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About MMG_horse_girl

  • Birthday 05/23/1985

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    Writing, reading, horseback riding, hiking, movies...
  1. 11 years later...

    It will be 11 years in June since I was raped at 14....I have been through the counseling, and done the whole medication route...and seemed to be ok, moved on with my life, had my son and am back in school. But then why do I find myself constantly thinking about it again, on a more than daily least a few times a day it's all I can think about. The why's the what if's the what nexts? Maybe because I am starting into a relationship with someone I truly care for, and it's taking a more serious turn? I am not sure why, but I do know that it's affecting me a great deal and I am scared. I had a "flashback" the other night, and I don't know if I should even call it know as I'm typing this I can't help but feel bad and guilty because one, it's been 11 years and I should be past this and two, I dont remember much of what happened anymore and I struggle with that. I struggle because at times I feel that because I can't remember it didn't happen, and maybe I was wrong? But the fact remains that I'm not wrong and I said No, and it wasn't consensual...I just struggle with it....back on point now...(by the way I apologize if my blog seems scattered and disorganized but that is how my brain works, and honestly how I feel most of the time) the "flashback" happened the other night with my boyfriend, who knew about what happened but never pushed the subject, and left it open for me to discuss whenever I wanted/needed to. Well that came quicker than I had planned when in the middle of being intimate I froze, and almost got sick. I am still not sure what triggered this since it has never happened before in all of the 11 years since. It was weird because I didn't picture anything, I just had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to stop and I was going to get sick...and all I could think about was him (my attacker). My boyfriend was great and just listened to me and did whatever I needed him to...I couldn't have asked for more...but that left me feeling guilty about it and scared that it would scare him away...I mean who needs a girl with all of this baggage and issues? Sigh...Idk sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with the guilt I don't know how to handle it, and it literally makes me sick to my stomach...on those days I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep all day, if it weren't for my son...I would probably do just that...