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About espoir_de_lavenir

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    Standing under the willow, staring at the stars...
  • Birthday 08/29/1993

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  • Location
    North Carolina
  • Interests
    I really enjoy reading, writing, drawing, photography and playing volleyball.
    I'm am ovo-lacto vegetarian. =)
    You can vist my gallery of poems and pictures on deviantart.
  1. Been Away for a While

    Hey there. =) I've been away for a while, which, I'm sure you probably realize, if you've read the title. But, things started popping up. I started to get sick, and started having some issues with my parents and college (which, by the way, I'm starting in the fall. I'M FINALLY MOVING OUT!!). Anywho, things have just been hectic, and I haven't been able to keep up with many people in the state I was in at the time. Missed you all, Asper
  2. Just a Thought... *TW*

    If there was one person you could say has made the biggest impact on your life, who would it be? Right now, almost everyone is naming off a family member or a friend, but I would chose someone whose name I never even knew. When I was six years old, I was at an auction in one of the smallest towns in northwestern Ohio. There was this boy who kept coming up to me and talking to me. I was kind of shocked at first because, being six and all, I knew most people didn't "click" with me right away. He was so sweet, but at the time I thought it was a little creepy at the same time. Later in the day, he picked some wild daisies, gave them to me, and ran away, but not before planting a kiss directly on my lips. I was in complete shock; I didn't know what to do. It was the first time anyone, outside of family, had kissed me. So, I just stood there with a dopey smile on my face. My brother and my dad weren't happy about it at the time, but I don't think that they even remember anymore. In fact, I'm not sure that this boy even remembers what he did, but I'm sure he doesn't know how he's helped me. To this day, whenever I'm feeling at my lowest, I think about this boy who cared for me without knowing my name. The knowledge that there is at least one person out there who cared enough about me to gather up the courage to do something about it, comforts me in a way you wouldn't expect. That event, and that boy has stopped me from doing a single act over and over again, and in his own way, without even realizing what he's done, he has saved my life on countless occasions. Sure, this may sound a little silly, that a kiss that happened over ten years ago has saved my life, but wouldn't it help you to know that there was someone out there willing to risk personal injury just to give you some flowers and a kiss? The thought that I had passing through my mind today was, the simple acts between strangers can have a lasting effect. The next time you see some one struggling to get through the door, or needs help in some small way, (their hands are full, they could use some help putting groceries in the back of a vehicle, or even if they look like they could use a hug...) take the time to stop and help them out. You could be saving a life somewhere down the line. And one more thing. To the little boy who I met on the Pearson's farm ten years ago: Thank you so much, that one act; just the thought that someone, no matter their age, cared enough about me that they would risk the wrath of my brothers and father, has helped me through a lot; more then you'll ever know...
  3. Kids

    The large, innocent eyes of a child are staring back at you; what else can you do but smile? They look at you as if you're their world, even if it's just for a moment. It makes me feel on top of the world when the kids I babysit look at me like that. Kids have this instantaneous calming effect on me. They make me feel so at ease, when I'm normally strung to the point of breaking. They seem to radiate the feeling of "it's O.K." and it's just one of the many things I love about them. Not only do they radiate that feeling, but they bring out the protector in most of us. I see those angelic faces and all I want to do is protect them from everything that I can while they're in my care. When they cry, they make your heart ache with sympathy, even if the crying is due to something that they did wrong. When they smile at you, it makes you wonder what you did right so that you can do it again. And, when they sleep, they look so peaceful and much like the angels that they are. They look so fragile, but you know how tough they can be. They'll settle for kisses instead of band aids when the wound isn't more then a small scratch. When they skin they're poor little knees, they look at you with tear filled eyes; too stubborn to cry, but they're counting on you to take care of them and make the hurt dissipate. Just watching them play is enough to make you love them. The little girls trying to gain the attention of the boys in "indiscrete" ways. The boys running around and putting on that brave face when they fall and you know it has to hurt. When I watch them and see that they haven't a care, I suddenly don't mind becoming a human jungle gym. It takes me back to a time when things were so simple, and the hardest decision that I had to make was deciding if I really wanted to wear that pink dress that Mom picked out, or wearing my normal t-shirt and jeans. When I enter the church building, I see all of the little kids huddled in one corner, conspiring their mischief for the day. Then, all at once, I'm attacked by one of the girls I watched the night before, her brother, and her best friend. It feels amazing to know that they want to spend time with me instead of their other friends. They all start to talk at once and I try to follow all of the conversations, but it's useless. So, I'll sit in the floor with them and talk to each one personally. They way that they smile at me could make me happy through an entire week, but I know I'll get a second dose of those smiles and hugs when I come back to teach on Wednesday. The way that they look up to you, makes you want to be a much better person just for them. The way that they are astonished by everything you do, makes you take a closer look at simple things. They way they perceive the world around them amazes me to no end. It helps me take a few more minutes out of my day to try and see things the same way: with total abandon to everything I know, and look at the world as if it was the first time. Children always make you stop to see the little things... The wonders of little brothers coming home for the first time... The big yawns that are caused by older sisters and fussy family... The smiles that happen on the way to the shore with silly cousins... The "boys will be boys" factor... And, the simple love of family (not necessarily those who are related by blood though...)
  4. The Haunting *TW*

    The pitter patter of small feet running on cement threatens to wake me as I dream. I see the little girl to whom the feet belong and a sudden urge to tell her everything will be O.K. comes over me. I know who she is, and I know what she is about to do, but, knowing these things make me want to encourage her, not stop her. It was the few months of summer before September 11, 2001, and this girl is completely unaware of how her life is about to change. She was running across a long and winding driveway to a barn in the coolness of dusk. She peeked inside and a smile spread across her face upon seeing the man inside. It was the one person she would wait for to come home from work just so she could come outside and work some more with him: it was her father. He was bent over a piece of a tractor, and she thought she would be able to sneak up on him, so, she came inside as quietly as she could. He was humming along to the song that was playing on the radio, giving her no clue that he knew what she was about to do. She came up behind him, but he turned before she could touch him, and he smiled brightly at her. As he wrapped her in his arms, the pout she had for failing to scare him once again started to disappear. Their station started to play "Daddy's Girl," and he let her go, only to hold out his hand so they could proceed to dance. His hands were so big and rough that they completely covered hers when she placed it within, and she did not care. They were full of grease and grime, but she took them anyways. It was beginning to get dark outside, but they still had the light from the barn to dance by as they continued through the next few songs. She was so happy in that one moment that I wished she wouldn't have to know the events that were about to occur in a few short months. However, life has its own way of showing us what we must do and how we must do it. The events that she would come to know happened after that September, and, for a time, she would have to give up the dances with her daddy and all of her childish cares so that he could do what he felt he needed to and help protect all of us from the dangers that we faced. In my dream, I watched as he spun her around, wishing that I was that little girl again. She was only six, completely unaware of what was yet to come, ignorant of what was already happening, and so happy with all of the simple things that occurred in her life. The spin replays itself within my mind, and, when she is facing me, I can see the smile that came across her face so clearly. This memory, and the smile of a little girl, who was me, still haunts me when I wake, and when I dream
  5. Silly Talk

    Don't you wish that you could go back to the time in your life when silly talk made perfect sense to you? I know that I often wish I could go back to the time when I could still talk silly talk. I had so much fun talking to my friends using silly talk that only we could understand. There were always those code names we used for the boys we liked (mainly between me and my female friends), analogies that were used often because of an inside joke, and all of the randomness that came with it too. We had so much fun when we were talking silly talk, and all of our problems at home or at school seemed to melt away. If I went up to you and said, "I shall call you squishy, and you shall be mine, and you shall be my squishy." You would probably recognize it from Finding Nemo, but you wouldn't understand why I found it so funny, or why I laugh when someone mentions crickets, but that is the beauty of silly talk. It doesn't have to make sense to the world, it just has to make sense to you. Those times of silly talk were the times that kept me going out in public and going to school when I was too afraid to face the world by myself. It gave me the chance to show my friends how I see the world around me without really telling them how scared I am. The silly talk was just so much easier to express. It gave me a way to hide while being completely honest. Everyone knew when I was talking silly talk because it was always something that made absolute sense to me, but they had to look to see the meaning. It could have been something as simple as lyrics from a song, or it could have been something as complicated as a quote from Shakespear. I never used my own words. But, now the silly talk doesn't seem to come so easily. I struggle to find the right words though lyrics and poems, but other people's words are starting to become too diferent from what I want to say. There are times when I wish I could talk my silly talk once again because it made me brave. I could tell someone that I was completely infatuated with them, and they wouldn't have a clue. They would sit and think about it, then ask me what I said again; I never explained a single thing to them. The silly talk is my way of interacting "normally" with the world, but I realize that I can't hide behind others' words anymore. My days of silly talk are coming to and end. I'll still share the silly talk of me and my friends, but my personal way of silly talk needs to be changed. No matter how brave I feel when hiding behind someone else's words, I need to make my quiet voice be heard.
  6. Scream

    "I want to scream until no sound comes out." Fade to the background and what do you see? Someone hiding in the shadows alone as can be; Shivering, Crying, Trying to hold it all in so that no one is bothered once again. Her mouth open, Gaping, In the soundless scream.... I want to scream, but no sound comes out.
  7. Good Luck...

    Good luck today, Facing the monsters of this world. It's rather scary out there, So, I think I'll settle for staying inside. The world under my covers is much, Much more appealing. No scary things, Only squishy, Soft, Fluffy things to cuddle with, And a boyfriend too
  8. Trapped: The Moment in Between

    I want to badly to break her free, but there's always the issue of security. She looks so pretty trapped behind the glass and in a cage with filthy people pressing their faces close to see. Her sorrow seems to radiate into me as I stare, but there's nothing I can do for her. Her beautiful eyes stare back at me, and I nearly cry because of what I see. She was born, bred, and raised there, so she's never been free. She has never tasted the freedom of what could be. I'm lost for the moment, but the flashes bursting around me bring me back to reality; away from the moment that was between her and me. The people press closer against the glass, and I'm trapped for a moment; the only thing seperating us is the glass. Just her and me. The crowd withers, and I am free, but she will always be... Trapped until the day she dies.
  9. Searching for You

    I look for you in the sky... You never come. I look for you in the snow... You always cease to be. I look for you in the highest of heights, Even though I know that you'll never be there... I look for you in the stars... Hoping to see you in the constellations. I look for you in everything you may be found... And everything you may not be. I look for you in my room... Where I hope you'll always be. I look for you in the heart of each loved one you have... And still, I can't find where you will be. Still searching, I dare to look in the one place I fear you'll finally be... I look for you in my heart... And there you are, looking back at me. It terrifies me...
  10. The Deep *TW*

    This thing is dragging me down into the deep. The water is ice cold as it flows over me, But still the monster's grip is icier then the water's could ever be. It burns my flesh as it keeps on dragging me further and further into the solitude that is the deep. The deep is as black as a million and one nights, And yet, The monster is even blacker then it. The deep consumes me, And for just a moment, I feel totally at peace. Until all at once, The distruction comes, And I am left with nothing. Floating in the deep, Icy hands all around me; Drowning with the monster's hands still wrapped around my neck.
  11. Dear 2 A.M....

    Dear Two AM, Must this keep on? I'm not quite sure why you have this control over me, But please, I need my sleep. We can't continue like this. It isn't right. It's just not natural for us to keep on. No matter how much I love the quiet that you provide, Or the sweet darkness that comes with being in the night, I must get some sleep tonight. My dear Two AM, We really have to stop meeting like this. Always, Me P.S. I'm so sorry, But my new-found loves are called... The blanket, The pillow, And going to sleep before you and I meet. The only thing is, I need then to reciprocate with love for me.
  12. You and Me: Broken Together

    I hurt, And you don't know how to fix it. You hurt, And it blows my mind when I try to comprehend it. So, Why don't we just try to be content in being broken, Together?
  13. Letting it Be...

    He was searching so hard to find a way to fix me, And I was dying to help him. But, What is broken cannot be fixed so easily, And without funds, Help cannot be given so freely. It was something neither of us could see. It took so long, But, It finally dawned on me; We should just let it all be. Even with it all lingering there for the rest of the world to see, We can still be happy. Just him and me, If we could only learn to let it be.
  14. Talking to Myself

    Dear You, I miss the person that I use to be. I was fun and totally unaware. The same way every child is suppose to be. I was happy being me. I miss you quite terribly. Please come back. Stay for a while, Even if it's only for a quick chat. Just please come back. Love, Always, Me
  15. Better Days *TW*

    Seeing you laying there in that hospital bed, it made me weak, knowing that so many before you never left. You looked so small; you looked so weak, and it broke my heart. It made me weep. The smell of the hospital was so strong it hurt to breathe. I couldn't stand it, so I ran from your room. I sat in the chapel, and all I could do was pray. "Please, please, I'm beggin' you. Please, don't take him this way." I looked to the heavens and tears started to fall. I held my hands, clasped tightly enough to make my knuckles go white. It was time to go, but I prayed the whole way home. I couldn't keep off my mind. Later on that day, I got the call that said you were gone. I ran to your favorite place and I sat staring at the door for such a long time. I was wishing and praying that you'd walk right through that door, and you'd wrap me in your arms and tell me it was fine. When the day came and went for your funeral, I couldn't even go into the room. I got to the doorway and I stopped in my tracks. I saw the smile that they had tacked on to your face. It wasn't right. I turned around and walked away; letting all my feelings fade. Later on that year, I visited her. Not knowing what to expect, I braced myself for the worst. Everything was fine, at lest for a little while. Two years passed, and the next thing I knew, she was fading fast. Gone so long without knowing why she was ill. I would hold on to her; never wanting to let go. I could feel her bird-like bones as I hugged her close to me, and I knew that I had to let go. A few more month passed, and I hadn't heard much, other then she was fading fast. She was hard headed untill the end; refusing to let go. But, I was miles away, wishing it wasn't so. The last I heard from her; it was two weeks before she went. I was at the local football game, hanging out with my friends. I realized that night, that I was far away from home, my mom was taking care of her, and my dad was in a war zone. I had no one to help me stand; no one to hold my hand as I spoke with her on the phone; I was all alone. I screamed and I yelled at one of my friends right before the call. I told my friend that I wanted to go home, and I wanted to be with her as she passed. I ran through the park just wondering around; then I got the call and I sank to the ground. My hands were shaking as my mom said, "She really wants to talk to you, but she won't reply to anything that you say. She can't talk at all, but she wants to hear your voice. Will you?" "Put the phone to here ear; I want to tell her something." Silently I prayed, "Please, let her hear." I was on the ground, shaking hard as my body would. "Are you listening?" Mom told me she was. "I miss you, and things are going well. School's going so good, but I wish I could be there with you. I want to let you know how much I love you. When I get the chance to come and see you, we're going to have the best time. I love you." Mom got back on the phone; the tears were coming fast. "She's smiling and she crying, but I know she loves you too." I said, "Listen Mom, the game's about to end; I've gotta go, but untill then, I miss you and I love you; give her a hug and a kiss for me. I'll see ya later." And, I hung up the phone. I was crying so hard that I couldn't see right in front of me. A few days later, I was asked to go into the office of the the lady I was staying with. I sat down and I knew by the look on her face that the news wouldn't be good. She told me that you had gone. I sat there for a little while; I could feel my fading smile. I said O.K. and I walked out of the room. I couldn't cry any more tears for you. I miss you both, even though it's been so long. The memories that you shared with me, I will always hold on to. I wish you were still here with me, but I know you're going somewhere better then where you've been. Honestly, I can't say that I'm happy for you, but I know, someday, that I'll see you again, in the great beyond, my two best friends. But untill that day, here I am, wasting away. Praying hard that God will take me today. You two were what got me through all of my bad days. You got me through everything, even the those days when the bruises were nearly faded, and you saw the look on my face.