NurseWithaPast

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About NurseWithaPast

  • Rank
    Queen of Everything
  • Birthday 05/29/1985

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    USA
  • Interests
    I have a lot of interests in my life right now. Mostly because I lost interest in everything for quite some time. I love my job, I love writing, I love to dance, I love music, I love my friends, I love life.
  1. Small towns vs. Big cities.

    All my life I have only lived in small towns. . . mainly just one. It seems so natural for me to walk into any given business or store and know everyone I see. There really are not any homeless people here. Seems like everyone takes care of eachother around here. I know there are many people with issues here, and everyone pretty much knows everyone elses story. Everyone knows me, knows where I enjoy spending my time, knows where I work, and some even know the things that have happened to me. This is a blessing and a curse really. Seems I can't even go for a night on the town without everyone and their dog knowing about it. It's really gotten to the point where I really don't care, but I make much effort to "behave" myself to protect my reputation whilst in public. I really have not spent very much time in the city. Only for a night or so with friends, or during family reunions and such. Never had much time to explore. I've been told a time or two that I'm a city girl at heart. Most people around here tend to dress in casual or western-ish clothes. I'm drawn to things with skulls. I'm not a goth, but my wardrobe definantly has a gothic/wild child air to it. Well I decided to go on a 4 day trip to the city with 3 close friends. We wanted to just let our hair down and be crazy for a few days away from work, and all lifes responsibilities. It was SUCH a different antmosphere. Don't get me wrong, I absolutley loved it, and had the time of my life!!! But certain things about the city are very depressing. Homeless people. . .I feel sorry for them. I have always been the type to enjoy people watching and wondering "What kind of life does that person live?" Its sad to think about homeless people. So many things run through my mind when I see someone in ragged clothes holding a sign that says, "Will work for food.", "Homeless" , "Spare change, please." or even some that are kinda funny, "I won't lie, I need a beer." The one that really broke my heart that I saw was holding a sign that says, "Could you spare a miracle?" I can't help but wonder, How did they end up there? Do they have a family somewhere that should be helping them? Did they take some wrong directions in life, but are deep down good people? Or is this karma kicking them in the ass for doing something very bad? If someone helps them, will they by food, or drugs? What are the events that put this person on the streets? Sometimes I want to do something to help them, but other times I don't. On a rare occasion, I will have good enough vibes about someone to spare a dollar or two, or even a ciggarette or two. However, others send off vibes that make me feel like maybe they don't deserve any of the spare change that I have worked for. I feel really bad when I feel that way. Who the hell am I to judge. I can definantly say I know how far down addiction takes people. I can see myself in so many of their sad faces. That could be me if I didn't stop what I was doing. That was my plan for a while. . .move to the city, where no one knew me, and just do what I wanted. . .and I just know thats where I would have ended up. Okay. . .that concludes my daily ramblings. Mandi
  2. Not okay. I hate feeling like this.

    I feel so frustrated, overwhelmed, and angry right now. I don't know how much more I can take. All was going fairly well for me at work until just recently. Last night it really didn't go well. It was an unusually busy night, as this was montly Dr.s rounds night. Tons of new orders. From 10 pm until 5 am, THAT is all I could do. There was no time for anything else. I need to be getting medications together at 4, or I am SCREWED. I was SO behind. I don't really get that anxious anymore at work. I've definantly been one to say, "I can do this!" lately. I been so good at controling my anxiety ar work, but this morning was a different story. I had terrible chest pains, and couldn't stop shaking. I was dizzy and really needing to sit down, but I didn't have time to take care of me. All I could do is TRY to focus. I had to. On top of THAT, it was just crazy. The CNA's were overwhelmed too, and people were climbimg out of bed, and had several people on their call bell every 5 minutes, so I kept having to get up from this mountain of paperwork that had to be done by the end of my shift, putting me even further behind. OH! and getting yelled at by a Dr. for asking a SIMPLE question was a plus. I don't do well with getting yelled at. It triggers me to be yelled at, and I yell back. . .which I couldn't do at work of course. It took me everything I had not to break down on my shift! Everything! I started to break down as soon as I left, knowing I still have to be back tonight. I really don't want to go, and really shouldn't. Right now I am a sobbing, puking, angry, frustrated mess, but there is no one else to work. *TW for yelling screaming ans swearing* IT'S TOO MUCH!!!! I CAN'T FREAKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I want to YELL and SCREAM. I fucking hate my life, because not a DAMN thing goes right! SO SICK OF THIS SHITTY ANXIETY AND ANGER RULING MY LIFE! Now I need sleep to do it all over again tonight, but I am too upset and sick to sleep. Thanks for listening.
  3. Why is it that some people, like myself, have difficulty relaxing after they get off a long day at work. . .wondering if they did everything right, hoping they didn't miss a thing, reflecting back through the shift and making sure everything was done right in their minds, even though they are certain that they did? Why do certain others just friggen don't do this? Don't finish their job? Don't care if the next shift will be overwhelmed by what you've left undone? I am so tired of comming to work and finding things left undone!!! SO tired of it! It seems that if I leave for one day and let the next crew know the important things that need to be addressed THAT DAY, I come back the NEXT NIGHT, and they are still left undone. If it was things unimportant. . .I really wouldn't care, but peoples lives are effected by this laziness (Oh, and stupidity). I should not have to be overwhelmed so many nights at work because I have to do other peoples work for them. Yes, nursing is a 24 hour job, and I am more than happy to help others out when they have a busy day. I've been there too! but don't pretend you don't know how to do your damn job and give me your workload without even telling me. I had all kinds of emergencies today due to things not being done. . .other things not so emergent, but could soon turn that way. One of these days I am just going to loose my cool! I had 2 people fall, and one person nearly fall due to negligence on the assistants end. I also had labs left undone, someone with some medical issues not addressed, orders not carried out, or even dealt with correctly, staff comming to be about other staff because they don't trust that certain others will take care of issues. . .ugh. . .FML!!! I don't even want to go to work tonight. If idiots could fly. . .I'd be heading to an airport. Just because certain individuals don't have 2 brain cells to rub together . . .why should it be my fault? Why should I be the one sentenced to taking care of all this? Don't get me wrong. . .I have a lot of WONDERFUL carinng people I work with. People I am even proud to call friends! I just wish I can clone them for replacements of the numbskulls!!!! Being a nurse . . .thats doable. . .fixing stupid. . .impossible!!!!!!
  4. Out of pure boredom. . . .LOL

    I'm so lame. . .I love filling out these dumb things I find online. 1When was the last time you cried? Today 2Have you ever faked a sicky? When I was a kid, but I never fake sick for work. Would feel too guilty. 3What was the last lie you said? I can't remember. . .Lying is horrible. 4Have you ever cried during a movie? Yes. . .There are a few that do that to me. 5Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of? Can't remember 6Have you ever been drunk? Of course. 7Have you ever tried tried drugs? Too many for to long. . .so much better off without them. 8Do you smoke? Yes 9What is your full name? Not telling! 10Have you ever been in a car accident? No. . .a few quad mishaps though 11Have you ever had an online relationship? Yes, a couple of the, actually. 12Have you ever had phone-sex? Lame!!!!! 13Is there anything that you have done that you regret? I have a lot of regrets. . .but i've learned a lot from them. 14What is your political persuassion? Republican 15Do you believe in love at first sight? No 16Do you believe in karma? Oh yes. . .and it is what keeps me satisfied. 17Who was your first crush? Good question! I'm not sure. 18How would you describe yourself? I would describe myself as a small town gal just trying to make it through life who tries her best. I'd also describe myself as quite sarcastic, and if you don't like it, plug your ears. If I have something to say, I say it. 19Are you religious? religious? no Spiritual maybe. . .not really one to go to church, but have respect for everyones beliefs. 20What person do you trust the most? I have trust issues. . .but there are a few that I have enough trust in. 21What is the longest crush/relationship you have had? like 6 months 22What is your greatest strength? The ability to keep going, even when I don't think I can. 23What is your perfect pizza? Sausage and mushroom. 24What college do you want to go to? I'm currently shopping for a upgrade program. . .kinda exciting!!! 25Do you get along with your family? Wow. . .thats a tough question right now. I'm going to have to say no on that. 26Do you play any instruments? Trying to learn guitar 27Do you think you're attractive? I'm starting to see a few good features. . .for the first time in my life. 28Who makes you laugh? My awesome friends. 29Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours? Ick! No one! I'd chew my arms off. 30Have you ever seen a dead body? Many. . .part of the job sometimes. 31Have you ever broken a bone? Ribs and hairline fracture of my tibia. 32Do you watch or read the news? Both 33What do you want your friends to think about you? They're only my friends if they like me for me, so it wouldn't really matter lol. 34Have you ever bitten someone? All in fun. . . HAHAHAHAHA 35Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting? Probably a few Thanksgivings ago when I was sure my stomach would explode lol. 36Have you ever been in love? Can't say I have. Wheres 37 & 38???? lol 39Do you usually prefer books or movies? Movies. No time to read. 40Would you ever have sex before marriage? Too late lol 41Do you prefer british or american spelling of words? American. . .but I love british accents. 42Have you ever hated someone? Thats a really strong word. . .but yes. 43Do you prefer talking on the phone or online? online 44Are you happy with the person you are becoming? For the most part. . .yes 45What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now? Hopefully working a career I am totally happy in. . .I'll be 30. . .so I kinda hope to have some kids by then. . .idk what I hope for lol.
  5. They say I'm distracted by anything shiny, sparkly, furry, or tasty LOL
  6. Seriously? Come on now!

    So far. . . in this past 7 days, I have dealt with the following issues: Sunday: Realized how banged up I was from my rowdy camping adventures. . .not to mention discovering that misquituoes really do like me... Let's just say its been an itchy week. Oh. . . also knocking myself in the head on the back hatch of a car. Monday: slipped in a puddle of water I spilled on the kitchen floor. . .fell on my arse. I know the water was there. . I even reminded myself not to step in it until I had a chance to clean it up. Wow my short term memory must be going. Tuesday: Poked myself in the eye with my fingernail while putting on makeup. . .nice!!! Wednesday: Got a paper cut while opening the mail! Also, dropping a lit ciggarette in my lap was real nice. I was wearin' my "daisy dukes" at the time. . .NOT COOL! Thursday: Fainted in my yard while mowing my lawn. Looking at how this week has gone. . . I consider myself fortunante to not have run over my foot or something. Yeah it was a lovely heat/dehydration thing. Friday: Had no ability to focus. . .I have diagnosed myself with ADHD. . .and that is on a serious note. I have always had focusing issues, but its getting way worse. I am reflecting on all the ways this does effect my life. . . Ohhhhh. . .something shiny. . .what was I talking about again? Saturday: See above. . . Last night: This is great! Just GRAND! I have sprained my wrist! How did I accomplish this incredible task? I was opening the turn-key thing in the med refrigerator at work!!! I heard a snap, and I thought the key broke off in the door. The sudden sharp pain, followed by the dull throbbing pain let me know right away, that snap was not the key, it was my hand! Only I can be so talented as to sprain my wrist turning a darn key!!!! Wow. . I think I need to move into my plastic bubble now. . . if that will even do me any good. . .I am sure my clumsy arse will find a way. . .or maybe I'd spontaneously combust. . .I really am starting to compare myself to Kenny from Southpark. Okay. . .going to bed now. . . . LOL.
  7. When I am at work, I really miss my XM radio. I'm one of those who simply must be listening to music at all times. I'm more of a rock fan, but generally end up listening to country while I'm working. Country is alright, I mean some songs have wonderful lyrics, but I'm more into something I can move to. However, I did hear a song that seemed quite uplifting today. "It happens" by Sugarland. I think I've fallen in love with this song. Lyrics: Missed my alarm clock ringing Woke up telephone screaming Boss man singing his same old song Rolled in late about an hour No cup of coffee, no shower Walk of shame with two different shoes on Now it is poor me, why me, oh me Boring the same old worn out blah blah story There is no good explanation for it at all Ain't no rhyme or reason No complicated meaning Ain't no need to over think it Let go laughing Life don't go quite like you planned it We try so hard to understand it Irrefutable, indisputable The fact is Psssh It happens My trusty-rusty had a flat I borrowed my neighbors Cadillac "I'll be right back," going down to Wally World That yellow light turned red too quickly Knew that the truck moment it hit me Out stepped my ex and his new girl ("Sorry 'bout your neck baby") But it is poor me, why me, oh me Boring the same old worn out blah blah story There is no good explanation for it at all Ain't no rhyme or reason No complicated meaning Ain't no need to over think it Let go laughing Life don't go quite like you planned it We try so hard to understand Irrefutable, indisputable The fact is Psssh It happens Ain't no rhyme or reason No complicated meaning Ain't no need to over think it Let go laughing Life don't go quite like you planned it We try so hard to understand Irrefutable, indisputable The fact is Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable, absoluteable, totally beautiful fact is Psssh It happens I totally love it! And it is so true in many ways. I have become so up-tight about certain things, and I need to learn to just RELAX and say, "It happens".
  8. Time to start blogging!

    I've written blogs in the past. . .but never understood who thought of the word "Blog" Sounds like something one has coughed up. . .LOL I do love writing and I am thrilled to find this feature. I love to ramble on about little things. Things that make me angry, things that make me sad, and things that amuse the hell out of me. I'm easily amused. . .so. . .maybe you'll find some of my ramblings as comic relief. We all need a little of that at times. I really wish I had time to write more. . .but I have to be at work in an hour. . .and I haven't even started getting ready. Hopefully I will get more of a chance to work on this tomorrow.
  9. Hey all, I am also a member of another support group. Sometimes having more than one place to go for support is helpful. It is www.aftersilence.org Maybe some of you are already there. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Best wishes to all.