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About stillstrong

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    still fighting

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  • Location
    Midwest, USA
  • Interests
    I love the outdoors, reading, camping and spending time with my three beautiful girls.
  1. 1. Being SA'ed by my "godfather," father, and two cousins 2. After my sister attempted suicide she said, "After you told me what happened to you too, I just couldn't handle it." 3. My mother's alcoholism and abuse growing up 4. My silent adopted dad 5. The many ways I betrayed myself: SI, addictions, self-hatred, risky behaviors
  2. First One

    This is my first attempt at blogging. I have never blogged before but since I love this site and there are some really great supportive people here, I thought I would give it s try. I am a survivor of csa from infant to 16 years old, my perps were biodad, uncle (godfather), and two male cousins. I have been active in therapy for over one year and it has been the most brutal experience, but also the most amazing experience. Today I am feeling so frustrated. It seems whenever I close my eyes I see a face, a body part, an act. At one time I had pretty intense flashbacks, with the sights, feelings, tastes, and smells--a nightmare. But now that I feel more grounded, instead of hugely overwhelmed, I get these little snippets. I am sick of it! I can't go a day, enjoy a day at the beach without the abuse being thrown back in my face. Now I figure it is because I totally blocked any memory until I was in my 30's, and there is so much I need to remember-but damn. Tomorrow I have a therapy and my therapist will be doing imagery work with me. It is an attempt for me to imagine the little girl who was abused and connect with her. I know I was abused, mostly I don't live in denial, but when I picture the abuse I see the little girl, but I don't really feel she is me, ya know? So my T feels that if I am to let go of the shame and guilt I need to connect with the little girl. I do a lot of self-blame. Other things I struggle with are alcohol usage and SI. I seem to have gotten the SI under control, but I still gravitate toward alcohol when I am stressed, overwhelmed, or I have too many feelings. Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear from other survivors! stillstrong
  3. 1. Were you silenced by someone? How? The only person that silenced me was myself. I blocked out my memories of my abuse until I was in my 30's. 2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) I think that every adult in my family betrayed me in some way, for standing by while a whole generation of girls were sexually abused by one pedophile and 2 male cousins. I especially feel my mother was not ever there for me and she abused me emotionally and physically. 3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) Yep, I was the model student and daughter. Then I would SI and drink. 4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? I completely agree with this statement. I have no real relationships in my life, and I constantly struggle with this. I cannot make connections with people because I am so closed off. I am so afraid of intimacy, abandonment, and for someone to see the real (rotten) me I keep a protective wall around my heart. 5. How do you see yourself now? I finally see that I need people, I need connections and I need people to see the real me. Before I just thought I didn't need anyone, that I could through my whole life without needing anyone. 6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? The first person I told was my therapist, her reaction was perfect, I couldn't ask for a better reaction. I then told my cousin, my husband, and one friend. It was a mixed bag. My cousin was great, my husband...getting better. When I shared with my friend she just kind of walked away. That bothered me so after a bit I said that she hurt me with her silence, and I need her to be there for me. One year ago I would have just cut her out and never talked to her again. So that was a big step for me. 7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? In general I do not trust anyone. I am learning to trust but very selectively. I am taking small steps. I am also working on trusting myself, by quitting drinking and SI'ing I have come a long way toward trusting myself.
  4. I am so sorry you have been through all of this. And your husband sounds abusive emotionally, physically and sexually. From what I read: to heal from past SA, you have to be safe, and it doesn't sound like you are. So even if you could go to therapy, they would probably start with your current relationship. Are there any support/advocacy services around you for domestic abuse? They are free, and they will let you bring your kids. Maybe that would be a place to start. I am here if you need to talk. stillstrong