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About thisischrissy

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  • Birthday 03/26/1991

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    Playing ukulele. Singing. Writing music. Spending time with my fiance. :)
  1. So emotional right now...

    This song surfaces some deep emotions for me. I thought those of you who have been r***d and/or abused in a relationship would connect with this song like I do. So much to talk about. I can't right now. Perhaps tomorrow. I wish I wasn't so alone.
  2. I'm so afraid to be here alone. I feel like he is going to be around every corner. I got a facebook message from him. The thing that scares me with that is I put which college I go to on facebook so now he knows where I live. He makes a new facebook then deletes it once he's sent a message. I got one from him and so did my fiance. Both messages were very graphic and so horrible. My fiance wants me to get a restraining order against my r**ist which is my ex boyfriend. I don't think my fiance realizes that getting a restraining order isn't that easy for me. My ex boyfriend used to threaten to kill me if I ever told anyone and if I got a resraining order, he would know that I told people. And now he knows where I live. And even if I did get a restraining order, how would that help?? That will just evoke him and if he does come for me and I call the police when I see him, it will be too late once the police get to where I am. How will that protect me. If he wants to kill me, he'll kill me then the police will come. Plus, this month is the two year anni. It's like he will never let me forget.
  3. Is this normal?

    I know this sounds gross and strange but I've been having really bad flashbacks. They've been triggered by very strange things. I'm sorry if this is too much information but whenever I (for lack of a better word) poop I get flashbacks. It makes me feel soooo disgusted with myself. I hate hate hate this. I feel like a little kid being potty trained. I hold it for a long time because I'm afraid to go but then it ends up being worse. I was a***ly r***d and a bunch of other things happened that had to do with that area... I feel like I'm the most grossed out about talking about this part of it. Actually, thats the second worst to talk about. The two year anni of when my most recent and long lasting r*** happened is happening next month. I'm going to make it a big deal to myself. I have come so far since last anni. I'm rewarding myself.
  4. Thank you to both of you. I need support right now and it's nice to know that everyone on here is willing to read whats wrong and give advise. Thank you both.
  5. The past two weeks...

    have been crap. I emailed someone that can get me a T so I should be starting that soon. Ughhh. I've been having so many flashbacks. I've been in this dead state and I haven't gotten any work done. All I can do is sit around and cry. My fiance is visiting next weekend so that should be nice but next weekend ever going to get here?? I need hugs.
  6. Trigger in class... :(

    I'm taking a class in college called Marriage and the Family. Today we were talking about parenting. For some reason they started talking about teaching kids the "bad touch". Omg. It rubbed me the wrong way. I was trying not to show it on my face. I felt naked. My tummy dropped and I wanted to cry. I got hot all over and shaky. All I wanted to do was get out of that class. They said that although its a bad touch, it still feels good to the kid. I couldn't handle it. Doesn't she know what she's saying?? Doesn't she know that that causes so much emotion!! It's so shameful!! I'm trying to deal with another situation right now. I don't know if I can call it SA because the kid was just a little bit older than me. I don't remember the whole thing but I remember some of it. It's been on my mind a lot. I usually just try to tell myself that its normal and that every kid goes through that with another kid but I'm starting to think that its yet another SA event in my life. I feel like I've been trying to make up memories for what happened with that other kid. I'm trying to fill in the blanks. It's been driving me crazy. I remember my mom telling me off and grounding me for being naked with him in my playroom. I remember not wanting to be naked. I felt so guilty. I was so ashamed. It must have been my fault if I was being told off. I don't know if what happened can be called SA but I'm really having some issues with it lately. So. Confused.
  7. Update...

    It has been a while since I have written on here. I have done some MAJOR healing lately. Looking back at my posts has been shocking to me. I have come so far. I feel very very proud at this moment. I have turned my whole life around. I feel his grip on me weakening. If you are going though hard times right now PLEASE READ THIS!!! If you just push through the hard times, things will get better for you. I hit rock bottom last year. I'm amazed at how much I've changed. I'm so happy for having an awesome fiance to help me through this as well. He has supported me even at times when I felt like I was going crazy (and still does). I'm so lucky to be in a relationship like this one. He has helped me heal. I feel so safe with him. And he never judges me. I'm back to Pandy's. I'm ready to heal some more. Even though I'm starting to feel better, I have been ignoring my poopie times. I need to start facing things again. Time to go back to therapy. I'm so much stronger than I was before. I'm ready to take this on again.
  8. Starberries, Welcome!! I can almost guarantee that you will find your voice on this site. Last year, I used this site so much. People here understand what you are going through. They care and want to help you. I'm so glad you have found this site. Plus, I'm very glad that you are finding help and fighting. You seem like such a strong person. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I admire your strength. I really do. I hope things get better for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Praying for you, Chrissy. <3
  9. I have to say that this is the most rewarding anniversary(even though I hate using this word in this situation) so far. I've been fighting SO hard the past few weeks. Today wasn't easy but I kept myself surrounded by people I love and who I know support me(even if not all of them know what's wrong). I think the last part of today has been the worst. My fiance and I went to his friend's house to hang out with a few people. His friend's house is in the neighborhood that "HE" still lives in. I think, from now on I'll just call "HIM" Jay. Anyway, I was just so scared because today is the anniversary and I feel like he would try to come out and get me today. Then, on the way back home, we passed by this one park. I saw the sign for the park that I must have seen maybe four or five time so far this summer and I had a flashback this time. Jay r***d me in the back of his car in front of that sign. I remember just staring at the sign the whole time wishing I was dead. I felt even more claustrophobic than usual. Even more trapted. But at the same time, I could see the sign outside. I know it sounds REALLY stupid but I was so jealous of the sign. It was outside. It was away from Jay. Aside from all of these memories I have to face, I have to remember that I'm still alive. I'm still fighting. I'm still pursuing what I want to do in my life. Right now I feel more like a survivor than ever. I feel so hurt and overwhelmed with memories right now but I'm still fighting. I am a survivor.
  10. Fighting back.

    I have really started to fight back. I've had ENOUGH!! This is MY life. He has NO right to ruin my plans!! No more hiding. I have to face everything head on. No more ignoring. No more pushing away. And I know that it is ok to cry and it's ok to not be successful the first time. I WILL win in the end. .....BRING IT!!
  11. I am going through the same thing right now. I hope everything works out for you.
  12. Thank you so much, Untangling-it-all. It is nice to know that I'm not crazy and wrong for not being healed yet. I thought of all people my mother who has been sa would understand what I'm going through. She has been very supportive but now that I'm home I just feel like she's pushing me and hurting me. I know that this must be very very difficult for her as well but I just need to be comforted right now not pushed. I'm trying to get over acts where I was forced to do things the last thing I need is to be forced to get over it. Thank you for letting me know that it's normal to feel like this right now. Really. It means a lot that you took the time to read and respond to my post. Being home will make things harder but I refuse to give up. Thank you again. I hope you are doing well and have a wonderful day.
  13. I fail as a daughter. I fail as a fiance. I fail as a friend. I fail as being a survivor. I ruin EVERYTHING. I've been in therapy for a little less than two months and I still have flashbacks and nightmares. I told my mom (she went s through sa as a young girl) that I had a flashback last night while my fiance and I were being intimate (it was his birthday too. I f***ed up his f***ing BIRTHDAY) and that i had a nightmare last night (by the way, this is on mothers day. I f***ed up F***ING MOTHERS DAY!! And she even said that I did!!!). She told me that I'm doing something wrong and that normal people would be better now. She told me that I should just quit school and she told me my relationship is unhealthy because of me. She told me that I have to actually try to get better. I AM F***ING TRYING!!!!!!!! I'M TRYING SO HARD!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. She used to support me. Maybe she still does and she's just right. I hate myself. I hate myself sooooo much. I f*** up everything and I'm not normal. I'm trying not to have f***ing suicidal thoughts again but they are creeping back up. Of course I won't try anything because I love my fiance and my friends and I want to help other people. I'm staying alive for them. WHY am I so messed up. How come I can't get better??? It's been a year since the situation (well, since the first one happened. It used to happen every single day for about six or seven months...I don't really remember how long anymore). I've been in therapy for a little less than TWO MONTHS!! I guess my mom just got better faster and everyone else got better faster. That's them, normal good people but I keep on forgetting that I'm not normal. I'm this stupid person. This piece of sh*t person who is worth nothing. I can't even heal I guess. I just f***ing suck. I'm back home. I'm back where I "lived" when the situations happened. He is in the same town as me. Things just keep getting harder and i keep on pushing but now I just want to give up. I fail as a human being.
  14. I can't stop listening to this...

    I'm having a hard time right now because I'm just so scared about what's going to happen when I go back home for summer break. It's a minefield of triggers. I'm trying to listen to uplifting songs. If anyone has any suggestions, please share. It would be much much much appreciated.
  15. You are not the only one feeling the way you are feeling. I also go to college and I'm failing like all of my classes because I never get to sleep and if I do get to sleep, I have nightmares. When I'm out with all the "normal" college students, I'm horrified that something will trigger or I'll freak out. It's not easy at all. I am also going back to the city where "the situation" happened. I just started therapy so a whole bunch of memories are surfacing. I really don't know what to expect. I'm scared as well. Oh and I also have a triggering season. I'm usually triggered in fall. So I know how you feel with that. I know it's not easy. I know. I wish I could tell you that all you had to do is take a pill and it'd all go away. Have you gone to therapy?? If you haven't, it might be a good idea. Only if you're ready though. It hurts a little at first but that's just like putting alcohol on a cut. It's sting at first but it's going to help in the end. I'm sorry I wrote so much. Just know that you are not alone and if you ever need to talk I'm here. I hope everything goes well. -Chrissy.