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About BehindSilentEyes

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    I could really use a wish right now...

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  1. Love(?)

    J: What are you doing? Me: Nothing, I'm fine. You? J: Going to crash here. J says he loves you. Me: What? Is he drunk? J: Probably. We all are. He said it, though. Most of my brothers friends have known me for years. One of them saying that shouldn't bother me. But because of what has happened, in large part at the hand of one of his so called "friends", hearing that isn't calming or reassuring. It makes me check the locks 50 times. Enables me not to sleep tonight. Makes me throw up. Shatters me. Destroys me. Hearing someone cares about you shouldn't have that reaction. But to me? I worry it always will.
  2. Thank you for reading it. It took a long time but I'm glad I was able to write it.
  3. Thank you Brittany
  4. No, I'm glad you told me about the site. I think it's amazing. I needed to write some of this out, so it was a good thing. (((kyrie)))
  5. Unbreakable

    Someone shared the website Project Unbreakable and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Survivors are photographed holding up a poster with quotes from their attacker. I started wondering if I could ever have the courage to do something like that, and what quote I would use. Then, of course, many different things came to mind. Don't be upset, you did good. What he said to me after the first attack What are you so pissed off about? That I f**ked her, or that she liked it? What he said to my brother after he was told to stay away from me Are you crying? God, that's so hot. What he said to me during the second attack I always wanted to f**k her, so I did. How he explained to his current girlfriend what had happened Look what I turned you into. You're nothing but a sl*t now. What I heard countless versions of for months on a daily basis A lot of times I think the words have done more damage than anything else. I can remember every awful thing he said to me and it replays in my head as much as the assaults. I try not to talk about any of it because it's so difficult, so humiliating, and I don't know what good it will do me. I don't think I'm ever going to have the courage to write it on a poster and put it on a website for the world to see. I hope I have the courage to leave it up here.
  6. Run.

    Wish I had more words today, but I don't. This is the best I can do.
  7. 2 Years

    Tomorrow it will be 2 years since the first attack. 2 years and I'm still awful at talking about it much or naming it, but that's the word I've probably used the most. I don't know why the date of the 1st one and not the 2nd sticks out so much, but it does. Maybe because it's close to Valentine's Day. I don't guess it matters why it does, it just does. It's been an awful week. Friday was the first day I was calm and ok. It's hard for anyone to be around me right now. I'm just trying to get through it and am annoyed and mad at myself for being upset.
  8. It does for me, too.
  9. Thank you. I need to try and post more.
  10. Yes, probably so
  11. Thank you. I just found it online, but I wanted to post it since I related.
  12. Every single day

    I have a lot I know I need to get out. For now, I guess this is a start.
  13. ((((((unlisted))))))) I'm so sorry. It's so horrible that this happened and so brave of you to write it all out.
  14. ((unlisted)) I'm sorry it didnt help you feel any better.
  15. (((unlisted))) Very powerful.