Atargatis

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About Atargatis

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. SELF ESTEEM 1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me- Rarely 2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy- Sometimes 3. I feel ashamed- Of the incident? Never (though I used to) 4. I'm different from other people- Usually 5. I feel powerless- Sometimes 6. If people really knew me, they'd leave- Rarely 7. I want to die- Sometimes 8. I want to kill myself- Sometimes 9. I hate myself- Sometimes 10. I have a hard time taking care of myself- Rarely 11. I don't deserve to be happy- Rarely 12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings- When it comes to people. I basically don't trust anyone that I trust. It's very confusing. 13. I'm often confused- Often 14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them- Sometimes 15. I'm scared of success- Sometimes 16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job- Sometimes 17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside- Rarely 18. I'm a perfectionist- Sometimes 19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life- Rarely 20. I've done a lot of shoplifting- Never MY FEELINGS 1. I don't think feelings are very important- Just mine sometimes, but I'm working on that 2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling- Sometimes 3. I can't tell one feeling from another- Sometimes 4. I only experience one or two emotions- Never 5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings- Rarely 6. I have a hard time crying freely- Often 7. I cry all the time- Rarely 8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy- When it involves other people, yes. 9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm- Rarely 10. I feel enraged a lot of the time- Sometimes 11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me- sometimes 12. I get depressed a lot- Sometimes 13. I have a lot of nightmares- Sometimes 14. I have panic attacks- Rarely 15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control- Often 16. I've been violent- Never 17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be- Only in self defense. MY BODY 1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time- Sometimes 2. I frequently space out- Often 3. My body often feels numb- Rarely 4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me- Rarely 5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain)- Rarely (yoga helps with that) 6. I think my body is ugly- Never 7. I hide my body- Rarely 8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up- Never 9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should- Never 10. I often eat compulsively- Never (I am hypoglycemic and very careful about what I eat and how much) 11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up- Never, though under stress I sometimes neglect to eat. 12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)- Never anymore, though I did a few times the year of the incident. 13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse- Sometimes (mainly fevers and malaise) 14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim- I do exercise, but usually not with that motivation. 15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures- Never 16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth- Never (I spent much of my pre-teens having mouth surgery, so I'm pretty jaded) 17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist- Never INTIMACY 1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet- Usually 2. Most of my relationships just don't work- Usually 3. I don't have many friends- Always (though I'd like to change that) 4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover- Rarely 5. I think I'm really meant to be alone- Sometimes 6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved- Rarely 7. I don't know what love is- Rarely 8. I find it hard to trust people- Usually 9. I think people are going to leave me- What people? 10. I test people a lot- Often 11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else- It is my nature to be nurturing, but I am wary of people (esp. men) who seem to want to nurture me. 12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone- Rarely 13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic- Usually 14. I have a hard time saying no- Rarely 15. People take advantage of me in relationships- Often 16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible- Rarely 17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser- Never, though they sometimes end up reminding me later 18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner- Often 19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser- Never 20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship- If this question refers to sexual abuse in one's present relationship, then no. SEXUALITY 1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again- Rarely 2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years- Never 3. I really think sex is disgusting- Never (as long as it is consensual) 4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it- Never 5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy- Rarely 6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs- Never 7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed."- Rarely 8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me- Rarely 9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying- Rarely 10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want- Never 11. Sex is the thing I'm best at- Rarely 12. I've sold myself for sex- Never 13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me- Rarely 14. I need to control everything about sex- Rarely 15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love- Rarely 16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand- Rarely 17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love- Not in a long time. 18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse- Never 19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on- Never (unless you count light BDSM) 20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality- Never 21. I've sexually abused others- Never CHILDREN AND PARENTING 1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children- Rarely 2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids- Rarely 3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids- n/a 4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own- I don't have kids 5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent- n/a 6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of- Never 7. I tend to be overprotective- Sometimes 8. I've successfully protected children- Yes 9. I'm scared I'll be abusive- Never 10. I have abused children- Never 11. My kids have been abused (by someone else)- n/a MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN 1. I have strained relationships with my family- Always 2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)- n/a 3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family- Always 4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences- Often 5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family- Sometimes 6. I can't be honest with the people in my family- Usually 7. My abuse is still a secret in my family- They don't know. 8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me- I would like that someday. --- 1. When I look over my responses, I feel... lucky that I do not seem to harbor shame over my body and sexuality, but sad about my inability to trust and connect with people. 2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Intimacy, Feelings. 3. I was least affected in the areas of... Body, Family 4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... Intimacy. 5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... Self esteem 6. I already made major strides in the following areas... Self esteem, sexuality 7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... I don't really want to admit hopelessness about anything right now. I'm trying very hard to be hopeful. 8. I was surprised by... Well, pleasantly surprised at how separate sex and sexual abuse are in my mind, and that I actually seem to be taking good care of myself overall. 9. I learned... that I have healed and grown in almost every way, but am seriously deteriorating as a social creature and hope I can turn it around, because I still have a lot of love to give.
  2. possible *T* 1. The teacher/"mentor" who did it. He invited me to have lunch at his house. Even though I considered him a friend, I hesitated because I wasn't used to older people inviting me over like that. He sensed my hesitation and said "listen, you don't have to be afraid of me." So I did go to his house, and that was when he did it. 2. "Peter", the first friend I told. He told me that it was wrong for me to have befriended an older man in the first place- he even literally said "Well, I hate to say I told you so...". After that I gave up on seeking help or sympathy, and wound up disappearing from all my friends and just letting the perp use and blackmail me until I broke down and dropped out of college. My life would have been very different if Peter hadn't reacted that way, or if I'd had the presence of mind to dismiss him and his thoughtless words. 3. Not sure if this counts, but the perp's (supposedly separated) wife who personally contacted me and accused me of being a homewrecker and wronging her and her children. (The perp had actually told me enough about her that I know his "relationship" with her began very much like what happened with me- she was the same age and everything. He did the same thing to her and she rightfully called it R, but he eventually convinced her she was wrong, and she tragically wound up marrying him and having kids with him. My heart breaks for her, even though she shamed me.) 4. My parents for not letting me feel like I could tell them a thing like that. All my life, whenever anyone harassed or bullied me, my father blamed me and punished me strictly, and my mother let him. So telling them about the R was unthinkable, because I knew they would make life at home miserable for me. To this day, all they know is that I was frantic to stop attending university for no apparent reason. Well, I am trying to confront my trauma and heal, and joining this forum is a part of that. I did eventually complete my degree. And I have decided I will eventually talk to my mother about it, but not until I have moved out.