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About ashleyowanicole

  • Birthday 11/04/1989

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  1. 1. Were you silenced by someone? How? I think I have silenced myself more than I have been silenced, I for a long time was my own worst enemy so to speak. My first abuser, didn't as much silence me as tell me that what was taking place was normal, therefore I believed there wasn't anything to be silenced. He also though wouldn't allow me to cry, even if I had just scrapped my knee or whatever else, so I supposed that could also be considered silenced. 2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) Betrayed. Well besides the typical high school drama and back stabbing that I think every teenage girl goes through, probably the biggest betrayal has come from my mother, a few times.. 3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) Oh gosh, if only I could have been my own friend or family member. I had red flags everywhere. With OCD, eating disorders, self mutilation, anxiety. I have been a mess. 4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? Hmm wow, this is one that can be talked about for probably hours. I have come to expect the worst from people because of my past, however I also try to give everyone a chance and benefit of the doubt. What if its not that relationships in general fail, what if instead its the relationships we choose. Abuse is often a vicious cycle, and often our narrative and our feelings of ourselves dont allow us to enjoy a good relationship. I may have to talk about this one again. 5. How do you see yourself now? Honestly some days are much better than others, and some days I am just ridiculously proud of myself but than there are days that are awful. I think that comes with everything thats taken place. I think Im on the right road to starting actually liking myself again though. 6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? I have only told less than a handful of people, and the people I chose to tell were ones I knew would either say nothing at all or not judge, so I have sort of controlled the experience I would have. I have yet to tell my story on this site, but Im sure that will be a graceful experience. 7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? I always thought I trusted myself, but there wasn't anything to trust if that makes sense, I didn't have anything that told me that there was something wrong with a relationship or that I was being treated badly, so now that Im actually starting to have that, I do find myself second guess myself just because its something new. As far as other people, I do believe there is good in every heart, but I do indeed have many deep seeded trust issues.