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About squirrelfish

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  1. I know how you feel. So much of what you describe here fits me. 'I can't even remember he combing my hair' Recently a friend told me, when I had a big knot in my hair from my scarf rubbing it up the wrong way, to comb my hair from the bottom instead of raking it from the root and hurting myself. I thought, wow, how come I'm so dumb that I don't know how to comb my hair gently like that? How did my friend learn that to tell me? I tried it again the otehr day and I had this memory of my mum combing my hair, telling me to do it from the bottom to stop it hurting, and I remember hating her doing that. It felt so fake, staged, because she was pretending to care about whether I was hurting or not when usually she hurt me and she left me with my dad, who she knew was molesting me because she caught him at it. I rake that brush through my hair because she did it me when I was angry. I hate myself because she hated me. I've neglected myself because she neglected me. I don't have to do that anymore. I want to believe that it was her failing that she couldn't love and protect me, not mine. It's hard sometimes. I do this too, especially with my husband. I can't stop sometimes. I want so much to feel loved. I have such a big hole in me. I don't think that can be filled until we accept that we were failed by our parents, not because of who we are, but because... well, they failed. When we feel it wasn't our fault and the love and care that comes our way is exactly what we deserve, perhaps that hole will be filled? I hope so. sf
  2. Replying to an old thread, after reading through it made me a) feel so much less alone and helped me to understand my issues and their origins better and b) allowed me to put things into words as practice for telling someone in 3D for the first time. Sharing has helped a lot. I saw as I read through the post that not many people were getting direct responses, I assumed the threads had become sounding grounds. And hope that my words might help someone else to feel less alone in the future. That said I do find making new threads really difficult, rather scary, and so generally avoid it. sf
  3. I go to that place from time to time too. It gets less. In the meantime take all the you need.
  4. I hear you on this one totally! As for the movie... in situations like that it's often a choice between watching and getting triggered, or saying you won't watch and then having to answer questions about why you have the misigivings about the movie, or thinking about why you're sitting alone while everyone else watches the movie. That's often just as bad as being triggered while watching I think sf
  5. Good to recognise these reasons. I ask myself why I'm digging through it all a lot too. I know I have to, but sometimes I just want to live now, with my husband, happy... because I am, I'm happy now. But I still need to understand what my past has done to me. You put it beautifully. You have a way with words. sf