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  • Birthday 02/05/1975

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  1. Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never). SELF ESTEEM 1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes 2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Always 3. I feel ashamed. Usually 4. I'm different from other people. Always 5. I feel powerless. Rarely 6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.Usually 7. I want to die.Rarely 8. I want to kill myself. Rarely 9. I hate myself.Usually 10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.Usually 11. I don't deserve to be happy.Usually 12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.Usually 13. I'm often confused.Usually 14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes 15. I'm scared of success.Sometimes 16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.Sometimes 17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.Usually 18. I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes 19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.Rarely 20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.Sometimes MY FEELINGS 1. I don't think feelings are very important.Never 2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Usually 3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes 4. I only experience one or two emotions.Sometimes 5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.Usually 6. I have a hard time crying freely. Usually 7. I cry all the time. Never 8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.Sometimes 9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes 10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes 11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes 12. I get depressed a lot. Sometimes 13. I have a lot of nightmares. Rarely 14. I have panic attacks. Rarely 15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Sometimes 16. I've been violent. Sometimes 17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Sometimes MY BODY 1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.Sometimes 2. I frequently space out. Sometimes 3. My body often feels numb. Sometimes 4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.Usually 5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes 6. I think my body is ugly. Sometimes 7. I hide my body. Usually 8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never 9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Rarely 10. I often eat compulsively. Rarely 11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Sometimes 12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Rarely 13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Never 14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Never 15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Never 16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Rarely 17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Usually INTIMACY 1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Always 2. Most of my relationships just don't work.Always 3. I don't have many friends. Usually 4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Always 5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Always 6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Usually 7. I don't know what love is. Usually 8. I find it hard to trust people.Sometimes 9. I think people are going to leave me. Usually 10. I test people a lot. Rarely 11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Sometimes 12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.Sometimes 13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.Usually 14. I have a hard time saying no. Sometimes 15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Rarely 16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. Never 17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.Never 18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Never 19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Rarely 20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.Always SEXUALITY 1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.Always 2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Always 3. I really think sex is disgusting. Always 4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Always 5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. 6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Never 7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Never 8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Never 9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. 10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Never 11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.Never 12. I've sold myself for sex. Never 13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Sometimes 14. I need to control everything about sex. 15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. 16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. 17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. 18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never 19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. 20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Always 21. I've sexually abused others. Never CHILDREN AND PARENTING 1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Sometimes 2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Sometimes 3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Never 4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Sometimes 5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. Usually 6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.Never 7. I tend to be overprotective. Sometimes 8. I've successfully protected children. Always 9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Sometimes 10. I have abused children. Never 11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).Never MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN 1. I have strained relationships with my family. Always 2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)Usually 3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.Usually 4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Always 5. I feel razy when I'm around my family. Always 6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Never 7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Never 8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Never If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today. 1. When I look over my responses, I feel...confused 2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...intimacy, family, self esteem,relationships 3. I was least affected in the areas 4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...don't know 5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...self esteem 6. I already made major strides in the following, family 7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...relationships, intimacy 8. I was surprised by...don't know 9. I learned...don't know
  2. Thanks so much for this thread it is so useful and i can now see how some people who have been abused and raped might not yet be ready to label it for what it is. my confusion of was it or wasn't it and self blame stops me from moving forward. I was surrounded by people on a youth group camp when he first touched me and i started to talk to the youth group members as though i didn't like it and the response was to tell me off and explain to me that if i never wanted it i would have dumped him. My constant attempts to dump him ended up with me stealing him from his girlfriend and sinning cause he kept touching me and they kept telling me off for it. i get confused between how i felt and how the youth group members assumed i felt, there is no way i could be the only right person there and everyone else be wrong. also i ended up obedient to everything he asked me to do including consent. So it is really hard for me to label it without denial and self blame. It is useful for me to see others who can label it for what it is.
  3. Thanks for posting i totally get that i was 17, and also surrounded by people i knew and blamed. I like this task because it is easy for me to read other posts and see it was never their fault. so here goes... It was really my fault because i went over there It was really my fault because i never said no, screamed or fought him It was really my fault because i kissed him when he asked It was really my fault because i could have left It was really my fault because i said yes It was really my fault because i put it in and did what i was told It was really my fault because i didn't ask my youth group leader to get him off me when he was watching. It was really my fault because everyone else there knew i was choosing to sin It wasn't my fault because he acknowledged i never wanted it by calling me frigid, he heard me and continued It wasn't my fault because he chose to set me up and feed me alcohol, It wasn't my fault because he heard my friend when she said she didn't want any alcohol so he would have heard me too. It wasn't my fault because he wouldn't stop until i complied It wasn't my fault because i was raised to obey without question It wasn't my fault because he was a bit older, and a lot stronger and bigger than me It wasn't my fault because i learned quickly with him that no matter where i went he would find me and stay with me It wasn't my fault because everyone heard me yelling at him repeatedly to leave me alone but chose not to hear it.