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About BluesBlues

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    Anger will never be my friend...
  • Birthday 03/28/1971

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  1. Birthday Blues

    Last week I turned 40, and I thought about all the things i had done over the years. All the friends i've made and kept. All the relationships i've had and lost. All the work and schooling and adventures i'd been on. I thought of a lot of it with really great memories. I journaled and I laughed and I cried and got angry at stupid stuff all over again. Yup, that's the problem with reflection, you remember EVERYTHING! But most importantly you remember how you were made to feel. I'm grateful for my experiences, they've helped me to grow and to learn and to be the person I am. I'm grateful for the people who've come into my life and left their mark on me. And I them. Everyone of them had something to give, something to teach, something to share and I gave them those things in return. I'm grateful for all the things i've learned to do over the years. I've done restaurant management, I've been a baker, a student multiple times, an informal teacher a cashier, a nanny, a sales person, a gardener, a graphic designer and a writer of sorts. Oh and will always be an artist and bad poet. LOL! But I did and do them all. And probably a few more things i've forgotten, like being a delivery person. Yeah that was fun. This year I'm adding Victims Advocate to my resume. Yeah that's me, going to the hospital when one of us is assaulted to be there for the victims. To hold their hand and let them cry and to tell them they didn't do anything wrong. You know, all the stuff that I never got to hear or feel. Yes, i'm doing it and i'm grateful that I can. Because it means i've healed enough, just enough that I can handle someone's hurt and fear and aloneness. And I can help make the process easier. So yes, I'm grateful. Here's the freakin' kicker though. I'm not grateful for having to be here. I don't see what having had these things happen to me taught me. That I can survive? That I can have compassion for other victims? That even though it still hurts, I can still function? BS. I'm not grateful for any of that, i'm just not. Because none of us should have to have gone through any of this. None of us deserved it. The only thing about this that i'm grateful for is that despite all this, i'm still here, I wake up everyday and go on. They didn't win I did, because I exist and I am worthy of more than what was given to me. So happy birthday to me. I made it to 40. Kinda bittersweet isn't it?
  2. body memories/body betrayals?

    I had therapy today and it was one of the hardest sessions I've had in a long time. I've made it hard by choosing a. Male therapist in some ways at least. Today was one of those days. I had to write down what was happening. I haven't done that in years. I'm usually pretty open. And he's one of the only men I completely trust. Which is why I went ahead with telling him. I wiash I had more control over my reactions. I wish that my last SA hadn't lasted so long that my body eventually responded. I wish that I could talk about it without that happening. I wish that if I have to have flashbacks the body betrayals weren't a part of it. And I wish that when I want to be sexual that it didn't turn ugly and I didn't hurt myself. That's my reality. Yhats what I had to share today with someone I respect hos male and who I now have a hard time looking in the eye. I hate my body and that I can't control how I feel. I hate this and I hate my life right now.
  3. Thanks BJ and welcome to Pandy's although i'm sorry you have to be here. Still looking for the day when we don't get a new member at least for one day. Sadly that won't happen. You are right, some people are just luckier than others and some hide their crap really well. I hope you find what you need here. Hugs to you if ok? BluesBlues
  4. Feeling kinda worthless tonight...

    Seems like everything I do and everything I say is wrong. I screw up at work. I screw up with friends, money, my animals, my house. I can't seem to get anything right. My life always feels like i'm just one step away from losing everything. People keep telling me to not be so hard on myself. I try not to but I feel like i'm always being punished for something I didn't do right when most of the time I don't see how I could have done better. Life isn't supposed to be this difficult is it? I mean I know everyone has their own issues, but I see people that have it all together and then I look around my world and I see all these inadequacies. I always feel like i'm a step behind everyone else. It just seems like I can't balance life and emotions and trauma and everything else. I'm just not equipped to do a good job at it. Ok, yeah i'm feeling sorry for myself. I just feel worthless.
  5. Thanks, it is huge isn't it.
  6. i'm trying...

    Today is a really difficult day. All I can say to this is that i'm trying as hard as I can. And wondering if all the pain of bringing it all up is worth it. I'm tired. But i'm trying as hard as I can. That has to be enough for today.
  7. What does the anger do for me?

    Went to T a couple of days ago and had a very difficult time. I made the decision to totally do the forgiveness work. In order to do get to the point were I can forgive though I have to work through the emotions of whats left. What's blocking me. What's keeping me stuck in the never ending depression and hurt. Right now the block is ANGER. I don't know if there will be a block after that but right now that's were the focus is. The question that he kept asking me was "What does the anger do for you" I talked and cried and got even angrier. I argued and questioned why I should forgive in the first place. I pulled the it's not fair tantrum. I pulled the "well he got to go on with his life as if nothing happened" defense. So why should I forgive him? My T would say well how do you know that? I said I don't, but I don't care! My reality is that he went on and I didn't. I don't care if he had it hard or not. I hope he's dead and gone. My reality is that i'm still living with it and will have to for the rest of my life. Again he asked what was the anger doing for me. I never was able to answer. My T thinks it's a protection mechanism. I don't know that I agree with that. It didn't hit my radar as that. I just feel angry. Can't I just be angry without it having to be doing something for me. Yesterday my T sent these worksheets. One was the four steps to radical forgiveness, the other was Radical Forgiveness Miracles. See the whole thing that gets me is the wording of some of this stuff. I'd give an example but I don't want to bias anyone who's going through the process. So what does the anger do for me? It assures me that I did nothing wrong or I wouldn't feel this pain. It keeps me firm in the knowledge that by being angry I will never let something like that happen again. Yeah, there's the protection part. It also let's me know that if I see him ever again I will not go quietly, I will not cower and whimper and be weak. I will not submit to his brutality easily. It also means that i'm punishing myself by not letting go. So be it... 65E05EE5-F393-8DAE-D76C-B310FFCC07091.02.28
  8. And from now on don't give your name or confirm any info. It gives them familiarity when they are asked about it. Don't help them. I'm not lecturing just advising. You have a right to refuse to answer any question, touch or space of time. Walk away, run if need be, K? BluesBlues
  9. Thank you, I love your 6 word daily sayings as well, I may try that one.
  10. Yeah, me too. She is amazing and funny too, but yeah she gets it. That's what was so good about what she was saying to me. It came from a place of knowing.
  11. How do you love yourself?

    A friend of mine decided that I needed to be talked to about the way I was so hard on myself. She said someone helped her get through the hopelessness and her low self esteem and that she loved me so much that she thought I could have some of the same benefits as she got from what she was told. She took me to dinner at the Blue Koi. And we sat and talked for hours over pork dumplings and chicken wraps and ginger tea. People buzzed around us and I thought people were watching us and listening to us. I wanted to shrivel up and die right there. I held in the tears and shrank into myself and started to listen. REALLY listen. She talked and talked and talked. She knew I couldn't respond. She knew I was listening tho'. And after a while the people around us just quit mattering to me. It was the most loving lecture i'd ever had. She told me about filling my cup with joy. Replacing the bad stuff with good stuff. She talked about how I was only running on 10% most of the time. 10% being the good, 90% being the bad stuff weighing me down. And how eventually the 10% wouldn't be enough. She talked about how if I couldn't love myself, how could I expect to love someone else or someone love me. She talked about self worth and hopelessness and how she saw that I was harder on myself than I was on anyone and how could I be that way to myself when I wouldn't allow it of anyone else. On and on she went. She can do that. And I sat there shriveled in my shell listening. Absorbing. Seeing it the way she did. I couldn't go home alone. I didn't trust myself to be alone. I was afraid to be alone. So I went to her and her partners house to stay. She calls it my summer home. I'm there just as much if not more than my own home. We watched TV and eventually went hot tubbing. I was quiet and reflective. Her partner eventually got out and left us there. Usually I like to stay in longer than they do. She never left tho. She knew eventually i'd start talking and I did. It was hard. But once I started talking it got easier. We stayed in their a long time. I asked her what she saw in me that made her want to have this talk with me. She said she saw herself in me. She says that alot. I never understood why. She said she saw the hopelessness and fear and anger and sadness. She told me stories of lost loves and what she thought were parents that treated her badly. She said she knew what it was like to be were I was. I wondered if she ever felt like she wanted to give up and die. I didn't ask tho'. And I thought how sad that she had felt that way. It made my heart hurt. That was two days ago. Ya know I didn't think about this until today but how come I didn't feel sad for myself? How is it that I can have empathy for someone else and not for myself. How is it that I can forgive others but not myself. How is it that I can't love me? The next day I listened to my thoughts. What was I saying to myself on a daily basis. I started writing at work every free minute I had. I came home and wrote and wrote some more. I was up most of the night listening to my thoughts and writing. Eventually I slept. I got up and went to work, it was sooooo busy today. I didn't have time even to think. And when I came home tonight, I wrote some more. And I eventually posted the daily affirmation/mantra of self love that I will start saying every morning and every night. I posted it here in a previous entry. Everything in it is saying the opposite of what I was telling myself all these years. It's say what I won't do anymore. It's telling me the good things about me. It's saying what I want for my future life to be. It's taking back my power. She said she couldn't come get me. She said I'd have to come out from hiding behind that tree where I thought it was safe. I think she did come and get me, I just have to follow or choose a different path from the one i'm on. I told her I couldn't promise i'd stay on the path but that i'd do my best. And I thanked her for the detour and the love. All these years and no one has ever talked to me the way she did and with only love in her heart. She wasn't saying she was tired of me, she was saying she was tired of how I was treating myself. There's a big difference in that.
  12. Daily Affirmations of Self Love

    Daily Affirmations of Self Love I am loving, loved and lovable. I am beautiful inside & out. I am respectful, respectable & respected. I am intelligent, well educated and will continue to learn, grow and evolve into a better and better person. I am a responsible home owner. I am good just the way I am but I can & will be better. I am perfect, whole and healed. My past, my weight, my emotions don't define me. My actions and the way I live my life define me. My skin color, sexuality, gender and religious beliefs don't define me. Outside circumstances, events and people's actions, reactions and opinions don't define me. Evils done to me don't define me. My opinion is the only opinion that matters. My person, my lover & friend will show herself and want from me all that I want from her and am willing and capable of giving. My God is an awesome, loving, benevolent God and I am a child of God, made in His, Her, Spirits image. I can do anything and will do everything I choose to do with success and determination. I forgive myself for believing that it was my fault and should have known better. I forgive my mom for not knowing and for not being the mom I wanted but the mom she is. She is an awesome and amazing person. Perfect just the way she is. I forgive the men who hurt me. Their choices are no longer my burdens. I will not punish myself any longer by being sad, angry and hurt. I will not be a victim. I will not look at myself as less than. I will not harbor feelings of shame or guilt any more. I will be a survivor and more importantly an achiever. I will trust, I will heal, I will love and allow myself to be loved, I will find my joy. I will attain all that I want and wish for. I embrace joy, welcome joy, covet joy, show joy and exude joy. My future is bright and joyous and full of adventure and accomplishments. I want to live in it and not through it. I love my life, I love my friends, I love my family and most assuredly I love ME!
  13. You are both right, I'm still here so I suppose I am surviving. Letting go is harder and seeing the good well I don't remember a lot of good. Seems like those memories were squelched but i'll try. Thank you both. BluesBlues
  14. I am so lost. I don't know where to begin. Begin wherever you are, wherever you are comfortable. I've learned that in healing it's not a process that goes in order. You jump from one thing to the next and sometimes back again. It's not a complicated process that says you have to be at this stage at this time. There's no time limit and no set agenda. Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, and most of all try to learn not to be ashamed because anyone on here will tell you it wasn't your fault. YOU shouldn't be the one ashamed. The one's that hurt you should. Peace and Hugs to you if ok BluesBlues