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About desillusionner

  • Birthday 03/25/1986

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  1. Hello law school.

    So, I finally made it to law school. And I like it.... But some days it just hurts like hell. It's incredibly difficult to listen to people discuss sexual offenses from a purely legal point of view. I can't blame my crim law professor - she has done a very good job of prefacing any discussions on the subject with a reminder to be sensitive because we don't know others' experiences. But I still ache as I sit there and clench my fists together to make the pain diminish from my memories. I understand the need to discuss it from a legal and intellectual perspective, and I suppose if called on I could engage the subject on that level. But it doesn't just stay at that level for me. And the unfairness of knowing there was no real closure or retribution for my abuse because I didn't want to pursue legal action at age 14 (nor do I really want to now) is sometimes just too much for me. I know I'm strong enough to make it. But I have been doing so well in my healing for a long time, and I don't want to go back down the road of hurt and suffering that the memories will always hold. I don't want to lose any of the healing I've gained, particularly when I have no choice but to learn the laws surrounding sex offenses and sit through the class discussions on it.
  2. Manager and annis

    I'm just feeling down tonight. Feeling very fragmented and like I will never be whole, will never be more than a pile of shards. A little background: nobody at work knows about the ab*se - or really anything of substance about me. It's just too hard to tell them. But one of my managers is very open about his past and that his step-father was very ab*sive toward him and his siblings. And sometimes his openness makes it really hard for me to keep doing my job because he triggers me. I'm sure that if he knew it upset me, he would look out for his "big mouth," but I could never ever tell him how and why he upsets me. So anyone, today he was reminding me that he has Halloween off because it's his day to party, particularly since it's also the day his stepfather died (who r*ped him when he was young). And I was so envious that he could have a day like that to celebrate. I want to be able to celebrate my anni (Valentine's Day) instead of spending the day hiding from everything. It was the end of 4 years of ab*se, after all, and in a sense, it's my "independence day." But it's also the only time of the year I can specifically match my memories up to a specific set of days. Some memories I can match to certain seasons of the year, but never a calendar day. And so V. Day is a day for me to acknowledge the past and grieve over the death of that innocent young girl. But there's not much room for celebration then, either. Maybe someday I will reach a point where I can celebrate surviving. But I'm not there yet, and seeing someone who has made it there only made me feel even more broken.
  3. Doing So Well.

    A little time, a lot of healing, and even I am amazed at how well I am doing. I feel whole, almost. A lot less broken than I have felt in ten years. I can look ahead to the future and smile about it. In a year I will start law school, and I am looking forward to all the big changes that go along with it. As long as my cat is with me, I'll make it. Rachael Sage has this amazing song called Bravedancing, and lately it has become an anthem of sorts for me. Its beginning lyrics are: "You came to me like lightning upon a picket fence Shattering my illusion with shockingly bad sense And I may never feel the same But I won’t always feel this pain So let faith fall on me now I’m gonna be here ‘till the end If you do not see me bend Then you will know I have been brave dancing"
  4. I find this song absolutely haunting, but it is a great comfort to me. Remember The Tinman -- Tracy Chapman there are locks on the doors, chains stretched across all the entries to lead inside. there's a gate and a fence with bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside. who stole your heart, left you with a space no one or nothing can fill? who stole your heart, who took it away, knowing that without it you can't live? who took away the part so essential to the whole, left you a hollow body, skin and bone? what robber, what thief? who stole your heart and the key? who stole your heart, the smile from your face, the innocence, the light from your eyes? who stole your heart, did you give it away? and if so, when and why? who took away the part so essential to the whole, left you a hollow body, skin and bone? what robber, what thief? who stole your heart and the key? now all sentiment is gone no you have no trust in no one who stole your heart? did you know but forget the method and moment in time? was it a trickster using mirror and sleight of hand, a strong elixir or a potion that you drank? who hurt your heart, bruised it in a place no one or nothing can heal? you've gone to wizards, princes and magic men you've gone witches, the good, the bad, the indifferent still all sentiment is gone still you have no trust in no one you can tear down the walls, throw your armor away remove all blocks, barricades you can forget there are bandits, dragons to slay but don't forget you defend an empty space and remember the Tinman finally found what he thought he lacked remember the Tinman, go find your heart and take it back who stole your heart, maybe no one can say one day you will find it, i pray
  5. This is a good idea, particularly since I have never allowed myself to list my triggers and just 'look' at them.. **obviously, any reference to r*pe, in*est, or m*lest*tion **p*rn of any form, even just a reference to it or joke about it **any references to male or female anatomy **a completely dark room **anyone touching me at all without me initiating the contact **hands **anyone having any physical contact with another person, even just on tv **my little sister (she's at the age where the abuse happened for me) or anyone between 10 and 14 **tight-fitting clothes, particularly tight shorts or short-shorts **references to people's weights and sizes **any guy touching me in any way **sleeping in any room that doesn't have a locked door **sleeping in the same room as a guy **close relationships with guys, even though they are all platonic, I can't handle the emotional intimacy **television shows involving social workers **the farm I lived on **creaky noises **any bed **men's deoderant **old, beat-up armoires (yes, obscure furniture) **my brother **my uncle (whom my brother stole p*rn from, this still bothers me) **adolescent boys in general **the game chess **fishing or digging for worms **poker **the thought of having a husband **life, at least at the moment **strange guys at work trying to strike up a conversation (I'm a waitress). I am always suspicious of their motives and really bothered by it. Wow. Now I know why I never did this before. I hate to think that some very normal things and relationships are now incredibly tainted and avoided.