its almost 4 am. im sitting on the couch watching sad shows bc i cant sleep. heres a journal entry i wrote: im sitting on the couch in the living room. Apparently this isn’t a safe place to sit but jon wouldn’t tell me why. Im assuming all the sexual fluids urine vomit and fecal matter that have graced these couches. I tried going to sleep 3 hours ago. I cant fall asleep. I always need a video to fall asleep. My mind races when I lay in the dark and quiet. I don’t really think of anything important. So I don’t really know why im afraid of thinking. Todays a bad day. Some days are good days. Not often. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Stay up all night, watch cold case, smoke hookah and eat and feel sorry for myself. I don’t think its Justin. I hate bringing him up, but I just realized tonight Im trying to be sad about it now. I wonder if there is a disease that makes you want to be sad all the time. Apparently that’s depression. I just keep thinking to myself that I hate that word. It gets thrown around so often people use it over the most trivial things. Im sad so I must be depressed. I hate that people think that way. I try to diagnose myself all the time. I think the problem is that Im trying so hard to figure out why im feeling this way. Everytime I think I figure it out I always end up back at the same spot. I wonder if im only like this bc its how I saw mom all these years. Idk though. I know I don’t really blame her for everything. I hate her sometimes for things. I hate that she doesn’t remember things that pissed me off so bad. I hate that ill randomly remember them. Im not mad at her. I mean, im not bitter like I used to be, I can recognize that. I just don’t know what is wrong with me. I keep hoping that if I watch this show and I cry ill keep crying until I cry whatever it is out of me. I like being alone. I like that I can hear silence, I like that I can be whatever I want without anyone judging me. Maybe I need to find a place of my own. A studio or something. I cant be around people that often. I cant be around the same people for long without getting sick of them. But I want to constantly be around people. I feel like something is bubling inside of me... it cant be that im repressing anything, ive already said everything I need to say. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG? I want to go to therapy. The thing is, I think all psychologists are bullshit. I think they study mental disorders and they think they can read people and they think they can understand why people are they way that they are, but they cant. Ive seen two. Both of them were wrong. That guy whatever the fuck his name was kept trying to bring up my father, like that’s the problem. Hes not the fucking problem. I dealt with that a long fucking time ago. I never even really wanted him around. Also I have jeff. I didn’t need my father. Ann was no help at all. I just needed to vent and im glad she was there for me to vent to. but she doesn’t understand. No one understands. Im a fucking mental case and all anyone can tell me is its bc of my father, or bc of what happened to me when I was little. What the fuck ever. I can talk about these things, I know it was wrong, that’s not whats fucking bothering me. I don’t know whats bothering me. I think I like to watch so much television bc it keeps my mind occupied. What am I afraid of? What is happening to me? My mind is too clear for me to have a freaking mental disorder. I can rationalize. I can think logically. Ugh. Maybe I should google it. wordvomit. sorry. i dont feel like correcting my grammar or punctuation. oh well.