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About britt124brat

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  • Birthday 01/24/1990

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  • Location
    NY State
  • Interests
    swimming, listening to music, movies, hanging out with friends and family, spending time with my bf, playing with my dogs, writing, TV shows,
  1. fustrated with myself

    I hate the way I feel...I'm always in a bad mood...its rare I'm happy...I have no desire to do anything anymore..I barley get out of bed...there are the rare times I'm happy for a Brief moment but it seems to be fading more and more...I no longer feel pleasure sexually at all...I tried it once since my last entry and was stupid and nvr told him about my triggers as usaull because I'm affraid I'm going to kill our sex life more then I already have...I need to start fighting for myself and try more but I feel ashamed and embarrassed..I need to let my guard down and its so hard..Idn what to do besides to keep trying.
  2. feeling a little better today.

    Me and my fiancee talked and actually had a nice conversation..It made me put more trust in him...I havn't fealt this comfortable in a while...He told me how instead of pushing through my triggers and ignoring them I have to tell him so he knows to stop doing these thing's...I know its true and I do feel bad about having to do it because obviously he likes it but we both know it dosnt help..He reassured me he loves me to death and that this is going to take time which we both know especially because I've suppressed it for so long and have ignored all my feelings. He has never actually opened up to me like this before and actually had a conversation..He usaully is horrible at conversations because he does not know what to say but he let me know he cares and won't stop fighting for and with me no matter what and it reassured me that there is a good possibility I can be happy again and live a life without this weight I've been carrying on me. I really hope I can push threw this I miss his touch.
  3. :(

    So the touch therapy didn't go well....didn't happen at all ..he said he was down but I asked twice and nothing he just wants to rub by back and snuggle....I wanna feel comfortable doing that and can't...Idn what more to do..I don't think he realizes how bad I am emotionally and that I can't just do.this whenever he feels like it...I'm not always ready for this and dont always habe the courage...I don't get why he said we would do this tonight then we don't..I give up
  4. hope

    Tonight me any my fiancee are going to start step one to touch therapy...hopefully it works....I just need to feel close again....I want to enjoy his touch.I have hope for now and am nervous...he gets home in 10-15 min and we have dinner and our show....then hopefully ill feel comfortable getting a back.rub lol.
  5. sick of these feelings...need help.

    I have so many things running in my head...I am happy to say I'm engaged to my bf almost 8 years ...but there are a few things I cant stop thinking about that are bothering me...we love eachother to death but I am emotionally discontented sexually and physically and its been getting worse...I feel bad that he's gonna maerry somebody as screwed up as I am...I know he loves me..he defiantly wouldn't be with me if he didn't lol...Idn what's triggering me more lately..I'm assuming it was me watching law and order svu and me breaking down telling my fiancee how I miss our emotional connection and we talked a bit about how my triggers sexually are effecting our sex life and how he's afraid he's gonna hurt me more emotionally....I know this is my fault and I don't know how to deal with day I'm fine for a while then I'm a giant mess....he dosnt deserve me..he's way fo good for me...I get so moody at times and i feel bad...I'm to chicken to talk to a counselor or therapist...I can't even tell my fiancee everything or anyone... how can i trust a stranger when its so hard for me to trust...I looked up some sex therapy and trust therapy online and we thing we are going to try least to try and make me comfortable again in trusting him and maybe allowing myself to feel comfortable when he touches me...I hope it works...I'm so scarred he's gonna get sick of me....I feel so disgusting over Half the time..used up and tainted...wasted goods....I really dont deserve him and he dosnt deserve to still be dealing with me like this....I'm affraid hes gonna get sick of me and leave me or get sick of me sexually and just do what he pleases or stops all together or cheats....I need to get better and heal and Idn how
  6. :/

    It's been a while again..still not in the greatest of allergies have been so bad this year that my eyes habe almost swollen shut twice in tue past 2 weeks....I have eye drops for em now from the relationship is still on the fritz.....we are trying to work on this but I don't see a point at the moment....Im affraid if setting myself up for defeat again...maybe my cousins wedding Saturday will bring us a little closer....I doubt really hope things between us do het better soon....I warned em if they don't we won't get back together....we habe been together since I was 16 and now I'm 23....I don't wanna give up and neither does he....we still do love eachother...I just can't put up with us not spending time together as a couple..alls he does is play video games and we barley have sex anymore....I feel like we are roommates not a couple....we dont even sit next to eachother on the couch....I'm also a more active person esp when I'm not depressed and love sports and chilling by the fire...going to the beach or park and IDs like to do all this before my surgery.....I basically just want a cpl hrs a day or one day a week just me and him....Idn maybe I'm asking for to much...night.
  7. trapped

    I feel like I'm drowning under relationship as of the moment is crumbling...I habe so much pain and anger inside of me....I can't take it anymore...I cancelled my first therapy longer have the strength to go....I had it for a while....I knew I shoulda tried to fine a therapist sooner....I knew two months was to long and I'd chicken out....I'm a coward...worst part about it is in letting them win. Everyone who hurt me wins like usaull....Idn why I even try or bother anymore....I truly hate my life...I wish I was never born.
  8. its been a while.

    It's been a long week. Sorting through my health issues and a few busy good days between...I go to a therapist for the first time to talk about my abuse. I hope I have the courage to eventually open up....its killing me inside I need to sort through everything. I have so much to get off my chest and I am nervous...I don't have it in me to write anymore....I wish I did but I don't...hopefully I will be less depressed and be able to get back to my normal self. I'm to far down and feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts.
  9. scarred

    It's been a while since I've been on here...I found out from the Dr I have this weird polycystic overt disorder thing...due to this it'll be harder for me to concieve and keep the pregnancy going. Also it can make me infertile and causes me to gain weight and makes it really hard to throw off along with cysts keep growing all over my overies....there are a cpl meds they can try if it dosnt work we will talk about removing the overies...since I have a side issue for the past year and it blows out 6 inches when I bend or lift I can't work out more then 15 min a day(Dr says) its even harder for me to loose weight...I'm currently 303lbs and have gained over 100 in the past 3 years...I also have an oversized spleen and liver. My gi Dr thinks my blood might not he pumping in my liver correctly so its pumping it into my spleen..not 100% though...if so I will have scar tissue on my liver which is then cyrosis or the dad Nd grandmother both died from grammas was caused from auto immune hepatitis which isn't contracted like normal hepatitis...its hereditary and hots u like a tends to hit women and skips a generation a lot. I'm terrified I'm gonna end up like my father or grandmother....on the up AMD up my triglycerides went from 900 to 199 with my meds they gave me(150) is normal....also my good cholesterol lvl is low which out me at major heart risks now....the drs are hoping if I loose weight(140 lbs) my side and overie disease will be much better to deal with and might help a lot...since I have this disease that makes me gain weight and since eating healthy forbthe past few months isn't working they want me tobget a gastric bypass....basically they sew ur stamach and connect part of ur intestine to ur tummy and it changes ur digestive track and makes me eat a lot less..ill have to take vitamins for life so I have the proper nutrients and if I dnt take em I can get sick and worse case die due to poor nutrition....I'm only 23 years old and I feel terrible...if I can't have kids it gonna kill and my bf are talking about saving ky eggs if I'm fertile and having a suraget birth....I hope I can have kids and really hope I don't have cyrosis and die that horrable death like my dad and grams.....its sucked watching my father slowly die and wither away for 5 years... his body organ by organ slowly shut down and he always went into comas and was on hospice...also it put u in child like states sometimes duebto protein lvls...I even missed school AMD had to stay home a lot cuz legally if u leave someone like that u can get into a lot of trouble lawvwise and basically get charged with endangering the welfarevof a I lived my dad and didn't want him like that mom had to quit her job and watch him 24 7 and we were really poor then....I would never put somebody through that...Idn what to do and I'm sso stresed out....I really really just want a break..I want to feel better and work again..I'm stuck home alone poor with nothing to do besides sit with these thought on top of my abuse and other problems....sometimes I feel ID be better off dead. Thank god imvstrong enough and am still here.
  10. confused :/

    Me and my BfS relationship has been shakey for a while on and off....we love eachother to death but Idn if love is enough..we barley do anything sexually and non sexually..I get that he works 40 hours a week but when he's home we don't do anything...he usaully played a video game of is on the computer..his communication skills suck when I try ralko.g about any of our problems and I feel like he dosnt care about me like he used to..sometimes I feel like our relationship isn't even there and its killing me inside...can I really get married and spend the rest of my life like this with him? Idn what to do and I'm sick of writing about it.
  11. Life is great today!

    Today I feel great. I'm happy, content, snuggling on the couch with my dogs watching TV. I have no worry in the world today and I love it! Just figured I'd post this to remind myself that life isn't always bad.
  12. torn sexually

    I don't get it...I just made a post about my sex life.....long story short my bf and i have been together for 7 years....I'm a sex addict..I think about sex a lot and want sex 3-4 times a day...latley me and my boyfriend only have sex once or twice a month...I need it more then that....Over half the time I'm not even horny or aroused but I still want sounds stupid and weird but its how I feel...I'm having thoughts of cheating on my boyfriend...I have even talked to a couple men but never went through with it...I feel horrible and I cheated once two Years ago and I still regret it...I feel like a piece of Shit....I can't do that to him again...he dosnt deserve it and I love him to death....I wish I can make this stop but I don't know how...Idn what to do :/
  13. easters almost here.

    I feel pretty good so far today...Easter is on its way tomorrow...Going to my boyfriends families then coloring eggs with a couple friends at my house and making desserts early for my dinner Monday with my friends...I love hosting Easter and thanksgiving celebrations at my house. There's nothing better than friends and family on the holidays. Hope everyone has a good time.
  14. fustrated

    I finally got the courage to make a therapist appointment and they can't even get me in untill May! I'm not gonna still have the courage to go by then and the other t's never got back to me. I just want help is it to hard to ask to see somebody sometime soon. I NEED HELP!!
  15. still strong..for now.

    Hopefully tomorrow I will get a call and have my first therapy session soon....I'm so nervous but sooo happy I finally will get the help I need...I'm sick of feeling down all the time....I don't even know where to start lol...watching the apparition then bed.