ducky

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About ducky

  • Rank
    rubber ducky, i'm the one...
  • Birthday 07/06/1985

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Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Ontario - or a fantasy world from my imagination
  • Interests
    duckies, obviously. urban fantasy. music, singing, drawing, writing, reading. mangas/anime. puzzles, jigsaws, logic problems.
  1. been a while

    i haven't blogged here in a long time. i took another break from pandy's. been back for about a month now. decided to start blogging again. a lot has happened since my last entry. busy with wedding plans. less than 2 months until the big day. also discovered i have DID, which i think explains a lot. so i've been spending a lot of time getting to know everyone on the inside. still meeting new people. and my fiance is so supportive, which is amazing. there will likely be 3 of us who post in this blog. myself (shay, the host), toni (17, "main alter") and star (7). i know alters aren't allowed on the board, but i'm assuming i can do what i want in my blog. we're all on AMJ, which i think is a really great site for DID. i'm not very talkative right now, but hopefully i'll post again soon. -shay-
  2. star says that ob is really strong. and ob could never fail at anything because she's strong and she keeps trying and keeps helping others. she says that's what makes ob so special. i agree with star. you're still here, still trying, still living everyday. and you help so many people. even if you're not a mod anymore. there are so many people here on pandy's who care about you and look up to you. including me. your job is only part of you who are - it's something you do. who you are is inside of you. it's everything you do everyday. i don't think you're failing at it. i think you're doing really well, considering everything you've been through and are going through. -shay/star/toni
  3. healing cycles

    i find the whole healing process so cyclical. one month i feel good and strong and excited about the future, the next i'm so emotionally exausted and a total wreck. i was doing so well for a while. felt strong. confident. wasn't getting triggered much. i was sleeping better. feeling better about myself. but now it's like i've fallen. complete opposite end of the spectrum. i'm all nervous and jumpy. every sound scares me. i can't sleep much. i keep thinking people are whispering/talking about me. laughing at me. i don't want to do as much. i don't wanna go try on wedding dresses this weekend. i had so much fun last time, but now i don't want to do it. i don't want all the people looking at me - telling me how good i look. i don't want to look good. people who look good get noticed. i want to be invisible. i want to disappear. i'm so worried about so many things. why does it have to keep going back and fourth? sometimes i'm optimistic and i think the good times will be back. they'll last longer than the bad. eventually, it'll be mostly good. other times i'm pessimistic and i think it's all bad times. the "good times" are just a tease to make the bad times seem even worse. i'm being punished for some reason.
  4. job search

    i'm wearing my new clacker shoes today (high heels that go clack clack when you walk). i've never worn clackers before. kinda weird. but i like. and they're comfy! better be for what i paid for them. figured since i'm gonna be going to a bunch of job interviews soon, i better have nice shoes! i'm looking for a mid-level (high pay) admin/support job. that's what i have now, only this is a one year contract that's ending in 6 weeks! time to start the search for something new. already applied for 8 things. all either government jobs or in the not-for-profit sector. i don't wanna work for the private sector. i'm kinda nervous about the interviews. 'cause of the agoraphobia. i don't wanna leave the college, but they still haven't posted anything i can apply for. and i know it would be better for me. get a more diverse experience. i refuse to go through a placement agency. i'm sure they're not all bad - but most won't offer me what i want. i dislike placement agencies. most of the jobs i applied for are in TO (an hour commute by GO/subway - i don't drive). hopefully matthew can take the day off when i have my first interviews there. then he can come with me and wait outside while i'm in the interview. it's just the commute that scares me. i always do fine in the interview. well, goodluck me on finding a good new job and congrats to me for trying!
  5. Mindfulness vs. Mindlessness

    unyee-bing-shi, you were so right! bingers tried to explain to me that happiness is a choice we make. several times a day, we mentally choose to be happy. there are voices in our heads telling us otherwise, but we have to tell them (as i told bing) to "shut up and sit down - i'm the boss!" hehe. anyways, i just went to one of the most amazing personal development sessions at work! it was about mindfulness vs. mindlessness. where we make the choice to be in the present. not to worry about the past or the future. but to live in the moment. to choose to be happy. the guy who gave the session used some good examples. like food. the first time we eat a new food, we enjoy it. the 2nd time we have that same food, we're too busy comparing it to the first time to really enjoy the experience. like the 2nd time you go to a restaurant and order the same dish - you'll compare it to the 1st time. maybe tell yourself "oh, it's overcooked this time". and you won't enjoy it as much. but if you choose not to compare it, to just live in the moment and enjoy what you're eating - you'll be happier. everytime you feel your mind start to wander and you start thinking about the monsters and regrets and mistakes from the past, or worrying about what you'll encounter in the future, you should try to refocus your attention to the present. there's just too much on your mind if you're thinking about 100 different things, and you won't feel happy and present. a good example he used was the room we were in. picture yourself in a room. say 10'x10'. there are only 5 people there. you have space to move around, dance, do whatever you want. but if you stuff 50 people into the room, you don't have space to move. the brain is like that with thoughts. if you have 100 things on your mind, they'll be interfering with each other and you won't know which end is up! but if you're focused on the present and only have 10 things on your mind, you'll be able to focus on each of them more. it was a really great session. we did some great exercises. i had learned the breathing exercise before, but not the other exercise we did. i'll try to explain it. 1. sit in a comfortable position with your hands on your lap, close your eyes 2. breathe in and out through your nose, establishing a comfortable breathing cycle. try to make your breathing as deep as possible without straining your lungs. 3. once you feel relaxed, scan your body using the mind's eye starting from the scalp down to the toes and look for any specific stress spots where tension is accumulated. pay attention to your face, neck, shoulders, and back. 4. once you have located the stress spots, focus your breath on it (one at a time). each time you breathe out, imaging you are throwing the tension from that spot, removing it from your body. repeat this until you feel completely relaxed in that spot. then move on to the next spot. 5. by using this method, cleanse your whole body from excessive stress. once you have accomplished this, quickly scan your body once again from head to toe and release any remaining tension. 6. keep sitting down with your eyes closed. just focus on your breathing. breath in and out. long deep breaths. do it for 10-15 minutes (if you have the time). this should make your body feel relaxed and your mind refreshed.
  6. Wedding Plans Update

    i tried on some dresses on Saturday. found some really nice ones. i want one with a sweetheart neckline and bell sleeves. most don't have sleeves. but i discovered that i can get one for $300 at this cash-and-carry last seasons store, then get a seemstress to turn the shall into sleeves to make it perfect. much better than the $1500 dress i found that was perfect at another store. gonna go back in a couple weeks to try on some more dresses, now that i know exactly what i want. it was unbelievable though. with the vail and the tiara. i was a princess! oh, but next time i'll remember not to wear a black bra! hehe. looked kinda funny. white bra next time. still another 281 days until the wedding. but we've decided on the honeymoon. wedding is on a friday, then we'll have a brunch party thing on the Saturday where we get together with our families and open gifts and stuff. then leave sunday morning. catch a flight to paris! spend 4 days in paris, including a day trip to Euro Disney! fun fun! then catch a flight to Dublin. stay in Ireland for 5 days. then back home on the thursday. gives us time to relax and readjust to the time before going back to work on monday. i am so excited! we get to go to dsneyland, see the eiffel tower, and still get to bend over backwards to kiss the stone in ireland!!! and, believe it or not, it's cheaper this way then it is to just go to ireland for the same length of time! we'll be staying at a 2 star hotel in paris and a 3 star hotel in dublin. who needs honeymoon suites? save our money so we can do more sightseeing and shopping! i went to expedia.ca and used the 'create your own vacation package' with the 2 destinations option. switched the hotels from 4-5 stars to 2-3 stars, and suddenly it was $2000 cheaper! i think my future-sis also might have let some info slip... i know my sister is coming to town for a couple days to visit me in august. future-sis mentioned something about my sister talking about having a shower then... but of course i didn't hear anything. :wink:
  7. invisible

    it's like i'm not even here. like i shouldn't be here. even my friends don't see me. only unyee. but unyee is happy. i try to be, but don't know how. it's hurts too much. inside and out. and nobody here notices. nobody wants to know. nobody thinks i should be here. i think i'm just ubber-paranoid and a total mess today... missing meds has a huge effect. remind me not to do it again.
  8. the breakfast club

    i've been trying to eat. but after i eat anything, however small, i feel sick. doesn't seem to matter what it is. i don't know what to do. i have a doctor's appointment on june 5th. if i'm still having this problem, i'll talk to her then. it's just scary. i mean, it's not just chocolate and junk food. it's everything. even healthy foods. i want to get better. i have enough problems in my life. i don't want food to be one of them.
  9. what's on my mind

    i'm so scared right now. can't even talk to people about it. not in real life, in chat, or in the forum. thought i'd try writing it here. since not many people read this anyways. there are 2 things really scaring me. 1. voices. when i was on lorazepam, i was having mild audio hallucinations. i'd hear whispers. mostly when i was half-asleep. started when i had a bad cold. i was taking cold pills and was really out of it. and i kept hearing things. assumed it was 'cause of the cold pills or the fever or something. then the next time i took the lorazapam, i heard the whispers again. i got so freaked that i eventually i stopped taking them. about 2 months ago i switched to xanax. i've been fine on it... until this morning. matthew woke up at 9 and i stayed in bed 'cause i was still sleepy. he was playing computer games. some hammering in the apartment below mine woke me up from a bad nightmare around 9:45. i was frozen. couldn't talk. couldn't get up. all i could do is cry. but that's happened before. i kept telling myself matthew would come in soon to check on me and he'd help me. i couldn't do anything else. but after a while, he still hadn't come in. and this voice in my head started telling me these horrible things. that matthew doesn't love me. he'd rather play a game on his computer then be with me. he's only marrying me because he wants to make his family happy. wants to be normal. he thinks he loves me, but he really doesn't. i spent an hour lying there listening to this voice, unable to move. when matthew came in and saw me, i just started bawling. couldn't stop crying. couldn't even say anything. it was bad. i'm scared of hearing that voice again. 2. food. i feel so conflicted. i've been trying to drop 2 sizes for the wedding (feb. 29th). i lost 10% of my body weight between new years and early february. worked out a lot. didn't change the way i ate a lot. then it kinda plateaud. didn't matter how much i worked out, it didn't do anything. i got discouraged, and started to focus on my diet more. i tried slim fast and gained weight (probably because my normal diet contains less fat/calories than the slim fast plan - i tend to eat pretty healthy to begin with). so about a month ago i decided to just be careful with what i eat. very little junk food, lots more veggies. now i'm starting to skip meals. i see food, and i think "fat. can't eat it." at first i was just scared to eat chocolate or anything high in sugar. now, i can't eat anything greasy, fried, with a lot of cheese, or anything that seems even remotely unhealthy. we used to order in dinner from swiss chalet once a week. i'd get a kids meal, chicken fingers with fries or mashed potatoes. now i get them with rice and corn. and i can't even finish the kids meal! i'm becomming obsessed. don't know what to do to just be healthy and happy. can't remember the last time i had chocolate. it really sucks because i'm a healthy average size, with a really low body fat %. but my sister (who's a size 3) keeps telling me that if i don't do all i can to look my best for the wedding, i'll regret it. i listen to my sister way too much. she has no idea what i've been through when it comes to my looks/body. i'm just scared this will go too far. i've had problems with food before. don't wanna go there again. i don't know what to do. don't feel safe talking to anyone about these things. can't talk to matthew because he'll worry too much. he's already worried about me. hasn't given me a hard time about not eating today though. i made him dinner. told him i'm not hungry (which is true). he didn't push it. told him a little bit about the voice. not much though. he told me the voice is wrong. that's all i'm gonna say for now.
  10. assisted long weekend

    ok, i've been posting a lot here the past couple days... but that's because i have so much to say! so much going on. i interviewed people to be my new assistant today. and my first choice accepted the job offer, which is great. but it also meant i had to call the other people to let them know they didn't get the job. i hate f2f and phone contact! (f2f = face to face, btw). luckily i got their voicemails so didn't actually have to talk to them. matthew's meeting me at my office in 25 minutes. gonna go to the mall, get some dinner, then back to my apartment. he's working mid-shift tomorrow, then we're both off sunday monday. i love long weekends! i hope min comes back soon. i misses miss min! but like i said in my previous post... during the short time she's been gone, i managed to make a new very good friend here. so now i have my sensei and my shisuta. and i'm going shopping for a wedding dress tomorrow!!! fun fun! but nervous 'cause i'll have to change at the store, which is scary. so i'm kinda happy and excited and nervous and scared, all at the same time!
  11. happy days

    i have a lot of good days and bad days. almost goes in cycles. doing well for a couple weeks, feeling strong. then i crash and suddenly i'm not doing well for a couple weeks. then it slowly gets better and i'm doing well again. lately i've been doing well. nervous about things, but able to get by despite that. but i feel like i'm about to crash again. until i do, i'm gonna be happy! not all smiles and sunshine, but more happy than sad. hope this all makes sense. i'm really happy about something right now. i reached out to a friend on pandy's and got a great response! i likes my shisuta-bing-chan! i don't tend to let myself get close to a lot of people. been hurt a lot of friends and family in the past. not just perps. so i have a lot of trust and abandonment issues. but i've been getting better at making real friends on pandy's. people i can really trust. i have a lot of friends on pandy's who i care about and respect and would like to at some point really trust and be able to call a good friend. for now, i'm more than happy with my sensei and my sister. (((((miss min))))) (((((shisuta-bing-chan))))) p.s. i called miss min my sensei because she teaches me japanese!
  12. missing miss min

    i'm going through min withdrawal! life is not the same without her. it really isn't. no domo arigato's. no gomen's. no konichi wa's or oyasami nasai's. no *bow*s. and no minako. just not the same. i really miss miss min. but i'm glad she's safe. and doing well. and will be back soon. the updates from june help, too. i've only really been talking to her for a month or two. but already i feel like she's one of my closest friends. i can tell her anything! i've learned so much from her (mostly japanese words) and feel so much stronger because of her. min really is an amazing person. (((((min)))))
  13. yell

    I can't do this in real life, so i'm gonna make myself do it here. I HATE HIM! I hate what he did to me. I hate how he made me feel. I hate the way I felt about myself. I hate feeling dirty because of him. I hate feeling 'used'. I hate looking in a mirror and seeing what I am now. I hate knowing he got away with it. I hate knowing he's done it to other people and will do it again. I hate being scared to go anywhere. I hate not being able to trust anyone. I hate not being able to feel angry. I hate not being able to yell and scream. I hate all of it. I HATE HIM SO MUCH!
  14. responses

    it never seems consistent. sometimes when i post things in the pandy's board, a get little to no replies. sometimes, i get tons of replies. to the point where i feel it's too much and people shouldn't be paying that much attention to me because i'm so not worth it. not sure why i feel that way. I'm so used to feeling invisible. that's what i am. a shadow. not really here. people rarely see me or take any notice of me. i'm used to that. it seems safe and familiar to me. reaching to people but not getting much back. that's what i've known my whole life. but now sometimes i get too much of a response and it scares me a little i guess. i can't help but wonder why they care. why they bother with me.
  15. after 2 years

    ok, i started this blog 2 years ago and only posted 1 entry. now for an update. i'm engaged (yay!). getting married feb 29, 2008. that's in 291 days. scary. lots to do. trying on dresses this saturday. fun fun. i also got a kitty. very cute. finished school. got a great 1 year contract job at the college right after i finished classes. that ends this july. starting to look for another job. reported the first assault. that trial is now over. he got one year probation. system sucks. at least it's helping me put that chapter of my life behind me. unfortunately there are still several bad SA chapters to go through. and the PTSD and agoraphobia make it difficult. but i'm working on things. on the waiting list for the anxiety centre at the hospital. hopefully that will help. think that's enough of an update for now.