let this out it...