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About theycallmekitty

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  1. Saturday, June 19th

    I can't read any more of these entries today. It hurts to read them. I was perusing the "Sexual Assault When Consent Is Withdrawn" thread (which is technically where I fit in, I guess. I'd always just considered it date rape but it seems to be a mixture) and it made me realize that I have experienced multiple sexual assaults. I didn't even think of one of them being assault, but now, reading the definition of assault, it was. And now I don't want to read anything else.
  2. This one will probably mean more for survivors of date/acquaintance rape. The song is "Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons. The lines that I think are healing are in the chorus. I imagine my rapist saying them to me and it gives me hope. "It was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didn't I, my dear?" I think it means so much to me because my rapist was my best friend and I loved him. So I need to be able to hear him admit that it was his fault, that it was my heart and that he fucked up. Here's a link if you'd like to hear it:
  3. Friday, June 18th

    I just got home from work and I'm feeling so tired. My boyfriend is overseas for the week and so I can't talk to him and I just feel anxious at nighttime. The mornings are beautiful. I get up early, go to the gym, come home to eat lunch and work on my sewing for a few hours before I go to work. (I work from 5 PM -11 PM most nights.) But then, once I'm home, I get stressed. I worry that tonight will be the night I'll have another panic attack. That tonight will be the night I fall back into SI. It has to happen eventually. I'm just so tired.
  4. I wrote this down in my journal soon after. I found it again today and I think it might be the wisest thing I've ever written: "You may not be happy today and you may not be happy tomorrow but one day, I promise, you'll be happy again." Sixteen year old me wasn't completely dumb.
  5. It was really my fault because... 1) I told him he could. 2) I went with him voluntarily. 3) I led him on. 4) I let him start. 5) It had already started when I changed my mind. 6) There's a possibility he didn't hear me. It wasn't my fault because... 1) I said "Don't hurt me." 2) I said "Don't." 3) I just laid there, he had to know. 4) I had the right to change my mind. 5) I was 16, he was 20. 6) It's my body, not his.
  6. I disclosed to a group of guys (they'd been making rape jokes towards me and I felt comfortable enough with them to tell them WHY they needed to stop and WHY they weren't funny) and one of them said, "My girlfriend was raped, I know how you feel." Really? My brother has testicular cancer but I don't know how HE feels. --kitty