CRASHINDOWN

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    15
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About CRASHINDOWN

  • Birthday 09/29/1992

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. I am a survivor...

    I have been a victim for so long, a victim with out a voice. I went so long with out ever telling anyone what happened that in my mind that was all i ever was or would be. I didnt really notice when I stopped being a victim and became a survivor. I lost so much and I felt like I was never gonna get any of it back. I felt like I was trapped in between walls that never stopped trying to close in on me. Everyday became a struggle and every second that passed by I spent scared but some how one day I woke up and relized what he took from me was gone and there was nothing I could do about that but I could keep living. That is one thing that only I have control over and there was NO way I was gonna let him take that from me too. I relize that im never going to be the same but its been so long since I changed that this is really the only way I know how to be and trust me im no where near okay with that but it is how it is. Dont get me wrong I still spend alot of my days scared, I think I see him in alleys or behind doors, I can smell him and sometimes I think I can even hear him but Im trying my best to push past that fear and to continue to live and continue to try and find some kind of peace or happiness again. I finally feel like I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor...
  2. I love this website...

    You know it's kind of sad but the fact of it is that most people outside of this website look at what everyone on here has been through and wonders or thinks why dont we just move on. Why cant we just let go of what happened to us or forget about it and go on with our lives like nothing ever happened. What they dont understand is though every last one of our stories are different we are the same. What happened to us or what is happening to us is a part of who we are. It becomes a part of us whether we want it to or not. Every second of everyday we carry it with us it is always on our minds. Like I said, it becomes a part of us. Some of you might think that what im saying is a bad thing but its not. What happened to us was a terrible thing but were working through it, were talking about it and were slowly getting back to where we were and although we might not ever return to how we used to be we go on living. Every day I feel like no one understands me, my family and friends that know about what happened try to make me feel better but they dont know what im dealing with. They dont understand that even though my cuts and bruises have faded, im still trying to heal on the inside. When something like this happens to a person it changes you it smothers you from the inside out. Alot of the time you live in fear and trying to get over that fear takes everything you have. The idea that even though it feels like YOUR world has stopped everyone elses is still going the same that it always has. My point to all this is that I love this website because it gives me that one chance a day where i can say what I am feeling and know that somone really understands. So I am telling everyone here that even when it feels like no one understands and that your alone in what your feeling YOUR NOT. Your on a website where im pretty sure almost everyone understands so im going to continue writing and talking about what happened and how im dealing with it so that if someone who might be feeling the same way or has felt the same way reads it they will know that they are not alone.
  3. .................

    Its taken me awhile to get back on this site and actually write i just havent been able to put anything in my head into words its all just so complicated. i told my older brother what happened to me i only told him about one time but still i felt good for allowing myself to tell someone else. But once i saw his face, his pain for me, his blame put on him self and the hurt in his eyes. it crushed me. i felt horrible and so sorry that i brought all this upon him. I felt guilty. But after we were done talking and he left all i could feel was blame and it wasnt my brothers fault he repeately told me that it wasnt my fault. i told told him that i know it wasnt my fault but i was lying. Thats all that is in my head. i should have done something even now i could have stopped so much from happening. i KNOW that is was my fault i should have fought more, yelled louder or taken everyones advise and stayed with someone when i was out but i didnt i tried but i couldnt so i guess in a way i got what i deserved
  4. One hell of a day

    I HAD A ROUGH DAY TODAY I SPENT MY WHOLE FIRST PERIOD AND 2ND PERIOD ADVISEMENT CRYING MY EYES OUT BY TIME I GOT TO MY 3RD PERIOD MY FACE WAS SO PUFFY AND RED THAT EVERYONE COULD TELL SOMETHING WAS WRONG WHICH I HATED BECAUSE THAN THEY STARE AND ASK ?'S MOST KIDS WHISPER BUT MY FRIENDS STAY ON ME FOREVER ASKING ME WHAT IS WRONG, OR WHAT HAPPENED. SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY WHEN THEY ASK THAT AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN THEY LEAN IN TO GIVE ME A HUG TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AND I HAVE TO PULL BACK BECAUSE JUST THE LIGHTEST TOUCH FEELS LIKE IM GETTING HIT WITH A HAMMER? I HATE IT MY MOOD FOR TODAY HAS BEEN ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE I SAID I SPENT MY FIRST AND SECOND PERIOD CRYING, I YELLED AT THIS KID IN MY THIRD PERIOD AND I WAS COMPLETLY QUIET FOR 4,5,AND 6 THAN SEVEN PERIOD ROLLED AROUND WHICH IS MORE LIKE 8TH PERIOD BECAUSE I HAD ADVISMENT TODAY BUT ANYWAY LIKE I SAID BY TIME THAT ROLLED AROUND I WAS HAPPY AND JUST COULDNT WAIT TO GET OUT OF THAT SCHOOL UGH WHAT A DAY!!
  5. JUST SAYING

    I feel so alone and so scared sometimes its crazy cause technically im not alone i live with my brother and my mother but still i feel like the 4 walls around me are closing in and there is nothing i can do to get out of the way. My sister and my friends are always telling me that if i needed them they would be there and i beleive them i really do. so why am i so scared than to pick up a fone or a type up a message. it just feels like everything i say is so stupid and when i look at my sister or my friends i can see in there eyes that their so sick of hearing about it but they let me talk so that it wont hurt me. i feel stupid and i feel like people look at me like im a liar. If i had this happening to me than why didnt i put a stop to it why didnt i find a way? i cant answer those questions in any other way than by saying its not that simple and its not that easy they dont understand how much worst it can get for you if everything doesnt work out. IM JUST TIRED OF FIGHTING AND REALLY WHO CAN BLAME ME IVE BEEN FIGHTING SINCE I WAS NINE AND I STILL HAVENT WON. SO WHY NOT GIVE IN WHY NOT NOT STRUGGLE WHY NOT JUST LET HIM GET WHAT HE WANTS AND GO EITHER WAY HES GONNA TAKE WHAT HE WANTS SO WHY FIGHT BACK AND HAVE HIM HIT YOU AND,KICK YOU AND,CHOKE YOU WHY ADD ON TO YOUR PAIN WHEN ITS ALL FOR NOTHING ANY WAY RIGHT?? WELL IM LOGGING OFF FOR THE NIGHT GOODNIGHT PANDYS I HOPE EVERYONE IS SAFE FOR TONIGHT
  6. IF BY ANY CHANCE YOUR DAUGHTER IS SCARED OR NERVOUS TO FACE THE WORLD AFTER HEARING THE STORIES, WHICH I DOUBT THAT SHE IS, BUT IF SHE IS ITS A NORMAL REACTION. SHE HAS SPENT HER WHOLE LIFE SO PROTECTED BY YOU AND HER FATHER AND FOR SOME REASON ONE DAY YOU WONT BE THERE TO PROTECT HER AND SHE WILL HAVE TO STEP OUT INTO THE WORLD ALONE FOR HER VERY FIRST TIME.( SOUNDS HORRIBLE DOESNT IT? ) BUT ATLEAST WHEN THAT TIME DOES COME YOU WILL KNOW THAT SHE KNOWS HOW TO PROTECT HERSELF AND SHE WILL BE MORE WISE TO EVERYTHING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO SOMEONE. MOST GIRLS WALK AROUND LIKE NOTHING CAN HAPPEN TO THEM BUT YOUR DAUGHTER WILL KNOW THAT WHEN SOMETHING DOESNT FEEL RIGHT SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE..... BUT IN THE SAME SINCE I GUESS WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT CAN HAPPEN YOU LOOSE A LIL BIT OF INNOCENSE AS WELL. KIDS SHOULD BE KIDS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO GO OUT AT NIGHT WITH OUT WORRYING ABOUT ANYTHING. BUT ITS BETTER SHE LOOSE THAT LITTLE BIT OF INNOCENSE THROUGH KNOWLEDGE THAN LOOSE ALL OF HER INNOCENCE THROUGH RAPE. P.S IM HERE IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK
  7. I WAS PUNCHED, I WAS KICKED, I WAS CHOKED, AND I WAS RAPED. I WAS WALKING HOME AND I DIDNT HAVE MY KNIFE WHICH I KNOW IS MY FAULT BUT I JUST WASNT THINKING, HE PUSHED ME FROM BEHIND I HIT THE WALL NEXT TO THE ALLEY I PUT MY HANDS OUT BUT I MUST HAVE MISSED AND WENT HEAD FIRST NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS ON THE GROUND I WAS TRYING TO GET UP AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE CAME A BLOW TO MY HEAD AND I BLACKED OUT I COULDNT SEE AND MY HEAD WAS POUNDING. I WENT TO YELL BUT NOTHING CAME OUT AND THAN I WAS KICKED, I FELT ALL THE AIR ESACAPE MY LUNGS,I STRUGGLED TO BREATH AS I CURLED UP INTO A BALL. HE GRABBED MY LEGS AND STRAIGHTNED THEM OUT HE SLAMMED MY LEGS AGAINST THE CONCRETE THAN GRABBED MY HANDS AND SHOVED THEM ABOVE MY HEAD IT FELT LIKE HE WAS BREAKING MY WRIST AND ON TOP OF THAT MY LEGS FELT ALMOST AS IF THEY WERE GOING NUMB. HE HELD MY HANDS WITH ONE ARM AND GRABBED MY THIGH WITH THE OTHER... IM PRETTY SURE YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT I JUST DONT WANT TO SAY IT AGAIN..
  8. I HURT EVRY WHERE

    I ACHE SO BAD RIGHT NOW AND I HAD A WHOLE DAY OF REST NOTHING BUT LAYING IN BED AND WATCHING MOVIES. I TOOK MY SLEEPING MEDICINE AND SOME MOTRIN BUT IM STILL WIDE AWAKE THINKING. LAST NIGHT I FREAKED OUT I JUST NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEONE, ANYONE SO I TEXTED MY FREIND AND MY SISTER IT TOOK THEM A WHILE TO REPLY BUT AFTER THAT I CANT REALLY REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT WE TALKED ABOUT. BUT I DO REMEMBER THAT FOR SOME REASON I WOULDNT BELIEVE MY SISTER WHEN SHE SAID SHE WOULDNT TELL WHICH MAKES NO SENCE SEEING HOW I KNOW SHE WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME, IT MADE ME FEEL AWFUL THAT I DIDNT BELIEVE HER, BUT AT THE MOMENT I GUESS I COULDNT HAVE TRUSTED ANYONE EVEN HER. I ALSO NO THAT SHE SOUNDED SO WORRIED AND I TRIED SO HARD TO GET HER NOT TO WORRY I HATE KNOWING THAT IT IS MY FAULT THAT SHE IS WORRIED AND I HATE THAT I COULDNT TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED OR ANYTHING SHE WANTED TO KNOW I JUST COULDNT TALK AND IM SO SORRY FOR THAT I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
  9. He actually had the nerve...

    He actually had the nerve to let me know that he was coming back and I cant handle that right now. Im so sore, and im so tired of fighting i dont want to give in but than again maybe that would be the smart thing to do, the safe thing to do i just dont feel like i have any fight left in me and i know its pathetic but hey thats me Mrs. Pathetic i mean i cant even have fun anymore and i know im a downer to be around and i really dont mean to be i hate the way i am and i hate it even more that i cant explain to anyone why i am the way i am a d explain to them that i would do anything to not be like that but its just not that simple. ugh im just so tired of everything. im tired of all these emotions and im tired of fighting im just done!!
  10. Hurt...

    So I went to Florida a couple of weeks back and it was great. I was sort of tence in the beginning but once I was there for a couple of days I started to feel comfortable, I wasn't looking around every 10 mins. to make sure there was no one there. I was even able to start looking people in the eye when they addressed me. I felt like i was on top of the world and it was a great sensation. I had someone I could talk to there and know that when i said, "do you know what I mean?" and she said yes, that it was the truth, she really did know what i meant even when i knew i didn't make the least bit of sence. I felt great, but most important i felt safe But now the nightmares are back, the feeling of someone watching all the time is back now too. Now i don't even feel like I can't get off my bed it hurts so bad i feel like my whole body is bruised. i feel sick to my stomach, I hate this so much. My mom learned about what had happened to me and at first i was scared to death but than i thought that maybe now she would understand me and understand why i am the way i am but i guess not i guess she just dont get it. but its whatever i dont care anymore atleast i dont have to worry about anything getting back to her anymore and thats always a plus. Im just tired of these nightmares and always being scared but what happened today is just one more thing to make me relize that the fear is real and the dreams hava a meaning
  11. ?

    Does anyone know what to do for bruised ribs?? It hurts like hell and i dont know what to do about it.
  12. I should have never stayed!

    After everything i went through in my past and is still going through in my present. I should know better than to trust someone deffently someone i barely knew. You tell me, should a friend of a friend deserve the same trust as your origanal friend or no? You go to their house to hang with YOUR friends and to do only that. But hours go by and friends start to leave, and now its just you, your friend and your friend's friend. You've all had some drinks and you friend eventually passes out now your alone with this guy you barely know should you leave or do you hang around to wait for your friend and to have a few more drinks, your a little bit tipsy now and you decide to wait. So does everything from that point on go, is he allowed to say or do whatever just because you chose to stay? When he grabs you by the hips and you tell him to leave you alone is it okay for him to just keep pushing and pulling even though your yelling at him to stop? Is it okay for him to grab you by your hair and pull you to the floor and to put his hand over your mouth making you wonder now what will happen if you scream and kick, and will it even be worth the risk. Now while he's on top of you and kissing you, you try your hardest to hold the tears back and you try to close your eyes and just imagen your self anywhere but there. You constantly pray that your friend will wake up and if not that than atleast after hes done he will just let you go. Every question runs through your mind from Why didnt you leave? to Am I going to survive this? But finally you just go blank and you try to block the pain. You can still feel his hand over your mouth and the weight put on it ever time he moves, its almost like your suffercating. He finally begans to slow and than he comes to a stop you feel his weight lift off you and all there is left to feel is this sharp pain and the tears running down your face. At this moment all you want to do is leave but you cant, you try to come to your feet but its as if your legs are noodles so you just sit there in this little room and cry. Once you feel you can move and you gather whats left of your clothes. You start to leave but your friend is still there so you wake her up. She sees that you have been crying and ask what is wrong, you want so desperetly to hide what has happen so you make up a lie and you and your friend walk to the door. She gives her friend the man who moments before attacked you a hug and says we need to do this again. He leans in to hug you and you want to pull back but you know that will raise questions so you put your arms around him and the moment that you do you feel as if the room is spinning. he whispers in your ear, " not a word" and than you leave and from that point on you act like nothing is different even if the truth is that you really dieing inside.
  13. I wrote something

    THIRTEEN I was thirteen when I first started acting out when thoughts started catching up to me and I began to feel all the pain again. I was just thirteen when I had my first real drink and felt my first real high. I was just thirteen when I decided that I would give in to all the pressure of sex. I was thirteen when I broke my first law and I was thirteen when I stole my first item. I was just thirteen when I skipped school for the first time and I was just thirteen when I got into my first real fight. I was just thirteen when I began to close all the doors that ever let people in. I was just thirteen when I became so drunk and so high that I gave into someone who meant nothing to me. I was just thirteen when a police officer met me at the door of an abandon apartment. I was just thirteen when I first ran from the cops and I was just thirteen when I had my first ride in the back of a police car. I was just thirteen when for the first time in two years I had someone take everything from me all over again. I was just thirteen when my world spiraled out of control. I was just thirteen when I first learned to hide the bruises. I was just thirteen when I started carrying a knife everywhere I went and I was just thirteen when I began to cry myself to sleep. I was just thirteen when I first learned to keep a smile on my face no matter how fake. I was just thirteen when I first lost hope. I was just THIRTEEN. -Tay-Tay
  14. ( NEW AT THIS )

    This is new to me so i am kind of nervous right now about writing all of this down. But hey my mom always said, "writing is the best way to express yourself" so hey who knows maybe this will turn out to be a good thing for me. *Warning* (Alot of this may not make since) but here i go anyway I have had so much happen to me in the last couple of years and it seems like it just keeps on coming. I personally am a survivor and i tend to keep on being one no matter what he does to me. He has caused so many physical and emotional scars and so many bruises and tears that it is unbeleivable. I have done the one thing i said i would never do in my life no matter what because i couldnt handle the idea of having a peice of him with me. Every time and I mean EVERY time iv'e been down hes been there to kick me and being the type of person that i am i would just get right back up, that is until recently when i felt that getting back up just wasnt worth it and thats where my sister which is my biggest supporter came in. It was like i was drowning and some how she managed to pull me out of the water and i am so thankful for that. I have done alot of stupid things trying to escape what happened and it wasnt till it had started happening again that i was forced to remember everything, so my grades started slipping, and so did my focus on everything else. My world started falling apart and even now im waiting for to come back together.
  15. I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOUR SAYING I HAVE SO MANY SCARS THAT I HAVE BECAUSE OF HIM AND EVERYDAY THAT I HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM IS JUST CONSTANT REMINDER OF WHAT HAPPENED. THANKS FOR SHARING IM GLAD SOMEONE FINALLY MENTIONED THE SCARS YOU GET ON THE OUTSIDE TO.