sillymommy

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About sillymommy

  • Birthday 09/09/1977

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    Survivor
  1. (((((((((Allen)))))))))))) I feel your pain...I just don't have any words right now...except you are not alone.. Sarah
  2. Thinking

    I was thinking about how blessed I feel for having a wonderful family.....my husband and my kiddos..and my extended family who is always around to support us. Then something happened that I was not ready for...I felt really really sad. Since the hurricanes...and all the horrible memories..and all the shit that goes with that my life has been consumed by all of this. All while trying to be a wife and a mom. When Paul and I got married 10 years ago...we always talked about having 3 kids. It was something I always felt so strong about..until my life stopped. And now that things are getting better (YES I typed that!??!) I feel so sad that not only did they ruin my teenage years.....having to deal with this ruined our plans in regards to our family. My heart has been aching latley cause I feel like I am missing something....someone... I know this sounds nuts...and for the longest time I have been ok with just having my 2 babies..but I am only 30 years old...I feel like I should really think about this because I don't want to live my life with anymore regrets....and I don't know if this would be one...but right now I feel like dealing with all my crap has not allowed me to ever think of my hopes and dreams...I forgot I had any hopes...cause I was hopeless and so lost. I know that these are pretty normal thoughts for people our age...the problem is I don't really know what to do with these feelings. I don't want to feel sad because things didn't work out as planned cause I know that plans don't always happen. But thinking that I was so messed up and forgot how much I wanted this is really tough.. Sarah
  3. THat is one of my VERY VERY favorite songs....thanks for sharing Sarah
  4. new stuff...lots of thoughts...

    I was 12. I was so young...I had not ever kissed someone....I had never even "liked" a boy. I honestly was still a little girl. I liked to play with dolls...and talk on the phone to my girlfriends...I loved to read Babysitter Club Books...camping and biking...so many things. And then it happened. and I feel like I died. I had nothing to live for anymore...I was ruined and horribly nasty. I couldn't tell anyone not a single person or they would kill me. I prayed so much hoping God would help me and do something...he didn't. Some people tell me that God was with me...and that living was God's way of helping me. I just can't believe that...I can't. My faith has hit the ground and been stepped on. I never have remembered much about my life before and after it happened.....but the last few days I have had so many memories around all that...and I remember sitting in my bed holding my bible praying to God with tears streaming down my face so much so my pillow was so wet...I had hope for a long time that he would help me...I just knew that is what God did...he protected you. But after it had been years..and it was still happening and I just felt like I was totally alone in the world I stopped believe in God...and myself. If God couldn't help me...nothing could. I was forever broken. I was not worth being fixed. I think all of this is so new and scary for me to think about....Keri thinks that I need to stick with this feeling sad thing...I don't know if I can cause I don't know what might come up... It really explains why I can't go to church and haven't since August....it hurts to much...but I had no idea why..and now it is all so clear....I don't know what to do about it though...cause whenever I think about it..I just remember how people from church used to say God heals,protects and loves....WELL....not one of those are true for me...and that brings up so much shit...My dad is a pastor...so does that make him a liar??? Heck parents are supposed to do those things too...and mine had NO idea what was happenening to me...they were too busy. How in the world am I supposed to sit with this?!?! Cause I feel so stupid for being upset over crap that I can't change. And that is another huge trigger... Just trying to breathe...and remember that I am a doing the best I can.... Sarah
  5. It hurts......

    Some days I really wonder if I am healing or if I will be like this forever....It has been a tough few weeks. A couple of new memories...a huge car issue...fights with my hubby....halloween...work....T issues....really tough group. Do you ever just feel totally tapped out? Like you just want the world to stop for a few minutes...to have a few moments of total peace? I feel like my body and mind are just going nuts right now.....I am sad...SO SO SO sad....like I have never felt before. Like I feel like someone died...or like I did after hearing some really bad news. I can't fake a smile...I can't just keep going cause I hurt. I have finally realized tonight that I did nothing wrong... I did everything I knew to survive. It is so sad...because no child should have had to go through what I did. It feels like my life as I knew it ended.... and all the love and trust my parents taught me was cut and broken and feels impossible to fix. I am scared that even if I do all this work... that I still won't feel whole. This is all so new...but I know that that little girl who was only 12 when life ended. I was so hurt and scared and lost and had no idea what to do. I can't believe I typed this. It hurts like nothing I have felt in my adult life. But I do know that this hurt will turn to good. I just am trying to be gentle with me...and reminding myself that this will pass... Hard hard days.... Sarah
  6. accepting help

    is just not possible for me. It triggers so many things it is just freaking nuts. I am almost 3 weeks out from having surgery, and am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of asking anyone for anything. I cleaned the house today cause it was just gross...and I am in pain right now...so stupid. But I don't know what else to do...I know I could leave it a total mess, but I can't stand it. And I have asked my husband to do so much, and my family and friends...I think they are tapped out. And really....everyone has enough of their own stuff to do. Last night I went to the grocery store cause Paul was too tired. I feel so wimpy and can't get out of it...I mean I need to stand up and say...what..I know you are tired, and I have been in bed all day so you need to go to the store?!?!?! That is just not right. I went and it was not ok. After being home for so many weeks, I don't want to go anywhere...or see anyone...or talk to anyone... Tonight when Paul got home he was just in an annoying grumpy mood....like we were a problem. The kids so excited to see him, and he was just short. I hate that. He wasen't yelling...but being short...but that still triggers me...I don't like it. Then he got all pissed at me for something really dumb...and I asked him to stop talking please, I can't listen to him when he is like that and HE KNOWS that....he kept talking and said he needs to say how he feels. Well that is fine if you can talk softly and not sound mean. Now I am just over the edge triggered and don't want his help for a freaking thing...and NOW he acts like he is pissed at me....WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I am OVER OVER OVER all this....I need my body back...I need my life back....this is not living... Sarah
  7. Lots of stuff...

    I have not posted in forever here.....I have not had any energy to write. But now my head is spinning with all sorts of stuff. I am so upset that I hada to have surgury so quickly and without much warning. I mean I found out Friday that I needed to have my ovary removed quickly....so we set it up for that Wed. I was already scared to death...then Sat. night my bleeding got MUCH MUCH worse...I could bearly stand..or walk...or talk...I had lost TONS of blood. I was so anemic, that if I would have waited until morning, I would have most likely had a stroke. They started giving me blood about 15 minutes after I got there. I am very angry with myself for how everything came out... I told Paul on Sat. night about 1:15 in the morning, that I thought I needed to go to the ER cause it was just bad. We tried to figure out what to do...we have 2 small kids, it's the middle of the night. And neither one of us thought it was that bad. I thought I would have to get a shot of hormones. By the grace of God, my best friend was up at that time, and I called to tell her. She was up waiting to talk to relatives in France. So she came and met me. It was so so so scary...I have not even talked about this or anything but the is..I can't to get it out of my head. I was first asked to put on one of the gowns...then the nurse came in and I started to tell her what was going on...and the Dr. came in. He asked a few questions and before I knew it...he said he needed to examine me right away...UGGGGGGGGG I freaked out...to the point they were worried about my blood pressure and gave me oxygen...It just hurt SO bad...and scared me and it was just crazy. They both came back in a few minutes later and gave me the results...I would need to be admitted and given transfusions started asap. So I went from thinking I would get a shock of hormones to being put in the hospital and having surgury much sooner. I was given some pain killers to help me rest, and to try and get me to calm down...Then it was morning before I knew it...and my Dr. was there and my family and he said they had to do surgury right away. Like in 20 minutes...I was taken to the preop room and was totally out of it... I woke up shaking and crying and so scared...it hurt like HOLY HELL..I needed something...this was NOT ok. It didn't hurt like this before...and I was stuck to the table..and no one was listening to me. I finally got some pain meds, and Paul was there holding my hand while I sobbed....and didn't know wtf was going on...the next day was a total blur...I hurt and had this cut on me that was triggering me to death. I couldn't get up...or eat...or do anything. It just hurt. He stayed with me ALL night and until I finally fell asleep in the morning. My Dr. came in, and exlained everything...what he did, what to expect, how to deal, and said that this must me so hard because I was not ready mentally. He knows a little about my history. He said I was doing great and he was so proud of how I did in the emergency. He told me how close to death I was...and how by making that decision to come to the ER had saved my life. I could very well have gone to bed and NOT gotten up....I am not sure if I believe that...but still...crazy stuff.. So now....almost 2 weeks later...I am still in shock. Still very weak, and now just sad that I can't take care of myself yet. I am angry that I feel the way I do...and even more angry that OLD shit is bothering me so much...this whole thing has just been way way to much.... I am trying to get back to normal.really trying.....I am supposed to not do anything until Oct. 4th when I go back. I am going to try and make it until then....but not cleaning, or cooking, or shopping, or standing up for more then 10 minutes an hour is getting OLD very fast...my family NEEDS me... So that's the ramble for today... Sarah
  8. trying

    This entry is probably not going to make any sense...cause I feel like my head is spinning out of control tonight. I need to get some self control back...tonight it is just lost. I have been working for 2 weeks now, I still don't know how I feel about it. During the day while teaching it is ok....then I get home and am so tired I feel horrible...then if I am lucky I get some energy back for dinner and bath time...then the kids go to bed...and it starts. The horrible thoughts and memories and the reality of what I am going through. I have been very quiet on the board the last few weeks...I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't know how to say...yeah I am working and money is nice...but I am not so good. I have been doing T after school, and then 2 hours after that we have couples...then the hour long drive home. So on Tuesdays I leave the house at 7:45 and don't get home until almost 11. Then I have to try and calm down so I can get up by 6 the next morning...leaving VERY little time to process what happened at T and couples. I just don't know if I should stay working and push through this...and know that it will work out? Or stop working and have time for me and be very tight with money...I have NO idea... My anxiety right now is through the roof...I mean just crazy...my hands just shake 24/7...my heart feels like it could fly out of my body...and the memories just won't leave me alone. I hate having them invade my day...Part of the problem is....now I teach middle schoolers...the same age kids of when this crap happened...just looking at them I could cry...I worry that one of them is going through what I did...or worse... I find myself just totally spacing out so much...my thoughts take over and I just can't take it...I wonder if I will ever get better......or be able to actually speak...or write out what happened. It is just stuck. I can't get this out...I hate it...I hate what this has done to my life.
  9. work

    Low does not even describe me right now. I am over load and it just keeps getting worse. I start work tomorrow, after being home with my kids for over 7 years. I am so so very sad. I can't imagine not spending the day without them. I just hurts...They are sad...I am sad....and Paul just doesn't get it. Yesterday while working at a wedding...I walked out of this one building with 2 other people...and someone yelled my name. We all looked but couldn't find anyone...I keep saying it was just a coincedence....but in all reality....I tried to start talking and now he knows....I don't feel safe...I am scared...haven't slept in almost a week...and NOW I get to figure out how to get up and be the happy teacher....and mom....and wife...and friend...and me...idk. I don't see an end....I don't know what to do...I can't talk to anyone right now...I can't email...I can't even IM today...my phone is OFF...my life is just a mess...and I can't get control of it...I just want to be ok..and to feel like I can handle whatever comes my way...the truth is I do handle everything on the outside..BUT on the inside...I can't even think or anything... I feel weak..and like absoulute hell.. Sarah
  10. 3 years ago tonight..

    3 years ago tonight....is when Hurricane Charley hit my house....and the same night when my memories of CSA came flooding back. I was sitting in the bathroom on the floor with my husband, 2 kids, and our best friends. Something hit the roof and the lights went out. We were dealing with 90+ miles per hour winds...and it was SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO scary. It triggered me so much that my T thinks it triggered the same reaction and then brought on this shit.....something about PTSD and crap like that... I had been wondering why everything was so tough right now....and not that this is the ONLY reason...but it is adding to it... I am so tired of this.. Sarah
  11. ....

    I can't really remember a time when I felt like I needed to write but couldn't write anything. But today...I feel like all my thoughts and feelings are just stuck...so many things swirl through my head while I am doing the mom thing...then when I sit down to write...nothing comes. I guess the most upsetting thing to me is why did they do this to me....why did they pick me...is it cause I gave off the type of energy...like from the secret? maybe cause I was so ugly they thought they could just hurt me. how did no one know..will I ever be able to remember all the good stuff that happened in my life..or will it always be just nasty memories after another.. I keep having this same flashback...that I keep trying to write...but I can't. It is just to to to wierd and horrible. I'm trying to push through this...but all these feelings are just so new and scary.. Sarah
  12. same

    Today was the same. I thought telling would make me feel better. Right now I feel about 100 times worse. The physical pain is something that I have never felt...It hurt to even get out of bed today. I felt like I had been hurt all over again...and had to try and hide the fake pain because of the kids. My ribs feel broken I told Paul tonight I felt like something was broken and didn't know what to do....I think I scared him... I did not know that my body would do this...it is scary... The tears are still very much here...I held back most of the day until everyone was in bed...then as I was walking out of my daughters room...it just started and is still happening...4 HOURS later. I am trying to tell myself that in the long run this is better then keeping it all in...but tonight it is hard to remember....and I am scared to be so low... And to think....we didn't even touch on half the crap that happened...idk..so tired of this
  13. tears and truth

    I thought I was done writing tonight...but I just can't stop all the thoughts in my head. All of the sudden I am struck with tears just falling down my face...huge warm tears....and for once these tears are for me. For the absolute hell I have lived through. Today in session while we were working, I had to list the types of abuse I survived. And tonight all those words seem so real and sad. It hurts so much to know that people found JOY ruining my life changing who I would become and taking away the childhood part of my life. It just stopped. I don't think any words could describe what happened. But Keri really thinks I need to give them words to acknoledge what happened and to not minimize. I just don't know I know I have felt hurt before and cried. But it seems each time it hurts and the tears fall....it is more intense. It is so hard to say...oh yeah for 3 years I have been living trying to heal...from shit that happened 15 years ago. I am tired of being upset and people just thinking I am a walking mental case. I don't think there is anything wrong with how long this is taking....that is a HUGE thing for me. Cuase surrendering was just impossible a year ago. But now, I believe I will heal and lead the life I so want....but it still hurts that others just don't get it....SO then I just hide. Sarah
  14. My appt today...telling

    Today has been so crazy. At first when I left everything felt ok and kinda good. I was so relieved when I left that some of this shit is out there. I went and did some stuff at church and totally lost it. I cried and cried and was so scared. I didn't know what to do....cause I mean I have lost it before but this time I just felt like I couldn't move I was stuck. I didn't have my phone with me cause I was in the bathroom but got so triggered that I didn't want to go anywhere. So then I freaked out the people I was helping cause I was in the bathroom for almost 2 hours. Scott from church who knows a little about what's going on...said that maybe I should just go home and chill for a while. So I got in the van and thought for sure that he was behind me...I just knew if. BUT he wasn't. Then I came in and went right to bed...and just got up a little bit ago. My dreams were so scary and nasty and real. It was like everything we talked about kept going through my head with more detail and it just made me sick. I am not sure what to do with all of this...and I know I was so worried that once I opened this that it wouldn't stop....and that is what it feels like right now. I need to make it stop so I can live and not feel so nasty and sad. Is it ok to just take a sleeping pill and go right back to sleep? Or should I not do that... I am trying to not be nasty to myself about feeling like this...I knew it wouldn't make me feel better right away and I thought today might be rough. I just need to be reminded how to make all this crap in my head slow down.. Sarah
  15. anxiety..who me?

    Yesterday just sucked. BAD. I am over all the stress and the amount of energy this takes. It hurts so much and I have had one panic attack after another since last night at 9pm. I didn't sleep at all, with sleeping pills. I thought these new meds would help with this but no luck. I felt like I was doing a little better only to be thrown back into the pit of hell. I don't know how to deal anymore.....I try all my coping skills...good and bad. And have the same reaction. The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different reaction...WELL....for 3 years I have been doing the same thing over and over again...so what does that mean... I am supposed to talk to my little self and tell her truthful things. Not allow her to control my thoughts and feelings...That no one could have done what they told me they did. Not even the goverment can do it. They were horrible people...and I believed the. Truth being...I know now that it isn't true. I want with all of my adult self to get this OUT of me...to finally be free from all the crap they put in my head. My kid self is totally freaking out. I kinda feel like I just need to have a super long session and just force myself to do this...I can't close it once its opened. And when I leave after opening this...I can't bring myself back to ok for days. Is that just crazy.. But I know I need to trust my gut...and my gut says to do it. I need to try and trust that adult part of me. I feel like I need someone to kinda pull it out of me....like I need someone to know some of the really bad stuff..and bring it up and question the hell out of me until I get it out. It seems so harsh..but I really think that is the only way. Cause if I just try to start talking....nothing comes out. But if someone asks all kinds of direct questions..I don't want to be mean and not answer them. Even though it totally sucks. I know with my best friend that is what she did to get some stuff out in the beginning. Then I feel like I didn't choose to do it...I was asked and it was brought up...so I decided to answer. My thought process is just going nuts right now... I seems like when I am in the place it is easier for me to talk cause when I feel like shit...I know that in the LONG run I will get better...but if I miss when I feel like crap...and wait until later...I start to feel better..and then I don't want to bring this shit back in. Who knows...right now I am just over it..and so anxious Sarah